Chapter 3
I was feeling restless again. Perhaps I needed to travel—it had helped in the past. Meeting new people was always wonderful but I still felt so lonely sometimes.
Morning sun filtered through the glossy leaves and into my sleeping space, creating a warm hazy glow. The branches above me stretched apart a little to let it through. Amongst the leaves, pale mauve flowers yawned at the sun. I loved this tree. Wistfully I traced my finger down the edge of Bane’s face. The photo was beginning to fade, it hadn’t coped well with the damp air. If only I hadn’t let it get so crumpled the first time I had come here. What would I do when it was too damaged to look at? It was already so hard to remember details. I knew I was losing memories of my earlier life far too quickly. Like a bookshelf with open ends, the faster I grabbed at the new experiences that Eden offered and stacked them on the shelf, the faster my memories toppled, unremarked, from the other end in order to accommodate them. Sometimes I tried really hard to remember, but all I had were disjointed bits and pieces from my childhood. Often they didn’t make sense and I would realise I was remembering scenes from a TV show or a book. Even the real memories felt like they weren’t mine. Except for Bane.
Closing my eyes, I remembered the time he’d crashed the tractor into the fence post in the lambing paddock, and the time I’d put the rubber snake in the shed and scared the kajeebies out of him. I remembered him playing the old piano in our lounge room, complaining about how out of tune it was. With a deep breath I let myself remember the feel of his arms around me when we’d danced at our graduation, when the other girls had glared in open-mouthed astonishment. I even remembered the surge of jealousy I’d felt when he and Tessa had gone for a walk alone to talk about Guardian business. Although jealousy had no place in Eden, I still remembered how it felt. The memories hurt, and yet I couldn’t make myself let them go. How easy it would be just to eat the honey-sweet Living Fruit again and forget the pain. Perhaps then I could move on.
I’d monitored the Trees of Life carefully after I ate the first time. The one I’d eaten from had wilted at first, terrifying me so much that I hadn’t been game to go near one again despite the urgings from my new friends. Thankfully it had soon recovered. Then came the day I’d joined in a game of running with the herd of giant lizards. What a thrill to race them along the valley like we were part of the pack. They were one of the few herds that us two-legged creatures could almost keep up with. Except that I’d caught my foot on a rock and fallen so badly I’d fractured my femur. Not one lizard had trampled me, but I’d been in enough pain that I’d let someone feed me another piece of Fruit. Although the Tree that time had barely shown any ill-effects, I’d still made a pact with myself to try to avoid the more dangerous activities from then on.
The Trees were the source of Life in the Garden. Their protection was one of the reasons humans had been exiled from the Garden in the first place—that and the fact that it would be a very bad idea for corrupt humans to be able to live forever. Keeping the Trees safe was the main reason Cherubim had been assigned to keep the tainted from returning, so it seemed ironic that Annie and I were the only ones who could damage them. Deep down I knew why, but I didn’t like to dwell on it. I’d figured out that there was only one sickness that my mother and I suffered from that no one else here did, and that was shame. Living Fruit was never designed to deal with that. All it could do was help me to forget the things that caused it, and so I’d embraced the forgetting—except that I was still reluctant to risk eating again. It was so tempting though … If the Fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil had tasted half as delicious, then I could see why everything went to poo all those years ago. And the taste of it wasn’t even the most tempting part.
It no longer worried me that I couldn’t remember arriving in Eden. Noah and Annie had told me not to worry about it and I had seen Dallmin in pain enough times to know I probably wouldn’t like remembering what had happened to me anyway. A few times, when I’d first arrived, Noah had tried to convince me to cross back to Nalong, but I was too scared. I already missed Bane so much that it hurt to breathe sometimes. If I saw him again I would have no hope of letting him go, and I had to. I knew that. He was dead. Like everyone else I’d left behind, the patterns that his soul made were tangled and unable to grow properly. A clean break was best for both of us, so I’d forced myself to let him go when I had the chance.
