JOHN LAY in bed, completely unable to sleep, and stared up at the dark ceiling.
He tried not to think about Blue, but what else could he think about? Nothing, of course. Nothing.
His cock had finally softened, but only a bit. He’d thought about masturbating, but there seemed something so crude and wrong about jerking off picturing someone in his head who was only a room away. Almost as if he were taking advantage of him. Objectifying him.
And even picturing Blue confused him. He wasn’t sure what he wanted from the young man.
But God, want him he did.
He near ached thinking about what it might be like to have Blue in his arms. To… to… kiss him again. But to actually do the kissing this time and not just be kissed.
What would it be like to really kiss a man? Not the gentle pecks he’d received already—those had sent his heart racing like nothing he’d ever felt before—but really kiss a man. What would that be like?
Especially one so exquisitely beautiful?
But then there was the whole Vivian thing.
Wouldn’t it be cheating?
Or when Viv walked out that door, unwilling to tell him even where she was going, had that freed him of any oaths they had made? For better or worse (and could it be much worse?), for richer and for poorer (and poor they certainly weren’t—even though she hadn’t needed a cent of his money), in sickness and health (he’d seen her through several miscarriages before doctors had advised they stop trying for another child—for her sake), until death do us part (and he wasn’t dead—far from it).
If he did bend to his desires, if he pulled Blue into his bed, was it cheating? Was it cheating when your wife left you? Told you she was bored? Said she wanted to go to the fleshpots of Bangkok? When divorce papers hadn’t been signed?
He knew friends wouldn’t think so. How many men had he known who had sex with other women when they were only separated? All of them?
John thought of Blue again and trembled. He trembled in wonder and confusing need and a little bit of fear.
A lot of fear.
He thought about getting up and going to Blue’s bed (because Viv had given it up after all; it wasn’t hers anymore!) and climbing in with him and finding out what actualizing a kiss with a man would be like.
But then….
Then there was a light at the door.
It was Blue, and he was carrying a big candle, which made him look even more like an angel than he ever had before. He paused there for an endless moment and then came slowly into the room, placed the candle on the bedside table beside John’s Kindle.
Shaking as if possessed, John sat up and swung his legs out of the bed and sat there, staring at beauty.
Neither said a word for what seemed like a thousand years.
John gazed into that sweet, lovely face and longed to kiss that mouth and was too afraid to make the first move. Finally, thank God, Blue stepped closer, and that was what John needed. He leaned forward—the distance between them seemed to take forever to cross—and then he did it.
He kissed a man.
A rush passed through him like nothing he had ever experienced. He grew almost dizzy with wonder. With awe. It was… power. Just like waves crashing on a beach or the rumbling of the thunder outside. And he put his arms around that slim waist, even though he was still too hesitant to pull Blue closer.
Blue took care of that.
Blue stepped into him and pressed his mouth harder against John’s and then used his tongue lightly to urge John to open to him. Heart pounding, John did as silently bid, and Blue slipped his tongue into John’s mouth and gently guided him, coaxing him to do the same.
When John moaned, Blue took a step back, and John echoed the sound in frustration this time. It had taken all his nerve to kiss Blue and now Blue was taking it away?
But that was when he saw what Blue was doing.
He was not ending things.
With one quick, fluid movement, Blue swept his borrowed T-shirt over his head and stood there, naked in the candlelight.
He was gorgeous.
Had John thought of Blue as a boy?
Was there a corner of his mind that perhaps thought him effeminate?
That was banished in an instant.
Blue stood before John, revealed as the man that he was.
Slim but beautifully built, lightly muscled, and reminding John of a colt. His chest was well defined, his nipples magenta in the candlelight and surrounded by just a few hairs, enough to make sure John knew this was a man’s chest. Lower down a hint of abs, and then a hairy tummy that almost—but not quite—hid his navel, all of which led to lush blond pubic hair frosted with white. His cock, startlingly large for such a small man, hung heavy, his balls loose and hairless, the right a little beneath its twin. Blue’s penis was uncircumcised, the head a lovely pink, and it gave a slight jump as if compelling—begging—John to touch it.
To, for the first time ever, touch another man’s cock.
And compelled, he did so.
John reached out and, hesitantly at first, cupped Blue’s balls—surprised at their weight—and lifted them, letting Blue’s cock rest against his wrist.
