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Let’s Hear Your Banter
Ah the banter!
Some of the more memorable lines heard are not skilfully crafted jokes but simply remarks made in the spur of the moment which our readers are happy to pass on, as they are worth preserving.
STRESSFUL time, funerals. A reader tells us of a recent Glasgow funeral where a young relative of the deceased stopped the priest before the coffin was being taken into the chapel and said he wanted to place a picture of his late aunty’s pet dog on the casket. The priest gently squeezed the chap’s arm and told him: “It’s a coffin, son – no’ a sideboard.”
A PARTICK reader swears to us he saw a young lad running along Dumbarton Road wearing a cape, so he jocularly shouted after him: “Are you a superhero?” and the chap shouted back: “Naw, I’ve no’ paid fur ma haircut.”
OLD insults that should be preserved. Now you don’t hear the word dookin’ much these days – getting kids to immerse their heads in a basin of water to capture an apple before they drown seems to be waning. But as Ed Hunter reminds us: “With regards to a chap with a florid complexion – ‘Ah think he’s been dookin’ fur chips.’ ”
INSULTS that should be saved, continued. Now you hardly ever see anyone playing billiards these days as it is all pool or snooker. So it has probably been a while since anyone said to a loudmouth, as reader John Leonard recalled: “You could put three billiard balls in that mooth o’ yours and still not get a cannon.”
THE firm that ran the Christmas market in Glasgow’s George Square has lost the contract, The Herald reported. Some folk thought it was a bit brash, it has to be said. As an old colleague memorably described it last Christmas: “The beer bar looked as enticing as the waiting lounge at Glasgow Airport on Fair Friday just before the last flight to Magaluf.”
ARCHIE Knox, who was assistant manager with Alex Ferguson at Manchester United and Walter Smith at Rangers, told the audience at a Waterstones author event at The Avenue in Newton Mearns that the first game after his arrival at Ibrox was Rangers losing to Motherwell.
Recalled Archie: “They were rebuilding the main stand at Ibrox at the time and when I walked in on the Monday morning one of the workmen on the stand shouted down, ‘Hey Knox! You’ve made a big difference, haven’t you?’”
HOW’S this for an argument? Deril Wyles in Stirling revealed: “Guy from the TV licence chapped my uncle’s pal’s door who told him he didnae have a telly, and the guy was like, ‘You’ve got an aerial on your roof.’
“He replied: ‘I’ve got a pint of milk in the fridge – disnae mean I’ve got a coo oot the back,’ and shut the door.”
AND so the hot weather continues, although some folk find it uncomfortable. Still Game actor Gavin Mitchell passed on the following conversation he had the other day: “Taxi driver: ‘How was yer night?’ Me: ‘Awright. Yersel?’ Taxi driver: ‘Aye awright, just sittin’ sweatin’ ma a*** aff oan this PVC seat wi’ this windae open thinking, Whit am a dain’ wi’ ma life? Why did a no’ try harder?’”
OUR sister paper the Evening Times ran a story about a prisoner who absconded from jail being found in Cumbernauld. Steven McAvoy muses: “What’s the point in escaping the jail if yir just going to go to Cumbernauld?”
GREAT weather at the weekend, with Glasgow’s parks mobbed. A reader lounging in Kelvingrove Park heard a mother call her daughter over and firmly tell her to put on sunscreen. The daughter dubiously picked up the tube, read the label and asked: “Factor 50? What’s in it when you squeeze it out? A blanket?” And for sheer daftness, Geraint Griffith says: “I hope my neighbours have a barbecue soon or I’m going to look rather stupid with all this salmon on my washing line.”
A READER swears to us he heard a wee lad in a park ask his dad: “Can I get an ice cream?”
“If you’re good,” said the dad.
“Good at what?” asked the boy.
“Buying your own ice cream,” he was told.
A READER hears a woman in a Glasgow coffee shop explain to her pals: “The young girl in the hairdresser’s was talking about her wedding and saying rather rudely that she didn’t want any fat bridesmaids. It took all my effort not to lean over and say, ‘Why? Do you not want any competition?’”
MODERN life explained by Liz Hackett, who says: “Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.”
TODAY’S daftness comes from Pete Firman, who says: “I spent the last three days alone trying to learn escapology. I need to get out more.”
HONESTLY, it’s just a joke, and we have nothing against such a fine place, but Martin Morrison gets in touch to muse: “There are only a handful of words in the English language that contain the letter sequence ‘rrh’.
“I’ve listed a few. Gonorrhoea, diarrhoea, pyorrhoea and haemorrhoid. Oh, and Barrhead.”
A GLASGOW reader heard a philosopher in his local pub declare: “Nothing ruins your Friday like suddenly realising it’s Thursday.”
DAFT gag of the day comes from a Lenzie reader who says: “My girlfriend says that sex is better when you are on your holidays.
“Well, that’s a postcard I wasn’t expecting.”
WE don’t often make political points in The Diary but we pass on the observation by Karl Sharro, who says: “Under communism, you buy everything from a single state outlet, whereas under fully mature capitalism you buy everything from Amazon.”
DAFT gag of the day comes from a Milngavie reader who emails: “Went into a shop and said I wanted to buy stockings for the wife. ‘Sheer?’ the assistant asked. ‘No, she’s at home,’ I replied. ‘Does it matter?’”
TODAY’S piece of daftness comes from a Baillieston reader, who emails: “Our local Co-op was broken into last night and two dozen cases of Red Bull were stolen. I don’t know how these people sleep at night.”
GOOD to see the introduction of minimum alcohol pricing in Scotland this week, despite daft claims it will lead to booze trips across to England to stock up on gut-rot cider.
A reader in Glasgow’s city centre yesterday heard a young woman coming out of a newsagent’s shop and asking her pal: “Has minimum pricing also kicked in on chocolate? I mean, 75p for a Wispa!”