Chapter Eleven

 

 

Luka squinted as Eleni shone her penlight in his eyes. He focused on her scrubs, which weren’t any easier on the eyes than the light — she was wearing neon green with grinning blue lizards today.

Nausea curled through his stomach, and a wave of vertigo followed. He squeezed his eyes shut, gripping the sides of the exam table. Maybe he shouldn’t have been so eager to get out of the bed he’d woken up in.

He still wasn’t entirely clear on the sequence of events that had taken him from his bedroom at Euphoria to a bed in the Institute’s infirmary, but there had definitely been drugs involved. Too damn many of them.

“Luka? Are you okay? You need the bedpan?” Eleni asked, reaching around to where she’d set it behind him.

He shook his head and then wished he hadn’t as the room spun even faster. His body swayed with it and he felt Eleni’s hands on his shoulders, steadying him.

“Want to lie back?” she asked.

“No… just… wait…” he managed to get out from between clenched teeth. He hadn’t felt this bad since he’d first come to the Institute, drugged to the eyebrows with Anarin by FedSec Processing. This time it wasn’t just Anarin — there was riptide and dream dust, and whatever else Corri might have slipped into the drink she’d given him last night.

Eleni had muttered a few curses he’d been surprised she knew when she’d looked over the bio-scan results.

His stomach slowly settled back into place and he cracked an eye open. The room wobbled a bit, then steadied. “Okay,” he breathed. “I’m okay.”

“I wish I could give you something for the nausea,” Eleni said, giving his shoulder a gentle squeeze, “but I’m afraid there’s nothing that won’t interact with the Anarin. I’m supposed to hand you off to Pat when I’m finished. He’s going to help get you settled in an apartment, but I can let him know you’re not feeling up to it. You’re welcome to stay here for the rest of the day if you’d rather.”

“I’ll be okay,” he said. The last thing he wanted was to spend hours lying in bed with nothing to do but think. Eleni had told him about Kyn before he’d even asked, and though Kyn might not be dead like Luka had thought, he was far from all right.

That was his fault, even if Eleni didn’t act like she thought it was.

When Eleni had finished checking him over, she helped him down off the exam table and walked him across the lobby. Instead of stopping there to wait for Pat to pick him up, she led him toward the room he’d woken up in.

He hesitated. “I don’t need to lie down. I’m okay.”

“I know. Pat’s in with Kyn at the moment, and he said to bring you along when you were ready.”

Luka’s stomach lurched. See Kyn now?

Eleni didn’t give him time to think about it. She put a steadying hand on his shoulder and said, “Come on. He’s waiting for you.”

Pat was sitting by the bed. The moment Luka caught sight of Kyn — too pale, too still, and surrounded by medical monitors — he stopped. He felt Eleni’s hand on his shoulder again. “Is this… did I… has he been like this ever since…?” He couldn’t finish the sentence, couldn’t look at Pat or at Kyn.

“He can’t shield, and he’s in a lot of pain, so we’re keeping him sedated,” Eleni said quietly.

At the sound of their voices, Pat turned to look at them. Luka’s breath caught in his throat as he got his first look at Pat since that last day at the cabin. Faint lines of strain were etched about his mouth and there were dark circles under his eyes. His hair and clothes were mussed, and it looked like he hadn’t shaved yet this morning.

Luka moved slowly forward to the edge of the bed. He stared down at Kyn, the lump in his throat growing so big it choked off anything he might have said. His fault. This was his fault and there was nothing he could do to fix it. Tears stung his eyes and crept slowly down his cheeks. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered, knowing it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough.

“Are you okay?” Pat asked.

Luka turned his head to stare at him. After what he’d done, Pat cared what he felt? He swallowed back the sob that welled up in his throat and mumbled, “Yeah. I’m fine.”

“Hardly,” Eleni said tartly. “He’s sick and dizzy, what with Anarin and God only knows what else floating around in his system. It’s not a good idea to mix Anarin with anything, let alone the kind of crap you find on the street.”

Pat’s eyes slid past Luka. “Wasn’t me who dosed him, and I already told you if you want anything more than that, you’ll have to discuss it with your brother.”

Eleni made a noise that sounded like an irritated snort. “Who’s as tight-lipped as you are.”

Pat gave Eleni an offhand shrug. “I’m sorry about the Anarin,” he said to Luka. “I don’t know what they’d been told, but the team that grabbed you decided to drug you after they’d stunned you.”

