Harry
It was something like a movie; three dates, in the same restaurant, at different times, but I didn’t feel like a cad like those guys in the movies usually were. I wasn’t trying to make any of my dates feel like they were the only one, even though now I had to whittle the three to one. I sat there sipping on my whiskey while I waited for date number one to show up. I stared at my phone again. Sarah still hadn’t called me back and I was starting to get annoyed. I had present number one on the seat next to me and stood up as soon as I saw Lisa walking in.
“Hi.” I smiled at her warmly as I stared at her figure.
“Harry, how are you?” She leaned her face forward and I kissed both of her cheeks as she stood in front of me.
“I’m great now that you’re here. Lisa, you’re looking beautiful as always. Thank you for joining me.”
“Of course, Harry, when you want a date, I’m always available.”
I pulled her chair back and she sat down and then I pushed it in, before going back to my own seat.
“You’re always such a gentleman, Harry, you really are.”
“I guess it’s the Huntington in me. My mother raised me right,” I said with a small smile as I sat down. “Would you like something to drink?”
“Of course, darling. What are you drinking?”
“I’m drinking whiskey. Would you like some?”
“Oh, well, maybe not whiskey. Maybe I’ll have a vodka lime.”
“Okay, sure.” I called over the waiter and I placed an order for her drink. “So how are you doing, Lisa?”
“Why, darling, I’m doing absolutely marvelous now that I’m here with you. You know” —she leaned forward— “I was wondering when we were going to take this whole thing to the next level.”
“What do you mean to the next level?” I stared at her pouting red lips.
“Well, you know, darling, you’re a handsome man and I’m obviously a very beautiful woman and, you know, I’m starting to think you’re not attracted to me or something.” She bats her eyelashes... was one of them starting to fall off? I blinked as I stared at the lash that was starting to resemble a spider.
“Oh, I’m attracted to you, Lisa, of course. You are a very beautiful woman indeed.”
“Well, you know, that’s what men tell me, but you’ve just never made a move aside from a couple of kisses here and there. I was thinking perhaps you could come home to my place tonight, you know, so we could make our relationship official?”
As soon as she said the words ‘relationship official,’ I knew she was definitely not going to be the one that I was taking to the events. I sat back and gave her a warm smile even though inside I was feeling anything but warm. Panicked, yes. Warm, no.
“Oh, I don’t think so, Lisa. I’ve explained to you where I stand, I think.”
“Yes, Harry, but—”
“No buts. You know you’re not the only woman I’m seeing, and I think it’s only respectful to sleep with one woman at a time.”
“Yes, I suppose that’s true. I suppose I’m happy with what we have. You know, I don’t want to push this into something that is too soon for you, Harry. Let’s see how it goes.”
And with those words, my insides softened a little bit. She was back in the running.
“So Lisa, I have your present for you.”
“Oh, yes, what did you get me?” She giggled. “Oh, I do hope it wasn’t something expensive from Tiffany’s.” She fanned her face. “That would just be too much if you got me something really beautiful from Tiffany’s, like some diamond earrings or a diamond necklace, or even a tennis bracelet.”
“You don’t have to worry, dear. I didn’t get you anything from Tiffany’s.”
“Oh.” She looked disappointed. But I didn’t care. I withheld a laugh. As if I would get something from Tiffany’s, that would have been far over my fifty-dollar budget.
“So would you like to open the present now or later?”
“Well, we don’t have to rush, do we, darling?”
“Well, you know that I have some other meetings today, so this can only last for the one drink.” Even as I said the words, I knew how bad they sounded.
“Oh, okay.” She nodded. “Well, sure, let me see it now.”
I handed her the neatly packaged gift that Sarah had given me, and I smiled. I checked the envelope to make sure that it was for Lisa.
“Here you go, darling. I hope you absolutely love it and whenever you see it, you think of me.” I was wondering if I should say smell it, but then I didn’t want to give away the fact that it was perfume.
“Oh, darling. Thank you.” She opened the card and read it quickly, frowning as she read it. I wondered what Sarah had written. I hoped Sarah hadn’t said anything about how much I loved her. She was the sort of person that would play practical jokes like that.