Distracted by the feel of something tickling my cheek, I brushed it with my fingertips. It was wet. There was a shiny teardrop on my finger. The Trees were producing red Fruit this month. I had been told it was especially good for feeling peaceful when it was red. Perhaps I had forgotten enough now that I could try it without poisoning the Trees. I looked at Bane’s photo again. It was getting harder to decide what to do.
The food preparation area was a central location for our community. Each of the trees here were as tall as a mountain ash, and they were bunched together along a flat patch of the valley floor. A canopy of thick branches formed an impossibly convenient roof that never ceased to challenge my year twelve biology training. How did all the branches start at such a consistent height above the ground and intertwine so neatly? And given that they did such an incredible job at keeping most of the rain out, how did the tree roots get enough water? There was a stream flowing through the centre of the natural hall, so perhaps that helped the trees in the middle a bit.
I was still craning my neck upward when my mother slipped her hand into mine and tugged me into a welcoming hug, saving me from inadvertently hugging one of the tree trunks instead.
‘Annie,’ I greeted as I breathed in the scent of her hair. I had never accustomed myself to calling her ‘mother’. She looked to be my own age—perhaps a few years older—and hadn’t been around throughout my childhood. She’d moved to Eden when I was four years old, and I’d only found her again when I finished school. Getting to know Annie Gracewood was a delight and a privilege, but she felt more like a long-lost sister than a mother to me.
She let me go, smiling, and led me to where she’d been sitting and shelling peas, so I sat down next to her and grabbed a handful. It was a relaxing thing to do. The feel of the crisp shells popping open to reveal the tiny baby plants inside was strangely addictive. I liked peas. They were innocent. They suited Eden.
‘Someone’s coming,’ she told me in English. ‘Can’t you feel it?’
We didn’t often speak English unless we were talking about the other side of the Boundary, so I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate. There was something tenuous … a presence, approaching from the north. Not from across the Boundary, but from within Eden—and not a threat. I didn’t understand. Usually I only felt someone’s presence if they were too close to the cave, so I could go and distract them from being too interested. Even then, it never felt anything like the urgency I used to feel on the other side if somebody came too close. I’d been wondering whether that meant we shouldn’t stop people crossing over if they really wanted to go. There were no rules in Eden. No right or wrong. If someone had a desire to do something, then I desired it too. Conflict didn’t fit here.
‘How can we feel someone so far away?’ I queried, selecting another handful of peas to shell.
‘We can sense other Cherubim, if we pay attention,’ she explained, juggling four peas at once and then tossing them one by one into my open mouth. ‘So this person approaching must be a Cherub.’
Something felt very wrong about that but I couldn’t quite put the pieces of my memory back together enough to know why it disturbed me so much. I pushed into the discomfort. It felt important to remember and after a minute of thinking hard about it, something clicked. ‘Two Cherubim in each generation only,’ I insisted.
‘That’s right,’ she agreed, ‘and yet we are both here.’
She was messing with me. Making me figure it out.
‘So this Cherub is of another generation?’
She nodded, with a soft laugh, and refused to elaborate, so I just continued to shell the peas. I would find out soon enough.
Music that was full of the soothing energy of the autumn sun echoed throughout the Garden. Everyone played or sang. I was learning to play a flute-like instrument and was slowly improving. The others were very patient with ‘Shaky-Tune Lainie’, considering they’d all been practising for centuries. All of them indulged me like a child learning the recorder, except they never tried to find any lame excuses not to listen. My dancing was a bit better. I was no longer in the least bit worried about how I looked in front of others, which made it much more fun than ever before. I spun and skipped and twirled and laughed, even throwing in some gymnastics my new family had taught me. I wasn’t quite as daring as they were though, because I couldn’t afford to get seriously injured. The few times I had hurt myself I’d needed solitude to recover so I wouldn’t be pestered by people offering me Fruit. They always got so confused whenever I refused to eat.
