Sarah
“Hey girl, there you are,” Gemma stood up and walked over to me as I headed toward her.
She was standing there in a pretty blue dress and I smiled. “Hey, how’s it going?”
She gave me a once-over. “Hmm,” she said as she looked at me.
“What?” I said, staring at her in confusion. “What does hmmm mean?”
“You don’t look like you’ve been devirginized, but—”
“Oh my gosh, Gemma. Really?” I laughed, almost feeling guilty. “We’re not going to talk about this right now, are we?”
“Um, isn’t that why you wanted to go to lunch?” she said with a small smile.
“No, I wanted to go to lunch because I wanted to see you and because—”
“And because you wanted to tell me how amazing it was or perhaps it wasn’t amazing to sleep with Harry.”
“Gemma.” I laughed and then paused. “And just in case you’re wondering, it was very amazing.”
“Oh my gosh, I knew it.” She giggled and then put her arm through mine. “Okay, come on. Let’s go to lunch.”
“Okay,” I said as we continued walking through the park. “Where do you want to go?”
“I was thinking Shake Shack actually. I’ve really been craving a burger and fries and a milkshake, and I know we should be eating salads because we both said we wanted to be on a diet. But girl, I am always down for a burger and fries and milkshake.”
“Hello.” I grinned at her. “Come on.”
“That’s why I love you, Sarah,” she said. “I don’t have to always get a green salad and some grilled chicken. I could actually get food that I want to eat.”
“Yeah, you can,” I said. “And that’s why I love you too.”
“Okay, so tell me more.”
“Girl, there are people walking right next to us,” I said as I looked at a couple to our right. “Maybe when we get to Shake Shack.”
“Um, really? You’re going to be sitting at a table surrounded by a bunch of kids and you’re going to tell me what it was like getting laid for the first time?”
“Gemma,” I chastised her. “Keep your voice down.”
“What? I’m just excited and I want to know what happened.”
“Gemma, you’re a big girl. I think you know what happens when two people do the do.”
“When two people do the do?” She raised an eyebrow at me. “Um, okay.”
“Okay, look. It was mind-blowing. I do not know how or why I waited so long.”
“Okay. So you’re saying Harry’s got the moves?”
“Who said Harry’s got the moves? Maybe I’ve got the moves.” I laughed.
“Yeah, girl. Get it.” She put her hand up and we high-fived.
“Oh my gosh, we’re so immature.” I laughed. “Is this what guys do after they have sex?” I groaned. “I hope Harry’s not called his brothers and told them. Ah, I just don’t know how I’d be able to look them in the eyes if they knew.”
“You don’t think they’re going to be able to tell when you go there for Christmas and you and Harry are all kissing and touching?”
“Oh, there’s no way in hell we’re going to be kissing and touching in front of his family. Are you crazy?”
“Why?” Gemma said with surprise as she looked at me. “So this was really a one-time thing?”
“Well, no,” I said with a small smile. “It’s not a one-time thing. It’s a many-times thing now, but—”
“Hold on. Wasn’t it a one night pact you guys had?”
“Well, the suggestion was a one night pact, but it didn’t quite work out like that.” I laughed. “We both realized after the first time that there was no way we could just do one night.”
“Okay, so that’s why I haven’t seen you in the last week?”
“Well, I mean, I’ve been doing other things.” I laughed.
“What? Sleeping and eating?”
“And showering.”
“Okay, so you’ve been sleeping, eating, showering, and fucking, huh?”
“Oh my gosh. Gemma, you make it sound so crude.”
“Why is that crude? I mean, good for you, girl. Get it.”
“Yeah. It’s been really nice, though it’s kind of weird. I mean, I never thought that Harry and I would ever have this sort of relationship. It’s, you know…” I paused, not really knowing how to express myself.
“What is it, girl? Tell me.”
“Well, you know, our relationship changed.”
“Yeah, of course. You’re sleeping with your best friend now.”
“No. I mean, yeah, of course, we’re sleeping with each other now. But other things have changed.”
“Oh, like what?”
“Well, we’re not as teasing with each other as we were before.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. You know, like he’d make fun of me. I’d make fun of him. We’d say and do things in front of each other that now I don’t feel comfortable doing.”