Lisa put the card down with a frown and then looked at me. “That was meant to be a funny card?” She looked shocked.
“What was funny about it? Ha ha, I was just joking around.” I laughed, not knowing what Sarah had written.
“Oh, okay. I didn’t know you had that sense of humor.” And then she opened the package. Both of our jaws dropped to the ground as we stared at the dildo embedded in the plastic wrapper. “What the hell is this, Harry?” She shook her head, her face going red. “Is this meant to be some sort of joke?”
“No, I—”
“Like, are you telling me that we’re basically never going to have sex together? Like, what are you saying? Are you saying you have a small penis? Is that why you don’t want to sleep with me? Oh my gosh, it makes sense. Harry Huntington has a micropenis. Are you scared I’m not going to feel it,” she sighed. “Harry, it’s okay, you know? You can use your fingers. You can use your tongue. I mean, yeah, it’s not the most optimal start to our sex life if you have a micropenis, but you know, maybe you could take tablets or something?”
“I do not have a micropenis.” My voice was furious. Sarah was going to die. A slow painful death.
“So then what is this, Harry? I don’t get it.”
“Okay. Well, my assistant got you this,” I said slowly.
“Your assistant bought this for me. Really? That’s so impersonal.”
“Well, she’s not exactly my assistant. She’s my best friend.”
“Your best friend got this for me?” Her eyes narrowed. “Not that girl you’re always talking about and always texting when we’re out.”
“That might be her.”
“Not that Sarah girl that I met that time, the tomboy?”
“Well, she’s not a tomboy. She just…”
“Oh my god, Harry, grow up.” And with that, she stood up and left the restaurant.
I stood up and debated whether or not I wanted to go after her, but then I couldn’t be bothered. I sat back down and smiled to myself, though I was pissed. Sarah had really got me. I wondered if both of her other gifts were also dildos. Shit, I didn’t know what to do now. Risk it and give the girls dildos or just give them no presents. I looked at the second box and realized that it was much smaller. There was no way there was a dildo in there. Maybe Sarah had just been joking with one of my dates and the other gifts were real. I sat back down and called the waiter over.
“Sir, I have your vodka lime. Where’s your date?” the waiter asked.
“I’ll drink it, it’s okay. I have someone else coming in thirty minutes.”
“In thirty minutes, sir?”
“Well maybe forty-five, I’m not sure exactly. She’ll be going by the name Denise.”
“Okay, sir, we’ll bring her right over as soon as she arrives.”
“Thanks.”
Denise arrived wearing a short black dress, her long dark hair flowing down her back. She had on the highest heels I’d ever seen, and as she walked toward me, I could feel my heart thumping. She wouldn’t be so bad to spend Christmas with. Hey, she seemed like she’d be a lot of fun to go on dates, and maybe if I was only seeing one woman, then I could let down my guard and sleep with her. As long as she didn’t take it to mean anything.
“Harry, darling, so good to see you,” she said with her slight English accent.
“Nice to see you as well, Denise.” I stood up and kissed her on both cheeks, feeling like a bit of an imposter. This was not something I did with anyone else other than these women.
“Oh, Harry, this is such a marvelous place. You know, we don’t have places like this where I’m from.”
“They don’t have places like this in England? I’ve been to London. I’ve been to plenty of swanky restaurants.”
“Oh, that’s not where I’m from. Yes, in London, of course they have these places. But I’m from a little town in the countryside called Little Kimble, remember? We have a fish and chip shop, a pub, and you know, the supermarket.”
“Oh, okay.”
“Maybe one day you’ll come with me and you can visit my mommy and daddy.”
“Yeah, well, let’s see about that, huh? Would you like something to drink?”
“Oh, yes. I’d rather like a glass of champagne, Dom Perignon, if they have it.”
“Ah, Dom Perignon?” I stared at her. Was she out of her mind? This wasn’t some sort of New Year’s Eve celebration.
“Well, if they have it, of course, you know. Moet, if they don’t.”
“Well, let’s see what they have.” I called the waiter over. “A glass of your champagne, please.”
“And which champagne would sir like?”
“Um…” I looked over at Denise and then back at the waiter. “Something good,” I said. “You can choose.” Hoping the waiter didn’t go crazy and choose the most expensive one.
