“Daros is missing,” the guard says, voice cracking.
My sitting room seems to shrink in on me, shattering the pleasant morning. My throat locks up. My chest squeezes in on itself. “What do you mean, missing?”
When the guard doesn’t speak right away, Nash says, “Tell us everything you know this instant.”
The man glances at Nash and then at the floor. “He's gone from the dungeons. No one knows how.”
My hands quiver. I slip one inside the other, to hide the trembling. This can't be happening. It can't. Despite my fear, I want to howl. To rage. How dare he escape? Why is he always above the law? Why does he get to escape punishment? “Have you put out a search for him?”
“Several people are looking for him, but we have not done an official search.” The coward is backing away from me.
I jump to my feet, gritting my teeth. “Get on it. Now. And send me Jaku.” He will answer for this.
“Yes, Your Majesty.” The man bows and swiftly leaves the room.
Nash is at my side, reaching for me, but stops himself. “Are you all right?”
I don't answer. Can't. My eyes burn. I can't breathe. I’m showing too much weakness in front of him, but I can’t stop it. I face the window, both to blink away the tears and to see if any threat is coming. Since I was attacked this way before, there are guards posted at it. It doesn't mean Daros won’t find a sneakier approach. It would be like him to do so.
Why am I reacting this way? I can beat him. I did it before; I can do it again. Except he knows now that I won’t kill him. It will give him more of a fighting chance. Not that he’s heard of my vow not to kill, but I didn’t do it when I could have. I didn’t order his death, just his imprisonment.
All those times he tortured me and taught me I was worth less than nothing come back to me. If he manages to get a hold of me again… I clench my jaw. My whole body.
Nash's heat reaches me as he moves closer, although we’re still not touching. “Ryn?”
The simple act of him saying my name stops the world from spinning. It doesn't stop the fear from clamping around my heart.
A moment later, there's a knock. Nash answers it. “Jaku, Head of the Guard, Your Highness.”
I whip around. Jaku’s normally tanned skin is pale. He's got ample muscles, despite being thick, but is it enough for him to go against Daros? I’m at least trained by Daros so I know him better. What do any of these men know about fighting him?
“What do you have to say for the loss of the prisoner?” I ask.
Jaku bows down on one knee. “Forgive me, Your Majesty. Place all the blame on me. It would appear he escaped sometime during the night. His loss was noticed when the watch changed earlier this morning and the guard who was supposed to be on duty was missing.”
Somehow, I keep my legs strong. If only I could manage the rest of me to be so… I need to be so. I am so.
I take a steadying breath. This won’t overcome me. I won’t allow it. “Bring the guard who discovered them both missing to me.”
“Yes, my lady.” He stands and hurries from the room. I can't bring myself to look at his face—to see this reaction. I'm falling apart enough as it is without seeing him upset too.
I pick a chair in the corner of the room and plop down in it. It would be nice to grab a dagger as well, but I don't want Nash to see the terror clawing its way through me, making me into little bits of nothing, or the fury boiling in my chest. The two feelings are so strong and intertwined that they make me want to collapse.
“Ryn, tell me what you're thinking.” Nash doesn't move. It's like he knows I can't handle myself, let alone him.
Daros.
He's coming.
The world tilts. I squish my eyelids closed. My chest feels as if it's collapsing in on itself. What will he do to me when he finds me? How will he punish me for not obeying him?
How much torture will I have to endure before death is a blissful release? Because I won’t kill for him again. I won’t give into his demands. I pull my anger out—use it to snuff my fear. It burns, searing through me.
Something brushes against my hand. I snatch it and twist.
“It's me.” Nash's voice carries only a hint of worry. Of pain.
I drop his hand, still not looking at him. Not saying anything, though guilt plagues me. My throat is too clogged. I want to growl with a frenzy that’s never captured me so heavily before.
“Ryn, you're scaring me.” He doesn't sound scared. His voice is calm. Controlled. Smooth.
Everything I’m not.
Another knock sounds. A hiss of air escapes me. I sit up straight, staring mindlessly at nothing and pretending I have everything under control. No fear. No rage. Simply a queen doing her job.
When the door doesn't open, I say, “Answer it.”