“Oh gosh. Like what?”
“Like farting, burping.”
“Okay, well I think that’s okay. No one needs to hear you fart or burp.”
“I know. But it’s just different, you know?” I sighed. “I mean, on the one hand, it’s amazing and I love touching him and kissing him and being with him. But on the other hand, I feel like we’re sort of just on our best behavior and it doesn’t really feel like us.”
“Oh my gosh, you’re complaining that Harry is on his best behavior. Are you crazy?”
“I know. I know. Like he frustrates me to no end, but you know, it’s always been the two of us and it’s always been us being our real, authentic selves and I kind of miss that.”
“So you guys having sex means that he’s become a better human being, but you don’t like him because he’s a better human being?”
“Well, he’s not a better human being because he’s better. He’s just acting a role that he thinks I will like more, I don’t know.”
“So, have you guys talked about what’s next or…?”
“What do you mean, what’s next?”
“I mean, are you guys going to officially start dating or?”
“No,” I sighed. “That’s not anything we’ve talked about.”
“Because you don’t want to date or because?”
“I don’t know, Gemma. It’s hard. Of course, I have feelings for him, and he has feelings for me, but it’s just all kinds of confusing right now.”
“So if he asked you to be his girlfriend, you would say?”
“Do I have to answer that?” I said with a small laugh, though I didn’t feel like laughing inside. In fact, my heart felt like it was hurting. It was heavy. And even though I didn’t want to admit it to Gemma, I’d already admitted it to myself. I had fallen head over heels in love with Harry. And of course, I wanted to be his girlfriend. I wanted that more than anything, but I also knew that that would never be an option. That wouldn’t be something on the table. Because as much as I wanted it, Harry didn’t. We hadn’t spoken about it, but I knew him. He didn’t do relationships. He didn’t want commitment. And while we were having fun now, it was because I wasn’t pushing anything else on him. We were just having carefree sex and it was amazing, but ...
“Hey, Sarah. Sarah,” Gemma interrupted my thoughts. “You okay?”
“Sorry. Yeah.” I glanced at her with a small smile. “I was just thinking.”
“You looked like you were thinking really, really hard.”
“I was thinking really hard,” I bit down on my lower lip. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes.
“Oh my gosh, Sarah. You look really emotional. Are you okay?” Gemma stopped and then pulled me to look at her.
“What’s going on? Don’t tell me you’re pregnant. Oh my god. Did I not tell you to use protection?”
“Of course, I’m not pregnant.” I laughed. “We use condoms every single time.”
“Oh, that sucks,” Gemma said with a grin. “You should go on the pill. That way you don’t have to use condoms.”
“Oh my gosh, really?” I laughed.
“I’m just saying,” she said with a small smile. “It feels better when—”
“You sound like a guy now, Gemma.”
“I know.” She gave me a serious look. “I was just trying to lighten the mood. But seriously, tell me. What’s going on? Is this about the boyfriend/girlfriend thing? Has Harry said or done something that—”
“He hasn’t said or done anything. But you know him, Gemma. He’s not looking for a relationship. He doesn’t want to be committed to one person. That’s been his whole shtick his whole life. That’s why he and I have gotten on so well, because I’ve always just been the best friend. I’ve never wanted more from him.”
“Oh shit,” she said with a worried expression.
“What?”
“You love him, don’t you?”
“Of course, I love him. He’s my best friend.”
“No, I mean, you really love him,” she sighed. “Fuck, I had a feeling this would happen.”
“What are you talking about?” I pretended to be ignorant.
“Sarah, you want more from him, right? You want to be in an exclusive relationship.”
“Maybe. I mean, I don’t—”
“Sarah.”
“Okay, I do. I love him. I want to be with him in a serious relationship, yes. Okay, I admit it.” I put my hands over my face and I groaned, screaming slightly. “Oh, what am I doing? What did I do? I fucked everything up,” I whined.
“Oh, Sarah,” Gemma sighed. “Okay, let’s think.”
“What is there to think about?” I exclaimed. “We already know Harry. I’ve known Harry more than half my life. He’s not going to change how he feels.”
