Santa Barbara, 1999
“Well, tell me!” Maddie demanded. “You went off for three days with Geoff’s doctor. So, how was it?”
“Egad, Mad, have you no shame? I just walked in my apartment ten minutes ago,” replied Kate, holding the phone away from her ear. “Quit shouting at me.”
“So?”
“So give me a chance to catch my breath and sort my dirty laundry.”
“I hope that includes fragile lingerie designed to muddle a man’s mind,” laughed Maddie. “I’m trying to get packed for New York, but maybe I’ll stop in Santa Barbara.”
“Not necessary,” said her sister quickly. “I think that I just need some quiet time right now.”
“Worn out, eh?” laughed Maddie.
“Cute,” snapped her sister.
“So, do you like him? Was he any good in bed?”
“You’re shameless, and it is none of your business.”
“Well, if you don’t tell me then I can’t tell Aunt Bette, and she’ll be calling you soon,” laughed Maddie.
“Maddie …,” began Kate. There was silence for a moment. “He’s great. Which of course presents a whole new set of problems.”
“Leave it to my little sister to drag something bad out of something wonderful,” sighed Maddie. “What new problems?”
“Well, for one, he lives in San Francisco. I live in Santa Barbara and have a job here. Nick is talking about moving down here, but I don’t know if he’d be happy, and it would be my responsibility to make him happy if he lived here because of me. Get the picture?”
“So—the man must really love you,” Maddie suggested.
“Happy endings like that don’t work in real life,” she replied. “Let’s not get into this right now—you’re depressing me.”
“Wait a minute, I’m depressing you? Ah, little sister … oh well, you just go brood on this whole dreadful problem of being in love with a fabulous man, and I’ll call you later.”
Kate sighed, grateful for the sudden silence in her apartment. She had so much to think about for the next few days, and so many good things to remember. Two days later, her pensive idyll was shattered.
“I’m sorry to wake you, love. But I don’t think that he’s going to make it this time.” The words cut through Kate’s sleep like dull razor blades. “His body is so exhausted …” It was Nick’s voice, weary and careful. “You might want to call your sister and get up here if you can do so.”
Kate sat up in bed and pushed the hair back from her face. A cold feeling seized her stomach. Forty-eight hours before, she had said a passionate farewell to Nick in Cambria after a lovely dream weekend. Now comes the nightmare, she thought.
“I’ll call Maddie at once. We’ll be there as soon as we can—I think that she’s going to New York, but I should be able to reach her …”
“Good. Let me know when you’re arriving. I’ll pick you up.”
“No—stay with Geoff, if you can. I’ll get a cab.”
“Take care. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
She hung up and began searching for Maddie’s cell phone number with shaking fingers.
San Francisco, 1999
Kate sat at her brother’s bedside the next morning, watching the icy rain hit the windows. It had been a bumpy flight from Santa Barbara, a long cab ride from the airport, and a cold unwelcoming day in San Francisco. Dr. O’Donnell was asleep in the resident’s room down the hall, and she hadn’t wanted to wake him even for a reassuring hug and kiss. Nothing seemed real at the moment, especially the deterioration in Geoff’s condition. Every bone in his body was apparent beneath fragile pale skin. His breathing was ragged, but he seemed aware of her presence when she took his hand.
“Geoff—you didn’t have to get so sick in order to continue matchmaking,” she said, attempting to keep him with her. “I love your doctor very much. We just had a fabulous three days together.”
He smiled. “He’s going to marry you.”
“Well—we haven’t gotten that far yet …,” she began.
“Yes. It would be—right. Something that I did, something good—and something traditional!”
“You’ve done many good things, dear one. Please, Geoff, fight for a little more time.”
“Time—to give you away at a wedding?”
“Yes. Think about it.” Kate could see a gentle smile on his face and tried to recreate the future he would never see. “Now, I want to get married in Santa Barbara, so you’ll have to fly down there with Maddie. You’ll do that for me, won’t you?” she encouraged.
“Sure …,” he whispered.
She was silent for a moment, her mind churning with images. She wanted to take him away from this room, from death itself. “It will be up at the El Encanto Hotel on a late sunny afternoon. We’ll set up chairs by their beautiful pond and float gardenias among the lotus blossoms and goldfish. I’ll get a string quartet to play—but we’ll do some modern songs. You can help me pick them out.”
Geoff was smiling, and Kate continued. “Now let’s see … wedding at four o’clock, hors d’oeuvres afterward, and dinner at six. A sit-down dinner—you’ll be at my table, of course, in a tuxedo with a colored cummerbund. Maddie will be matron of honor. Heaven knows she’s had enough experience with weddings, and I’ll ask her to wear … pale lilac, I think. Something long and filmy, with flowers in her hair and maybe just a bit of glitter on her cheeks. Nick will be in a tuxedo, of course, with a rose in his lapel. His beard will be all brushed, and he’ll beam happily. I shall wear pale green and Mama’s emeralds, and carry—” She paused, unable to go further.