When the music twisted into an even more rollicking tune, I joined in one of the more organised dances. This one had steps I had learnt. It was extremely complicated, which was what made it so much fun. We swapped partners every couple of minutes and sometimes someone would think of a new sequence and we would all madly try to learn it, laughing at ourselves when we got it wrong. As Dallmin swung me around I noticed someone new out of the corner of my eye. He had light hair and pale skin, which was a little unusual for this valley, although not unheard of. Remembering what Annie had said about someone new arriving, I tried to feel if he had some sort of an aura that I could perceive with my cool preternatural Cherub-detector. All I had to do was focus on his vibe while keeping up with the slide-step-and-spin tempo shift while changing my grip from my dance partner’s shoulder to his elbow … Luckily Dallmin caught me before I hit the floor.
The newcomer was not the person I’d been sensing, but I was still curious. He watched me with sparkling blue eyes as he tried to learn the steps. Although quick on his feet, he wasn’t just trying to learn the newest variation but the whole sequence at once. I giggled as he spun the wrong way, colliding with us in a predictable misstep. Both Dallmin and I gripped the stranger’s elbows and guided him out of further harm’s way by keeping him moving along with the fast-paced flow of dancers. Dallmin placed my hands around the man’s waist and then demonstrated the steps for him again. The visitor looked pleased with himself when he got it right in the next progression. Dallmin nodded and then grabbed hold of Annie’s hand as she swung past us and she spun into his arms with a laugh. I danced with the stranger through another sequence, but when it came time to swap partners again the guy didn’t let me go. We stopped dancing and I blinked at him. He kissed the inside of my wrist in a formal greeting, and then led me from the dance floor. Curious, I followed him out. I liked meeting new people.
Heading away from all the noise, the stranger took me up to the top of a grassy hill where we sat and looked up at the stars.
‘Pallano,’ he said in a sweet husky voice, hand to his chest.
‘Lainie,’ I replied, still puffing from all the dancing.
‘Lainie,’ he repeated. Narrow path.
I had no idea my name meant anything, but ‘narrow path’ seemed appropriate for the way my life had funnelled me toward my destiny. It made me smile.
‘Pallano?’ I asked, drawing my knees up.
It means new moon, he signed, pointing to the moon. It wasn’t new. It was almost full. Again I wondered how much time had passed since I had come here.
Still catching my breath, I lay back and stared at the stars. They looked the same as they did in Nalong. All the familiar constellations waved at me happily. I guessed that meant we were still on Earth, or some alternate version of it, anyway.
You dance well, Pallano said with an adorable smile, watching me with an open expression as I pretended to watch the sky.
Thank you. It’s fun. Would you like to go back and dance some more? I could teach you, I signed.
He shook his head. I would like to talk to you some more.
Propping myself up on one elbow, I tilted my head at him and waited for him to speak first.
You were not here the last time I visited this valley. Are you a new child or did you come from far away? he asked.
It was a common question. For people who lived for such a long time it was unusual to meet someone new unless they travelled very far.
Both, I guess. Sort of. How was I supposed to explain? I didn’t try. I haven’t been here for long, I replied. I had learnt early on that even Annie was still considered a fresh new arrival, despite well over a decade of residence. My short time here was nothing. Has it been a long time since you were here last? I asked.
Not really. I travel a lot. I follow the moon shadows.
Moonshadow? Like the Cat Stevens song? A giggle escaped my lips as I had a sudden vision of him dressed in hippie clothes. Maybe I could tie-dye something for him. Composing myself quickly, I had to ask. What are moon shadows?
With a gigantic grin he lay back and pointed at the moon again. That is a moon shadow. Watch closely, it is beginning.
I mentally kicked myself for being so slow as I stared up in wonder. The moon wasn’t almost full, as I had first thought—it was completely full, except for the shadow that had been creeping over its surface as we talked. Pallano had come outside to view a lunar eclipse, and his timing was impeccable.
Sometimes this world casts a shadow on the moon, and I think it is beautiful. This valley is one of the best places to see them, so I watch many of them from here, he continued. He crossed his fingers behind his head.
How did you know it would happen tonight? I asked. The calculations for predicting eclipses were seriously complex, as far as I knew.
