Chapter 69
Honeyed sunlight warmed my face as I stretched out on the grass. It felt nothing short of magical to dig my tingling fingers into the soft earth and taste the fresh scent of the giant yellow hibiscus blossoms that framed my view of the sky. I let the feel of home soak into every pore … along with a good amount of dog slobber, as Bungee licked my ear in his affectionate greeting. After I had scratched every one of his ribs for him, he lay quietly against my shoulder, sharing the peaceful sky with me. I had missed Eden even more than I’d realised, and it felt so delicious to lose myself in the joy of the Garden. In the branches above us, two thousand silver butterflies tangled in a frolicking dance. I felt so alive, even though my brain was still very addled. I knew I had lost memories again, but I wasn’t afraid of them. They would return in their own time—or not. It didn’t seem to matter very much. For some reason I was feeling bad for Tim though, I just couldn’t quite remember why. With indulgent slow precision I unfolded my letter. I hadn’t received one for a long time, and never a love letter. It felt terribly romantic. Until I saw the crazy handwriting. It looked like he’d written it left-handed while jogging on a treadmill.
If you are reading this then it means that this time I’ve been given the grace to be able to say goodbye, for which I will be forever grateful.
Please understand that there is no other way. I’ve considered every option but I can’t take the risk—you understand now that I’m just not built that way. I need you to remain safe, and I can’t keep you safe here. Besides, Eden is too important to risk losing both Cherubim. If Jake succeeds then no one will be left to guard this treasure and that can’t be allowed to happen. If he were somehow to end the Cherub line and find a way to cross the Boundary, his taint would destroy the very foundation of that perfect place. Even though I’ve never seen Eden for myself, its light is reflected in you and I can feel my soul resonate with love for it. It would be unthinkable to allow anyone to harm it.
Jake is not the only reason. I know how hard you’ve tried, but day by day, with each new conflict, I can see the light fading from your eyes. I would give up everything to save that light, that spark of hope in this dark place, and so I have. Find it again, Lainie. Right now. Go to the River and wash away the taint of this world. Eat the Fruit, as is your right. You’ve healed yourself now from guilt, so Noah assures me you won’t harm it.
Let yourself forget. It will help you to move on, as you know you have to.
Please, Lainie, find someone new and allow yourself to try. It’s what I want you to do. Make a commitment and have a ceremony. I know it’s possible because it’s happened before. A marriage vow is a sacred thing and our link is broken now. Your commitment before witnesses, with spoken Word, will allow you to move forward with someone else. Sarah was genuinely happy in her marriage, and Nicole is living proof that there is a way out of this mess for you. Your firstborn will be blessed, and will grow up in Paradise, cherished as she should be. Teach her as much as you dare of this world, because I have no doubt that one day she’ll be needed here, and will find the Words to come. When she does, I’ll be waiting to guide and protect her, I promise.
Please don’t blame Noah. He is doing his job as best as he knows how. He loves you too, Lainie, and wants only the best for you. He’ll insist on remaining here with his family, as is his right. His son needs a father, and I would never try to deny him that opportunity, but try not to worry about him—Tessa and I will guard him closely. I’ll always be here. If the worst happens and Noah is lost then I’ll make my final stand protecting you when you are compelled to return. How sickening the thought that if that happens, then the day most longed for would also be the day most dreaded. In all honesty, despite the threat to Eden, if that day comes I would beg that you try to fight the compulsion. Right. Who am I kidding?
You were right from the beginning, Lainie, we’re caught in a trap we can’t escape from because on this side of the Boundary our wants are irrelevant. I want you, with all my heart and soul. I wish I could have married you, and danced with you every sunrise. I wish I could have shown you the world, and raised a child with you, and woken up with you beside me every day of my life, but it’s time for me to finally let go of that future once and for all. Never will I regret the time you gave me, although it was far too short. Every moment I had with you will be cherished in my memory forever. I love you more than I can ever show you and always will.
That’s why I’ve suggested to Noah the best way I can think of to stop Jake from succeeding.
Now I understand what Uncle was trying to tell us. We’re caught in this trap, but there is still always a choice, and I’ve made mine.
Butterflies scattered, and startled Edenites stared at me with amused, innocent expressions, probably wondering if I was about to burst into song. They generally weren’t loud unless they were singing. Bungee stood up and shook himself, ready for action.
I strode over to the nearest fire, shredding the letter into tiny mutilated fragments, and then flung the whole lot into the flames.
‘How dare he? Who the hell does he think he is?’