“You’ll carry gardenias, of course,” he continued softly, his eyes closed, visualizing the scene. “And a tiara of little roses in your hair. Everything will smell like roses and gardenias and …”
“And fresh green ferns,” she continued. “We’ll walk together along the grass, and you’ll give me away. Then we’ll party all night!”
He was silent and seemed to be drifting off again. “We’ll have garlic mashed potatoes by the gallon,” she continued quickly. “Baked salmon and filet mignon, asparagus spears, salad with lots of blue cheese, and a glorious, overly decorated wedding cake. Maybe chocolate? Remember how those things all taste?”
He smiled, and she rushed on. “We’ll have good champagne—I don’t know how much money Nick has, but I’ll make Aunt Bette pay for it. She’ll adore helping me plan a wedding.”
They sat in silence for a long time, and Kate wondered if Geoff had gone to sleep. Finally, he opened his eyes and turned his head toward her. “You’ll invite James, of course?” he said suddenly.
“He’s our brother.”
“I was cruel to James when he came. I hated him. Tell him that I don’t hate him anymore. We should have talked—”
Kate clutched his hand. “Should I ask him to come up here?” she asked. Geoff turned away, acting as if he hadn’t heard her.
“Remember, the ashes are to be scattered in the bay.”
“No, Geoff. Not yet,” she said sharply. “Please.” Kate felt a hand on her shoulder and looked up to see Dr. O’Donnell. She leaned her cheek against his hand, seeking warmth and comfort. “Sweet Katherine,” he said softly. “I’m sorry that I can’t do more.”
“Maddie is coming, Nick. Can he hold on?”
“I don’t know. He’s surprised us so many times, but he’s not going to get much better. I don’t want to have to ask you again about … prolonging things. Geoff already made his wishes clear.”
“Yes,” she said with a chill in her voice. “I know.”
Geoffrey opened his eyes. “I’m still here, don’t talk about me as if I weren’t. I’ll wait for Maddie,” he said with a trace of his old humor.
“Get some rest. You have other visitors waiting out there to see you,” said Dr. O’Donnell briskly. “Jason, Louis … several others. I don’t want them to wear you out.”
Nick took Kate’s hand and pulled her up. “Now, sleep for a while. Your sister and I are going into the hall.”
Geoff smiled with great effort. “Behave yourself …,” he mumbled before he drifted off to sleep.
Maddie had arrived and was pacing along the quiet corridor. She hugged Kate wordlessly and turned a critical eye on Dr. O’Donnell. “Is this it?” she asked
O’Donnell kept one arm about Kate and took Maddie’s hand. “Yes. His body can’t do it anymore. He’s asleep now, and if he wakes up, don’t ask him to keep fighting. Let him go.”
Maddie’s eyes filled with tears. “Can I just go sit with him for a while? I won’t …” She sniffed and straightened her posture. “I won’t wake him.”
She sat in the silence of the semidark room, gazing at her brother’s ravaged face, trying to remember him as the splendid man that he once was. But to her, he was still a splendid man filled with wit and spirit. Where did all of that go when this skeletal frame disappeared? Only into memories? With a sign, she bit her lip and decided to go pace the hall for a while. Katie always said that I’m a verb, she thought. I need to move …
Two hours later, Geoffrey woke and smelled his sister Maddie’s perfume. He knew that she must have been sitting with him. It was now night, and he couldn’t see well into the shadows by the window. Someone emerged from the shadows, and the smell of sweat and tobacco assaulted him.
“Hey, nephew, how goes it?” asked his great-uncle, Philip.
“Not so well. Guess I’ll be with you before too long.”
Philip shrugged. “Don’t worry about it too much. Dying is the easy part.” He looked about the hospital room. “All of this stuff, and still they can’t save you. Damned shame.”
“Why does it have to be you? Why can’t I see my mother again?”
Philip shrugged. “You called me here, remember? Who knows? I think that you have to be dead for a long time before they let you come back.”
“Tell me …,” mumbled Geoff, surprised at his own indifference to this imagined visitor. “According to my sister, James has nightmares that the afterlife is a tavern filled with bad smells, rotten food, and disapproving ancestors.”
“You sneer at us,” said Philip mildly, examining the intravenous tubing that surrounded Geoffrey’s bed. “Don’t. You don’t have to live in my time.”
“But you were more intensely alive, I think,” retorted Geoffrey.
