Chapter 26
My reflection looked back at me in disapproval as I checked myself in the mirror one last time. Aunt Lily had shoved me into a hot shower, explaining quite bluntly what I had done wrong. She hadn’t sounded cross, exactly, but I still felt bad. And confused. Nakedness was such a non-issue in Eden that I had to keep remembering that people here were affected by it in a primal way that my Eden friends weren’t. At least not often, and when they were it was regarded as a precious and exciting gift. Partnerships there lasted a lifetime, and in Eden that was saying something.
I would apologise to Noah and Tessa, but I had struggled at first to understand why Bane was so upset. I had thought I understood how he felt about me. What did he really want? Flickers of doubt had begun to invade my thoughts. Bane had told me we should take things slow and yet he hadn’t told me why. So I had asked Aunt Lily. Lots of things made much more sense now. I would apologise to Bane and try harder to avoid making him uncomfortable.
Fumbling a little, I buttoned up my shirt right to the top. I had no idea what the current fashions were, and really didn’t care, but it looked a bit silly even to me. Had I forgotten anything? My old jeans looked a bit loose, and yet still felt so constricting. I looked down at my feet in exasperation. My shoes were still down by the river. Somehow I would have to start keeping better track of my things. Possessions were such a hassle. How had I ever thought it was a good thing to keep collecting more stuff? It just meant more things to keep track of and stress over. The only things I’d had in Eden were my photos, and I couldn’t care less about them now that I had the real things. Only, did I have the real things? I still hadn’t seen the Ashbrees. They were in my photos, taken on Christmas Day a lifetime ago. All of us, squeezed together under the majestic rivergum on the lawn, with Noah’s dad, David, looking flustered as he’d raced to get into the picture before the timer went off. The picture had always bothered me but as usual, I tried not to dwell on it.
After giving my hair a quick brush to keep Aunt Lily happy, I bounced out of the bathroom to search for Bane. He was waiting for me in the lounge room, playing the piano.
I started to dance in time and then stopped myself so abruptly that I nearly tripped over the coffee table. Bane chuckled.
‘You can dance all you want, Lainie, don’t stop because of me,’ he said as he smoothly shifted the melody into a light Irish jig. The song suited a complex dance I knew but I resisted and sat next to him instead.
‘Aunt Lily told me why we have to control ourselves. It makes sense. We can’t have a baby yet.’ Then I gave him a mock slap on the shoulder, making him stop playing and flinch away in surprise. ‘Why didn’t you just tell me yourself?’ I reprimanded.
‘I know. You had a right to know. I was planning to say something, but I procrastinated because it was an awkward topic, and …’
He sighed. ‘And I was afraid that if you knew, you’d stop flirting with me. I didn’t want you to stop. It felt nice.’
Bane gave me a wry look. ‘I know I messed up, but do you have to look so smug about it?’
‘Not smug. Proud,’ I explained. ‘You’re finally learning to just tell me what you’re feeling, straight up, without trying to complicate it.’
‘I should have done that in the first place,’ he acknowledged.
‘Exactly. Took you the whole of high school to figure that out, and you still need reminding.’
A smile crept its way onto his face. That secret smile that I was certain no one else had ever seen.
Somehow I resisted the urge to devour it, and cleared my throat instead. ‘So I’ve been flirting more than I should? Sorry if I made things difficult for you.’
My Guardian turned the full force of his enormous grey eyes on me. They shone with such vibrant desire that my heart thumped in response. It was all I could do to remain still.
‘Don’t ever apologise for that,’ he said. ‘You’ve done nothing wrong. I’m the only one responsible for my own actions, and reactions. Please don’t stop doing whatever makes you happy. Especially if it involves flirting with me. I’ll be good. At least … until you give me permission not to be,’ he qualified, with another brief flash of his playful smile. He stroked my wrist with his fingertips. They were warm and gave my skin a delicious tingle.
Permission? Oh that was hard. How could I explain?
‘Bane, in Eden when one person craves something, your instinct is to crave for them to have it. And if for some reason you don’t, then you just make it clear and the other person naturally … realigns his desires to match. There is no conflict. And when two people want the same thing individually, the combined power of that mutual desire multiplies itself exponentially. Permission doesn’t need to come into it.’
He undid my top button, his fingers lingering on my throat as he thought about what I was trying to explain, and his touch made every single one of my skin cells pair up and start waltzing.
‘No conflict,’ he repeated, playing with one of my loose curls as if he could trick it into behaving. ‘So what you’re trying to tell me is that if we were in Eden now …’
My throat tightened and I couldn’t tell him that if we were in Eden, he would be lying on grass as soft as velvet, with warm mud smudged across his ankle and laughter in his eyes. No one would disturb us for as long as we chose, but they would leave us gifts of berries and nuts and sweet breads, scattered around where we could find them like a treasure hunt. We would dance to the song of the River and our bodies would hum in resonance with each other’s heartbeat. I would be able to—
I opened my eyes to see him grinning, so I did too.