Pat was apologizing to him? That just made the tears flow faster. “I’m sorry,” Luka whispered. “I’d take it all back if I could. Trade him for me. He’s worth ten of me, easy.” He closed his eyes and clenched his jaw to keep the sobs from tearing their way out.

He heard a long, heavy sigh. “It’s not your fault,” Pat said. “I’m sorry that you thought it was. If I’d had any idea what was happening here, I’d have been back weeks ago, pounding the streets looking for you. I’ve only been back a few days, and Alek and I have been searching for you ever since Cameron told us what happened.”

His brain must still be scrambled from the drugs Corri had given him, because Pat wasn’t making any kind of sense. “You… you came for me?” Luka couldn’t imagine why.

“Yeah, I did. I only wish I could have come sooner.”

“Even after… what I did?” He opened his eyes to see Pat’s gaze fixed on him, clear and steady.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Pat said again. He sounded like he meant it, but there were tears shimmering in the corners of those dark eyes.

Luka stared down at Kyn. “What… what’s going to happen to him? I mean… is this it?”

“We don’t know. Eleni’s been waking him up every few days, but he can’t shield, and Anarin doesn’t do anything to help him.”

“Did they try taking him out to the cabin?”

“Yeah. That didn’t help either. Eleni is going to try waking him again tomorrow, and if he’s still in pain, she wants to put him in a coma and…” Pat broke off and turned away, covering his face with his hands.

Luka closed his eyes, not wanting to look at what he’d done. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

 

* * *

 

“Kyn? It’s time to wake up.” A woman’s voice cut through the foggy dreamscape. “Can you open your eyes for me?”

He felt tired and drugged. Something was definitely wrong, but he couldn’t decide what it was. He wasn’t in pain and he didn’t feel sick, but he was lying in bed. He could feel sensor patches on his chest and arms, and someone was holding his hand.

Hospital?

He tried to remember what had happened, but there was nothing to grab onto. The last clear memory his mind supplied was… was…

“Kyn?” A different voice this time. Male and familiar. “Come on, open your eyes.”

He cracked open an eye and immediately squeezed it shut against the glaring brightness.

“Dim the lights, damn it,” the female voice commanded.

When he forced his eyes open again, the light had been dimmed to a less painful level.

“That’s it, come on.” The male voice again. “Can you look at me?”

He turned his head and saw Pat watching him with wide, worried eyes. He felt the pressure on his hand increase into a reassuring squeeze, and realized that it was Pat who was holding his hand.

“What happened?” His voice sounded harsh and his throat felt dry and gravelly. The sense of wrongness persisted. Something was missing. Something important…

Pat slipped a straw into his mouth. “Here, drink. Just a little at first, though.”

Kyn took a sip. Cool water flooded his mouth and soothed his dry throat. He turned his head to look around and recognized the Institute’s infirmary. Eleni was on his other side, fiddling with an IV line. His eyes traced the tube coming from the bag. It fed into his own arm.

He swallowed and tried to speak again. “What happened?” His voice still sounded harsh, but at least his words were intelligible this time.

Eleni bent to peer into his eyes. “What do you remember?” she asked.

He frowned up at her, wondering why she sounded so flat and dead. He focused inward, trying to adjust his shielding pattern to get a sense of her emotions, and that was when the reason for the wrongness became clear.

There was no light at his core, no pattern to adjust. The hyperawareness he’d lived with for nearly half his life was gone. He couldn’t sense Eleni or Pat.

“Am I drugged?” he asked.

Eleni frowned. Her eyes flicked across to Pat, then back down to him. “No, Kyn, you’re not.”

“What is it?” Pat asked.

“I can’t… I can’t feel either of you.” Even his own voice sounded wrong. He closed his eyes as understanding slowly sank in.

Not drugged.

That meant that whatever had happened, his psi was gone.

Memory returned in a flash that was almost painful: the argument with Logan and his plans to take Luka on the run.

By the time Kyn had returned to the island, Luka had been so worked up that Kyn had sent the boy to bed to try to sleep. Instead of waking up calm and refreshed, Luka had risen from the bed and backed away, all hell in his eyes. He’d lashed out almost before Kyn realized there was a problem, hitting him so fast and so hard that Kyn hadn’t had a chance to react. The blast had burned into him, shredding his awareness and sucking all the light out of him.