“But he loves you too.”
“He loves me as his best friend.”
“Well, he’s sleeping with you.”
“Yeah, because I’m hot now.” I grinned at her. “Thanks to you. Thank you, Gemma.”
“You’re welcome, Sarah,” she said with a small smile. “But hey, you don’t know. Maybe he’s conflicted right now as well. Maybe he wants more too.”
“He doesn’t.”
“How do you know that? Have you had a conversation with him?”
“No, I haven’t had a conversation with him. But how do I bring that up? ‘Hey Harry, we’ve been friends forever and now we’re sleeping together. So hey, you want to take it to the next level and become boyfriend and girlfriend?’”
“Sarah, you’re acting like that’s crazy. But—”
“But what?”
“Normally, that’s the conversation that men and women have when they start sleeping together.” She looked at me and shook her head. “I know you’ve never had sex before, but you’ve been in relationships before, Sarah. You’ve dated guys.”
“Yeah, I’ve dated guys, but nothing really serious.”
“Oh my gosh. So you don’t want to speak to him about this?”
“I mean, if I speak to him about this, what is he going to say? Right? Like honestly, it’s just going to ruin everything.”
“What’s it going to ruin, Sarah?”
“It’s going to ruin our entire friendship because he’s going to feel bad because he’s going to know he broke my heart and then it’s always going to be awkward between us. And I don’t want it to be awkward between us. I want it to be like it’s always been. I need him to still be my best friend. Yes, the sex is amazing and yes, I want more. But if I can’t have more, I want it to be as good as it was before.”
“You know you can’t go back. It’s never going to be like it was before. You’ve known him intimately, girl. You’ve had his dick in your mouth.” She paused. “Or at least I’m assuming you’ve had his dick in your mouth.”
“Yes.” I giggled slightly. “I’ve had his dick in my mouth. And let me tell you.”
“Oh gosh,” she groaned. “What?”
“Let me tell you, it was the best blow job I’ve ever given in my life, thank you very much.”
“Really?” Gemma laughed. “Really?”
“What? I thought we should lighten the mood,” I said. I took a deep breath. “But hey, let’s not talk about him anymore. I want to hear about you. I don’t want to hear about the guys that you’re dating. I want us to just have a good time.”
“Sarah?”
“Yes, Gemma.”
“Let’s be serious here, okay?”
“What?”
“You’re not going to be able to not talk about Harry and I’m not going to be able to not ask you about Harry. So Harry is on the table.”
“Oh, I don’t want him to be on the table. I just want to forget about him.”
“Do you really?”
“Well, no, I don’t want to forget about him, but... oh, why does it have to be so complicated and complex?”
“Does he know that you think it’s complicated and complex?”
“Of course not,” I almost shouted. “You think I’d be having this conversation with you sounding like a crazy madwoman if I’ve had this conversation with him. I’m driving myself crazy with thoughts and ideas. And of course, I can’t talk to him about it because he can’t know I’m crazy.”
“Sarah, he already knows you’re crazy. He’s been your best friend for years.”
“Yeah, but it’s been crazy about other stuff. It’s not been crazy about him. You know guys. Guys are so weird. If he knows that he’s driving me crazy.” I paused. “I don’t know. I’m scared I could lose him from my life forever.”
“Oh my god, you’re not going to lose him from your life forever. I promise you that, Sarah.”
“But I don’t want things to be awkward.”
“So then maybe stop sleeping with him,” she sounded serious.
“Are you joking?” I said. “What?”
“I mean, it’s only been a week, right?”
“Yeah.”
“So you can stop. You can say, ‘Hey, we had a one-night pact. We changed it to a week pact. But now I think we should stop for the sake of our friendship.’ What’s he going to say?”
“He’s going to want to know why I want to stop when the sex is so good.”
“Sarah, I know the sex is good, but there will be other guys where the sex is good. Do you want to salvage your friendship with this guy? I think you need to stop sleeping with him.”
“But you were the one that told me that I should go for it in the first place.”
“Because I was an idiot, okay? I was an idiot. I thought—”
“What did you think?”
“I don’t know.” She shook her head. “I’m an idiot too. But—”
“But what?”