Pallano shrugged. There is a rhythm to them. Not difficult to work out. You just need to pay attention for a few decades and you will soon see the pattern. In forty-five more season cycles the glow-star will visit again, and in just two hundred and four more cycles the sun will be completely shadowed. I will return here for that one I think.
Oh. Right. Long lives. Still not used to it.
He turned to me with a cheeky smile. When you watch the sun shadow, hold some Fruit. Last time I watched, my eyes burned and I ran straight into a Tree trying to find some. It was pretty funny.
When I watch. In two hundred and four years’ time. The next total solar eclipse. Oh boy.
For a long time we just lay there as the moon slowly deepened to a reddish glow. I had read once that the dustier the Earth’s atmosphere was, the deeper red the moon would appear, and that a volcanic eruption prior to an eclipse would make it redder. Were there any volcanoes on this side of the Boundary? Or did the volcanoes on the other side still affect the moon we were seeing now? Would pollution on the other side affect the atmosphere here in any way? What would happen if the people here ever discovered space flight? Would they pass through some Boundary in the sky and not be able to return? And why did my brain always wander off on these weird tangents?
Pallano leant on his elbow watching me, not the moon, and I started to feel strange. Not uncomfortable, exactly, just unsure of what to do. I never questioned the motivations of anyone in Eden. Everyone here was completely trustworthy, but something was making me … nervous?
With a twitch of a smile he picked up a lock of my untidy hair and tucked it behind my ear. His touch came with a sudden flashback of Bane doing the exact same thing, and I sat up so rapidly that I nearly knocked him out with my elbow. Pallano looked amused, probably wondering what new game I was about to suggest. My heart was beating a million miles an hour. He smiled again, showing his dimples, and I stared back in confusion. He would be fun to learn about. Why was I so uneasy? I didn’t enjoy feeling like this. It was messy. So I stood up and left him alone on the hill and ran toward my sleeping tree. With a last glance back, I saw him watching me. His expression was wistful, but not hurt.
The streamlet meandered toward the river, calling me to follow it, but in my usual contrary fashion I headed upstream instead, keeping my attention on the lush vegetation growing near its edge. Some little tug made me want to see the dead Tree. I’d first seen it another lifetime ago and it hadn’t changed. Its willowy branches had all broken off, leaving a silvery trunk and a couple of jagged limbs, making it look like a trendy freeway sculpture. As always, it made me shudder to think that if, as a Cherub, Annie’s few slips into temptation had killed this one Tree so quickly, then what damage would a single tainted human do to the species? If it was possible to have nightmares in Eden, that would have been mine.
Annie had stopped eating the Living Fruit once Harry had told her that she had caused the damage. Nothing was worth that, not ever. No one in Eden ever suffered from Annie’s sort of malady. Her ailment came from events that could never happen on this golden side of the boundary, which was why us ‘outsiders’ were the only ones who could sicken the Trees like this.
Abstaining from the healing power of the Fruit had been hard on my mother. Too often I’d found her sitting by the river, hugging her knees and holding back tears so the others wouldn’t see. I’d done my best to comfort her and hoped maybe I’d helped a little. Over time, the music of the river had lost its sadness, as if her grief had been washed away. The Tree had not recovered.
An unusually wise part of me suggested that maybe she needed more than the Fruit to heal her. Maybe she needed to work through her grief before she could move on. Perhaps that was what I needed too. If I’d been on the other side of the Boundary I probably would have been advised to seek professional counselling. Not that I would have been able to talk about Eden to anyone. Even here I felt uncomfortable talking about the other side. Except with Annie. And I didn’t want to talk to her about Bane because she still struggled to even think about the Guardians. I would have to find someone else.
My hand trembled a bit when I laid it on the smooth hard trunk of the dead Tree. It looked lonely, like me. It had no leaves and yet still had its own stark beauty. My memories of Bane were the same. They were addictively beautiful, but could no longer bear fruit.
A few days later I received one of the biggest surprises I’d had in a long time. Annie and I were sitting against a tree eating lunch, watching Hollie learn to canter in circles around her patient mother and less patient fellow herd members, when a grey and white streak came bounding through the grass and bowled me over.
