The Ex Chronicles

Lester lets himself into the house and goes up to the bedroom, where Miriam is typing on a new laptop. They haven’t seen each other since she kicked him out.

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to disturb you; I was just getting a few things,” he says, heading to their dressing room.

Miriam turns from her desk and looks dismissively at him. “No interruption at all. Please take whatever you need.”

He hovers at the doorway. “I’m a little surprised to see you on a computer. Did Bella leave it here?”

“No. I visited her a few days ago and we went to the Apple store. This way I can stay in touch with her by this e-mailing. I’m finding the Internet a very interesting place,” she says, not turning around.

Lester is taken aback: Miriam has never been computer savvy; in fact she seemed rather uninterested in it, preferring to leave “all that,” as she liked to call the Web, to him. He’s also surprised to hear she visited Bella. Miriam hardly ever visits her, claiming Manhattan to be dirty, noisy, and dangerous.

He gives her a bemused look, then disappears into the dressing room off the master bathroom. She ignores him as he pulls out an overnight bag and opens and closes drawers, packing a few things. Walking back into the bedroom, he pauses at the door. After a few moments he drops his bag on the floor.

Miriam turns around in her desk chair. “What is it, Lester?” she asks. After days of them not speaking she is curious as to what has him standing so uncomfortably in the doorway.

He stands there for a moment, not saying anything, looking anywhere in the room but at her. He finally clears his throat.

“I want to apologize for what I said that day. You’re not small-minded. I’m the one who is petty, intolerant, selfish, self-involved, and all the other words you called me. You were absolutely right.”

When she is silent, Lester kicks at a piece of carpet with his shoe before continuing. “I’ve always felt inferior to you, Miriam,” he says, finally meeting her eyes. “Even when I took you to your cotillion, I kept pinching myself that you were actually there with me. I never felt good enough for you. Your family wealth and social standing were things I had to overcome. They felt almost like a ruler that I’d measure myself against but kept coming up short.”

“I’m not saying we didn’t have a good life—in the beginning it was wonderful. Before Bella, you were fun and spunky and up for anything. But after she was born, you changed . . . became almost a different person.”

“I felt like I’d lost my freedom, Lester. And in a sense I had. You could still go off on your trips and live your life as if nothing had changed but for me everything had. I was a new mother with a little baby, and I had absolutely no idea how to take care of her.”

“Was I just supposed to give up my life and sit around nursing and changing diapers? Of course I loved Bella, but I loved my freedom as well. Having money made it easier for me to have both. The nanny and housekeeper allowed me to spend time with you and enjoy life while I was still young.”

Lester walks to the bed and sits down next to Miriam’s desk. “But these last several years have been terrible,” he says. “We didn’t even seem to like each other or have the same interests. Can you tell me we have a good life?”

“No, I can’t. That wouldn’t be true. I’ve tried to make a good life for you. What do you think I’ve been doing these thirty-some years? How would you know if we have the same interests? You’re always at the school, or some school function. When you’re here you barely speak to me.”

“We don’t even sleep in the same room anymore. You don’t care about my day or my interests; they’ve always come second to yours. Yet, I’ve gone on supporting your successes as if I don’t deserve any of my own.” Miriam struggles to control the tremor in her voice. “And look at how you’ve repaid me.”

Lester hangs his head. “I’m so sorry, Miri.” He runs his hand through his hair. “The thing with Annabel, it was never physical—”

“I’ve always felt like nothing I did impressed you, Miri. You’re always so perfect—at times cold.”

He clasps his hands together in his lap and rests his elbows on his knees. All of a sudden he’s exhausted.

“Annabel isn’t even in your orbit, but she made me feel like I was the center of her world.”

Miriam is shocked. “You were the center of my world, Lester—everything I did was for you.”

She sits back in the chair. “And what about me? I always came in second to Bella and to your work. I never felt smart enough, intellectual enough. I wanted your attention so badly that I was jealous of my own daughter. I felt excluded from your special relationship. Half the time you both spoke in French, as though I wasn’t in the room.”

She waves it away. “But that’s my fault; I shouldn’t blame you or Bella. I was so used to taking a backseat to you that even you started taking me for granted. But I was the perfect wife. You had the perfect home and still it wasn’t enough.”

“I would have been happy in a shack with you, if you would have told me just once that you were proud of me.”

Miriam’s voice stops him. “I’m so very proud of you, Lester,” she whispers. “You are a wonderful father and husband.”

He turns back and walks to her. Taking her hand, he says, “I am so proud to be your husband, Miri. You are a wonderful woman, loving and giving. I don’t deserve you. But I want to be a better husband, a better father, and a better person.” Though they are the hardest words he’s had to say in a long time, he is glad he’s said them. Thinking about his life without Miriam is a bleak prospect.