DOMINIC stared at the computer screen, not seeing any of the words written there. All he could see was Ian Scott’s face, the shock and horror mingling there when he’d learned that his father was dead. The way he’d blamed himself for the accident.
A feeling Dominic knew well: one he’d lived with for more than two years. He too had been in an emergency room while someone he loved had been in Resus, wired up to monitors. Thankfully Oliver had been so fit that his body had been able to cope with the trauma and his heart hadn’t given out. Dominic knew he was lucky that Oliver was still alive, but he also knew that his brother, despite the brave face he put on it, was in pain every single day—and it had taken months of hard work to get him to the point where he was now.
He was still brooding when there was a knock on his door. He lifted his head. ‘Louisa.’
‘Don’t say a word. Just drink it.’ She handed him a mug.
He took a sip of what he discovered was disgustingly sweet tea, and gagged. ‘Thank you for the thought, but this is—’
‘Disgusting, I know, but shut up and drink it,’ she cut in. ‘Essie just told me you almost never lose a patient in Resus and you take it twice as hard as everyone else. She doesn’t know why, but I think I do, so just drink it.’
It was drink it or talk—so, despite the fact that he loathed the stuff, he drank the hot, sweet tea.
‘It’s brought everything back to you, hasn’t it?’ she asked gently. ‘Being in Resus with your brother.’
There was no point in lying. ‘Yes.’
‘We see lots of people in here whose car has hit a patch of black ice and they’ve lost control. Even really experienced drivers struggle on ice.’ She paused. ‘So you don’t blame Ian for the accident.’
‘No, of course not. He’s just a kid. He hadn’t even been driving that long.’
‘Can you hear yourself?’ she asked softly. ‘You could be talking about yourself. What happened with Oliver was an accident, too.’
‘An accident that should never have happened. That wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been trying to prove a point.’
‘But you don’t know that, Dominic. Jousting’s dangerous. It could’ve happened anyway.’ She shook her head. ‘It’s time you let go and stopped trying to be perfect.’
Perfect? She had to be kidding. He knew he was very, very far from perfect.
‘You’re human. Are you going to beat yourself up for losing Mr Scott—even though he had multiple injuries and the senior consultant wouldn’t have been able to save him either?’
‘I hardly ever lose a patient.’
‘I know you go above and beyond, Dominic. And I know why you do it—you’re still trying to make up for what happened with your brother. But you’re going to have to come to terms with the fact that nothing you do will ever be able to change the past. All you can do is move on and make the future a better one. You’re still crucifying yourself—and it’s hurting those who love you as well as hurting you. It’s time you moved on.’
Her words hit him on the raw, and he couldn’t help lashing out. ‘You’re a fine one to talk.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘The way you’ve been, this last couple of weeks. I know you’re worried sick about Ty, so I’ve tried to give you some space, but you’ve been sticking up a brick wall between us. You’re blaming yourself for the accident—you think it’s your fault, and just because you asked me to stay over it’s some kind of cosmic payback. That you have to decide between having your son or having a relationship.’
She didn’t say a word: she just stared at him, looking stricken.
‘I know your ex was a self-centred bastard who didn’t deserve you or his son, but that doesn’t mean that all men are going to be the same. It doesn’t mean that you can’t lean on me in case I let you down, because I never would. I’ve tried to be there for you without pushing you too hard—and that’s the only reason why I haven’t kissed you properly since the accident—but you’re not going to let me close again, are you?’ He shook his head, suddenly really angry. ‘You’ve decided you know what’s best for everyone. And you’re not going to give anyone the chance to have a say in it, are you? You’re playing God with everyone’s emotions—Tyler’s and mine as well as your own—and it’s not fair.’
Her face went white. She didn’t say a word, just walked out.
And what made it worse was that she didn’t slam the door; she closed it quietly.
The anger within him died as fast as it had risen, and Dominic raked a hand through his hair. Hell, he’d really hurt her. He hadn’t meant to do that; he’d just lashed out because she’d caught him on the raw. And, although what he’d said to her was true, he could’ve found a more tactful way of saying it.