“Sarah, let me tell you two things,” she said softly. I could tell from the expression in her eyes that she really wanted me to listen and understand.
“Okay, I’m listening to you.”
“One.”
“Uh-huh.”
“You need to protect your own heart.”
“I know that.”
“And to protect your own heart, you need to stop being intimate with Harry.”
“Fine.”
“Stop. Don’t interrupt me. Okay, Sarah?”
“Okay, fine.”
“And two, I think you need to take a break.”
“What do you mean, I need to take a break?”
“I mean, I think you need some distance from him.”
“Okay, so you think I should go to the Hamptons or?”
“You said you were thinking about taking that job in London, right?”
“Well, no. I said I was thinking about looking for a job in London. I don’t actually have any offers for a job in London. I mean, I did speak to Harry’s dad and I guess my old professor might have like a hookup at the British Museum. But like no one’s actually offered me a job in London.”
“So maybe you need to make that a priority.”
“What do you mean, I need to make it a priority?”
“Maybe you need to figure out a way to get your ass to London and to work there. But that solves all your problems, Sarah.”
“What do you mean it solves my problems?”
“You can tell Harry that you’ve got a job in London and you’re moving and that’s the reason why you’re no longer going to be able to sleep with him. That way you don’t have to tell him you’ve fallen head over heels in love with him and you’re scared he’s going to completely wreck and break your heart.”
“I guess. So how do I get a job in London?”
“I’ll help you, yeah?”
“I guess.” I mean, all of a sudden, the prospect of leaving Harry didn’t sound so exciting. Even though it had been in my mind as well.
“Sarah, it’s going to be okay. You know that, right?”
“I guess so. I just—”
“Sarah, I’m your best friend. I’ve always been your best friend.” She paused. “Well, aside from Harry.” She made a face.
“Don’t be jealous of Harry. He’s my male best friend and you’re my female best friend.”
“I know. I know,” she sighed. “Fine. But look.”
“Yeah.”
“You know Harry and I’ve had our differences.”
“You can say that again.”
“But I think he’s a good guy. I mean, yeah, he annoys me and yeah, I think he’s egotistical and narcissistic and he feels like he’s superior to other people and he thinks like he’s the best-looking guy in the world and the richest and the—”
“Gemma,” I cut her off.
“Sorry.” She grinned. “At least you know I would never want your man.”
“He’s not my man.”
“I know. It’s just a figure of speech.”
“Okay.” My phone started ringing then. I pulled it out of my handbag. “Oh shit. It’s Harry.”
“Of course, it is.” She rolled her eyes.
“One second.” I picked up the phone. “Hi, Harry.”
“Hey, Sarah. What are you doing?”
“I’m just here with Gemma. We’re about to get lunch at Shake Shack.”
“Oh, that sounds delicious,” he sighed.
“Why did you say it sounds delicious and then sigh?”
“Oh, because I was hoping you’d come and have lunch with me today.”
“Oh, you never mentioned that before.”
“Because it just popped into my mind.”
“Okay. Well, I can’t come because like I said, I’m going with Gemma.” I knew I sounded awkward, and I wanted to groan.
“So you want to come over to the office afterward?”
“What for?”
“What do you think for?”
“Harry. At the office?”
“Hey, you’ve never had office sex before, have you?”
“No, but…” I paused. “Have you?”
He chuckled. “I don’t think you need to know the answer to that, Sarah.”
“You’re such a pig, Harry.”
“No, I’m not. So come here after Shake Shack?”
“I’ll think about it.”
“Get here by two. I have a meeting at three.”
“Maybe, I’m not—”
“See you later,” he said and hung up.
I put my phone back into my handbag and looked over at Gemma. She was shaking her head.
“He called you to come for an office quickie?”
“How did you know?” I looked at her in surprise.
“Girl, I could hear him on the phone. Your speaker volume is loud.” She grinned and then shook her head. “You’re not going to go, are you?”
“What do you think?” I said with a devious smile.
“Oh my gosh.” She shook her head. “Fine, fine, fine. But you know, at some point you’re going to have to listen to me. Right, Sarah?”
“I know. But today is not going to be that day.”