‘Hi gals, can we all welcome Cara and Síomha to the group? They’ll be joining us on the twenty-fourth.’ Two girls dancing emoji. Firework emoji. Baby emoji.
I had sent them polite texts saying Maj and I would be delighted if they’d join us for the shower, seeing as Matt and Denis are invited to Pablo’s do. Dr Trevor had obviously been on to them because they immediately and civilly consented to being added to the WhatsApp group.
Maj is straight in with the over-the-top welcomes. ‘Delighted you’re joining us, gals. It’s Magic Mike-themed but you can wear what you want and please don’t be getting any presents, but if you can’t resist, we love a voucher.’
‘Majella Moran!’
‘Ah, Mammy you’re the one who told me to ask for vouchers.’
‘Welcome, Cara and Síomha. If you want to chat presents you can message me privately.’ Thank God for Dee Ruane taking on the responsibility of the present. She’s going to get money from anyone who wants to go in on a big Dunnes voucher and is going to buy Majella a pair of shoes that she’s been coveting from River Island but won’t fit over her pregnancy cankles. She can look forward to wearing them once she’s had the baby and is exploring her new life as a loolah mam on the lash.
‘Has anyone finished the Crawdads yet? I’m finding it slow going.’
‘I flew through it, Amanda. I’m onto the new Marian Keyes now. Have ye any book recommendations, Cara or Síomha?’
The group has slightly spiralled out of control. It’s evolved into part book club, part TV reviews, part make-up recommendations and part Don Shields fanfic. I swear half of them forget that his literal girlfriend is a member. Denise sent in a pic of Don on stage the other day and said she could imagine what his sweat smells like. She deleted it ten minutes later, but we’d all seen it and she’s been lurking ever since – mortified, no doubt.
Cara and Síomha don’t immediately respond to the request for book recommendations, and I tell myself to chill out about it. I’m worried about them thinking the group is a pain, but I’m also worried about them being pains in the group. I’m sure they’ll just mute it if it’s too much, especially if Aubrey goes on another one of her ‘things that are amazing about Ireland’ monologues. We get it, Aubrey, you went to Kilkenny for a weekend and touched a castle. It was nice of Majella to invite her, though. Which reminds me, I must add Hannah to the group. She’s now integral to the running of half the shower. Oh, wait now! Cara is typing!
‘I actually just read an amazing biography of the Yorkshire Ripper, if anyone is into true crime?’
Several people are typing.
‘Love it.’
‘Beat into it.’
‘I listen to murder podcasts before I go to sleep and then have nightmares.’
‘Cara and I actually present a podcast, Blood and Bordeaux, in case anyone’s listened?’ Síomha is straight in with the self-promotion.
‘Oh my God, that’s ye? I love that podcast. I love the “Irish Eyepoppers” bit. Who knew there were so many mysterious happenings in Roscommon?’ Alright, Denise, you turncoat.
‘That’s about all that’s happening in Roscommon.’ Cry-laughing emoji. Cry-laughing emoji. Cry-laughing emoji.
‘And that Lidl Malbec ye had the other week was savage.’
‘It’s a very popular podcast, I hear.’ Ah God, that’s Mammy. She told me she has the whole chat muted because she just couldn’t keep up the day Majella and Elaine were discussing Mormon baby names, but I suppose she’s all over it now that Cara and Síomha have been inducted.
‘The whole true crime fascination is a little troubling for me. Like, making entertainment out of horrific deaths? No thanks.’
You can always trust Ruby to put everyone in their place. There’s a lull after she posts and I start imagining Cara and Síomha side-texting each other about what a bitch she is. Luckily, Maj gets things back on track with a straw poll on fake tanning before the birth. She says she just feels like a more complete person with a layer of medium bronze on her legs. There’s bit of debate – ‘Go for it girl’ from Dee Ruane and ‘I’ll do a sprayer for you’ from Sharon, while Elaine warns Maj that she doesn’t have to emulate celebrities with their ‘perfect’ post-birth selfies.
‘Fuck the selfies, I just don’t want the child’s first thought to be that they’re inheriting my blue milk-bottle legs.’
‘With any luck, the baby will favour Pablo.’ Sun emoji. Sun emoji. Sun emoji.
‘Oh well, that’s just lovely, Mammy.’
‘The Morans have lovely skin!’
‘Leave her alone, Liz!’ I knew Majella’s aunties wouldn’t stand for that.
‘My sister met a Spanish man on a passage to India and they had the most divine babies. Rupert and Estrella.’
This is Constance’s first contribution to the group and why am I not surprised there’s a mention of a passage to India? The other sister is probably married into Monegasque royalty.
‘Rupert is a cute name!’
‘Majella, you’re not having a Ballygobbard baby and calling it Rupert. And imagine poor Pablo trying to bring a Rupert back to Tenerife? No offence, Constance, they’re lovely names.’ I had to interject before Maj gets any ideas.
‘Maj, do you really not know what you’re having? I’m dying to get you some clothes.’ Denise would want to get on with having that third baby or else she’s going to steal Majella’s when it’s born.
‘No. Pablo wore me down about not having a gender reveal because he saw a viral video about a whole town going up in flames after a gender reveal smoke cannon backfired.’
‘That was in America. They’re dopes. No offence, Aubrey.’ Speak-no-evil monkey emoji.
‘You can buy some really lovely gender-neutral stuff. I’ve already bought too much.’ Sadhbh, of course.
‘Tiny baby linen sacks and dungarees, just like Auntie Sadhbhy.’ Heart-eyes emoji. I can nearly hear Majella squealing.
‘I have almost a full outfit crocheted.’ Maj and Rocky hit it off at the B-Gym-B opening, bonding over a shared love of macramé, which Majella has been doing in the evenings to stop herself thinking about wine. So far in the WhatsApp group, Rocky’s revealed a diverse range of interests, including both astronomy and astrology, psychedelics and the music of Boney M.
‘Aisling, Liam says they have an itinerary for Pablo’s day out. So cute.’
John was working on it just last night. They’re having their lunch in Eddie Rocket’s because Pablo loves the chips so much. ‘I know. They’ve even allocated time for each shop.’
‘Keep them out of that surfy place in Stephen’s Green. Pablo thinks he can pull off board shorts but his legs are too stumpy.’
‘I’ll let John know, Maj.’
‘His legs? Que?’
Oh God, I thought all the Tenerifian relatives were gone from the group. Good luck with this one, Maj.