“Oh, Harry, this is marvelous. I’ve always wanted to spend Christmas in New York City. When I was a little girl, I used to watch Christmas parades on TV.”
“Oh, really? You didn’t have a Christmas parade in England?”
“No, not really, and I’ve always wanted to live in the United States, you know?”
“Well, here you are.”
“Yes, it’s marvelous. You know, I mean, I am on a visa that expires soon, but I’m hoping.” She paused. “Well, you know, no need to talk about that now.”
“Yeah. So, Denise, do you have any plans for Christmas?”
“Well, I was wanting to go home to see Mummy and Daddy, but they said don’t bother because the flights are rather expensive you know, just to go home for a week, I’d rather not spend two thousand dollars.”
“Two thousand dollars for a flight to England? I’ve seen flights for like four hundred dollars from JFK.”
“Well, yes, of course, you can fly from JFK to Gatwick for about four hundred dollars if you’re going economy, but I don’t go economy, Harry. You’re funny. You know I only go first-class.”
“And you can get a ticket for two thousand dollars first-class?” I frowned. This wasn’t making sense.
“Oh, no, I can’t really get it for two thousand dollars first class, but I have some other friends, you know, rich gentlemen friends that have miles and so if I put their miles along with cash, then I can go. You know, one friend said he would give me four hundred thousand miles. That’s a lot of miles, you know, but I still have to find two thousand dollars, and two thousand dollars for one week just doesn’t seem good. Mummy and Daddy said, ‘save your money’ and, you know, that’s what I’m going to do.”
“Okay. Well, that’s good to hear Denise. So then you’ll be here if we need to attend any events?”
“Oh, yes, I would love to go to events with you. You know, I told my mommy and daddy that I’ve never seen such a thing as the nightlife here in New York. We do come from a very religious background and, you know, I never used to go to parties.”
“Oh, well, I guess you’re enjoying the time here?”
“Yes, I am rather. But Mummy and Daddy think that it’s time for me to find a husband. They want to know why I don’t have a boyfriend and no prospects.”
“Oh, I see.” I didn’t know what to say to that because I had no interest in meeting her mommy or daddy, and I certainly wasn’t about to be her future husband.
“But, you know, it’s okay. I told them I’ll join a church group. They always say there’re lots of good men in church groups, and maybe, you know, we…” She smiled and looked down, blushing. “Well, anyway, so today’s a really nice day. I like this restaurant quite a lot.”
“Yeah, I’m glad you like it. I actually have a little Christmas present for you.”
“Oh yeah? Ooh, I love presents. They’re my favorite thing about Christmas. What did you get me? Oh, I don’t know if that’s impolite? Should I wait until Christmas?”
“It’s okay. I’ll give it to you now.” I handed her the present to stop her from talking. I’d forgotten how much Denise could annoy me. She could just talk and talk and talk and talk and didn’t seem to care if I expressed any interest whatsoever.
“Oh, what’s this? Ooh, is it a gift card? Oh, I do love gift cards. Last year, I got a gift card to Cartier for two thousand dollars. Two thousand dollars, I thought I was going out of my mind, and everything I wanted was over ten thousand dollars. So, you know what I ended up doing? I ended up selling it on eBay, I got fifteen hundred dollars, which was rather good. I know the card was two thousand dollars, but fifteen hundred dollars cash is better. Oh, but dear me, I’m talking too much.” She blushed again. “Sorry, I have a tendency to do that. People assume I’m rich just because I’m British, but we’re not all related to the queen. No millions of pounds from the government per year from me and I could never go on the dole, Mummy and Daddy would kill me. How would that look?”
“Yeah, it’s okay. No worries.” I sat back and tried to stop myself from rolling my eyes. I hadn’t spent that much time with Denise, and I was starting to remember why she certainly wouldn’t do at business functions. She opened the card and then read it. She started frowning too, and I thought to myself, Oh god, what now?
“Oh, well, is this some sort of joke, Harry?”
“Sorry, what?” Sarah was definitely dead.
“The card, is it some sort of joke? I don’t really get it, but I know the American sense of humor is quite different from the English.”
“Yeah, I was just giving you our Yankee sense of humor.” Oh my god, what had Sarah written?