His own cock surged erect, and any doubt left him, although he still trembled with want and need and not knowing what to do next.
Then Blue stepped into him, reached for his T-shirt, and lifted it over John’s head so that when he pressed himself to John, they were bare chest to bare chest. Amazing then how they seemed to fit together, and John moaned again, and then they were kissing. Kissing with urgency and desire, and Blue pushed him back onto the bed and climbed on him, straddled John and pressed the cleft of his ass onto John’s aching hard cock. Blue kissed him again and rocked on John’s need, and just as John thought he would cum from that alone, Blue lifted up and began to struggle with John’s boxers.
John helped him, pushing and shifting until the underwear slipped off and fell to the floor, catching for a moment on one foot before falling away. Blue stopped kissing his mouth then—just as John had come to accept it as the near perfection it was—and trailed his lips down John’s jaw and Adam’s apple, lower down his neck, down his chest, then stopped to suck on his nipples—God, why did something he’d never cared for now seem like exquisite fire?—and then down and down and down, tickling, inducing shivers. And God! Oh God, oh God, oh God, Blue took John’s now-throbbing cock into his hot wet mouth, and once more John almost climaxed on the spot. But Blue did something, something painful, grasped John’s balls and the base of his cock, and hurt though it did—for just a second—it stopped his orgasm and let him slide into pleasure he had never known was possible. Magic was happening as Blue bobbed slowly up and down John’s length, his tongue doing impossible things, that painful pressure applied each time John thought he would explode.
But then—no!—Blue stopped and climbed back up John’s body and… what? John knew in that instant, as he saw Blue’s cock getting closer and closer, what Blue wanted from him.
To his surprise he did want to try doing what Blue had been doing to him. Imagine! But then Blue shifted, and his erection turned away as Blue reached over to the bedside table, picking up something beside the candle.
Condom.
Blue was opening a condom packet.
God, that meant….
Blue rolled the condom down John’s cock—he almost came again—and then opened a tiny tube and squirted wetness onto his throbbing length. Then climbing and shifting again…. Oh—my—God!
Heat, tightness, unbelievable bliss overwhelmed John as he slid into Blue’s body.
Nothing had ever felt like this.
John had had no idea he could feel anything like this.
Blue grunted, winced for a second, and then sighed as he took John in completely. John’s cock pulsed with his heartbeat, and a tremor passed through him. He waited in longing and overwhelming need, and finally Blue began to rock back and forth, sliding upward and then taking John deep again. Blue leaned forward and rested his hands on John’s chest, and they stared into each other’s eyes, Blue’s lids heavy with desire. John grasped Blue’s waist, then moved his hands up and down Blue’s back, let them stop in his armpits, thumbs feeling wetness and heat, and then stroked up and down his back again. Finally he grasped Blue’s perfect buttocks and guided the speed and depth he needed—needed ever so badly—and all too soon the world blotted out and he was cumming like he never had before. It was like he was shooting everything that he was into Blue—his very being along with his semen and perhaps a piece of his heart and soul. He was dimly aware then that his stomach and chest were being bathed in great spurts of wetness, Blue was cumming all over him, and his heart pounded in welcome. It was as if he were being baptized or some such fucking wonderful thing, and he pulled Blue down and kissed him, kissed him with everything he had and everything he was.
And when they finally came out the other side, John knew he would never be the same.
Baptized, he was.
Fallen and risen into the man he was always supposed to be.
JOHN WOKE to the sound of cardinals and the golden glow of sunshine.
He was looking into Blue’s face. And it was beautiful.
There was a man sleeping next to him. It was morning. The man had spent the night.
He had had sex with a man.
God.
Blue was even more beautiful in daylight than he had been in candlelight.
I fucked him. I fucked a man.
Although it was more like Blue had fucked him, wasn’t it? Not, but like. Because Blue had been almost fully in control.
I don’t even know if Blue is his real name.
That nose. That nose was so… so damned cute!
John smiled and chuckled and then shook his head.
I fucked someone half my age.
I wonder if Viv would think I’m boring now.
Guilt.
It hit heavy and strong for a moment, and then… the guilt was gone.
A sweet little smile tugged at the corners of Blue’s mouth (which made John’s heart skip a beat), and the guilt was gone in an instant.
She left me.
For better or worse.
This is better.
