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Matt rolled onto his back and slammed his fists into the bed covers.
He’d fucked up royally.
He’d fucked up before, they all had, but this was the first time he didn’t think he could make it right with his cousins. And Lily, he’d screwed up with Lily. He’d cold shouldered her, treated her like she was some whore.
He groaned and covered his face with his hands.
He’d reacted instantly when he’d seen Lily wearing Nate’s distinctive—Do or do not, there is no try—t-shirt, complete with Yoda’s knowing face. Anger had slammed into him; he’d treated her badly, and ripped Nate a new one. He accused him of pushing her into sex, that she’d been vulnerable, and he’d used it against her.
Nate’s temper had snapped, and he’d fought back until they were all out scrapping on the floor. It’d taken both Josh and Jake to get them apart. He’d stormed off, frightening Aunt May when he’d shot past her and slammed the front door behind him. It took a few hours of stomping around his room before it sunk in that Nate would never push her like that. That his self-righteous anger was jealousy because he loved her.
He loved Lily.
He dropped his hands to the covers and sighed heavily. He loved her. He knew it was love, not just a strong attraction or like. She owned him, heart and soul. He was hers now. He’d never reacted this strongly with Connie, just been pissed she’d used him. He’d never thought of Connie as his. But Lily? Lily was his.
Except she wasn’t just his. She was Nate’s, and the twins’, and her own. Truthfully, she didn’t belong to any of them, he didn’t own her, none of them did. She wasn’t their possession. She was an intelligent, stubborn, gorgeous girl and he loved her.
Except she’d never said she loved him. And, as far as he knew, she hadn’t said it to any of them. Maybe for her it would never go that far.
They’d all gone into this with their eyes open. They’d all agreed to date her. But words and actions were two different things and jealousy was hot and hard to swallow.
He needed to apologise to them all, but especially Nate and Lily. He needed to go on bended knee and beg for forgiveness. He’d work on his jealousy, stamp on the huge, green monster that wanted to keep her all to himself. He might even get lucky. She could fall in love with him, but only want to stay friends with the others.
He snorted and rolled to his feet. It would never be him she chose.
—***—
MATT KICKED THE STONE and heard it land somewhere in the woods to his left. He kept his hands stuffed into his pockets and his head down as he walked towards Nate’s. For the first time in his life, he didn’t want to face his cousin.
Nate’s outraged face and Lily’s devastated one wouldn’t leave his mind. He stopped and let his head fall back as he stared up at the trees. “Stupid, stupid, fuckwit!”
“One of the squirrels shit on you? Can’t say I blame them.”
“Nate.” He took a step. “Nate, I am such a fucking idiot. I am so sorry. So fucking sorry.”
Nate stopped still a few feet away from him. His face was blank as he pushed his glasses up his nose, but he didn’t say anything.
Matt wanted to curl up and die, but he owed Nate at least this. “I was an ass, a jealous bastard. I wanted to see her in my shirt, not yours, and I took it out on both of you. I’m sorry.”
“I would never rape her, Matt.”
Rape? What the hell?
“I know you wouldn’t! Why—” Confusion snapped to horror, and he closed his eyes. Accusing Nate of pushing Lily to have sex with him, was accusing him of raping her. Nate wouldn’t forgive that, he’d never forgive himself.
“Oi! Asshole,” Nate snapped.
He opened his eyes and was shocked to see Nate smirking at him. It wasn’t the response he was expecting. He opened his mouth, but Nate sped towards him, and he was pulled into a back-slapping hug that he didn’t deserve.
“I am so sorry, Nate. I know you’d never—” The words stuck in his throat, his forehead on Nate’s shoulder.
“You hurt me, you prick,” Nate said. “But I saw the moment your tiny brain realised what you’d implied. You were jealous, nothing more.”
“It’s unforgivable.”
“Don’t be a moron.” Nate snorted. “There isn’t an unforgivable between us, you know that. Unless we’re talking about when you stole my Arsenal Top Trump cards.”