There’d been screams — his own and Luka’s, he thought — and then nothing but darkness.

Had he killed the kid? Struck out at him in instinctive self-defense? The thought made him sick. He searched his mind for a scrap of memory, but found nothing beyond the blinding pain of Luka’s attack.

“Luka?” he asked, trying to sit up.

Strong hands closed on his shoulders and pushed him back down. He looked up to see Pat leaning over him. “Easy, easy. Luka’s fine. He’s here and he’s safe.” There was something off about the way Pat said the words, but Kyn couldn’t quite get the sense of it from his voice alone. He tried to reach out again, to get at the emotions behind the words, but there was nothing there.

“I… I didn’t hurt him?”

“No, you didn’t.” Pat lifted his hands from Kyn’s shoulders and sat back down. “He thought he’d killed you, though. He took off, but Alek and I found him. He’ll be all right.”

There was something wrong about that, too, and Kyn struggled to think through the fog that still lay over his mind. It dragged at his thoughts, making it nearly impossible to put everything together into a coherent whole. “You and Alek… weren’t you going off-world?”

Pat exchanged an unreadable look with Eleni. “Been there and come back. Eleni tells me you’ve been out of it for over a month now.”

Kyn shifted his gaze to Eleni. “A month?”

“When you didn’t check in, Cam sent Trevor to the island,” Eleni said, her voice calm and matter-of-fact. “He found you on the floor. Luka was gone, and so was your flyer. You were unconscious for two more days. When you finally came around, you were in so much pain, I had to sedate you. We’ve been bringing you out of it every few days. This is the first time you’ve been coherent enough to talk to me. Are you in any pain?”

“No, no pain. There’s… there’s just nothing.” A cold feeling of dread coiled in his belly. He didn’t want to ask, didn’t want to hear the answer, but the words tumbled out anyway. “Did he burn me out?”

Eleni bit her lip. “I don’t know.”

“What does Jaana say?”

“She can’t sense you. No one can.”

He turned to Pat. “You can’t feel me at all?”

Pat pressed his lips together and shook his head. “No. If I close my eyes, you disappear.”

“What does that mean?” Kyn asked.

“We don’t know yet,” Eleni said. She patted his arm. “I’ll let Jaana know you’re awake. She’ll definitely want to have a look at you.”

When she’d gone, Pat leaned over and pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth. “I missed you,” Pat whispered. “If I’d had any idea what was happening here, I’d have left Alpha in heartbeat.”

Kyn tried again to open his awareness to Pat’s emotions. He wanted to feel what was causing the heavy, bloodshot eyes and the stooped shoulders. He sensed nothing; Pat might as well have been made of stone. “This is going to take some getting used to,” he muttered. “Have you talked to Jaana? Is anything likely to change?”

“She says she’s never seen anything like it before.” Pat was silent after that, giving Kyn time to process it, maybe. Or more likely, didn’t have a clue what he should say.

A short while later, Jaana came in and shooed Pat out. She took Pat’s place by the bed and gave Kyn a bright smile. “Good morning. It’s good to see you awake.”

Kyn hated not being able to feel whether that smile was genuine or if she was putting it on for his benefit. He couldn’t tell from looking at her. “Is it?” he asked. “Morning, I mean.”

“It is. A beautiful one, too. How are you feeling?”

He stretched and considered that. “Like I’ve been lying in bed for a few weeks.”

“What a coincidence,” she said with a gentle, teasing smile. “Eleni will have you up around soon enough, so don’t get too comfortable. How about here?” She tapped her head. “Any pain?”

“No. No pain. I don’t feel anything. It’s just… gone. Like it was never there. I can’t find my center, can’t see the light, can’t form the patterns…” The thought of being shut inside his own head for the rest of his life, of never being able to feel any emotion but his own, was almost too much. He blinked hard and cleared his throat. “How bad is it?”

“Well, you’re alive and coherent, and you’re not in pain, so it’s certainly nowhere near as bad as it could be, and it’s a lot better than it was this time last week.”

He clenched his hands around fistfuls of quilt and scowled at her. The need to verify that her cheerful front was an honest reflection of her true feelings was almost overwhelming. “You know what I’m asking. I can’t sense anything outside of me. Is… is this it?”

