Chapter 45
‘Lainie? Can you hear me? Can you look at me?’
I could hear Bane’s velvety voice. It sounded very far away, like it was just a memory, and I’d have sounded really stupid replying to a memory. I was certain it was him though. Who else would have made such a fuss the moment they had tried to move him to a different room? He had been peacefully passed out all the way to the hospital but had woken with an angry yell the minute they tried to take a blood sample from me. Honestly, I couldn’t feel it at all, so how could he? I couldn’t feel anything, in fact. My body had become a memory too. I wanted to forget it altogether and yet I didn’t dare. It wasn’t allowed. There were rules this time. I wasn’t home anymore and if I didn’t follow the rules here, terrible things tended to happen. I had to hold on to the memories, and it took so much concentration that everything else faded into the background.
Blood. Fire. Bane. Noah. Sarah. Blood. Fire. Bane. Noah. Sarah.
I burned the images onto my brain like an old-fashioned branding iron. We didn’t even do that to animals anymore because it was so painful. Couldn’t I just microchip the memories into my brain somehow instead?
Blood. Fire. Bane. Noah. Sarah.
It hurt so much to remember, but I forced myself to keep facing it. My mind kept trying to shut down. At other times it would try to tell me to push the memories into some hidden corner and just get on with life. I resisted.
Blood. Fire. Bane. Noah. Sarah.
‘Lainie? Please. I love you. Please look at me.’
The pain in his voice was heartbreaking. I was so very tempted to push the memories away so I could respond to him, to comfort him, and tell him how much I loved him and needed him. But forgetting was not healing.
Blood. Fire. Bane. Noah. Sarah.
Not banishing the agonising memory was the bravest thing I had ever done.
I couldn’t remember how long I’d been in the hospital. I thought maybe we had arrived on a Sunday and that they’d sent Tessa home on the Thursday because she couldn’t rest properly unless Noah was with her and he couldn’t stay every second. They wouldn’t let him. Eventually they agreed to discharge her since making Noah leave only meant he would hang around in the lobby instead. The baby’s heart rate was a little erratic but there was nothing they could do except make Tessa rest as much as possible. They wanted to make sure she didn’t go into early labour because they both needed to recover from one trauma before being faced with another. I heard Bane telling me all this, but it was like I was listening to it on TV while I was busy with other tasks in the kitchen. I was interested, but had to pay attention to what I was doing otherwise I would burn dinner. Dinner burned anyway. With ruthless silver flames and screaming. Over and over again.
More days passed, and I think Sergeant Loxwood must have spoken to someone because at one point I noticed Bane was sleeping on a chair by my bed and it was dark outside. Before that I had been alone at night, except for the nurses checking on me every so often. Sometimes during the day others would come to see me. Aunt Lily was there a lot. She kept brushing my hair and reading me books although I had no idea what they were about. My whole life felt like I was reading something in a book. In another language. As if I could focus on a book within a book, honestly. Then one day Noah came.
Like a child I drew the covers over my head, hoping he would go away.
Good question. I didn’t know what to do. Him I couldn’t refuse, because he was part of the loop too.
‘Are you hiding from me? When has that ever worked?’
He pulled back the stiff white hospital blanket while I just lay there, trembling like a leaf.
‘How long are you going to let this go on for, turd? Get up, ya slacker. Bane’s going mental in here and you’re the only one who can get him to move.’
If I was in this story I would have tried to nipple-cripple him for calling me a turd. We had been calling each other far worse things for about as long as I could remember but somehow I couldn’t seem to remember why.
‘Seriously, Lainie, enough’s enough. Move your arse out of this bed and come home already. There’s work to do and Dallmin and Tim are sending me troppo. I need you to keep them in line. Do I have to drag you by your hair like I used to?’
Out of the corner of my eye I could see Bane’s hackles rising. Was Noah planning to hurt me? If so, I deserved it. Bane shouldn’t stop him.
‘Noah, back off. She’s still in shock. She needs time, that’s all,’ my Guardian said.
‘How much time? It’s been over a week. Neither of you are eating properly. Lainie looks like the world’s most boring zombie and you’re not much better. The doctors are discussing whether to move her to Melbourne for treatment. You know she won’t survive well outside of Nalong.’
Bane gasped, and then Noah’s eyes widened. ‘The river!’ they exclaimed together.
In a sudden flurry of activity I was bundled along the corridor and into the elevator, and then literally carried out to the car park when I didn’t walk fast enough. Noah stopped to argue with some of the hospital staff on the way out while Bane just ignored them all. Noah always got what he wanted. He would sort them out. Fuzzy rain drifted onto my bare arms as Bane opened the door to his car. At least I assumed it was his car. I had never seen it before. It was very shiny. Noah’s brothers would never approve.
Liam. Caleb. Nicole. Noah … Sarah.
Numbly, I felt Bane ease me into the passenger seat. A tiny part of my brain wanted to help him but I couldn’t tear my attention away from the image of Sarah’s clothes catching fire. I forced myself to watch her yet again. Maybe this time I could work out what I had done wrong. I had to learn. I had to heal. There had to be some way to stop it happening. To think the right thoughts and find the right Words.