He needed to apologise. Now.
Quickly, he logged off the computer and went to find her, but she’d already left.
He called her mobile phone, and a recorded voice informed him that her phone was switched off.
Which meant she was probably driving; and he knew exactly where she was going. Home to her little boy.
He rang the stables. ‘Ric, I’m not going to make it tonight. Can Andy exercise Pegasus for me, please?’
‘Sure. Is something wrong? Anything I can do?’
‘Work,’ Dominic lied. Something was wrong, but his best friend wouldn’t be able to help with this one. This was something he needed to do himself. And he had no idea whether Louisa would even talk to him tonight, let alone open her heart and be honest with him—but he had to try.
It was too late for a florist to be open, so he went to supermarket and bought an armful of the nicest flowers he could find and then to the stationery superstore nearby and bought pencils and a sketchpad for Tyler. When he parked on the road near Louisa’s house, he couldn’t see her mother’s car, so it meant that Gillian had gone home. Good. He liked Louisa’s parents—a lot—but what he had to say was for Louisa’s ears only.
He rang the doorbell and waited. Finally, she opened the door, and frowned when she saw him. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘Several things. You know I promised Tyler I’d call in and see him every day to play chess with him, and I don’t break my promises.’ He handed her the flowers. ‘And these are for you. An apology. I lashed out at you in the office and it wasn’t fair of me. What you said…you were right. I’m trying to be perfect and I’m trying to make up for what I did to Oliver—and I can’t do either.’
She looked wary. ‘I didn’t mean to be quite so harsh with you. And I’m sorry for walking out.’
‘I think it’s time we talked,’ he said softly. ‘Properly. And we need to be honest with each other.’
‘Have you eaten?’
He shrugged. ‘I’m not hungry.’
‘Mum made a huge batch of chilli. It’s in the fridge; I can heat some through for you.’
‘No, you’re fine.’ He paused. ‘Can I see Tyler now, before he goes to sleep—and then we’ll talk?’
‘OK.’
To his relief, she let him in. He spent a while playing chess with Tyler, talking to him about horses and admiring the pictures he’d drawn that day. And Tyler was delighted when Dominic gave him the sketchbook and pencils. ‘I’ll draw you on Pegasus.’
‘I’d really like that,’ Dominic said, meaning it.
‘When I’m better, can we go swimming again?’ Tyler asked.
‘Sure we can.’ Dominic smiled at him.
‘And can I go back to the stables?’
A good question: and one he knew Louisa had been avoiding. He couldn’t make the decision for her: it simply wasn’t his place. ‘You need to ask your mum that, not me,’ he said gently. He stroked the fuzz of Tyler’s hair, which had been shaved for the operation and was now starting to grow back. ‘Time to get some rest, sweetheart. I’ll send your mum up to give you a kiss goodnight.’
‘Goodnight, Dominic.’ Tyler hugged him. ‘Love you.’
All the air whooshed out of Dominic’s lungs. He couldn’t say a word; he just hugged the little boy tightly back.
This was what it felt like to be a father.
He’d had no idea. No idea at all. It wasn’t something he’d ever thought about, either before the accident, when he’d dated a string of gorgeous women, or afterwards, when he’d been too racked with guilt to think about anything else.
But now he knew. And it blew him away. This was something bigger than he’d ever felt in his life. That special feeling of knowing that you’d tackle any hurdle to make the child’s life easier, no matter what it took; that you wanted to see him grow up into a man you’d be proud to call your friend. A fierce kind of protectiveness, mingled with fear and awe and wonder.
And then it really hit him.
He’d lay down his life for Tyler and Louisa.
And he wanted to be a family with them.
He wanted to be there for a whole string of firsts—Ty’s first day at senior school, his first girlfriend, the day his exam results came through, his first driving lesson. All of it, the good and the bad—and even the tough times wouldn’t be so tough because they’d be a family and they’d be there for each other.