“Oh, okay, I see. You Americans sure are funny.” She then opened the gift that was in a little cardboard box. She pulled out two pieces of paper and read them. “I don’t get this, Harry.”
“Sorry, what?”
“You and I haven’t even had sex, and you said you don’t like to have sex with women that you are only casually dating.”
“Well, that’s not exactly what I said. I said, I don’t like to have sex with multiple women that I’m casually dating. I always casually date.”
“Yes, but then what is this?”
“Sorry, what is what?”
“Are you trying to tell me that you’d like for us to be in a serious relationship, but you would only be in a serious relationship with me if I went to a swingers club?”
“Sorry, what?” What the hell was she going on about?
“Because you know I’m a Christian and I’m a good girl, and my mummy and daddy would absolutely hate the idea of thinking about me at something like that. But you know what, what they don’t know won’t hurt them. Is that what you’ve been waiting for? Is this your secret predilection?”
“Sorry, what?” I frowned. Had she gone mad?
“You like swingers clubs, is that what you’re trying to tell me?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” And then she showed me the tickets, two tickets to an exclusive VIP event at a swingers club. “Okay. I’m sorry about that, Denise. I think there’s been some sort of mistake. Those tickets were not actually meant for you.”
“What do you mean they weren’t meant for me? You go to swingers clubs with other women?”
“No, I don’t go to swingers clubs with other women. I don’t go to swingers clubs. Period.”
“So then why are you giving this to me?”
“You know what” —I grabbed the tickets from her— “I’ll take these. I have a friend that I think might enjoy them, and why don’t I give you a different gift?”
“Oh, what’s the other gift?” She looked confused but a bit excited.
“Why don’t I… hmm. Why don’t I get you a first-class ticket so you can go and visit your family back home for Christmas?” I had more than enough miles.
“Oh, Harry, really? You’d do that for me? Oh, that just seems like so much.”
“No, don’t worry about it. I want to apologize for the gift mix-up. That will be my Christmas present to you instead.”
“Oh, thank you, Harry. Well, you know...” She looked at her watch. “I think I’d rather go home right now and call my mummy and daddy and tell them. You can email me the deets, yeah?”
“Sure.”
“Well, it was nice seeing you, Harry, as always.”
“You too, Denise, you too.” I stood up and watched as the second date of the night walked out of the restaurant, picked up my phone and called Sarah once again. I was going to absolutely kill her. She answered on the second ring.
“Hello?” Her voice was sugar sweet, and I knew that she knew that I knew what she’d done.
“Sarah, what the fuck have you done?”
“Oops.” She laughed. “I’m guessing you’ve given your presents to the girls?”
“Sarah, it’s not funny. And why haven’t you been picking up the phone? I have been calling you all afternoon.”
“I told you I’m going with Gemma to her work event tonight. I was getting ready.”
“Since when does it take you hours to get ready?”
“Since I had my makeover, don’t you remember? I told you yesterday I was going.”
“Yeah. Yeah, whatever. Sarah, this is totally not cool, okay? How could you get one girl a dildo and another swingers tickets? Are you frigging trying to kill me here? Are you trying to get me dumped?”
“How can you get dumped if they’re not your girlfriends, Harry?”
“Ha ha, very funny, Sarah. So what time are you going to be back from your event?”
“I don’t know. Why?”
“Because I need to talk to you.”
“About what?”
“Something that my dad told me today and I think I should give you a heads-up.”
“Oh god, what did your dad tell you?”
“It’s about Christmas and the Christmas event.”
“Okay, and can’t you just tell me now?”
“I’d rather tell you in person so we could laugh. Oh, and we also have to get there on the twenty-second.”
“What do you mean we have to get there on the twenty-second? I wasn’t planning on getting there until New Year’s Eve.”
“Sarah, I told my dad we’d be there on the twenty-second.”
“What do you mean you told your dad we’d be there? You mean you told your dad you would be there. Why do I have to be there on the twenty-second?”
“Sarah, you’re my best friend and you’re always at this event. It’s a yearly tradition for us. You will be there on the twenty-second as well.”
“I don’t know, Harry. I might have other things going on.”