“I thought you were throwing them out.” Was Nate really going to forgive him that easily?
“Yeah, yeah, didn’t believe you then, don’t believe you now.” Nate stepped back and smirked at him. “We’d better stop hugging. If my dad sees us, he’ll be sending out invites.”
“What?” Relief made him look at Nate with a stupid goofy grin on his face, but he didn’t care, for some reason Nate really had forgiven him.
“He thought you were gay and had a crush on me. But it’s okay, I told him I don’t like you like that.”
“What? I’m not gay. Didn’t you tell him?”
“Dunno, can’t remember.” Nate sent him a wicked smirk and began walking towards his place.
“Did you tell him I was gay?” Matt caught up with him, and they walked side by side.
“No, he came to that conclusion on his own. Why does it matter? Didn’t know you were a homophobe, Matt. That’s not cool.”
“I’m not a homophobe! Nate, you’re screwing with me, aren’t you?”
“Well, that was what worried Dad, but—Ow!” Nate rubbed the ear Matt had flicked with his nail, but he grinned at him. “Nah, he knows you’re not gay. I told him it was about a girl.”
“Lily.” Matt’s shoulders slumped. “I need to grovel there, and to the twins.”
“The twins will be fine, they’re more laid back than my dad,” Nate said.
“And Lily?”
Nate stayed quiet, and it was answer enough for Matt to groan.
“I’ve fucked this up for all of us. I’ve just single-handedly proved to her that sharing is an issue.”
“Is it?” Nate stopped at the edge of the village green and touched his arm. “Is it an issue, Matt? What if we did have sex? What if we have sex next week and you find out?”
Matt took a deep breath and let it go. “I’m going to be jealous,” he admitted. “I love her, Nate. But I love you too. I want this to work.” He snorted, shaking his head. “She hasn’t told me she loves me.” He closed his eyes.
“She hasn’t told me either.” Nate’s voice was a whisper, and it brought Matt’s eyes open.
“She might never love us.” Matt’s heart clenched. “But I need her, and I need you too.”
“I need you too, Matt. I need you, the twins, and I also need her. She needs us too, I think. It won’t just be you that gets jealous. We’ll need to talk about it, talk to Lily too.”
“She may not want the hassle.” It was his worst fear. “So much is going on. Maybe this, us, is one thing too many.”
Nate didn’t answer. He didn’t need to, Matt knew he was just as worried about her response. If he could only take back today. If he had thought before acting, but he didn’t, and all he could do was hope it wasn’t too late with Lily.
He followed Nate through the front door and heard his aunt and uncle talking in the kitchen. He stopped in the door, and they looked at him.
“I’m sorry about earlier,” he said.
“No worries,” Uncle Adam responded as he leant back against the counter where Aunt May was rolling out pastry. “Besides, look on the bright side, Matt, at least you won’t need to worry about one of you getting pregnant.”
“Adam!”
Matt fled up to Nate’s bedroom, his Uncle’s barking laugh echoing in his ears.
“How the hell am I going to look him in the face again?” He collapsed onto the bed.
“He’ll forget it. At least we won’t need to worry about how they’ll react.”
“You mean amongst all the other stuff we have to worry about?” Matt turned onto his side.
Nate lay next to him. “What will we do if Jonas—”
“Don’t.” Matt cut him off. “We’ll deal with it when we get to it. Not before.”
“Yeah. I just wanted one day where we could relax without any hassle.”
“And I fucked that up royally.” Matt groaned into the pillow.
“Yeah, well, don’t worry, it’ll be me jealous of you soon enough, I guess.”
“You won’t make an almighty mess like I did though.”
“Nah, I’ll just set you on fire.”
Matt laughed, and they fist bumped. “It’s—” The sound of motorbikes made his throat close.
“They’re back.” Nate got up and crossed to the door.
He didn’t want to go out there, he had to do it, but he wasn’t sure ‘I’m sorry’ was going to be enough.