Jaana’s ink-black eyes softened. “I don’t know. The fact that you’re conscious and not in pain tells me that something has changed, but I can’t tell you what. Your psi-centers must be active, because if they weren’t, you’d read like a non-psion, rather than being invisible to me. You’re shielded, but it doesn’t appear to be something that’s under your control, and because I can’t get past it, I can’t tell you much else.”

“So you can’t do anything for me,” he said flatly.

Her eyes remained fixed steadily on his. “I can’t. Not at the moment.”

“So this is it.”

“I didn’t say that. I said I don’t know. My experience with this kind of thing is pretty limited.”

“You helped Anja.”

“That’s a matter of opinion. Anja has regained some psi function, but she’s far from healed. She also didn’t have an impenetrable shield keeping me out, so I was able to get in there and… and straighten out the tangles. In your case, I can’t do that. Now, it’s possible that shield is some kind of protective mechanism, and that given time, you’ll heal completely. It’s also possible that what you have right now is going to be it. I just don’t know.”

“How long? If it heals… how long will it take?” he asked, unable to keep the bitterness from sharpening his tone.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t know. I wish I had a better answer for you.”

Kyn stared down at the quilt that covered him as he tried to process the idea that his psi was gone, perhaps forever.

He felt Jaana’s hand take hold of his own and squeeze gently. When he looked up, she was watching him. “Don’t go working yourself into a depression. We don’t know enough about this kind of injury for me to have any idea how this is going to play out. The fact that you’re shielding at all is a good sign.”

“It’s the not knowing,” he said softly.

“I know.” She squeezed his hand again and let go.

Kyn drew in a deep, steadying breath. “So what happens next? What do I do?”

She smiled. “Whatever Eleni tells you. Get yourself back on track physically. I’ll set up a schedule for you and me to talk, too.”

“Therapy,” he muttered, and tried not to scowl at her again.

“You have an adjustment to make, and regardless of whether that adjustment is temporary or permanent, it isn’t going to be easy. I’m here for you anytime you need me.”

“I know,” he whispered.

Pat returned as soon as Jaana had gone. He settled on the chair again, as if he was planning to stay for a while. Kyn couldn’t meet his eyes, didn’t know what to say to him.

After a silence that went on for far too long, Pat whispered, “Don’t do this, Kyn.”

“Don’t do what?”

“Don’t push me away. I can’t stand the thought of losing you again.”

Without thinking, he tried to nudge his awareness toward Pat. It hit him hard in the gut when there was nothing to reach out with, nothing to touch. It hurt to think that maybe he wouldn’t ever touch Pat that way again.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Pat said. “Stop it. We don’t know anything yet. Jaana says it’s too early to tell.”

“But—”

“I’m here for you no matter what. I’ll always be here.”

Kyn closed his eyes. “Even if I’m broken?”

The mattress dipped and he felt Pat’s weight beside him, Pat’s arms around him pulling him close. “You’re not broken,” Pat whispered against his hair. “Not in any way that I care about. I love you. I’ve always loved you.”

He leaned against Pat and tried to take comfort from his warmth, his touch, and that familiar scent that meant he was with the one person who truly understood him.

Kyn couldn’t relax, though. He couldn’t stop his mind from spinning out all the possible futures that might be waiting for them if he and Pat stayed together.

The thought of Pat staying with him out of pity was the worst. Without the benefit of his empathic senses, how would he know if that was how Pat felt? The idea of not ever knowing for certain left him feeling frightened, empty, and more than a little angry.

Finally, he sent Pat out, telling him he wanted to sleep. After Pat left, he lay in bed and stared up at the ceiling. Already, he resented the imagined pity behind Pat’s eyes. He could see that resentment growing into something bitter and hateful. It might be easier on Pat to just call it quits right now, before it all fell apart.

He’d hurt Pat enough.

 

* * *

 

Luka stared out at the lake and imagined himself back on the island, the sun on his shoulders, the wind in his face. He wished he could recapture that feeling of security he’d had when he’d been there with Kyn and Pat. The island had been the first and only place he’d ever truly felt safe.

Of course, it hadn’t lasted. Nothing good ever did. Luka was well aware of just how precarious his existence was now. Safety was an illusion, one that would only last until something about him slipped into the net and Drake Logan figured out that he wasn’t still missing in Iral.

A knock on the door startled him and he spun around, frowning at it for a few moments before it occurred to him that he was in his own apartment. Nobody was going to answer the door but him.

