“Nash?” The word comes out more uncertain than I mean it to.
He meets my gaze before he quickly drops his—and Nurf, who falls to the floor with an oompf.
“Eldim, see to it that Nurf is returned to the dungeon and taken to a healer. Everyone else, leave us.” I don’t know how I’m going to deal with this, but I have to. Somehow.
If Nash did what I think, if he really beat this man, I have to make sure it won’t happen again. If I do have feelings for Nash. I can’t let my love for Nash get in the way of doing what’s right.
No one moves.
“Get to it now.” My voice is stern.
“Your Majesty, we can’t leave you when…” Eldim doesn’t continue, but I know he means when Nash has just beaten a man. He should know Nash would never hurt me, though.
“I’ll be fine. Leave,” I say.
Slowly, everyone moves out. I keep an eye on Nash the entire time, though he won’t look at me. I give it a minute once the door is closed, and then I use my softest voice. “Nash, what happened?”
He looks at his fist. “I—I didn’t mean to. It just happened.”
“You can’t hurt people like that, even if they are bad.”
His response is so low, I almost miss it. “I know.”
“Is this because of your torture?” I don’t want to ask, but I have to.
His shoulders crumple in on themselves as he makes a sound so anguished I want to rush to him. To comfort him. To tell him we all make mistakes.
But I can’t.
I’ll have him do the next best thing. “Come here.”
He closes his eyes, the muscles in his jaw working.
“Nash? Would you come here, please?”
“Leave me alone.” He rushes from the room, shoving the door open and sending it slam against the wall with a bang, and then there’s nothing I can do to help.
I’m left in silence, trying to decide what to do. The weight on me is so heavy; my shoulders want to slouch. Maybe that’s why I can’t move—not Daros’s poison, but having so much going on.
As much as I want to go after Nash—as much as I love him—I have to do what’s best for my country. I can love him, but it will have to be from far away. That was a hard lesson learned. It also means I can’t have him running loose around the palace; I need him to heal. To come to terms with what he went through. He’ll never be the same again, but dealing with his anger this way only makes things worse.
“Ryn?” Inkga’s voice is small, coming from behind me.
“Sorry. Please take me back to my sitting room and send someone for Jaku. I need to speak with him.”
“Of course.” She sounds a little more certain, as if direction is all she needed.
I wish someone would give that to me. I don’t know what to do or how to fix this. I want to call everyone in and tell them not to speak of what happened, but it’s futile. At least Nash was only my guard and not my Head Advisor when this happened.
As Inkga pushes my chair down the hall, with my guards sticking close, I wish there was something all these people could do to heal me inside. To heal Nash. My heart hurts, but there’s no time to dwell on it. I have to fix the situation with Nash, the Kurah, and the First Queen, and decide what would be best for my country.
Once we’re in my sitting room, and it’s me, Julina, Eldim, and Inkga, I let myself sigh, releasing some of my pent-up emotions. It would be easier to let the First Queen take over. Easier, but not right.
Jaku storms in without his sling on. “I heard what happened. Are you all right?”
“I’m fine. Nash didn’t hurt me. He would never.” I force my words to be confident, even if I’m broken, emotionally.
“Before, he would never have hurt a man without it being in defense.”
True, but— “He was doing it because the man tried to kill me. I don’t think we need to worry about what’s going to happen to me when Nash is around. But that’s something I’d like to speak to you about.” I take a deep, grounding breath. “I want Nash relieved from the guard and sent home. I’d also like it if you would find someone who can talk to him about what he’s been through. Someone who can help him.”
My eyes burn, and my throat is tight. I love this man so much. I can’t imagine what he must be feeling—the shame and embarrassment and anger. He must feel so alone, which I can relate to, but clearly he doesn’t want to talk to me.
“I know who,” Jaku says. “I’ll get to it as soon as I leave here.”
“Thank you. It means more than words can say.”
He glances at my escorts and presses his lips together. I won’t push him on it, but there is one thing I want to know. “Who do you have in mind?”
“Me.”
Him? I didn't expect that.
“Don’t look so surprised. I’m the Head of the Guard. Lots of guards see things that are tough. I’ve been through hardship myself. I’ve helped good men and women heal from this sort of thing before. I’ve tried a little with Nash already, but he wouldn’t let me. Now I can tell him it’s at the mandate of the queen if he doesn’t listen, but I have a feeling that, after today’s episode, he’ll be more willing to talk.”
“You think so?”
“I believe so. Yes. From what I heard, he had quite a shock.”
That I can agree with.
“Is there anything else you need of me?” he asks.
“That will be all.”
“Then I will go see Nash personally and get things moving.”
“Thank you, Jaku.”
He nods before leaving the room.
