Chapter 46
Noah was waiting by the bridge for us when we emerged, shivering, from the water. They had taken me to the nearest part of the river that was safe for swimming, even with the autumn current. It happened to be the same spot we had spent the afternoon of our graduation. It was where Jake had witnessed our first healing.
I tried to hide behind Bane’s back as he walked through the drizzle toward the bridge and when he noticed he stopped. ‘Would you prefer not to see him yet?’
‘Yes. But I will anyway.’ I clutched his hand like the lifeline it was and walked resolutely up the hill. Being a grown-up was going to be complicated.
Noah had borrowed a blanket from the hospital. He really could charm his way through anything. I was becoming convinced it was a superpower of his, maybe his version of my ability to see people’s emotional memories, and Annie’s empathy. He held it open for me but I stopped a couple of metres from him, shivering. He dropped his arms by his side and waited with a look of sympathy on his face.
‘I remember, Noah, I remember what I did.’ I thought I had run out of tears. I was wrong. ‘I killed her. I tried not to … I couldn’t help it.’
Before I had even finished the sentence he had wrapped his long arms around me, crushing me against his chest.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I whispered. The feel of him was so familiar, and comforting; my best friend who had shared so much of my life for as long as I could remember. Whose mum I had killed.
‘It was no one’s fault, Lainie. Not hers and certainly not yours. She left you no choice. If you hadn’t sacrificed yourself the way you did it would have ended up even worse. I am so grateful to you that I didn’t need to intervene.’
Grief tore at my heart as I comprehended what he was saying. If I hadn’t stopped her, then he would have been compelled to. He would have done whatever it took. To his own mother. This job was not fair.
Suddenly I felt really, really tired. I had been numb for so long and now I was submersed in these overwhelming emotions that tumbled me around like the surf. Like a drowning person, I stopped thrashing about and accepted the serenity of giving in to the sensations. Sadness, anger, grief, forgiveness, love. I breathed them all in and began to heal.
My gracious friend wrapped me in the dry blanket and bundled me back into Bane’s car, and as we drove away I looked back through the drizzle at the insignificant little old bridge, the place where my life had changed so profoundly. Twice.
I was officially released from hospital less than an hour after my river dousing but Doctor Vertan insisted on coming to the farm to check me out the following day. She checked my blood pressure and heart rate. She weighed me and wrote out a strict list of foods I had to eat that didn’t include Tim Tams until I asked her to add them in at the bottom. She interviewed me away from the others for a long time, asking me weird questions about how I felt about what had happened with Jake. She asked me about Noah and Bane. Actually she asked a lot of questions about Bane and how I felt about him, which I thought was odd for a doctor. She even asked me about Aunt Lily and whether I ever talked to her about things that made me sad. Then she asked me if I ever had thoughts about dying and I told her I couldn’t really remember, which, luckily, she misunderstood, although her interpretation of my response triggered even more questions. That was when I finally cottoned on that she was trying to assess whether or not I was suicidal. I understood why she was worried, although there was no need for it. So I tried to crack a joke to ease her mind—that only made her frown. Maybe she didn’t get it. My sense of humour definitely had an Eden-like edge to it now and it wasn’t for everyone.
Even Tessa sighed in relief as her car finally pulled away. The doctor had examined her first.
‘Two more weeks of this,’ she complained. ‘Which technically means I could go into labour at any time now and it wouldn’t be considered premature.’ She sounded rather wistful.
‘You don’t want to be pregnant anymore?’ I asked, trying to interpret her body language. ‘Are you uncomfortable? Can I—’
‘No. You can’t,’ she interrupted, and walked out of the lounge room.
I turned to Noah, who explained that she was just bored because no one was letting her do anything useful.
That afternoon, I tried to teach her to carve fruit but after her third attempt she lost patience and threw an apple at Noah’s head. He was so stunned he just stood there and let it hit him squarely on the chin. She hardly flinched so I knew she must have been feeling pretty irritated. I decided to leave her alone a bit more after that.
Soon after, Nicole came by for a visit. After all my progress in the river I had been feeling pretty proud of myself—right up until the moment she knocked on the door, when I literally ran and hid under the bed.
Aunt Lily had explained to me what she and Noah had done straight after Sarah’s death to hide what had really happened. She’d also explained that I had missed both funerals, and Nicole had never understood why. Why did I get to be the one so traumatised that I ran away, when it was her mum who had died? It was a very good question, and I had no answer for her. None that would get past my lips, anyhow, so I hid like a four-year-old instead.
I heard her fussing over Tessa and chatting with Dallmin and Tim. Actually, mostly with Dallmin. Tim had taken a couple of weeks off work and was due to return to Brisbane in a few more days, and he had called in on Nicole more than once. But it was Dallmin who was offered another ride on her ATV, and Dallmin who was now being offered first pick from the box of chocolates she’d brought over, and Dallmin who apparently had the best taste in music, going by the T-shirt he was wearing—which I knew for a fact had been lent to him by Tim. Poor Tim.