Though whether Louisa would believe in him enough to let him do that was a whole different issue.
‘Love you, too,’ he said when he could finally speak again. ‘Sleep tight.’
He found Louisa in the kitchen. ‘Tyler’s about to go to sleep—I said I’d send you up to give him a kiss goodnight.’
‘OK. I’ll go up now.’
Her eyes were huge with worry. About her son? Or about what he wanted to talk to her about? He cupped her face in his hands—and how good it felt to have her skin against his again. ‘You’re panicking,’ he said softly. ‘Don’t. I’m not going to rant and rave. But we do need to talk. How about I make us both a coffee while you’re tucking Tyler in?’
‘Thanks. That’d be good.’
She returned to the kitchen just as he’d added milk to their coffee. ‘Are you sure about the chilli?’
This wasn’t just her natural hospitality, he knew. It was an avoidance tactic. ‘I’m perfectly sure.’ He looked at her. ‘All I want to do is hold you, Louisa.’
‘That’s not a good idea.’ She sat down at the kitchen table.
And he had a pretty good idea why: she was putting a physical barrier between them as well as a mental one. ‘So I was right. You are backing off from me.’
‘Tyler’s still young. He needs stability in his life. I can’t…’ She shook her head and swallowed. ‘This is a mess.’
‘You’re saying you dare not have a relationship in case it works out and he feels let down—as he was by his father?’
She closed her eyes. ‘That’s part of it. Which sounds so cowardly.’
‘No, you’re right to protect him—Tyler’s only eight. He does need stability.’ He paused. ‘But you and I—we agreed we’d keep what’s happening between us to ourselves until we knew where this was taking us. So we’re no threat to his stability.’ He paused. ‘You said that was part of it. What’s the rest?’
She dragged in a breath. ‘It sounds ridiculous.’
‘I can’t read your mind,’ he said softly. Though he had a pretty good idea what was haunting her.
‘Wanting you and Tyler. It’s greedy. Wanting it all.’
‘No. It’s perfectly normal. A child and a relationship.’ He took a risk. ‘It’s called being a family.’
She said nothing, and he couldn’t read her expression at all. OK. One of them was going to have to be brave and call it. Clearly it was going to be him. ‘Louisa, the accident happened. It has nothing to do with the fact that you asked me to stay over, that we were planning to make love together for the first time that night. It wasn’t some kind of message to you saying that you had to give me up. It wasn’t someone saying that you have to choose between us.’ Had her husband given her that kind of ultimatum? Or had he simply rejected them both? Whatever, Louisa was clearly still hurting. ‘You don’t have to choose between me and your son. I know you come as a package. And I happen to want both parts of that package—you and Tyler.’
She cupped her hands round her mug. ‘I don’t know what to say.’
He could tell her what Tyler had said to him that evening, but he knew that would influence her decision. And he needed to know that she wanted him for himself, not just because her son had grown close to him. ‘If you’ve decided that seeing me is a mistake because now you’ve got to know me better you realise you don’t like me, or you don’t find me attractive enough to go to bed with me, then fair enough. I won’t be particularly thrilled about it—because I like you and I most definitely want to go to bed with you—but I’ll accept your decision and I’ll try my hardest to treat you professionally at work and be polite and friendly at the stables.’ He held her gaze. ‘But no other reason is good enough, Louisa. Be very clear about that.’
She dragged in a breath. ‘You’re pushing me, Dominic.’
‘I know. And I’m going to keep pushing.’ He wouldn’t let her look away. ‘Louisa. I like you. More than like you. And I need to know how you feel about me.’
Panic flittered across her face. ‘This whole thing scares me. Before the accident, I thought I wanted to take things between us further.’
‘That’s what I wanted, too. So what’s changed, apart from the accident?’
‘I…’ She shook her head in apparent frustration. ‘I know what you just said, and logically I know you’re right, but I can’t get it out of my head. I keep thinking that it was karma. That if I hadn’t wanted you so much, it wouldn’t have happened.’