I’m grateful to have him on my side, helping with what he can. He’s more useful than I would think a Head of Guard would be. I should find some sort of way to reward him for a job well done. The only thing I can think of is money, but I’m not sure that’s what he wants or needs. His loyalty seems to run deeper than what I can pay him. I wish there was something I could do that would have a deeper meaning.
But for now, I need to focus on getting my country back under my control. To do that, I’ll need some help. Now that Nash is no longer under my service and Jaku is busy, can I convince the others to leave me alone so I can practice magic? I’ll have to try because the alternative is telling them.
While I don’t know Eldim that well, other than he’s helped save my life, I know Julina. Part of me still worries what she’ll think of me and what she’ll do if she finds out I’m hearing a voice in my head that sometimes takes me over. No, I’ll have to convince them to let me do this without them.
“Inkga, would you please get Venda?” I ask.
“Of course.”
While she’s gone, my mind is busy worrying about everything I need to do and take care of. As soon as Inkga and Venda return, I ask Eldim and Julina to leave.
“No.” Julina’s voice is firm.
“I agree,” Eldim says. “It’s not safe. There could be a secret tunnel we don’t know about.”
I want to roll my eyes, except I’ve been attacked in this very room. “I know things seem dangerous, but there are some confidential matters I need to discuss with Inkga and Venda. Puneah will protect me, though I hardly think it’ll be necessary.”
“We can keep confidences,” Julina says. “It’s part of our job.”
“That may be”—and I do really want to tell her, but I can’t have her thinking I’m crazy, practicing magic—“but this really needs keeping under wraps for now. If it works out, you will learn about it in time.”
“And who will protect you while we’re not here?” Eldim asks.
“Like I said, Puneah will. She’s proven her worth, and you’ll be right outside.”
Julina shakes her head. “Unless this is a ploy by Faner to get you comfortable before they murder you.”
“Glad you put that so bluntly.”
She has the grace to look down, cheeks reddening.
I continue. “Faner has no reason to attack me.”
“That we know of,” Julina mutters.
“I promise I’ll be safe.” I put as much emphasis as I can on the last word.
Julina looks at the ceiling, like it holds all the answers. “Fine. But we’ll be right by the door. Call out if you need assistance.”
“I will, and thank you.”
They huff as they leave the room.
Once they’re gone, Venda says, “You needn’t defend me.”
“I had to get them out. Besides, I’d like to think it’s true that your people don’t wish me harm.”
She simply looks at me, making me wonder if I’m mistaken.
“We should get started,” Inkga says.
Venda speaks as if Inkga said nothing. “Why do you not wish it to be known that you are doing magic?”
“My reasons are my own.”
“They will be more accepting than you think, once they get over their initial shock. Look at Inkga. She’s done well.”
How can a woman so entirely different from me read my fears when I keep them closed up? Either I don’t keep them locked up as tight as I think, or we aren’t so different after all. “May I ask you a question?”
“You may ask.” The implied, but I might not answer stands out.
I’m not sure it’s something I should say. My ladies in waiting would be shocked if they heard me ask such a thing, but I’m so curious. “Why does your skin almost shimmer? Are all the people in Faner like that?”
“That is two questions.” She goes so quiet I don’t think she’s going to say anything further, but before I can nudge her to continue, she says, “Most people in Faner have skin that almost shimmers, as you say, unless they are from another country or have bred with those of another country too much. We retain our essence. That is all I can say.”
Their essence, huh? Interesting. I wish she could say more, but we all have our secrets. “Very well. What spells are we learning today?”
We work through several spells together, practicing enchanting objects. My movements are stronger than before, inching closer to what I thought I’d never be again, but still oh-so-far away from it. I force the issue to the back of my mind and work on feeling the magic. Inkga holds the mirror and my wrist while I work my fingers to smash the ingredients together.
I chant, focusing on that feeling inside me that hums with life. I need to use it. Believe it can do the job.
It moves through me, and I want to pull back in shock, but I force myself to continue. To know this will work.
The thing moving through me grows stronger, heading toward the ring I’m trying to enchant. I push it forward, believing it can work. Believing the information Venda has given us will do the job. I’ve seen it work, after all. It has to work this time.
With one final push, the ring glows.
“I did it.” My hand falls to my lap and the glow fades, but there was no mistaking it. “I finally did it.”
“You have succeeded.” Venda picks up the ring. “This shall be your good-luck charm. We will put it on a necklace for you so you can always have it on.”
Good luck is something I desperately need.
While Venda pulls a chain from a bag at her waist, Inkga draws my attention. “You did it. I knew you could; it was a matter of time.”
“And with the help of you both,” I reply. “I couldn’t have done it without you. Now we need to get you a luck charm of your own.”
She grins. “I can’t wait until it works for me as well.”
We continue using magic, though Inkga isn’t successful. The work is soothing, after the day I’ve had, and though it’s not easy, it feels like there’s a purpose behind it. A way to defeat the First Queen. I just need Daros to tell me how.