“Nate.”
Nate looked back over his shoulder at him.
“I fucked up, bro, I didn’t think you’d—” He swallowed.
“I know. Whatever happens, I’ve got your back, Matt. I always will.”
—***—
MATT HUNG BACK AS THE twins wheeled their bikes back into the garage. Guilt fought with fear over her reaction to him. She might decide she couldn’t be with him but stay with the twins and Nate. Anxiety rippled through him, followed by annoyance. He’d never felt like this before, and he didn’t like it. She held a power over him she wasn’t even aware of. Being in love sucked.
Nate kissed her before moving his mouth to her ear. A tiny frown crept between her eyes, and her gaze flicked to him. The frown grew and a strong urge to turn and run made Matt take a step back. He didn’t want to hear her rejection, her disappointment with him. When had he turned into such a coward?
Josh stepped in behind him and laid a hand on his shoulder. “You okay?” he asked quietly.
“Yeah, no. I don’t know. I’m sorry. For this morning.”
“No worries, bro, but Lily is scared you won’t want her anymore. And she’s not sure this sharing is going to work.”
“Shit.” Matt slumped, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“But there’s something else as well,” Josh added.
Matt looked at Lily walking towards him with Nate and Jake. She caught his gaze but looked away quickly, and his stomach dropped into his boots.
“What happened?” Nate asked her the moment they were within hearing range of him.
She took a deep breath. “I was tired and, well, I fell asleep.”
She still didn’t look at Matt, but she wasn’t looking at any of them. She was frowning at her clasped hands, her hair hiding her eyes. He needed to know what Nate had whispered to her. He didn’t think for one-minute he’d sold him up the river, but she’d made no reaction other than frowning. How could he expect her to forgive him? He’d acted as if she was a whore, and Nate a rapist, how could she forgive that?
“Matt!” Josh shoved his shoulder, and he jerked.
“What?”
“What do you think?” Josh asked.
What did he think about what? What had he missed? He looked over at Lily, but she was talking to Nate, her voice low and hushed, her hands dancing with whatever she was saying.
Josh shoved his shoulder again and moved to stand in front of him. “Get your head out of your arse.”
Jake joined his twin, frowning at him. “C’mon, Matt, get it together. Lily needs us.”
“No. She doesn’t need me.” The words were out before he could think. He heard a hitched breath and a flash of brown hair whipped past him.
“Well—fucking—done,” Nate snapped. “You really screwed up this time. Go after her, Matt.”
“She doesn’t—”
“She does!” They were all in his face, glaring at him.
“But—”
“Don’t fuck this up again!” Nate got right into his face. “She thinks you don’t want her. She thinks you hate her because of this morning. I tried to tell her it was okay, but she needs to hear it from you. She doesn’t think this is going to work, Matt. You have to convince her.”
“And when you’ve grovelled and begged enough, bring her back to ours, we need to discuss what happened,” Josh added.
“What happened?” Fear sliced through him. “Is she hurt?”
“No, she’s not hurt. Didn’t you hear anything?” Nate snapped and rolled his eyes. “Go! Fix it! And bring her back, asshole.”
Matt turned and sprinted down the road to catch up with her. It seemed all he could do these days was make an arse of himself over her. She’d turned him upside down, inside out, and there wasn’t much he wouldn’t do to make things right. If he didn’t manage to fuck it up again, that is.
He rounded the corner of her road to see her front door slam. He ran up the street, vaulted the gate, and skidded to a stop outside the door. He knocked, praying she’d open the door.
“Who is it?” Lynda called through the closed door.
“It’s me, Matt, Mrs A.” He put both hands on the door frames and rested his forehead against the wood. “I need to speak to Lily, please.”
“Wait a moment.”
“I’ll wait. I’ll wait for her, Mrs A. Please, tell her I’ll wait for her.”
He’d wait, and if she didn’t want to see him, he’d wait here until she came out. She couldn’t stay in there forever.