The fact that he had a choice about that — and that the people around him would actually respect that choice — was still sinking in.

When he opened the door, Pat was standing in the hallway. He looked tired, and Luka wondered if he’d sat up all night with Kyn again.

“Did you eat yet?” Pat asked. “We could go get breakfast before we see Kyn.”

Luka’s stomach clenched. Breakfast wasn’t high on the agenda this morning. Neither was seeing Kyn, but Kyn had been asking to see him, and there weren’t any more excuses not to. He’d been busy sorting out the apartment most of yesterday, but…

He glanced back over his shoulder at the living room. His living room. It was light and airy, clean and spacious… and didn’t require any more work from him. Housekeeping had been very efficient; he’d chosen the apartment yesterday morning, and by afternoon it had been all set up and ready for him to move in.

Not that he had much besides himself to move.

“I’m not hungry,” he muttered. “Let’s just go.” And get it over with. He didn’t say it aloud, but Pat frowned at him all the same.

“He’s worried about you,” Pat said quietly. “We don’t have to stay long, but I think it would ease his mind to see for himself that you’re in one piece.”

In the hallway, Luka shut the apartment door and set the lock — another thing he’d never had before — and fell into step beside Pat. He stared down at the dark blue carpet to avoid having to look Pat in the eye. “Did you tell him what happened? Where I went?” His voice dropped to a whisper. “What I did?”

“No, I didn’t. That’s for you to tell him. If you want to.”

Luka didn’t want to. For some reason he had yet to figure out, what Kyn thought of him mattered a lot. “He’ll read your report, won’t he?”

“There isn’t a report. There isn’t even a file on you anymore. I thought I explained that yesterday.”

“I figured you two would talk,” Luka said with a shrug. “I guess it don’t matter if he knows. He’s going to hate me anyway.”

Pat’s steps slowed. “Why would he hate you?”

“For hurting him.” Luka could feel his mouth trembling, his eyes stinging. “He was trying to help me, and I… I can’t…”

Pat took hold of his arm, bringing him to a halt in the middle of the hallway. “Nobody is going to force you to see him if you don’t want to. Word of advice, though, from one friend to another — I think you need to. For both of you. And I suspect Jaana will tell you the same thing.”

Luka pressed his lips together and stared down at his hands. Jaana had already told him the same thing, and he knew that both she and Pat were right — waiting wasn’t going to make him feel any better about things. If Kyn did heal, it would be Kyn who finished his training. He’d have to face him then. “All right,” he said in a tight voice. “Let’s do it.”

In spite of his resolve, he still changed his mind and nearly fled back to his apartment half a dozen times on the walk down to the infirmary. He dragged his feet as he and Pat crossed the atrium toward the research wing, and not because he kept getting distracted by the plants and flowers.

Kyn was sitting up in bed working on his slate when they stopped in the doorway of his room. He set it aside when he saw them waiting, and waved them in. Luka noticed that he didn’t even look at Pat, and that the small smile he directed Luka’s way didn’t touch his eyes.

“Are you all right?” was Kyn’s first question.

“I’m fine,” Luka muttered. “I was… I’m sorry.”

Kyn’s eyes flicked to Pat and then lowered. “Wasn’t your fault.”

“I shouldn’t have left you like that. I thought… I thought you were dead, and…” He stopped, unable to continue.

Kyn didn’t say anything. Luka glanced at Pat, wondering what he should do or say, but Pat just shrugged and shook his head a little.

Finally, Kyn said, “I’m okay. I just… I’m not good company right now. I need some time to get used to things.” It sounded like something he was repeating by rote rather than something he truly believed.

“Right,” Pat said, and even Luka could hear the forced cheerfulness of his tone. “We’ll stop by and see you later. Do you need anything?”

“Nothing you can bring me,” Kyn said in a low voice. “Just… leave me alone, all right?”

“Come on,” Pat said to Luka. “Let’s go find some breakfast.” His voice sounded strained, and when they got out into the hallway, Pat’s fake smile disappeared and his shoulders slumped. He didn’t say anything more as they continued on toward the dining room.

Luka walked in silence beside him, feeling worse and worse as it occurred to him that it might not be just Kyn’s life that he’d destroyed.

He might well have destroyed Pat’s life, too.