Noah climbed in and then the car began to move, causing scenery to roll past in a blur while the rain became heavier as if it was trying to attack me through the windows. I traced the fingers of my ghostly hand down the glass, wondering if the rain could put out the fire that I saw everywhere I looked. Of course it couldn’t. It was only a memory. Only I couldn’t remember which one was the memory, the rain or the fire. Maybe both. I pondered the question over and over as I watched Sarah die again. I had pulled her away from the sword but not quickly enough. My throat had hurt so much that I just couldn’t hold on to her. My arms had no strength in them and I couldn’t feel my fingers. My fingers were only a memory. Over and over, the confusing scenes kept playing in my mind. Endlessly, until I couldn’t conceive of a time when they hadn’t.
So much blood. So much fire. It burned me again.
And then suddenly I was underwater.
The icy river doused the flames in an instant. Music was everywhere. It surrounded me and muffled the sounds of Sarah’s screams. Joyful song filled my torn heart and exultation smashed violently through all the despair and pain. Life blossomed again in my chest, fragrant and lovely amongst the ashes. It broke me. I was shattered by the rejoicing symphony. It was too much. My head was lifted above the water again and I drew in a gasping breath and screamed and screamed and screamed.
I clung to him as if he were a rope woven just for me. A lifeline preventing me from falling into an abyss. My fingers tangled in the fabric of his shirt.
‘It’s all right, Lainie. Just listen to the river. I have you. I’m not going to let you go, I promise.’ He held me partially submerged in the freezing current so the water could scour away the pain.
Howling wildly, I fought to decide. Keep staring at Sarah as she burned, or lose myself in the symphony of the water? I realised I had become as addicted to reliving the memories as I had been to blocking them out. Facing the memories and working through them was one thing, but it still wasn’t healing. Endlessly dwelling on them resolved nothing. My body twitched as my mind reeled in confusion, and throughout the struggle, Bane’s strong grip never faltered. He held on to me as the water tossed my sanity about like a dirty sock in a washing machine, until, after a time unmeasured, I chose to allow the coolness of the water to numb the pain. I wouldn’t forget again. Bitterly cold water began to douse the fire and soothe my mind, extending its icy fingers into my burning memories until they no longer broke me.
Then, breathless, I forced myself to get the words out.
‘Bane, I couldn’t stop her! I tried, but I couldn’t! What have I done? She burned and I couldn’t stop her!’ I sobbed and shook and he held me like I was a child while the rain came down in relentless admonition.
‘Shalom, Lainie. It wasn’t your fault. No one blames you.’
‘Sarah was one of us. She should have known. I could never have let her cross no matter how much I wanted to. I’m just not built that way! I can call a storm and throw rocks like they’re made of playdough. I can dissolve guns and calm the wind, I can even force you to sleep when I’m in danger, but I could never let a tainted human cross the Skin of the World! No more than a fish can play the piano. How could she not have known that?’ Angry tears mingled with the current flowing around us.
‘I think she did. She was just desperate. Her bonded charge was dying and there was nothing she could do about it. I understand what that must have been like for her. She snapped, at the end. She wasn’t thinking of anyone other than Uncle.’
‘I thought I could save her, Bane. I wanted to. I thought I could manipulate my power, control it, but I can’t even understand it, and the compulsion to keep her out of Eden was just too strong. I tried to do things differently this time around. Tried to get it right and rescue Tessa, and it still didn’t work. I can’t use my authority to save any of us …’ Finally, I accepted the truth, and when I looked into Bane’s eyes, the truth shone right back at me, clean and pure. ‘It wasn’t my fault.’
An ocean of tears later, I wiggled out of his arms and stood facing him, the swift water tugging at my clothes. ‘I still should have found a way. If not with Words, then some other way. I should have saved her.’
Bane gripped my elbows to help me stop swaying. ‘How can any of us be certain she wanted to be saved? Really?’
I had no answer to that. Hot tears mingled with rain and cold river water on my face. ‘But … Noah. What am I going to say to him? I let his mum die. His mum. How can I ever face him?’
Blood. Fire. Bane. Noah. Sarah.
Visions threatened to drown me once more.
‘Lainie, listen to me!’ He held my face with both his hands, forcing me to look at him, at his soft suede eyes, glistening, full of love. ‘Noah doesn’t blame you. He never has. You need to give him a chance to demonstrate that. He needs to heal too.’ Tears welled that didn’t quite fall. ‘We all do.’
He reached one hand under the water and into his pocket, and pulled out a fine thread of gold. ‘I never should have let you get into that situation, Lainie. It was my responsibility to make sure you were safe. It should never have happened. If I’d done my job properly you never would have been compelled to …’ He choked on his words.
‘No, Bane. That wasn’t up to you. You could never have kept me away from there, any more than you could have kept me from handing myself over to Jake. I have a task too. And mine overrides yours whether you like it or not. So does my authority.’
He looked down at the jewellery laced around his fingers, and his next words were spoken with careful formality. ‘Lainie, I’m sorry I failed you.’ His face was lined with sorrow and grief and rain dripped from his hair. He clasped the bracelet around my wrist. The word Shalom was still visible, but had been worn away in places, like my heart.
