Sarah
How had things changed so suddenly? I couldn’t quite believe it. One day, Harry and I had been joking around watching movies, snuggling in bed, just like we always had. The next day we were intimate and kissing and I was feeling things that I shouldn’t. It was weird. Normally when he texted me and he annoyed me, he’d still come over and we’d still laugh about it. But I had a feeling he wasn’t going to come back over. I had a feeling that I might not even see him again for months. I wasn’t planning on telling him that I was going to England. It felt too much like I was running away, and I knew he’d question me.
I mean, just two weeks ago, England hadn’t even really been on my mind. Now, I had a flat lined up, I had a job, everything was changing. I didn’t know how to feel about it. I wasn’t a creature of change. I was a creature of habit. I loved my life. Well, actually, that hadn’t been true. I’d enjoyed my life. I loved my friends. I loved Harry. I loved Gemma. I liked hanging out with them, but I felt worthless. I’d wanted a job for so long now, ever since before I’d left grad school, I hated living off my parents’ money. I hated living off of a trust fund. I didn’t want to be one of those women that didn’t do anything for a living. I wanted to have a purpose. I wanted my life to have purpose. I knew that even if Harry wanted me, that would still be true.
I sighed. I realized that I did want Harry. I wanted more than just a friendship, but I didn’t want things to be the way they were before. I didn’t want us to be in the same pattern. I didn’t want him to take advantage of my kindness and just expect that I would always be there for him to do whatever he wanted. Even if he did love me back. Even if he did want a relationship. I wanted to be an independent woman in a relationship with someone who was my equal, someone that cared about me, someone that loved me, someone that treated me like I was a princess, someone that listened, really listened. Harry had listened to me and he’d always been there for me, but he hadn’t listened in such a way that showed that he was thinking of me, and my wants, and my needs.
He sort of just dismissed me. Yeah. He’d known for years that I was interested in history and he’d gotten me a beautiful set of photos and pictures. But what did that mean? He hadn’t helped me in any meaningful way. He hadn’t suggested that I go to England or offer any sort of options for a job. He just always reminded me that my parents were rich and that I didn’t need to work, but that’s not who I wanted to be. I realized as I sat there, I was angry about a lot more than just Harry. I was angry at my life in general. I wanted so much more and I hadn’t made it happen and I felt like a bit of a failure.
Even now I was running away to England and it wasn’t for a job that I’d gotten. For a job my dad had got for me. I was working for my dad. How was that standing on my own two feet? I was the epitome of nepotism. I stood up and I walked over to the mirror and stared at my reflection, my long blonde hair, my blue eyes, my slightly curvaceous figure. I was pretty, I knew that as I looked at my reflection. Some might even call me beautiful. I was smart. I had a bachelor’s degree. I had a master’s degree. I was fortunate. I came from money. I didn’t have to worry about anything. I’d never had to worry about paying my bills or having something to eat.
And yet I was miserable. I was miserable in all the first world ways. And I knew that I needed to take ownership of my life. This wasn’t about Harry. I mean, part of it was about Harry. Part of it was about the fact that I wanted more from him. But what sort of best friend was I? I didn’t even really know. I’d never even questioned why he didn’t want to be in a relationship. To be honest, I’d been happy that he’d never wanted a serious relationship. And I hadn’t wanted to push him into one either.
I didn’t want him being closer with another woman. I guess that should have been my first sign that I wanted him all to myself and that was selfish of me. Maybe I should have spent my time trying to get him to open himself up to love. Maybe I should have spent my time figuring out why he wasn’t open to love, but I hadn’t. I just accepted it because I liked the fact that it was he and I. Just he and I. I groaned as I continued staring at myself, I was too young to be going through a midlife crisis. I was too young to be questioning everything about my existence, but maybe I was lucky. Maybe I was lucky that I was young enough to actually make some real changes in my life and grow and learn before it was too late.
I had everything, I wanted for nothing and yet I was still dreadfully unhappy. I knew that. I knew that I needed more, and I knew that I needed to speak to Harry. He was my best friend and I shouldn’t have shut him out. I needed to be honest with him. I needed to tell him exactly what was going through my mind and either he’d understand or he wouldn’t, but I needed to talk to him. I couldn’t be me without sharing everything with him. I walked over to my bed, grabbed the phone from under the pillow and powered it back on. I had a couple of missed text messages from Harry, but I didn’t respond. Instead, I called him. The phone rang twice before he answered.
“Sarah. Is that you?”
“Hey. Yeah, it’s me,” I said softly.
“What happened? You didn’t respond to my texts.”
“Yeah. My battery died,” I lied. “But it’s charged now.”
“Oh, okay. So are we good, or?”
“I think you’re right, Harry. I think we need to talk.”
“Oh boy. That sounds serious.”
“It’s not serious. I just...” I said. “Look, everything’s gone really quickly between us in the last couple of weeks and so much has changed, and yet...”
“Hey, you’re not going to end our friendship now, are you?” He sounded nervous and worried.
“No, of course not.”
“Okay, good. Because if you’re going to end our friendship over the phone, I might have to kill you.”
“Harry.” I laughed even though I was still so emotional. “That’s not funny.”
“I know it’s not funny, but I needed to hear you laugh. I don’t want us to be so serious all the time, Sarah. I just don’t really understand what’s going on.”
“I know. Can you meet me tomorrow?”
“I can come over tonight if you want.”