My God, this is better.
This is what I was missing.
And I don’t even know if Blue is his real name and this is better than anything I have ever experienced in my life.
Blue shifted and rolled onto his back. The sheet pulled down a bit, and John could easily see Blue’s morning erection tenting the fabric.
John throbbed and smiled and thought, We both have erections.
We are both men.
It might have been a rude thing to do, but John reached out and took the sheet and pulled it down so that he could see.
God, it’s big.
In the morning light, it was beautiful as well. For some reason it was Blue’s balls John was drawn to—they were fascinating. The way one hung just a bit lower than the other. They were both the same size as far as he could tell. Beautiful. And beautiful was not a word he thought he would have used to describe a man’s balls. But it was true. The skin of his scrotum looked so soft. So silky. He wanted to touch it. No. He wanted to see what it felt like on his tongue. What it tasted like.
He looked up at Blue’s sleeping face as if he were going to be caught doing something he shouldn’t and then moved closer, pulled the sheet a little lower, and saw that Blue’s thighs were surprisingly hairy—especially compared to the rest of him. He brought his face even closer and smelled… musk. Smelled man. So different from the way the women he’d been with smelled. Not that he had that much experience, at least in numbers. Vivian and two others before her. She for twenty-five years or so.
Blue’s scent was so different. He understood why it was called musk. It was sexy. Sexier. He didn’t know how to describe it except that it made him want to get even closer.
So he did.
John moved within inches of Blue’s balls, and then throwing caution to the wind—unable to resist—he pressed his face ever so gently between and against those balls. Oh, the warmth and silkiness of them was incredible, and he breathed deeply, filled his senses with….
With Blue.
The flesh was so warm.
He opened his mouth, let his tongue rest against one ball, tasted salt and spice and… musk. John licked, and Blue shifted and moaned and then sighed. The skin was so soft and smooth and delightful against John’s tongue.
Blue’s cock jumped, and a pearlescent crystal drop formed at the tip—precum, John thought—and with Do it, it’s time encouraging him, John reached out with a finger and carefully touched it. When he drew it away, it formed a thin shiny thread. Fascinating. And before he could stop himself, he touched it to his tongue and tasted… salt… and sweet… and….
He didn’t know how to describe it.
But John wanted more.
And so he shifted again and almost reverently took Blue’s hard shaft into his hand and carefully pulled it away from that flat furry tummy. Thinking, This is it, he took it into his mouth.
And now I can’t go back.
The first time he took Blue’s cock too deep and gagged—hoping Blue didn’t hear the sound; he didn’t want Blue to think it had made him want to retch—and he backed off and then took it again, more cautiously the second time. It slid in smoothly, and John shivered in delight—felt goose bumps—and rested his tongue against the underside, tried to echo the things that Blue had done, and thought, I’m a cocksucker, and he grinned—mouth full of cock—and liked it. Liked that he was a cocksucker—
God! I’m a cocksucker!
—and began to suck it in earnest.
One minute he was asleep, and the next he was cheerfully—cheerfully!—sucking this near stranger’s cock.
Excited beyond belief, he began to hump his own erection into the mattress. He carefully took Blue’s balls in one hand and gently rolled them around, tasting more and more of Blue as his fluid began to flow stronger and stronger. Then Blue’s fingers were in his short hair, and Blue was moaning and then crying out, “Oh fuck, John, if you don’t… if you don’t stop, I’m going to….”
John, amazed at how much he wanted it, moaned and nodded, and then—whoa!—Blue was flooding his mouth in hard, heavy jets, and the flavor was very strong, almost gamey but exciting. I’m letting a man cum in my mouth, and I am loving it, and Fuck! I’m cumming! And he ejaculated against the sheets, the pleasure of both happening at once all but overwhelming.
It was almost as if he had sucked himself off!
The semen was still in his mouth, and before he thought any more about it, he swallowed it, swallowed Blue, and then Blue squirmed down and kissed him full on the mouth, and they shared the last vestiges of that semen, Blue moaning all the more.
They kissed and kissed and kissed and got hard again (not that either had really gotten soft) and got into a sixty-nine position and began to suck on each other again. Blue, who knew what he was doing, got John, all forty-five years of him, ready to cum again surprisingly quickly—
(it was all so mind-spinningly sexy: Blue’s hairy thighs—a man’s thighs—and his shifting balls and the taste and the smell of Blue’s incredibly fucking hard cock and the way it felt in his mouth)
—and they almost simultaneously came into each other’s mouths.
