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The bedside lamp gave her room a warm glow. Sleep was impossible with so many thoughts racing through her mind. Lily was stuck firmly on the fence about Jonas. She didn’t have any preconceived notions about him. And to some extent it gave her the ability to look at it with an open mind. If Jonas had betrayed them but his motivation was good, it would still never be the same for them. Once trust was broken it was hard to go back.
She turned onto her side, staring at the green digits of her clock.
And if Drew let her down? She’d be disappointed and hurt, but the devastation wouldn’t be as severe for her as it would be for them. She didn’t know Drew; she hadn’t had the years to build a relationship with him like they’d had with Jonas. He was like a second father to them, especially Nate. Maybe because they were both fire fae.
They’d all seemed happier after they connected the circle and by the time Matt dropped her at home, Nate had seemed okay. She knew that if he needed them, they’d be there for him in a heartbeat. But she needed him to know that no matter who was lying—Jonas or Drew—she’d always be on their side, on his side.
The digital numbers flicked to two a.m. and she rolled onto her back. Was he as sleepless as she was? She reached for her phone, sat up, and scrolled to his name. She’d send him a message—if he was asleep it wouldn’t disturb him.
Seconds after sending it her phone rang.
“Did I wake you?” she asked.
“No, I wasn’t asleep. Are you okay? Has something happened?” The concern in his voice had her smiling stupidly at the ceiling.
“No, I’m fine. I’ve been thinking. I know you have Matt and the twins, but you have me as well. Y’know...” She let it hang, not wanting to upset him.
“If Jonas knows more than he’s told us.”
“Yeah.”
“It’s...” He hesitated.
“Rug pulling,” she supplied.
“Yeah, I’m off balance.”
“Even if he has lied to you, there’s probably a good reason. Keeping Matt safe from people who could harm him is a good reason, an excellent reason.”
“I know. I’m realising why you liked to hide your head in the sand,” he admitted.
“It’s safe and comfy.”
“I never meant to be hard on you. You drove me up the bloody wall with denying what you were, but I guess I can see why you were doing it now. I’m sorry for being a git.”
“You had my back,” she whispered. Her throat ached at how defeated and hurt he sounded. “You didn’t give up on me. I needed you to kick my butt.”
“I will never give up on you, sweetheart. And I’ll kick your butt anytime you want.” There was a trace of humour in his voice.
“I’ll kick your butt too, favour returned,” she teased him, beaming when he laughed happily.
“We should’ve done a sleepover at Matt’s.”
“Maybe we can do one tomorrow night?”
“Yeah, good idea. We’ll sort it out.” He hesitated for a few seconds. “Are you sleepy at all?”
“No. I can’t stop thinking.”
“Neither can I,” he admitted. He went silent for a second before speaking again. “Do you trust me?”
“Yes.”
“Open your window and give me ten minutes.”
He ended the call and she opened the window before snuggling back under the covers, watching the clock. Six minutes and several seconds had passed when she heard rustling outside. She looked out and saw a dark figure jog up the lawn, stopping under her window.
“Hey, Rapunzel, let down your hair,” Nate whispered.
“No way, Romeo, I like my hair attached to my head.”
“You’re no fun.” He stretched, caught a hold on something, and climbed up easily. She moved back as he clambered over the window sill, narrowly missing hitting his head on the wooden frame.
“What are you, Spiderman?” she whispered as she shut the window behind him.
“I wish.” He crawled over her bed and sat on the edge, a carrier bag in his hands. “We’ve been climbing in and out of these places for years. We can’t at the twins ’cause they had the conservatory built. We reckon they got it to stop the twins from getting out. Aunt April can hear them open their door, but she could never hear when they climbed out the window.” He kept his voice low as he spoke.
She stood in front of him and his gaze dropped to her legs. She’d forgotten she was wearing a mid-thigh length t-shirt and nothing else. She got into bed, sitting cross legged with the covers over her.
“Is your mum a light sleeper?” He turned to face her on the bed, one leg bent under him.
“No, not really. If I fall she’ll hear, but if we keep whispering she won’t hear us.”
“I was going to give this to you earlier, but I forgot.” He held the bag out to her. “It’s wrapped properly inside. I just didn’t want it getting ruined on the way over.” He pulled it back before she could take it and opened the bag, taking out a flowery package that looked as if it had been wrapped by a one-handed blind man.