“No, I don’t think you should come tonight. I think tomorrow’s better.”
“Why don’t you want me to come tonight?”
“Because if you come tonight, I have a feeling we’ll do more than talk. And right now, I don’t think we should be physical or intimate.”
“So you’re breaking up with me.” He sounded chagrined.
“I’m not really breaking up with you, we weren’t really together, were we?”
“I guess we weren’t officially together.”
“I mean, I would hope we weren’t officially together because you did go on a date with another woman.”
“Sarah, that wasn’t a date.”
“I mean, it doesn’t matter, Harry, you can do whatever you want.”
“Sarah, it wasn’t a date.”
“Well, what do you think it is when you go out to dinner with your father, your mother and another woman, and some other business associates?”
“Sarah, it was just...” He sighs. “Look, I shouldn’t have gone, okay? I realize that now. I didn’t think it was a big deal. I didn’t think you would care. You’ve never cared in the past.”
“I wasn’t sleeping with you in the past, Harry. I wasn’t in your office with your cock in my mouth.”
“That was kind of nice.” He chuckled.
“Harry!”
“Sorry. I’m just telling the truth. It was kind of nice. I wish you had my cock in your mouth right now.”
“Harry, this is why I can’t talk to you, because everything always comes down to sex.”
“Everything doesn’t always come down to sex, Sarah, and you do know I’m a man, right? And you do know men are obsessed with sex and you do know that I’m obsessed with you.”
“What did you say?”
“Nothing,” he said quickly. “Nothing. Just ignore what I said.”
“Did you say you’re obsessed with me?”
“No, I didn’t mean it like that. I just mean that sex with you is fun and enjoyable and yeah, maybe I think about it a lot.”
“Oh yeah. How much do you think about it?”
“And do you really want to know?” he said softly.
“Maybe,” I said softly.
“Do you think this is a conversation we should be having, seeing as you want to meet me tomorrow for an even more serious conversation?”
“I don’t mind us having this conversation, Harry.”
“You confuse the daylights out of me, Sarah. I don’t understand what you want. You want to have phone sex with me, but you don’t want to have real sex with me. Like you want me to get you off, but with words and not my tongue or my cock?”
“Harry!”
“What? I’m being honest. We’re best friends. Can I not be honest about this?”
“You can be honest. I just don’t know what to say. Like, this is about more than sex, Harry. This is about us. This is about our friendship. This is about you and me.”
“Sarah, it’s always been about you and me. It’s always going to be about you and me, but our dynamic has changed now.”
“You said it wouldn’t change, Harry.”
“I didn’t realize it would change in this way. I was stupid, I was dumb and I’m sorry, but it has changed. We can’t take that back, you realize that?”
“I know.” I sighed and I buried my head in my pillow. “Sometimes I wish...”
“What?” he said softly.
“I don’t know.”
“Do you wish we never slept together?”
“No. I mean, yes. Maybe. I don’t know. It’s all so confusing.”
“Was it not enjoyable for you, Sarah?”
“Of course, it was enjoyable. It just... I don’t know. I just... oh Harry, how did we get to this place? I just don’t understand.”
“Maybe you’re overthinking it, Sarah. Maybe it doesn’t have to be this complicated. Maybe we can just enjoy being intimate and continue our friendship and just see how everything goes.”
“Don’t you understand, Harry?”
“Oh god, what? Is this going to be another talk about how I’ve been a bad friend and only care about myself and I’m selfish?”
“No, it’s not about that. And it’s not just you. We’ve just gotten so comfortable with each other. You’re not a bad friend any more than I’m a bad friend. I mean, maybe we’ve both been bad friends.”
“You haven’t been a bad friend to me, Sarah.”
“I have been, you haven’t been in a serious relationship and I haven’t questioned why. And you know what? I haven’t been in one either, and you haven’t questioned why either. We’ve been so comfortable with our friendship, that neither one of us has moved on or grown up in our lives. And maybe we need to address that. Maybe we need to be real and honest with ourselves and each other.”
“I need to come over, Sarah. We need to be having this conversation in person.”
“I don’t want to have this conversation in person. I just...”
“Please, can I come over tonight? We’re not going to be able to sleep.”
“I know. Okay, fine. But promise me something.”
“What?”
“Promise me that we’re not going to have sex tonight.”
“If you don’t think you can keep your hands off of me, Sarah, who am I to say no? Who am I to stop you?” He chuckled.
“Harry!”
“Fine. I’ll come over, and it will be like old times from before we had sex. Okay? We’ll just snuggle and go to sleep after we talk.”
“Fine. Okay. You can come over. When do you think you’ll be here?”
“Three minutes.”
“Three minutes? What?”
“I was actually already on my way over.” He laughed. “So I’m really glad that you said that I can come now because it would have been awkward if I arrived and you were still saying no.”
“Oh, Harry.” I giggled and then sat up in the bed and quickly walked over to the mirror again. Did I look okay to see him?
“Okay. Actually, I’m at your building. I’m going to hang up and come up now.”
“You’re here already?”
“What? You know I wanted to talk to you and see you.”
“Fine.” I said, “Come on up. I’ll be in the bedroom.”
“Are you sure you want to be in the bedroom, Sarah?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I mean, if you don’t want me to seduce you, maybe you should go to the living room.”
“Harry!”
“I’m just joking. I’ll see you in a second. Okay?”
“Okay. Bye.”
“Bye.”