As soon as I heard the quad bike leave, I started crawling out, only to find Bane’s sexy hairy legs planted in front of my face. I crawled back under again and so he got down and came in after me.
‘Do you want to talk about it?’ he asked.
‘No thanks, I have it sorted.’
‘Clearly. I can see that. Can I ask if there’s more to your plan or are you just going to hide here every time she comes around?’
‘Nope, that’s pretty much it really. It’s a good plan. I used to use it all the time when Aunt Lily was cross at me. It mostly worked.’ I pointed to a series of scribbles that had been scrawled in childish letters on the wooden slats. ‘See? This bed is actually a therapist. It’s a very good listener, and never forgets.’
The words “Aunt Lily is a poo head” were clearly visible, three slats down.
‘Ah, I can see that. Sorry I doubted.’
I sighed. ‘What am I supposed to say to her? I killed her mother, Bane. And then I missed her funeral and ran away for three years. Then on top of all that I wasn’t there for her when she needed me. I was the closest thing she ever had to a sister, and I was never a very good one, but when her mum died she only had her brothers and her dad. What if she needed a girl to talk to? She lost her mum.’
‘She had your aunt. I’m sure she would have helped her,’ he soothed.
‘Not the same. They were never very close. And Aunt Lily’s, you know, sort of old.’ I shook my head. ‘I let her down. Big time. And I don’t know how to make it right. I should have realised she’d hate me for ditching her. I keep forgetting that everyone here has their own issues, which is pathetic because I’m old enough to know better.’
He gave me a sympathetic look.
‘Wait, how old am I now? I’ve lost track.’
He tried to hide his chuckle by pretending to clear his throat. ‘You’ll turn twenty-one in July,’ he said.
Twenty-one. Wow. So old … ‘Hiding under the bed seems even more childish now,’ I admitted.
‘Well, childishness is only to be expected when you’ve been living in a timeless sacred garden filled with innocent immortals.’
I laughed. ‘But then again, it’s me. You know I’ve always been silly.’
He nodded, unable to refute that. ‘You and Noah, both. However, nothing’s silly if it helps you to adjust. Whatever you need, I’ll be here with you.’
‘I need to make things right with Nic,’ I said, sobering.
We both lay there for a few seconds, dwelling on the past, then Bane brushed a wayward curl from my cheek. ‘I wish I could suggest something but I’m not very good with this stuff. Usually I’m the one who needs the therapy. If I were in your situation, what would you tell me to do?’
‘Hide under the bed and sulk.’
‘Apologise to her, for what it’s worth.’
He rolled over and tried to prop himself up on his elbow, only there wasn’t enough room so he rested his chin on his hand instead, and looked me in the eye. Our faces were very close. He had a fallen eyelash on his cheek, which I wanted to brush away with my lips, but I didn’t because he had things he wanted to say.
‘It’s worth a lot. You might be amazed at how good it can feel to have the opportunity to apologise to someone you’ve wronged. It’s good for everybody. Even if she doesn’t forgive you, it still allows you to start moving on. That’s pretty important.’
‘Can I ask you something else?’ he enquired tentatively.
‘Why do you keep saying you killed her? It was the sword that did the killing. I seem to remember you trying to pull her away from it, actually.’
The temptation to replay the scene over in my mind rose yet again, but I swatted it away. I remembered it now so there was no point in torturing myself with it.
‘It didn’t matter that I wasn’t holding the sword. I knew what would happen the moment our skin broke contact. I deliberately made that happen, and I could feel the sword’s commitment to justice. It was unyielding and … merciless.’ My stomach roiled at the memory. ‘I’m not trying to sound over-dramatic when I say I killed her. It’s almost as if the Cherubim inability to kill is balanced by the sword’s … pitiless … judgement. By releasing her to it, I condemned her to die. I guess it’s like when a commanding officer kills a soldier he orders onto a mission that has no hope of survival.’
Understanding and compassion shone from his eyes. ‘I see. Thank you for explaining.’ He held my hand in both of his, and kissed my knuckles. ‘Just so you know, I think it takes a brave leader to take responsibility for sending someone on that sort of a mission, even if it’s unavoidable in order to save thousands of lives. I would follow that leader anywhere.’ He smiled his beautiful quirky smile. ‘I’d follow her right into the fire, or even under a bed. On one condition.’
‘That she learns to trust her instincts.’
Tucked into the frame at the top corner of the bed was a pencil. I used it to write some new words on the slat above my nose. ‘Bed. You’re fired. Bane gives better advice.’