“Oh c’mon, nephew! Our lives were never easy. You think about us, but then again you think too much. We didn’t have time to worry about our descendants. We were too busy staying alive.” Philip paused, listening to noise from the corridor. “Anyway, I have to be going …”
“Do I go with you? Will I see you?” asked Geoff, suddenly afraid.
“I don’t know. Remember, I’m not allowed to tell—then again, don’t worry too much, nephew. Maybe you’ll like getting to know us.” Philip Cobham disappeared back into the shadows as the door opened, and his real and living sister Maddie entered the room.
Geoffrey was too exhausted to talk with his sister. She sat and held his hand as he drifted in and out of consciousness, mumbling to invisible presences. Other friends came to see him, but he was unable to communicate with them. “I’m dying … I’m finally dying …,” he thought idly. Philip was right—it was not going to be that difficult.
“Your book … the one you are writing with Kate … you two never killed Rebecca … You never finished it,” he whispered at last. Maddie, who had been dozing in a chair by the bed, jumped to attention.
“What, sweetheart?” she asked.
“You didn’t kill old Rebecca. She was ninety at the end of the book …,” he mused.
“Oh, yes, you mean our book. No, we didn’t kill Rebecca. Samuel died, though,” she responded.
“You didn’t want to kill yourself—” he said with a ghost of a smile. “Rebecca was you.”
“In some ways,” admitted Maddie
“How would you do it?” he asked.
“Geoff—I don’t know …”
“Gently, I hope. It would be too much to have Samuel come back for her and sing ‘Come away, come away, my darling …’”
“Yes. The editor will laugh at us.”
“Tell James—it isn’t so hard—” Geoffrey gave a long sigh and then was silent.
Maddie waited a moment and was suddenly seized by panic. “Doctor! Kate!” She ran toward the door, shouting for help.
Geoffrey’s ashes were spread in San Francisco Bay. Nicholas borrowed a large, fine sailboat, and Kate shook the beautiful ceramic urn over the churning dark waters. Maddie sat beside her and poured a bottle of Geoffrey’s favorite wine into the bay at the same moment. Somehow, it just seemed the right thing to do.
Kate tossed the urn into the water and watched as the silvery ash was caught in the cold winds whistling through the Golden Gate Bridge. She gently touched her fingers to her lips and blew a kiss into the air. “We keep you in our hearts,” she whispered.
“It has been a tough week, fair Kate. We’ll be docking soon and can spend the night on this boat—if you don’t mind. You need to get some rest. You too, Maddie,” said Nick, giving both of them a hug.
“Call me a cab when we dock,” Maddie said hoarsely. “I need to meet Aunt Bette and James at the hotel. I still can’t believe that he showed up for the funeral!”
“At least he didn’t come with us today,” sighed Kate. “But I really believe that he’s sorry for a lot of the things that happened.”
Maddie shrugged. “Maybe. I don’t feel like dealing with his problems right now. I’m going down below to get a stiff belt of tequila and take a nap. Remember, we’re flying back to Santa Barbara tomorrow afternoon. Don’t be too late at the airport.” She moved carefully and went through the hatch to the cabin below.
Nick went back to the tiller and turned the boat toward the shore. He suspected that Kate needed to be alone for a while. Even when death was expected, it was never less than agonizing for those who loved.
Kate put her head down on her knees and began to sob, grieving for her brother, her parents, her Aunt Blanche, and all of the Cobhams who had lived and danced in her imagination. “You are all here—in my memories,” she whispered. “I’ll keep you in my heart, whoever you were.”
Much later, when the boat was securely docked in a slip in the San Francisco Marina and Maddie had gone back to the hotel, she and Nicholas shared a large bunk in the snug cabin. He slept soundly, wearied by the demands of the past few days. Kate lay awake, listening to the winds singing in the masts of the hundreds of ships moored around them. These same winds had brought her ancestors to America.
Geoffrey was out there now—in the winds and seas. All that he had ever been was still out there. Everything that had ever been on earth was still there, but completely transformed. Geoff, her parents, old William, Rebecca, and so many more. The only things that remained the same were held in memories, and even they became distorted with time.
The patter of rain began on the fiberglass surfaces of the ship. Water from the atmosphere was returning to the oceans. This same water had passed through rocks, animals, and people. Some of those molecules had been Geoff.
Someday, she might have to scatter Nick’s ashes, or Maddie’s, or Aunt Bette’s. No, she thought, Aunt Bette had a spot picked out at the Santa Barbara Cemetery near Aunt Blanche and Ronald Coleman. Christopher would probably have to deal with her own death in the future.
I suffer when I kill off the long-dead ancestors in my book, she thought. I’m too soft. Whoever designed this universe had a cruel sense of humor!
She snuggled closer to Nick’s warm body beside her and slept.