Nash does so. He says, “Your Majesty, it’s Jaku Hanka Head of the Guard with Piru Nelta, the guard.”
They both bow as they enter.
“What news do you have?” My words are disciplined.
They stay low. Jaku says to the floor, “Piru was on duty this morning and discovered the missing prisoner and guard.”
“Rise. Tell me, Piru, what happened?”
“It’s as Jaku said. I was on duty and went down to the dungeon. I was early so my partner wasn’t there yet, and I didn’t expect the other guards to be waiting for me. I thought he might have had troubles with one of the prisoners or something like that, so I searched the dungeon only to find the cell which held Daros to be empty. Neither of them were anywhere to be found, which is when I called attention to the problem.”
And by that time, it was too late.
Nash says, “Do you think the guard with Daros acted on his own, or was he coerced?”
“Difficult to say,” Jaku replies.
“What are we going to do so this doesn't happen again?” Nash asks.
“I'll do everything in my power to vet the guards more thoroughly,” Jaku says. “To make sure there are more people on duty in the dungeon at a time. We thought there were enough, but there must be a secret tunnel Daros and the guard, Bolfa, were able to get through.”
“And in the meantime, we have a prisoner and rogue guard on the loose?” I ask.
“I've sent men out to scout for them. We'll find them.” Jaku shifts the tiniest bit.
“Send more. The best you have. And tell them he’s extremely dangerous.”
“I will, but may I advise you to leave the best guarding you here?”
Will it make a difference? If Daros wants me tortured, he'll have me. I shake away that thought. Let him come.
When I don't answer, Nash adds, “Please, Your Majesty.”
“Fine. Send half, but I want results before this day is over.”
“Yes, Your Highness,” Jaku says. “I'll get right on that.”
“Keep me updated.” I wave him off.
They slip from the room. Nash is in front of me, kneeling on the ground and staring up at me with his hazel eyes with specks of blue. “Please talk to me. Let me help you.”
Daros could make me do terrible things. A worse thought enters my mind—what if he harms those around me?
My stomach roils. I jump to my feet, and Nash scrambles out of the way. I run to my bedroom and throw up in my wash basin.
Terror sluices through me. I dry heave.
I focus on breathing, like Daros taught me to do, to control myself. Three short breaths. It had to come from him. Everything comes from him. Nothing can happen in my life without him somehow being involved. The only thing he never expected was for me to become queen. When I did, he was certain he could control me. That I would give way under his threats to tell everyone I killed the last queen.
I had him arrested instead, three weeks ago, and I thought that'd be the end of it. I thought he'd rot in prison.
I should have known better.
When my stomach decides it's had enough, I lean back. Nash puts a glass of water in front of me. I swish the water through my mouth and spit it out.
“What’s going through your mind?” he asks. “How can I help? Please… I'll do anything you need. You haven't told me much about Daros, but I know he was bad. There's more in the past than either you or he have said. But I care about you. I don't want this to eat you up inside. Let me assist in any way I can.”
No one can. Daros is my burden alone, and no one else should have to deal with him.
I’m the queen now. Despite that, I’m more alone than I ever was before. I have to figure out a way around this, but I don’t know how.
I put my back against the wall and look out my window. Nash reaches for my hand and skin brushes against skin. He's warm. Soothing. Feels oh so good, and after all this time of having no one, I feel like I’ve earned it. Like I deserve a little happiness. But there’s one problem.
“Don't,” I lash out. “You know we can't touch. That the law forbids it.” The unbreakable law I can do nothing about.
He snakes his hand back, like I stabbed it with my poisoned dagger. “Sorry. I wanted to comfort you.”
I ache for it, yet I know there's no reassurance when Daros is after me. Nor is there sweetness with a law that forbids it. “Leave.”
“I'm sorry?”
“Leave now,” I yell.
His arms fall slack at his sides. He takes a step back. And then another. Not fast enough. I want to push him away. Save him from being associated with my Daros-tainted self. But it's too late. He's my Head Advisor. Daros knows he’s connected to me. I can only keep distance between us and hope that’s enough.
I can't let Daros figure out how much Nash does mean to me. “Go.”
He stares at me a moment, eyes wide, and then rushes from the bedroom. A moment later, the door to my sitting room slams closed.
What have I done?