She loved it already.
“I don’t know what your favourite colour is,” he said as she took it from him.
“Thank you.” She smiled at him. “You didn’t have to get me anything.”
“Of course I did, it’s your birthday.”
“You took me out to dinner,” she reminded him as she tried to find a spot to start opening it. He must have used an entire roll of wrapping paper and at least two rolls of tape. It made her heart flip. He was an absolute genius in some things and clueless in others. She finally found an area he’d missed with the tape and opened it. He’d given her a beautiful emerald green, cotton scarf. It was double wide with fringes on either end.
“It’s beautiful, thank you.” She rubbed her cheek into the softness of the scarf. “You were right.”
“I was?” He lifted his eyebrow at her. “I mean, yes, probably, but what am I right about this time?” He winked at her.
She pushed his shoulder gently. “Your ego is only surpassed by your bossiness.”
“I’m wounded.” He pushed his glasses up his nose.
“You’ll get over it.” She leant forward, her mouth beside his ear. “Green is my favourite colour.”
She expected him to act cocky, not groan, turn his head, and capture her lips with his. His hands hovered by her shoulders as if he didn’t know if he could touch her. He drew back, licking his lips, and pushed his glasses up his nose. There was a hint of a flush across his cheeks, and an uncertain look in his eyes.
“It’s okay,” she whispered.
“I don’t want to, I mean, I do want to kiss you, but I don’t. I mean, we’re alone.” He pushed his glasses up, just to take them off and begin cleaning them with his jumper. “I’ve been alone with you before, of course. But you’ve, we’ve, I’ve... Yes.”
She dropped her forehead onto his shoulder, hiding her smile. She’d never seen him so unsure of himself, and it made her fall for him even harder.
“Lily?” His voice was husky and uncertain.
She lifted her head and cupped his cheeks. Strands of dark hair fell into his eyes. His pupils had contracted to pinpoints, the blue of his eyes so intense she caught her breath.
“I want—” His voice squeaked and the flush on his cheeks darkened as he cleared his throat. “I want to kiss you, but you’re in bed.”
“Would it help if I got out of bed?” She didn’t wait for an answer, just scrambled out of bed and sat beside him. “Is that better?”
His eyes dropped to where her shirt ended several inches above her knees. “Frankly?” He put his glasses on. “No.”
“Do you want me to get dressed?”
He caught her gaze and her stomach dropped away. Something in his eyes had changed, the uncertainty was there, but there was a predatory look and it called to something deep inside her.
“What I really want, Lily May, is to help you take that t-shirt off. I want to see what you’re wearing underneath it, and then I want to take that off too.”
Heat pooled low in her stomach. His words made her groan and shift on the bed as the heat slid lower.
“But no matter how much I want to do that, I can’t,” he whispered.
“Why not?”
“Jesus, Lily, you’re not making this any easier.” His hands shook slightly as he removed his glasses to clean them again.
“I trust you, Nate.” She took his glasses and put them on the side.
“Makes one of us,” he whispered before closing the distance and kissing her gently.
Threading her fingers through his hair, he groaned sending shivers over her skin as he deepened the kiss. Opening her mouth to him, the tip of his tongue met hers, and she tightened her hold in his hair. He clutched the back of her head, and her entire world narrowed to just him. Tugging her closer, he rested his forehead against hers, breaking the kiss so they could breathe.
“Bloody hell, I could lose myself in you.” He cupped her cheeks with his palms.
“You make me feel funny inside,” she whispered, her hands drifted from his hair to his arms. “I’ve never felt this way before.”
“I feel it too.” He kissed her again.
“I don’t want to hurt you either. I mean, I don’t want to lead you on, but you’re addictive.”
“You’re not leading me on, baby. This is new territory for both of us.” He kissed her forehead. “I want to touch you, kiss you, but I don’t want to ruin this either.”
“Ruin it?”
“I don’t want you to regret it tomorrow. I don’t want any regrets between us at all.”
She buried her face in his neck. “I don’t think I’ll ever regret anything we do together.”
Holding her close, his fingers traced up and down her back. He grazed the skin of her neck, and she shivered.
“Tell me when to stop.” His voice was a husky whisper, and she groaned as tingles rippled through her lower stomach. Goosebumps rose on her skin as he tugged her t-shirt from where she was sitting on it.