 

* * *

 

Pat stood outside the door of Luka’s apartment and waited. He knew Luka was up — he could sense his presence in the apartment. Dosed with Anarin as Luka was, he looked no different to Pat’s psi-senses than the average non-psion. A pissed off, conflicted non-psion who was taking his own sweet time answering the door.

He steeled himself for another difficult morning and knocked again. A moment later, the door opened and Luka stood there glaring up at him.

“What?”

“I was going down to breakfast,” Pat said mildly. “Would you like to join me?”

Luka’s brow creased in a scowl. “I get a choice? I thought you were my bodyguard.”

Pat studied Luka for a moment before responding. It was nearly a week since Pat had taken him to see Kyn, and Luka’s mood hadn’t improved in that time. The dark circles under his eyes and the pallor of his skin said the kid still wasn’t sleeping well. “I’m not your bodyguard,” Pat told him. “You have free run of the place. I thought you knew that.”

“Yeah, well, the way you’re always hanging around, a guy might get the wrong idea. I figured Jaana told you to watch me.”

“At first, maybe, but I kept coming around because I enjoy your company and I thought you might appreciate mine. You don’t seem to be making any friends, and I thought—”

Luka’s lip curled in a sneer. “Thought you could fix me? Ain’t nothin’ you can fix. Nobody wants to be friends with someone who can fry their brain if they look at him wrong. An’ nobody asked you to give a shit, Cottrell.”

“If you’d rather I didn’t stop by in the mornings, I don’t have to.”

“Whatever.” Luka pushed past him and shut the apartment door behind him. “I’m goin’ to breakfast. You comin’ or not?”

Pat debated for a moment, then said, “Not. I wouldn’t want you to get the wrong idea.”

Luka shrugged and headed down the hall, leaving Pat wondering what he’d said wrong this time. If he’d said anything at all.

He didn’t need Jaana to tell him that Luka was blaming himself for Kyn’s condition, but the hostility that met every gesture of friendship was beginning to wear on his nerves. Nothing Pat said seemed to make any difference. Maybe it was time to back off and let Luka get on with it. Cameron had requested his presence at a meeting right after breakfast. If he showed up a little early, perhaps he’d have a chance to quietly broach the subject.

He headed down to the dining room for coffee, then over to the admin wing to Cameron’s office. When he got there, Jaana was already seated at the conference table. Cameron waved him in. “Come on in, Pat. Coffee?”

“No, thanks,” he said, raising his cup as he took a seat at the table, “already got some. With an extra shot of snark from Luka.”

“He giving you a bad time?” Cameron asked.

“No worse than usual. He’s beating himself up over Kyn and taking it out on me. The kid looks exhausted — which is why I’m willing to cut him a fair amount of slack.”

Jaana sighed. “I’m working on him, but so far he refuses to let Eleni give him anything to help him sleep.”

“Maybe he’ll relax a little if he doesn’t feel like he’s being watched and babysat,” Pat suggested. “I don’t think me hanging around is helping. It might even be making things worse.”

“He needs something else to concentrate on,” Jaana said. “Now that he’s used to the Anarin and it’s not making him feel so bad, we can get him set up with Hannah over in Education Services. There’s no record of him ever finishing the Standard Certification. Studying should keep his mind occupied enough that sleep will come a little more easily.”

“Kyn’s out of the infirmary tomorrow, too,” Cameron said. “Maybe that’ll make a difference.”

“Kyn’s out tomorrow?” Pat asked.

Jaana frowned. “He didn’t tell you?”

“I haven’t seen him for a couple of days. I’m heading back to my place later on. It’s pretty clear to me that my presence isn’t helping anyone. Luka’s still blaming himself, Kyn’s pushing me away, and neither one of them really wants me around.”

“Luka needs time. As for Kyn…” Jaana paused, dark eyes searching his face. “Don’t let him push you away, Pat. He needs you right now, even if he doesn’t want to admit it.”

Pat snorted. “Yeah, needs me to get out of his life.”

“It’s not just you,” Cameron said. “He’s pushing everyone away. What he’s dealing with isn’t much different than the loss of one of his senses, and I hadn’t even considered it in those terms until Jaana brought it up yesterday.”

