The Biggest Mess

“Nice to meet you, Karen,” the judge replied. “My name is Joseph Sand.”

I put on my very best manners. Even if I did not look nice, I could act nice. “Allow me to introduce you,” I said to Mr. Sand.

I dragged Nannie over to him. I chose Nannie first, because at least she was wearing a dress. “Mr. Sand, this is my stepgrandmother. I call her Nannie. We all do.”

Nannie stuck out her right hand. “Sorry it is wet,” she said. “I was doing the dishes. The ones from last week. Oh, well. Better late than never, I guess. Next week I will wash this week’s dishes.”

I wondered if I looked as horrified as Mr. Sand did.

Probably, I decided. But I introduced the rest of my family. Daddy’s hands were covered with grease. He did not even wipe them on his pants before he shook hands with Mr. Sand. Andrew would not shake Mr. Sand’s hand at all. Emily cried. Sam burped. He did not say, “Excuse me.” He just laughed.

I had to do something fast.

“Mr. Sand, may I show you around our house and yard?” I asked.

I was not sure that was such a great idea. But it had to be better than standing around with my piggy family.

Guess what. My family followed us around. They came along on the tour of the house and yard. Even though it was really the judge’s tour.

I led the judge upstairs. On the way, I thought about which room to show off first. Not my own. I had not finished cleaning it up. I decided on Andrew’s. He had cleaned his up. Plus, he is pretty neat anyway.

“Mr. Sand, this is my brother Andrew’s beautiful room.” I showed him inside. “Yipes!” I cried. “Oh, my goodness!”

Andrew’s room was not neat. In fact, I could hardly walk through it. The floor was covered with Legos and Lincoln Logs and Tinker Toys. Since Andrew was right behind me, I cried, “What happened?”

“My building fell down,” he answered.

“Let’s look at another room, Mr. Sand,” I suggested.

We peeked into Sam’s. The room looked like a laundry had exploded in it. Clothes were everywhere. They were even draped over his lamps.

“No need to see that after all,” I said quickly. “Let’s try a bathroom.”

Emily Michelle had been finger-painting in the bathroom. The tub and the tiles were red and blue and yellow.

Emily leaned into the bathroom. “I do that!” she exclaimed.

“You are supposed to clean up your messes!” I snapped.

Emily burst into tears. “Go away!” she cried.

Good idea.

“Mr. Sand, allow me to show you the yard,” I said.

The judge and I stood on the back porch. We looked across the lawn. “My daddy planted those gardens,” I said, pointing. “There is his flower garden, and there is his herb garden.”

“What is that?” asked Mr. Sand. He was pointing at something else.

It was Boo-Boo. And he had caught a bird. He was trotting through the grass with the bird hanging out of his mouth. Oh, gross.

“Boo-Boo!” I shrieked.

Boo-Boo dropped the bird. He ran away.

I glanced at Mr. Sand. Mr. Sand was not smiling. He was frowning. I thought about showing him our toolshed. I decided not to.

I knew I would never see the shores of Hawaii.