‘If we were in Eden now,’ he said again, in a low voice, ‘we would spare no thought about consequences, because there are never any bad ones?’
All I could manage was a nod as I savoured the feel of his touch on my collarbone and wondered how hard it would be for him to heal me if my heart kept up its tripped-up rhythm.
‘But we’re not in Eden,’ he said.
Our sighs were synchronised. ‘And so I will try to be more … sensible, for everyone’s sake,’ I promised.
He tilted his head, looking like he was trying to work out how to say something else, or perhaps ask a question, but just then we heard the front gate open.
Pressing my forehead against the half-open window, I watched Nicole arrive on her four-wheeler, with her dog, Blue, perched on the back. Wendy was running around them in circles, impatient for her playmate to jump down and join her. The two dogs pelted off across the lawn just as Noah appeared and gathered his sister into an enormous hug. She shrugged him off after just a couple of seconds, and didn’t notice me waving to her from the window.
‘Is Tim here?’ I heard her ask. ‘I thought he might like to see my new stud. He just arrived from Birchip this morning.’
Her brother scratched his temple. ‘Tim … Tim … oh, you mean the cute city guy who never set foot on a sheep farm before this week? Sorry, Nic, he had to go home. You know, back to his city life where he’s surrounded by city girls who wear dresses and high heels and fake eyelashes. I’ll let him know you want him to see your ram, though.’
She punched him hard on the shoulder.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Tessa leap from her armchair and stride down the hall. I had never seen a pregnant woman move so quickly. I stuck my head out the window again so I could watch as Tessa stopped just outside the front door to scowl at Noah. He threw her a sheepish apologetic smile.
‘Hi, Tess, how’s my nephew today? You ready for some dexa yet?’
Dexamethasone was a drug used for inducing labour in sheep. Trust Nicole to have had some on hand.
Tessa gave a short laugh. ‘I’ve been told that babies are much easier to look after when they’re on the inside, so I’m happy to keep him where he is for as long as possible, thanks. Maybe ask me again in a couple of weeks.’
‘Nicole!’ I called, but she didn’t hear me, so I started to head toward the front door. I couldn’t wait to catch up with my neighbour. She’d blossomed from the precocious tomboy I had known into a vibrant young woman. But Bane kept hold of my hand.
‘Lainie, wait. Before you go and get caught up with Nicole, I wanted to ask if you would like to come with me to see Mum. I haven’t had a chance to visit her yet and, well, I would really like her to see you.’
Mrs Millard who taught us music in primary school? He wanted me to visit his mum? Of course! I was entranced with the idea. I could see where he grew up. His house, his family, his bedroom. He had a whole childhood that I really knew nothing about, except from the skewed view of him I had known from school, and my memories from then were hazy at best. I wrapped my arms around his neck. ‘When can we go?’
‘The sooner the better. She gives piano lessons after school so it would be better to go now rather than wait. If you’re sure you’re ready.’
Ready? Oh. Was I likely to do something inappropriate? Should I wait a few more days to acclimatise a bit more first? I certainly didn’t need to embarrass him in front of his mum. New resolution: get back in the habit of running a quick inventory of what I was wearing. My jeans only had one hole in the left knee and my shirt was good enough without the top button done up. Of course, I still had bare feet. Did that matter?
‘Will she think I’m too weird?’
‘Of course not. You’re perfect. I just meant that it can be a bit daunting to meet your boyfriend’s mum for the first time, or so I’ve heard. I want to make certain you’re comfortable with the idea. Personally, I can’t wait to introduce you.’
‘Boyfriend?’ It was such a flippant term for what we had. ‘Okay, I’ll just say hi to Nicole first. Oh, and I need to get my shoes because I left them by the river again.’
Bane nodded, but a flash of apprehension crossed his face. Perhaps he was more nervous about me seeing his mum than he let on.
By the time I got to the front door, Dallmin had appeared and was admiring the ATV. Both dogs were jumping all over him, which made him laugh. Nicole wasn’t so impressed.
‘Blue! Down! What’s with you? Get off ‘im!’ she growled. Wendy ran off again, unrepentant, but Blue crouched low with her tail tucked. Dallmin looked shocked. He would never have seen anyone discipline an animal before. I winced as I realised it was just one more aspect of life here that he probably shouldn’t be exposed to, as harmless as it seemed.
