After they’re gone, Nash returns to his seat. His presence is near enough to make me want more.
Shoving away my need for him, I ask, “What do you think?”
His response is slow in coming as he stares at his hands. “It’s difficult to say. Do you have that mole?”
It would be so much easier if I didn’t. “I do.”
“They certainly know specific details about you, then. They may be telling the truth.” He looks at me. “How do you feel about them possibly being your parents?”
My first reaction is to redirect the conversation away from my feelings. But this is Nash. I’m trying to do better at communicating with him. “I don’t know. Mixed. Torn. I want a family so bad, but to think they gave me to Daros…” I shudder.
“It’s unfathomable.”
More than that—it’s revolting. But I also know I didn’t flash into existence. “This has me thinking… If they’re not my parents, someone had to be. Someone gave me to Daros. Unless they died. But then, how did Daros find me?”
He shakes his head. “I wish I had answers for you.” He takes my hand.
I ease back into my chair as his warmth travels up my arm. “We don’t do this enough.” My words are soft.
“I know.”
I keep my voice low. “But it’s dangerous.” I keep quiet and pull my hand away.
“I know that too.”
My eyes burn. I turn away. “Would you please send for Jem and Wilric?”
“Anything you wish.”
He leaves to do so, but when he returns, we fall into an awkward silence. His words are sweet, but we both know they can never be. What I wish is for us to be together. I want to say something. More than that, I want to go to him—to comfort him and myself—but others are coming, and to be caught would mean his death.
His hand shakes as he runs it through his hair.
“What are you thinking?” I still whisper.
“Oh. Sorry. Nothing.” He clasps his hands together in his lap.
“Are you sure it’s nothing? You can talk to me.” I hold myself back, hoping he does.
He looks down, and his words come out slow. Stuttered. “I—I was thinking back to… when I was being tortured.”
When he says nothing more, I ask, “Do you want to talk about it?”
He takes a second. “I get nightmares.”
“I used to as well.”
“What stopped them?”
How do I answer? Do I tell him about the First Queen? Will he think I’m crazy? I trust him more than anyone else. There’s a thought heavy on my mind that makes me not want to speak of her. But Nash is telling me things. Letting me in. I promised to do the same for him after he first came back to me. I open my mouth to speak when there’s a knock.
Nash closes his eyes as if in pain before getting up to answer. He glances back at me, expression clear of any of the torment he must be feeling. I nod, and he opens the door. Wilric and Jem enter the room.
“You called for us?” Wilric asks.
“Yes. I have a problem that needs delicate and thorough attention.” I clear my throat. “If you didn’t know, a couple claiming to be… my mother and father came forward.”
Jem gives Wilric a sidelong glance before saying, “I heard rumors.”
“I did, too,” he says.
“They barely left. The servants put them up in one of the rooms with a set of guards. I’m tasking you both to find out if they are or not whom they say. Feel free to ask them or anyone else anything. It’s imperative that I know if they are telling the truth, and if they are, whether I can trust them.” I’d rather send Nash, but he doesn’t seem to be in a good enough state of mind for such a task. Besides, I like him close. If I had it my way, he’d always be within sight, so I’d know no one had captured him again.
“You can count on us,” Wilric says.
“I’ll do whatever I can to help,” Jem adds.
“That will be all, Wilric.”
He gives a nod and leaves us.
“I wanted to speak with you about another matter, Jem. I highly value your view point and the help that you’ve given me these past several weeks, but I believe it’s time that Nash regained his position as Head Advisor.” It should be good for him. Give him something to focus his efforts on. And his opinion was always valuable. It will be good for the country, too.
Her expression reveals nothing of her feelings. “I was honored to serve you in that capacity as long as I have.”
It wasn’t much time, but I learned a lot about her. “I truly appreciate the job you did.”
“Thank you, Your Majesty.” She gives a curtsy.
“And you can continue on as a lady-in-waiting.”
“I look forward to it.” Her expression remains impassive.
It’s just as well. As much as I want to know what she’s thinking, it’s better to be guarded from the world.
She give her goodbyes and is out the door.
Nash turns to me. “You didn’t have to do that.”
“Are you ready for it?”
“I am, but still, you didn’t have to replace Jem. She’s doing a great job.”
“She is, but I want you back in that capacity, if that’s all right.”
“Very well, then.” His expression changes. Softens. He reaches for a lock of my hair. “It’s getting long.”
“Yours is, too.”
“Yes, but yours is growing fast.”
“Maybe I should cut it.”
“If you want.” He runs his fingers through it.
I want to close my eyes and lean into him, but thoughts of Daros stop me. He always had me keep my hair short. Said it’d get in the way of fighting if I had it long. If I needed long hair to attract male attention for a job he made me wear a wig. It was a bigger hassle.
I should cut it. But I like it long. Nash is correct; it has grown faster than ever. It’s almost to my shoulders. Usually I keep it up, so it’s not noticeable, but today Inkga left it down.
I finally give in and lean into Nash’s hand. It feels so good to let him caress me, even if we have to be cautious about it. After a minute, I pull away. “Would you make certain my council meeting is still on for today?”
“Of course.” And just like that, he shuts off again, face closing up.
I shouldn’t have pulled away. Should have stayed longer. But I always worry about being caught. About risking his life.
About wanting things I can never have.