The dog answered by sticking his wet nose in my ear and then rolling onto his back for a belly scratch.
Bungee had been one of the two sheep dogs we’d trained up to work over the last few years, both of whom had just run off and never returned. When we’d gone back to the dog breeders for the third time in four years, they’d asked us a whole lot of questions about how we treated our animals. Harry had intervened and reassured them that they were always very spoilt, and they’d believed him. Everyone trusted Harry. I wondered how Aunt Lily was going training up the new pups he’d ordered.
‘Well, aren’t you a clever boy?’ I told the Australian Koolie, scratching his ribs with both hands. ‘You found your way to Eden before I even knew it existed. But you were supposed to help us with the sheep, you slacker.’
Bungee didn’t look at all sorry. No sense of shame at all, which was probably why it wasn’t a problem that he was here. He rolled over to give Annie the honour of being allowed to scratch his belly as well, one pale blue eye laughing.
‘Nayn must be here,’ she said, pulling at Bungee’s ears. ‘He always seems to have a dog following him around. I had a feeling it was Nayn approaching. After a while, we can learn what people feel like.’
‘Nayn is the Cherub we’ve been sensing?’
‘You’re going to love him, Lainie.’
Sure enough, a few minutes later the old Cherub walked toward us across the meadow, stopping to scratch the zebra mare’s withers along the way. With weathered dark skin and sparkling eyes he looked much more like a traditional Aboriginal Elder than Harry ever had. Maybe if this guy had been my wise mentor, I would have taken things a bit more seriously. His white hair looked out of place here, but he had a bounce in his step that made me think he would have no trouble keeping up with the youthful locals.
Unlike the wise mentors of the movies, however, the man came straight up to me and hugged me so hard that my spine cracked. He started to speak to me out loud, but I couldn’t understand a word so I signed to him instead. With unreserved laughter he signed back that he had forgotten that language on the Other Side would change. He introduced himself as Nayn. He lived a long way from the Gateway, as he called it, and had felt the presence of a new Cherub and had come to meet me. He’d already met Annie years ago and she greeted him as an old friend.
As we sat and ate together, Nayn explained that he had once been a Sentinel on the other side, and had come to Eden shortly after his Guardian had crossed over. She had been old and very tired. So tired that one day she just didn’t wake up. He left his only son to lead the community and had come to Eden. He had never gone back. I asked if it had made him sad. Except that I had no sign for sad. I made one up. He knew what I meant.
She was ready to cross over. It was not a sad thing, but I still miss her.
I asked whether he ate the Fruit to make himself feel better.
No. Not for that. Our kind must be careful of the reasons why we eat. For years I longed to show my Guardian all the beautiful things here. She assured me that she already saw this perfection reflected in every rock and tree. She always insisted that one day she would scout a new land ahead of me, so that when I joined her she would be the one to show me around. Her crossing was as much of a celebration as any crossing here. That dark whisper that tried to tell me otherwise never had a hold on me. I never felt the temptation to forget any of it. As I keep telling Annie, forgetting is not healing. His wise brown eyes looked over at my mother. She was climbing a tree with Dallmin, who had noticed Bungee running through the eating area and followed him to come and say hello. She is starting to heal now, Nayn smiled.
Astonished, I looked again at my friend Dallmin with the curly hair and flying addiction. He was cradling her as he helped her down from the tree. Annie was laughing with him like a schoolgirl. Was it possible to be happy with someone else after losing your Guardian? She certainly looked happier when she was with him than at any other time. I asked Nayn.
Cherubim and their Guardians have a life-bond. While both are alive it cannot be broken but when one is gone, the bond no longer holds. Then we are able to find another partner, but it is not the same.
Bane is gone, and our bond is broken, so why do I feel so uncomfortable at the thought of finding another? I feel so lonely and yet I don’t want to connect that way.
He patted me on the shoulder with one hand while he nicked my vegetable tart right off my plate and stuffed it into his mouth before I could react. When you discover what it is that you desire the most, he signed, you will know why.