Jaana nodded agreement. “Kyn had better shield control than most psions here, and he’s one of the few psions I know who actually used and relied on his empathic abilities most of the time. For you and me, and almost everyone else here, losing our psi would be a shock, but it wouldn’t be that difficult an adjustment, because we’re shielded most of the time anyway. We have to be if we’re going to stay sane. For Kyn, who’s learned to use that ability enough that he’s come to depend on it, it’s like losing his sight or his hearing. He’s used to having that extra sense there when he deals with people. Now that it’s gone, he has to rely on visual cues and body language that he just isn’t used to reading anymore.”

“That does make sense,” Pat said slowly. “I hadn’t thought about it like that, either. I thought it was just another excuse to get rid of me.”

“For what it’s worth, I don’t think it is,” Cameron said.

“Good to know I’m not special.”

Jaana regarded him over the rim of her coffee cup. “I think you are special to Kyn, but I think he’s lost sight of that. Maybe you need to remind him.”

“Maybe. Sometimes I think that if he wants to be left alone, I should respect that. The rest of the time, I want to kick him into next week for holding it all in and not letting me be there for him.”

“Which brings us to the reason we asked you here,” Jaana said, glancing in Cameron’s direction. “Cam?”

Cameron leaned forward, folding his hands on the table in front of him. “Jaana and I are both concerned about Kyn; concerned enough that we’re not comfortable with the idea of him being alone in his apartment. I wondered if you’d consider staying on here for a while. With him.”

“You mean move in with him?” Pat asked. At Cameron’s nod, he shook his head slowly. “I’m not sure he’d appreciate that. He doesn’t seem awfully excited about having company — mine or anyone else’s.”

“He might be if it’s a choice between a roommate and a bed in Psych Services,” Jaana said drily.

Pat frowned. Talk about backing the guy into a corner. “Have you asked him about it?”

“Yesterday,” Jaana said. “He was grudgingly agreeable when Eleni and I spelled out his options.”

“I’ll bet he was. Lesser of two evils and all that.” He let out a long sigh. “How long would you need me for? I don’t have a whole lot of vacation time racked up at the moment. And what’s Iverson going to say about it?”

“I’m not sure how long we’ll need you,” Cameron said, “but Iverson says it’s up to you. I talked to him yesterday — he’ll cover half your salary and the rest will be covered by the Institute. We’re calling it resource protection.”

Pat scowled at that. Typical, practical Iverson. “How does Kyn feel about being a resource?”

“I haven’t mentioned it,” Cameron said with a grin. “I’m rather attached to my teeth, and I’d like to keep them.”

Pat leaned back in his chair and considered the proposal. He’d been dreading being sent off-world. Leaving on assignment when Kyn might need him felt like desertion, even if Kyn didn’t seem to care. “All right, I’ll do your dirty work for you. I guess if you want somebody with him, it makes sense for it to be me. I don’t suppose he’s going to see it that way, though.”

“He’s aware that the recommendation came from me,” Jaana said. She got to her feet. “I’ll let him know what we’ve decided. If you could come by my office tomorrow morning, you and I can discuss a few things while Trevor gets Kyn settled back in his apartment.”

“I’ll be there.” Pat rose and started to leave.

“Stay a minute, Pat,” Cameron said. He waited until Jaana had let herself out, then said, “Just a heads-up — you might be getting a call from Logan. We had words this morning.”

“About?”

“Luka. Logan’s convinced that we’re hiding him.”

“Well, we are.”

Cameron gave him the same sort of bland look that Neil Iverson was known throughout FedSec Aurora for. “Apparently all records of Luka’s initial arrest in Riga and subsequent processing have disappeared from the net.”

Pat’s pulse jumped and his shoulders tightened. “Does he suspect you had something to do with it?”

“He all but accused me of it. Thanks to Miko, he has no proof that Luka ever existed. I told Logan that FedSec’s record-keeping policies and data-archiving foul-ups aren’t my problem, and that as far as I know, Luka is still missing and that we’ve neither seen nor heard from him since the attack on Kyn.”

Which meant Jared was keeping quiet. Pat relaxed a fraction. Jared Vidal had been his main worry; Pat could still see no logical reason for Vidal to risk his own career protecting Alek. “And what did Logan say to that?”

“Not much he could say. He said he’d be watching me, and that with my history I should be more concerned with keeping my nose clean than going on some personal crusade.”

“Ouch. That doesn’t sound good.”

“I’m not too concerned. I trust Miko to keep Luka off the net and to deal with any surveillance Logan tries to implement. It’s not the first time Miko and I have made a psion disappear.”