‘That really isn’t true.’ He paused. ‘Though I get where you’re coming from. I’ve spent two years believing that it was my fault that Oliver had the accident, because I really wanted to prove I was better than him at something. I went over and over in my mind what happened: was the way I jousted against him any different from the way I jousted against anyone else?’
‘Was it?’ she asked.
‘Probably not,’ he admitted, ‘but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get the doubt out of my head. Or the guilt.’
‘And it stopped you having a relationship with anyone.’
‘Before the accident, I was too busy playing and enjoying life to settle down. Afterwards…I blamed myself for what happened and I didn’t feel I deserved a relationship,’ he said. ‘Until you. You reached me in the way nobody else could. And when you asked me to stay over that night—it was like my birthday and Christmas and every red-letter day rolled into one. I wanted you just as much as you wanted me.’ He paused. ‘As far as I’m concerned, nothing’s changed. I still want you. But I know you’ve been worried sick about Ty and I didn’t want to push you and make you feel that you had to split yourself between us. That’s the only reason I’ve been holding back. Not because I changed my mind.’
‘You’ve been very patient. Thank you.’ She bit her lip. ‘But I don’t know where we go from here.’
‘Let me make it easier for you. We’ll start with a question and I want a one-word answer. Do you like me—yes or no?’
‘Yes,’ she whispered.
‘I like you, too. I want to see you, and I think you want to see me—but you’re scared that it’s all going to go wrong. That you’re going to get hurt. That Ty’s going to get hurt.’
She nodded.
‘I don’t have any cast-iron guarantees,’ he said softly. ‘But I would never intentionally hurt you or Tyler. So that’s a start. And it feels like years since I held you—and I miss you. Louisa, please?’
Just when he thought she was going to refuse, she scraped her chair back and walked round to his side of the table. He pushed his chair back, scooped her onto his lap and held her close, resting his forehead on her shoulder so he could breathe in her scent. ‘Louisa. I’ve missed this so much.’
‘I’ve missed it, too,’ she said shakily.
He lifted his head, then looked her straight in the eye. He could see longing mixed with fear and confusion. He didn’t know how to take the fear away. Or the confusion. But the longing—he could do something about that.
Slowly, gently, he touched his lips to hers. A gentle, sweet, reassuring kiss.
But once wasn’t enough.
And then she was kissing him back and it was as if someone had lit touchpaper. Her hands were in his hair, his mouth was jammed over hers, and somehow his hands had slid under the hem of her top and his palms were flat against her soft, soft skin. He could feel the peaks of her nipples against his chest, and he knew that, sitting on his lap, she’d be just as aware of his own arousal.
When he broke the kiss, they were both shaking.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I didn’t mean to come on so strong. I…’ No. If he told her exactly how he felt, he knew he’d scare her away. He had to be patient for just a little longer. Take it slowly. ‘I’m sorry,’ he repeated.
‘It wasn’t just you,’ she admitted.
Hope flared. ‘So this thing between us—we’re still seeing where it takes us?’
‘As long as Tyler comes first.’
He brushed a kiss against her mouth. ‘Of course he will. And I’ll try to be patient. We’ll wait until he gets back on his feet before we take it further between us.’ There was something else he wanted to ask her, but not yet. They needed a little time. Time for her to trust her instincts again and let him as close as he’d been before the accident. ‘I’d better go now. While my good intentions still have control of me.’ He moistened suddenly dry lips with the tip of his tongue. ‘I want you. Very, very badly. And I think we both know it could happen right here, right now.’
Her eyes were huge. ‘Yes.’
‘But it’s not going to. The first time between us—I want it to be special. When Tyler’s staying overnight with his grandparents and neither of us is going to be worrying about him. When we have the time and space to focus on each other, just for a little while.’ He stroked her face. ‘I want it to be something we both remember. For the rest of our days.’