My Aim Is Only To Move Forward

for Gary Gygax

another dead hero

When meeting the Buddha on the road, kill him. Strike with alacrity, ignoring his genial countenance. Leave him no chance to explain. The unclouded compassion of his gaze is mere illusion, one stratagem layered among a milliard: truly does the Buddha tread a path of guile. By all accounts he is tricky to finish, and be the rewards manifold. His flesh separates naturally along the five meridian lines, and at your discretion may be divided into as many as ninety relics. Notably, his skin bestows the property of warmth, and provides guidance in matters of etiquette. His renowned jawbone distinguishes truth from falsity, while the coins in his pocket can return to you when spent. Certain ribs cached within his breast are also considered valuable. Propriety compels you to tug his earlobes; despite an unusual breadth, they relinquish their grasp on the head like autumn blossoms. These segments above all show affinity for the quick-witted and bold, affixing seamlessly to one’s own face. In this manner is the enlightenment of centuries passed on, and a new Buddha inaugurated. Felicity will henceforth mark your affairs, and your reception at social functions will be most cordial. Strive onward with diligence.