Blue flipped again and they held each other—clutched at each other—and laughed quietly and breathed.
They looked at the bedside clock at the same time, and since it was much too early to go see Chewie, they just stayed in each other’s arms and slept for a while and then got up and went across the hall to the master bedroom to shower together.
In the shower Blue did something shocking. John almost ordered “No! You can’t do that,” but Blue had already begun, had buried his face between the cheeks of John’s ass to kiss and lick his hole, and exquisite didn’t begin to describe how it felt. Blue made him wonder what it was like to be fucked—that was something he’d never fantasized about, when he’d allowed himself to fantasize about such things to begin with—and he wondered if he even could take Blue’s thick cock inside him like that. And then he remembered the paradise of being inside Blue and realized that fair was fair after all.
So he told Blue to fuck him, and Blue asked, “Are you sure?” and John told him he was very sure—
“Now, right now!”
—but Blue insisted they get in bed first because he needed a condom, and fuck, John hated that because he wondered what it would feel like to have Blue cum inside him. Here, though, Blue was the teacher, and Blue told him to never ever let a man fuck him without a condom—ever!—and then began to do that thing with his mouth again, what Blue called “rimming.”
“Man, I love your ass,” Blue said.
“You do?” John asked and blushed into the pillow.
“Hell, yes,” Blue said. “I like how the skin is darker right in your crack and almost totally hairless so I can see everything. And your hole is gorgeous, like a starfish or something, and the little folds… they’re all smoothing out.” Then Blue licked and sucked again, and he got some more of the lube and teased John’s hole and slipped—Oh God!—a finger inside.
It felt so weird at first, and then sexy, and Blue played him like an instrument and got two fingers inside him and wiggled them around like mad. Whoa! It felt wild—and soon he had to know, had to know, what it was like to have a cock inside him.
So following another “Are you sure?” John nodded and said, “Please, Blue. Please.” Then Blue was on top of him, using his knees to urge John’s legs apart, and then carefully and oh, so slowly pushing inside him….
Hurts!
“Push out,” Blue whispered in his ear, and the stubble on Blue’s chin tickled. John nodded and pushed out even though that sounded like it should be wrong and—Oh!—Blue was there, inside him.
It burned at first while he was being fucked, but Blue was a careful and attentive lover. Then something magic happened—there were sparks and little jolts—oh God!—and Blue really was fucking him (I am being fucked. A man is fucking me. A man has his cock in me!), and John pushed back and got up on hands and knees and met each thrust, and soon they were crying out and moaning and then shouting and finally cumming together—again!
Afterward, with Blue’s delicious weight atop him, John wondered how many times this had been. With last night included, was this the fourth time?
They lay there awhile and then saw the time and got up and showered again, and John made toast real quick so they would have something besides each other inside them. Then—calling first to make sure someone was there—they went straightaway to Four-Footed Friends.
As he drove it hit him.
I’m gay.
No doubt. None at all. No question.
How did I not know?
John had known he was attracted to men, but he’d read somewhere that almost everyone was bisexual—it was the Kinsey Report; that’s where he’d read it—to some extent or other, and he’d just assumed that was it. He was bisexual. And bisexual meant he was attracted to men as well as women, so he could choose, and he chose women because he did not want to stand out.
But now?
He knew as he drove that he wasn’t bisexual. Not really.
He was gay.
Because sex had never ever, ever been the way it had been with Blue. There were no words to describe it. Only that what he’d had before hadn’t really been sex. He knew clearly why he’d been so indifferent to it before. It was because he’d been sexual with women instead of men. For him being with both sexes wasn’t variety. Not different flavors of ice cream (purple yam or green tea). No. For him it was men.
The sex was stunningly different.
I’m gay! he marveled and found himself smiling.
Despite the joy of what he’d discovered, he had some lingering guilt.
No wonder Vivian had left.
Indifferent.
Who wanted to be treated with indifference?
She deserved the joy he’d had these past twelve hours or so. Instead she’d had an indifferent lover in her bed. So unfair.
But now she could have more.
He smiled again.
They both could.
That’s the way it should be.
And that’s the way it could be now.