‘Sorry, mate,’ she apologised, holding the dog by the collar. ‘She’s usually better behaved than that. I don’t know what her problem is. I’m Nicole. Noah’s sister.’ She held her hand out for him to shake and he took it and kissed the inside of her wrist, the way we sometimes did in Eden. To him it was a casual greeting and an automatic response to her introduction, but Nicole’s cheeks turned a deep red. Dallmin glanced at me to check if he should speak out loud. I nodded. No more rules. Rules were for the tainted. All that rules did were to make more rule-breakers. Dallmin didn’t need them. Aligning his desires to act in the best interest of the people around him was as natural to him as breathing, and I was determined to keep him that way.
‘Hi, Nicole, my name is Dallmin. May I ride on your car?’
She blinked, and then looked him over. A fresh smile accompanied a look of open admiration for what she saw. He did look good in Bane’s clothes, even if they were a bit loose on him.
‘Another city guy then, huh? Fine. Hop on, let me show you the difference between a car and an ATV. Can you can hold on with that sore hand? What did you—’
That was when she noticed me waiting to greet her, but my words were stifled by her frosty stare that lasted far too long. When she did look away, she seemed intent only on showing Dallmin where to hold on. Bane squeezed my hand as they drove off in a spray of muddy gravel, the two dogs racing along behind.
Something deep inside me screamed silently. No one had looked at me that way for years and I didn’t understand why she would. Had I misinterpreted something? A tiny voice, long suppressed, was telling me that I deserved it, but I didn’t know why. I felt sick to the stomach. Something was very wrong. Forgetting was not healing and I needed to remember … No. I didn’t want to.
Noah was watching me so attentively that he must have forgotten to blink because his eyes went all teary. ‘Lainie, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it. You remember how Nicole can be, don’t you?’
Everyone looked at me like they were waiting for me to do something.
I swallowed down my nerves. ‘Nicole can be temperamental. She ran away a lot,’ I recalled. The terror was subsiding, although my hands were still trembling. Everyone relaxed a bit. Bane held me until I was breathing normally again and when I straightened to compose myself I noticed Noah looking at Bane, who nodded slightly in return.
‘Are you still up for a visit to Mum’s place?’ Bane asked with his usual half smile. ‘She makes the best home-made sausage rolls, and we haven’t had lunch yet.’ They were trying to get me off the farm before Nicole came back. I had issues but I wasn’t stupid. I also wasn’t ready to argue about it so I nodded. Meeting his mum sounded like a much easier course of action and I was pretty hungry.
Beth Millard let me play her flute. A real metal one like Beltana’s. It was similar to hers although not as pretty, and the sound had a slightly shrill edge to it. My songs were far from perfect but I was pleased that I could remember them because memories were so easily messed up by the transition between worlds. I was even more pleased by Bane’s reaction. Smugness was not very Eden-like but I couldn’t help it when I saw his surprise.
Beth’s reaction was even better. She asked who had taught me but I couldn’t tell her. She seemed a little miffed, as if she was jealous that another teacher had encroached on her territory—apparently I should have come to her for lessons instead. That made Bane laugh. Her response to that was to pull out his baby photos. He sulked at the far end of the couch while his mum told the story of how he once threw a temper tantrum at her for getting too close to the edge of Elephant Rock when they went hiking in the Grampians. He had only been four years old. His protective characteristics had obviously begun early.
When it was time to leave, Beth gave me her old flute and made me promise to keep practising. Even second-hand it was worth a fair bit of money so I felt very privileged. And a bit intimidated. Even if I’d never met her before and only heard her voice, I still would have known she was a teacher in an instant. They were always easy to pick. Especially the ones who taught young children.
Her first student knocked on the door as we were saying goodbye, but she refused to cut short the un-teacher-like hug she was giving me.
‘I’m so glad you’re back, Lainie. I haven’t seen my son this happy for a long time. Thank you. I know everything will work out for you both this time. I’ve been praying for you.’
My breath caught. Did she have any idea how valuable that was for us, or was it just something she said out of habit? Either way, I was deeply moved by the sentiment and I squeezed her back so tightly I made her laugh.
‘And Bane,’ she said when I let her go. ‘Make sure you catch up with your old school friends soon. One of them still pops by from time to time to ask when you’ll be home.’
‘Hey,’ Bane complained. ‘No need to sound so doubtful. I did have some friends.’
I turned back to his mum for confirmation.
‘Sorry, can’t remember his name. It isn’t like you ever had any of your friends come over. The downside of having a teacher-parent.’
‘Yeah, that was the problem,’ Bane said, making me laugh.
I cuddled my new flute to my chest and opened the door for a young boy with a runny nose and rainbow music folder, while Bane gave his mum a quick hug and whispered in her ear. She gasped and nodded, an ecstatic grin taking over her features. As we walked to the car I glanced back, his mum was still watching us, smiling, with tears sparkling in her pale grey eyes.