“My other date’s coming, Sarah. I’ve got to go.” Click. I hung up the phone and shook my head. I didn’t know what was going on with Sarah. What makeover was she talking about? I’m sure she couldn’t look much different from how she normally looked. My mind went back to her and the short T-shirt that I’d seen her in the other day and how turned on I’d felt, though that had been a one off. Sarah was just not the type of girl I was into romantically and that was why our friendship worked so well.
Kim headed toward me, shaking her bouncy, curly red hair as she walked. Now, this had to go well because if this didn’t go well, I was screwed.
“Hi, Harry,” she said in her Southern accent.
“Hi, Kim. Good to see you. Get here okay?”
“Yes, I did, thanks.” Her Southern twang pierced my ears, but I ignored it.
I normally had a thing for Southern girls. Maybe it was the cowboy in me, or the undercover cowboy in me, that liked being ridden like a horse.
“So, Kim, what have you been up to?” I asked stupidly.
“Well, not much. I just got back from Tennessee last week.”
“Oh, yeah, I remember. You went to Nashville, right?”
“Yeah, yeah, I met with some country music executives and they told me that I have a really pretty voice and a really pretty face so they think they’re going to sign me. They said I could be the next Reba McEntire, you know?”
“Oh, wow. That’s awesome. You’ll have to sing for me sometime. I didn’t realize that you were so talented.”
“Huh? On our last date, I sang for you, Harry, don’t you remember? I sang that one song that you said you loved.”
“Oh, yes you did.” I didn’t even have the foggiest idea what she was talking about. I did vaguely remember her singing something, but I hadn’t been paying attention.
“You know that song. ‘Friends in Low Places.’”
“Oh yes, yes, yes. That’s a Johnny Cash song, right?”
“No, it’s Garth Brooks, Harry. You told me you love country music.”
“Oh, you know, I mean, I like it a little bit. Love Elvis. Love Johnny Cash.
“Elvis is not considered country. Oh, Harry.” She giggled. “You’re always teasing me. You city boys are so slick.”
“I’m glad you find me funny, Kim. Thank you.” I didn’t even bother asking if she wanted a drink this time. I didn’t have a good feeling that Sarah had gotten her a better gift, but I hoped so. “I have a gift for you. Would you like to open it?”
“Oh, now?” She looked surprised. “Aren’t we going to order some food and some drinks or something?”
“I think you better open the gift first and then if you like it, we can order some stuff, you know, see what we want to do.”
“Oh, is this something sexy? Are you saying that perhaps you want to go back to your place and maybe seal the deal?” She giggled. “I get it, and then we can order some takeout after we’ve had our fun?”
“Yeah, let’s just see what you think about the gift first.” I handed her the box that was very heavy. Definitely not a dildo unless it was a fifty-pound dildo, which I wouldn’t put past Sarah. No way it was swingers club tickets. Okay, so maybe this was something good though I knew from the weight in the box, there was no way that it was perfume, which struck me that I’d been stupid to not realize that in the first place about the other gifts. “Here you go. Maybe you don’t open the card right away?”
“Why not, Harry? Is it revealing? Are you telling me how much you want to get to know me and possibly love me?” She giggled again. “Do you want me to wait until later to open the card, honey?”
“Yeah, maybe just open the gift first.”
She ripped open the box and pulled out three books. Oh, this wasn’t so bad. Books couldn’t hurt me.
“Weight Watchers?” Her voice rose. “Weight Watchers? Why are you giving me a Weight Watchers book with recipes? Do you think I’m fat? I tell you, I am curvaceous, Harry Parker Huntington. I am curvaceous. And men love my curves.”
“I never—” I groaned.
“Oh, I could not take this, Harry. I cannot take this. I have never been so insulted in all my life!” She threw one of the books at me. “Why don’t you go on Weight Watchers yourself. I have a feeling the reason you haven’t slept with me is because your body is not as nice as you try to make it seem in your fancy suits. Yes, Harry, I notice you’ve never taken off that shirt of yours. Huh, I bet you have no six-pack. I bet you’ve just got a big belly because that’s the sort of guy you are, a fake!”
And then she walked out of the restaurant and all I could think was, Oh man, I’m absolutely screwed.