You were looking right at me.
I broke.
Ariel, what did I do to you? What do you think I did to you? I always thought you were the strong one. I thought you could take anything. When you talked about the Truth, I thought you knew something that I didn’t. I was just following. I didn’t realize how bad it was. And then, when I saw how bad it was, I did the only thing I could do. You wanted help, didn’t you? But in a moment, you went from being grateful to being so angry. And that anger is what I’m left with. Because it makes me doubt, Ariel. It makes me doubt everything. And I wish you were here, because you’re the only one who can tell me what to do. Are you sending these photographs? Is this from you? Because I’m starting to understand. Really, I am. How maddening the Truth must have been. To think it’s out there, and to know you can’t get to it. We only see representations, not the real Truth. Was that what was wrong? Did that take over who you were? Ariel, you have to stop this. Ariel, I can’t take this. Ariel, all I ever did was love you. And if it didn’t work, I’m sorry. It was all I could do. You left me with no choice. YOU LEFT ME WITH NO CHOICE. Does that make sense to you, Ariel? Can you make sense anymore? Is sense any different from the Truth? I know it is. I know it is. You would tell me how unhappy you were, but I thought you meant at that moment. I didn’t realize how it fills you. Did it fill you, Ariel? Or is happiness another of the fake words? Ariel, I’m trying to understand. Ariel, you won’t go away. I couldn’t want you to go away even if it meant surviving. No. I want you to go away. I want this to stop. I miss you so much. Ariel, I know you can’t hear this. Are you listening?
I pressed my head into my pillow and I screamed. Pure sound. No words. But it all came out as your name to me.
My mother came running into my room.
“What’s wrong?” she asked. Then, again, “Evan? What’s wrong?”
She saw the photo on my computer.
“Oh, Evan,” she said. “Please.”
She tried. Everyone tried with me. And every time, it felt like the whole point of life was to see if trying was ever enough.