“Take your jumper off,” she whispered, her fingers clenching into the material at his waist.
He shrugged out of it, dropping it on the floor, and she couldn’t help the laugh that left her lips.
“What?” He frowned.
“Your t-shirt is inside out.”
Pulling it off, he dropped it on the bed beside him. “I was in too much of a hurry to see you. I’m not even sure my socks match,” he said and cut off her laugh with his lips before pulling back.
Her fingertips touched his wrists, and she caught his gaze, silently asking for permission. He nodded, his breathing hitched. Dark hair covered his lower arms, growing less as she trailed her fingers up to the hairless skin of his upper arms. His biceps were defined, a contrast of hard muscle and soft, warm skin. Tracing her fingertips across his shoulders, she revelled in the way he shivered beneath her touch. His breathing hitched, and she bit her lip, his reaction turning her on.
Groaning, he gripped her face, bringing his lips to hers. Their kisses grew deeper, more desperate. She shifted closer to him, her tongue chasing his as she sank into the kiss with an urgency, a need to touch and be touched.
Exploring his chest, ghosting her fingertips over his nipples, she discovered that his body responded the same as hers did. The way he felt under her fingers, the hard plane of muscles that led down to his jeans was more than she dreamt of. She traced the edge of his jeans, and he wrenched his mouth from her, burying his face into her neck. Pushing his hands under the hem of her shirt he stroked over the bare skin of her back. The intensity of his touch made her groan into his shoulder. Pressing her palms into his chest, she moaned as his fingers explored the skin of her back.
Flicking his tongue out, he licked the skin under her ear. “You feel so good,” he whispered. His hands inched around her sides with every sweep of his fingers, and it made her cling to the waistband of his jeans, her eyes closed, breathing ragged against his neck. Anticipation grew as his fingers edged nearer, until his thumbs grazed the sides of her breasts. She gasped at the sensation and pressed her face into his neck. She stroked her hands up his back to grip his shoulders, clinging to him as sensations curled through her.
“Lily,” his voice cracked, and he cleared his throat.” I want to touch you.”
“Please, yes.” She wanted his hands on her, she wanted to climb inside him and never leave.
He pulled back, not enough to dislodge her from his shoulder, but enough to slide his hands around her sides agonizingly slowly. His thumbs brushed over her nipples and she cried out into his neck.
“Kiss me.” It was a demand and one she obeyed eagerly. It wasn’t gentle or tender. It was possessive, passionate. His kiss was a needy fire which fed her own; making her match it, revel in it.
He pulled away and she cried out in loss, but he gripped the edge of her shirt and in one swift motion dragged it over her head. He tossed it to one side, his gaze searing her bare breasts. Insecurity shot through her, and she automatically lifted her arms to cover herself.
“Oh my god, Lily. I shouldn’t have, I’m sorry.” He jumped from the bed and grabbed his t-shirt. “I’ll go. I’m sorry. I never meant to...oh, fuck me, I’m such a fucking moron.” His movements were jerky as he tried to get the shirt over his head.
“Don’t go!” Lily pulled the shirt from him and dropped it onto the bed. “I’m sorry, I guess I was just a bit...No one has seen me naked before.”
He groaned and tried to push up glasses that weren’t there, poking himself in the eye. “Ow! Ow!” He covered his eye, bending over in obvious pain.
“Oh my god, are you all right?” She shot from the bed, her hands flitting around his shoulders. “Let me see.”
“Lily? Are you okay?”
She froze at her mum’s voice and then scrambled into action. She threw the t-shirt on as she jumped off the bed. “I’m okay, Mum. Just dropped something.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, sorry.” She heard the bathroom door open and shut. She waited by her door until she heard it open again, and she peeped out.
“Try and get some sleep.” Her mother shuffled her way back to her room and shut the door behind her.
Lily closed her door and rested her forehead on it, her heart hammering. She locked the door, something she never did, and turned to Nate.
He sat on the bed, bare chested still. One eye looked red and watery as he stared at his hands.
“Are you okay?” she whispered, not moving from the door.
He looked at her, groaned, and fell backwards onto the bed, his hands covering his face.
“Do you need Matt?”
“No. I need a cold shower. You look sexy as hell in just my t-shirt.”