Pat shook his head and gave Cameron a faint smile. “You’re just as much of a cowboy as you were when you were a psi hunter. They still tell stories about you, you know.”

“I’m sure they’re all wild exaggerations,” Cameron said mildly. “I’m just trying to help some people who never seem to get a break. Is that a bad thing?”

“Could be if Logan finds out.”

“He won’t.”

Cameron sounded far too confident for Pat’s comfort. According to the stories, Logan had been the first to suggest Cameron should resign when he was brought before the Command Council to justify his decision to scrap his last mission. It was all too easy to imagine Logan throwing his considerable political weight behind an attempt to have Cameron removed from the directorship of the Institute.

Pat only hoped Cameron knew what he was doing.

 

* * *

 

Kyn ignored the knock on his apartment door. He remained standing by the picture window, back to the door, staring out at the lake. He knew it would be Pat, who was coming to stay with him, and he knew Trevor would answer it. Trevor was a firm supporter of Cameron and Jaana’s relentless campaign to make him forget how broken and useless he was. Their latest attempt meant he was saddled with a roommate he didn’t want until Jaana decided it was safe to leave him to his own devices.

He knew they had doubts about his stability. Given the nature of the questions Jaana kept asking, he was well aware they were worried that losing his psi might push him over the edge, maybe even drive him to hurt himself. Trying to explain to Jaana that he wasn’t about to self-destruct was a complete waste of breath. She couldn’t read him to get a sense of his true feelings, so she was being extremely cautious.

The professional in him understood their concerns, but the truth was that suicide had never crossed his mind. He’d already faced down that particular demon at the tender age of sixteen, and had decided that he wanted to live far more than he wanted to die.

It annoyed the hell out of him that everyone seemed to be waiting for him to crack.

He heard Trevor greet Pat, and heard Trevor’s quiet warning, too: “He’s about as prickly as I’ve ever seen him. Do you want me to stick around?”

And Pat’s equally quiet reply: “No, I can handle him.”

Kyn almost snorted at that. Pat thought he could handle him, did he? They’d just see about that. The door closed behind Trevor.

“I don’t need to be watched,” Kyn said, not taking his eyes off the lake. He wished the view of the water calmed him the way it seemed to calm Luka. “You can leave too, if you’d like.”

“You don’t want me here?” Pat asked quietly.

“No.” Kyn turned to face him. “I don’t. I don’t want anybody here.” Especially not Pat, whom he was trying to distance himself from.

“I’m sorry.” Pat spread his hands in a gesture of peace. “It wasn’t my decision.”

“And yet you agreed to play their game.”

Pat flinched and looked away. “I’m not here because of some stupid game. I’m here because I love you and I thought if somebody had to be here, you might prefer it was me. I… thought maybe you needed me.”

“Why is it that everyone around here is suddenly the expert on what I need? I don’t need anything except to be left alone.”

“I can’t do that,” Pat said softly. “When someone you love is in pain, you don’t desert them.”

“You should desert me,” he said, forcing the words out, even though hurting Pat was like hurting himself. “I’m not any good for you. I’m broken. More broken now than I was before. You deserve better. You… you should go out there and find it.”

“You are not broken.” Pat’s voice was fierce, his eyes shimmering with unshed tears. “And I’m not going out there to find anything, not when everything I want is right here in front of me. You’re strong and you’re beautiful and you’re amazing and I want you. Damn it, Kyn, I love you. I’ll always love you.”

For one moment, he believed the utter conviction he heard in Pat’s voice, and for another moment, he forgot that Pat’s voice was all he had to go on. He tried to touch Pat’s mind, to verify that words matched intent.

It was still a shock when he felt nothing beyond the conflicting emotions in his own heart. He hated that there was no way for him to know whether or not Pat really meant those words. No way to know if Pat was here out of love or out of pity. Kyn turned back to the window. “Sounds like that’s your problem,” he said in a hoarse voice.

He heard Pat’s sharp intake of breath and closed his eyes. Without psi, he couldn’t feel the knife he’d just driven into Pat’s heart, but he could imagine the expression on Pat’s face. He didn’t want to see it.

“Fine,” Pat said in a brittle voice. “I’ll stay out of your way as much as I can, but I’m not giving up on you, Kyn. Not a chance.”