‘I forgive you, Bane, although there’s really nothing to forgive. I was wrong to have left you for so long.’
Water bounced and played around us, vibrant and full of energy, as if it was trying to offset our sadness.
Bane kept staring at the slim thread of jewellery he had held onto for so long and then asked a question that had obviously been plaguing him. ‘Why did you? Leave for so long, I mean?’
A thread of insecurity still lingered in the way he angled his chin, but at least now I had the memories to be able to offer him a better explanation for my questionable choices.
I picked his right hand up out of the water and turned it, palm upward. Then I ran the tip of my finger from one end of his long scar to the other. It was even longer than the matching one that Tessa would now bear.
‘I refused to let you get hurt again, trying to protect me,’ I said simply. ‘I can be healed. You can’t. It didn’t seem fair.’
‘Being left behind hurt a lot more,’ he said.
Regret hurt. More than anything else, regret was the hardest to heal.
‘I know that now,’ I admitted. ‘I thought I was allowing you the freedom to do what you wanted, but I didn’t understand. And I refused to face what I had done. That was weak of me, I’m sorry.’
He spluttered a little. ‘Weak? You? I watched you push yourself against that knife, Lainie. I don’t think anyone could describe you as being weak. You need to get some perspective, girl.’
‘Dying wasn’t what I’d call a brave option either.’
There was a deep intensity to his voice, and with it came flashes of vision, of all the times he’d asked himself that same question since I’d left. It was time I resolved it. ‘What you really want to ask me is, was I compelled to die in defence of Eden, or did I choose to?’
He bit his lower lip, waiting for my answer.
‘Is it any different to you choosing to get hurt to protect me?’ I gripped his wrist, turning it to reveal his scar again. ‘Could you have avoided this if you’d wanted to? Or might you one day be forced to sacrifice your life to save mine?’
From the look in his eyes, he finally understood why I’d left him, to free him from the compulsion that could still kill him. The same strength of compulsion that had killed me.
‘It’s my choice,’ he insisted, and I knew he was right.
‘There’s always a choice,’ I whispered, finally understanding what Harry had been trying to tell me by writing those enigmatic words on his fridge all those years ago. Knowing it might be the last piece of advice for me, Harry had imparted a vital truth. Compulsions were powerful, but not unbreakable. I could have chosen not to die, and I needed to let Bane make his own choices too.
Bane gave a small shake of his head. ‘There should have been better options for both of us that day. That was my job. I’m sorry.’
‘Next time I want at least three.’ As I splashed him playfully, hope lit his eyes, as if he was relieved that I was speaking again. That was new for me, people were usually relieved when I stopped speaking.
‘Was it very bad for you? When I was gone?’ I asked. For a second he looked conflicted, as if he wasn’t sure how much to say, but I wouldn’t let him avoid my gaze. ‘Truth, Bane. I need to know. I promise I’ll try not to go wallowing in guilt again if you tell me you spent three years writing country and western tunes.’ Sudden fear gripped me. ‘Or have I got it all wrong? Was there someone else? Is there a girl in Brisbane waiting for you to tie up some loose ends before you go back to her?’ Suddenly I couldn’t quite breathe right.
For seven agonising seconds, a silent downcast expression was all the answer I got, until a slight twitch in the corner of his mouth betrayed him, and he peered up from under his damp eyelashes. Rotten man. So then I dunked him, and he came up laughing, and then dunked me back, but lost that fight when I deliberately stayed under water until he got too uncomfortable and had to lift me up again.
Then he lifted my chin with one finger. ‘I never got over you, Lainie. No one is waiting for me. Not that I didn’t try. Lily made it clear that you wanted me to move on without you and I honestly tried to … I’m just not built that way.’ He smiled wryly as he threw my own words back at me. ‘Honestly? I wasn’t even close to pulling through.’ He took a deep breath. ‘And you? Was there anyone else?’
I could tell he was trying to keep the jealousy out of his tone. I shook my head. ‘No one else. And I had the most confusing time trying to work out why because I was happy there, or so I thought. It’s only now that I’m realising how lost I was. I missed you so much, but I thought you were dead. Sort of. It’s a bit hard to explain.’
‘You remembered me? You were in Paradise and you still remembered me?’ He searched my face, trying to discern how honest I was being. I could feel my blood humming in response to his closeness, echoed by the Life I felt flowing around me in the water, and not at all discouraged by the way his shirt was clinging to him.
‘I could never forget you, although I am glad I had your photo. It helped me to remember what it was I wanted.’
‘And now? Are you sure about what you want?’ He looked nervous, and for good reason. I could not honestly say that I wanted to remain in this place. My friends, my family, and the one my heart yearned for were here, but this world was full of darkness and hate and pain. My home was such a short distance away, and I could hear its music enticing me back. The metaphorical scent of baking cookies was delicious—and yet how long could I go for without wanting to taste them? Eden was home too, and often felt so much more real than Nalong that it was hard to decide what I wanted most. There was one thing I was definitely sure about though, so instead of answering him with words, I answered him a different way.