Her mouth fell open as it dawned on her she’d put his shirt on in panic and not her own longer shirt. It just reached the top of her thighs, giving him a full view. She took a pair of panties from her drawer and put them on, aware he’d turned his head to watch her every move. Her cheeks burned, and her stomach contracted at the thought of him watching. Standing up straight, she tugged the t-shirt down and he caught her gaze.
“Are you okay?” he whispered.
“Yeah, you?”
“Better than okay.”
Climbing onto the bed with him, she sat back on her heels. He leant on his elbow and traced a pattern on her knee.
“That was close,” she whispered.
“What would she say?”
“I’m not sure. She knows it’s in the cards,” she hesitated. “Just not with you.”
“She’d expect it to be Matt she found in here.” He drew an infinity sign on her knee with his fingertip.
“Yeah. She told me to make him wear a condom.”
His eyebrow arched over his sore looking eye. “She said that?”
“Yeah, she’s always been open with me. There wasn’t anything she didn’t talk—” There had been something she hadn’t talked about.
He stroked her leg and sat up to face her. “I’m sorry. I dragged your shirt off like some sort of pervert. I never meant to scare you.”
“You didn’t scare me. I wasn’t scared. I was just surprised, and I wasn’t ready for how it made me feel. I didn’t want you to stop, though.”
“I thought I’d gone one step too far, just ripping it off you.”
“No.” She shook her head. “Now I know what to expect I won’t frighten the hell out of you when, I mean, if, we do this again.”
Squeezing her hands, he stole a quick kiss. “C’mon, you’re gonna fall asleep tomorrow if I don’t let you sleep now.” He let go of her hands and picked up his jumper.
“Do you want your shirt?” she asked as he dragged it over his head.
“I like seeing you in my stuff.” His muffled voice came from inside the material. “Although”—his head popped free and he tugged it down—“if it means I get another look at you, then, hell yeah, I want it back.” He wagged his eyebrows.
Biting her lip, she took hold of the hem. Things were going to progress with him, with all of them. She hadn’t even considered it with any other boy, never been ready to show her body, let alone let someone touch it. But with her boys? With Nate? It was terrifying and overwhelming and exciting all at the same time. Was she ready? Was she ready for where this could possibly end? There was one way to find out. Taking a deep breath, she began lifting her t-shirt.
“Lily, you don’t have to do anything,” he whispered, cupping her cheeks with his hands. “This goes at your pace. You decide when you’re comfortable.
“This is a relationship, isn’t it? You and me? We’re going steady, boyfriend, girlfriend, committed, whatever label you want to put on it. Yes?”
He nodded, a frown between his eyes.
“Then it moves at our pace, Nate. You have as much say so in this as I do.”
“Sweetheart, baby. I’m male, we’re born ready.”
“I doubt that.” She chuckled, and he rolled his eyes at her, smiling.
“Okay, maybe not born ready, but certainly since hitting puberty. I want to have sex with you. I have since the moment you stood up to me in the canteen in college.”
“You couldn’t stand me,” she reminded him.
“I was suspicious of you,” he corrected her. “But it didn’t stop me from lusting after you.” He kissed her. “Yeah, this is a relationship, and physically I’m already there, but you’re not, are you?”
It was a rhetorical question, and she knew it. She also knew he was right; deep in her heart she knew it was too soon. She loved him, yes, but waiting until she didn’t question herself was the answer. If she was questioning it, she wasn’t ready.
“Besides, I don’t want our first time to be like this. Rushed, or worried Lynda is going to walk in on us. I don’t want to be quiet with you. I don’t want you to be quiet. I want to hear you, I want to try and make you lose it, so you aren’t even thinking, let alone keeping one eye on the bedroom door.”
“Nate, that’s...” She swallowed, he cared for her, she had no doubt.
“It’s the truth, baby,” he whispered. “I’m not adverse to some heavy petting, a bit of making out. But you’re not ready to take it further.”
“I do want you, Nate, but not yet and not here like this.”
“I know, babe.” He grinned at her and moved back, pulling her covers down. “This got hot and heavy quick, but it was an important conversation.” Standing up, he indicated for her to get into bed. “C’mon, lie down.”
She scooted up the bed and lay down, making room for him to lie beside her. She turned onto her side and he spooned her from behind, wrapping her in his arms.
“Go to sleep, sweetheart,” he whispered into her hair.
