I wake from a dreamless sleep with only hints of the First Queen and hurry to get ready. Inkga helps, and we chat about her latest designs as she does my hair. After I’m done with breakfast, I dismiss her and think about my day.
My first priority is my country, then comes Nash, and then my parents. Since I have no meetings with the council or ladies-in-waiting until later, I can speak with Nash first. I send a servant for him and watch a couple of birds out my window.
While I wait, Jaku comes in.
“Any news of findings at the Red Lady Inn?” I ask.
“A few people spotted someone similar to who that young man described, but they don’t know where he went after that. I’m not convinced it was Daros, but if it was, the trail went cold.”
How are we ever going to find him? “Thank you for looking into this matter.”
“We’ll keep at it until we find him. I can promise you that.”
I want the words to buoy me, but if Daros doesn’t want to be found, he won’t. Nothing will stop him from that.
Jaku excuses himself, and I focus back on Nash. He’s a much more pleasant subject than Daros. What is it that has me so nervous? Is it because I have to summon him? I hope they don’t find him having a nightmare again. It can’t have been easy for him to be seen in such a state of vulnerability. Not that I think him vulnerable, but if I was in his position, that’s what would be going through my head.
A good half-hour later, he arrives to my sitting room.
“You wanted to see me?” He voice is oddly formal.
“Please, sit.” I take a seat to encourage him to do the same.
He doesn’t sit as close as I’d like, but he’s not far, either.
“I had a visit from your mother yesterday.” I wanted to speak to him earlier, but there wasn't time with all I had to do. This is the first chance I had to speak with him.
He drops his gaze. “What did she need?”
“She’s worried about you.” When he doesn’t respond, I fall to my knees in front of him so I can look into his lowered eyes. I grasp his fisted in his lap. “I’m worried about you.”
He pulls away, stands, and moves to the window with his back to me. “There’s no reason for concern.”
I want to go to him. To wrap my arms around him. But he refused me once. I won’t be put off again. “You’re so different than before you were taken. It’s to be expected that you’d have a hard time with things, but not that you’d push me or your family away. We want to help.”
He whips around, his eyes a blaze of a tormented soul. “No one can help.”
I struggle to keep my anger and sorrow down. “Don’t you think I know what you’re going through?”
“You do. Of course, you do.” He runs a hand through his short hair. “I want to face this alone. Want to fix it myself.”
“How is shutting out everyone around you going to fix it? Allow us to help.”
He scoffs. “You’re one to talk. You don’t let anyone in.”
“I let you in.”
“No. You gave me a glimpse of what’s inside of you—nothing more.”
The words sting with truth. “I’m trying.”
“And so am I.”
I take a step closer. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.”
“Maybe you should anyway.”
“No.”
“I thought we agreed a question asked for a question answered. That we would help each other along.” I don’t know what else to say at this point. If this doesn’t work, I’m out of ideas.
He’s quiet and turns away from me. “I have no questions for you.”
“Well, make something up. I want answers from you. How are you sleeping?”
He whips around. “Look—I don’t want to talk about it, all right?”
I try to ignore the bite. “We could spar, then. We haven’t done that since you got back.”
“What? So you can beat me? I think not.” His words are bitter. Too bitter for him.
I clear my expression. “Then you can at least visit your family and do your job as my Head Advisor.”
His face softens. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I’m not hurt.” Much.
“You’ve closed yourself off. Of course, I hurt you.” When I don’t say anything, he continues. “I’m sorry I don’t want to fight you. I’m not ready for it yet.”
My heart melts a little. How much pain is he going through? It makes sense he doesn’t want me to beat him. He doesn’t want to feel helpless again. Useless. At least, that’s what I guess. Maybe he has some other, unfathomable reason. “It’s all right, but you should visit your family. They’re worried.”
“I know I should. But that I’m not ready to see them.”
“Do you mind telling me why not?” I brace myself for rejection.
He sighs. “I don’t want them to see how weak I am.”
Oh, Nash. “You’re anything but weak.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“All right, if that’s what you want.”
“It is.”
What do I say, then? I take a seat, and he follows suit. I say, “What do you think about the laws I changed?”
“You did good. They needed to be made less harsh. You found a way to do so but still get what the government required.”
His words warm me. He approves. I didn’t even have to go to him for advice. I came up with it all by myself, but still I did a good job. “I feel like it’s not enough. That I want to do more for my country. I just don’t know what that is yet.”
“You’ll figure it out.”
“With your help, perhaps.”
He doesn’t respond.
The silence is awkward. Uncomfortable.
There’s a knock at the door. I’ve never been so grateful for an interruption when I’m with Nash.
He answers it, and a servant enters and bows.
“Your parents request an audience,” the servant says to me.
I glance at the clock. Duties call. I’ve spent more time with Nash than I should have. “They’ll have to wait. See if Kada can arrange a meeting time for them that won’t clash with my schedule.”
“Yes, Your Majesty.”
The servant leaves, and Nash says, “I understand your ladies-in-waiting will be here soon.”
Drat them. I’d rather spend more time with Nash. “It is their time. Yes.”
“I’d better get going then.” He moves to leave.
I stop him by grabbing his hand, the touch tingling my skin. “Nash.”
He doesn’t turn. “Yes?”
“Please visit your mother. I can give you the afternoon off for it, if you’d like.”
“I’ll see her on my day off.” His answer is soft and will have to be enough.
“Thank you.”
He gives my hand a squeeze, lets go, and is gone.
It’s the squeeze that gives me hope things are going to be all right. But it’s a small hope.