Annie was sitting not far from me, curled up on the ground, still reading Dallmin’s letter with tears streaming down her cheeks. I was feeling somewhat less than sympathetic toward her, for a whole lot of reasons even I didn’t fully understand, so I left her and started asking people whether anyone had seen Nayn. I could sense him, somewhere to my right, but I didn’t have the patience to wander around trying to pinpoint the feeling. Beltana offered to take me to him.
Let’s make it a race, I suggested, trying to look light-hearted. She and Bungee pelted away through the trees and I quickly realised how unfit I had become in the last few weeks, so I focused all my anger at Bane on trying to keep up.
Nayn was halfway up a pepper blossom tree near the River, talking to some baby birds when he heard my whistle. He launched himself from his branch, rolling over awkwardly a few times on landing, which made Beltana giggle as she handed him a bunch of velvety leaves that had been tucked into a loop of her belt along with a variety of other things. She even had a couple of carrots hooked onto it, in case she got peckish. On the other side of the cave, Beltana would have made a great Girl Scout.
I studied her clothing more critically. She was wearing a short, flowing diaphanous dress that clung to her body in a very flattering way, and the belt was woven of flowers and vines. The fabric was so delicate it was almost see-through, and its design was elegantly simple. And it was red. Having just arrived recently, I actually thought it looked pretty sexy.
Beltana, would you like to swap clothes with me? I offered. The cruddy old jeans and T-shirt I wore hardly represented a fair trade, but that didn’t matter here.
Yes! I’ve never worn such things before, they look sturdy, she signed, stripping off without hesitation.
Yep, that was what I had been going for as I’d dressed that morning, sturdy clothes to die in. Glad to know it was appreciated. I slipped the soft fabric over my head and pulled it down over my hips. The dress was even shorter on me, which wasn’t a bad thing. The outfit had a job to do. I would use whatever signals I could to convince Bane that my want was stronger than his.
I turned back to the white-haired elder Cherub who was still nibbling on the edge of a leaf. Nayn, could you help me? I need you to look at something.
I jogged my way toward the cave with Nayn, Bungee and Beltana all following. I was panting and had a terrible stitch by the time we got there, but I was still too angry to care. Bungee let out a sharp bark, which was answered by an unexpected visitor. Wendy had found the Garden. Good for her, although Aunt Lily was going to be pretty annoyed if I couldn’t convince her to come back. The two dogs ran around each other in circles, learning each other’s smells while I headed up the path.
Beltana, wait here for us. I wish to show Nayn only.
She smiled and sat down to wait for us. She hadn’t bothered re-dressing because she seemed to be having fun just playing with the zipper on her new jeans instead.
The second we entered the chamber I realised what Noah had done. Like an unwelcome feeling of déjà vu, instead of looking past the sword to see the other half of the chamber reflected back, I was faced with a pile of giant boulders, reaching up to the ceiling. Not even a glimmer of light betrayed the slightest gap. Even though I had pretty much expected it, the blood still drained from my face.
‘Bloody Noah! I’m going to slap you into next week! This was never one of the options!’
Nayn just looked at me with one white eyebrow raised. I moved closer to the wall to check but sure enough, Noah had brought down as much of the loose rock as he could without compromising the integrity of the chamber’s structure. Or so I hoped. This time he had formed the wall on the Eden side of the sword, possibly to prevent more Edenites from seeing it and getting curious. It was difficult to see anything much without the sword’s light, especially since the dust was still settling. Coughing and grumbling, I moved back.
I want to go back there, Nayn. They need me.
Deep breath. Calm down. Being angry with them wasn’t going to help me to believe that Eden needed me to move these rocks.
Any ideas? How do I find the Words?
Please, Nayn, I know what it is I want. Please can you help me? There was no sign for ‘please’, but I was signing so emphatically he got the gist.
He turned to study the wall, leaning against a convenient stalagmite. There is a Cherub on the other side. You are not needed there.
I dropped to my knees, devastated.
Please, if we work together, we can find the strength, I know it, I begged.
It’s not a matter of strength, only of need.
Furious tears welled in my eyes. Need. What about my needs? What about Bane’s? Noah had told me pretty bluntly what my Guardian had been through the last time I’d left, and I wasn’t about to put him through that again. There had to be a way. All our compulsions, all our powers, all our actions were built on love. No matter what his reasons were, I knew that Bane was wrong about this. We were supposed to be together. Destined, even. Where once I had shied from the concept, I now embraced it whole-heartedly.
I loved Eden, but I wanted out.
Come on, Lainie. Think. You’re a country girl. Farm-bred and resourceful. Surely you wouldn’t let a little thing like a tonne of rocks keep you from the man of your dreams?
I stood, spun and stomped out of the cave, leaving Nayn to follow if he chose. There was more than one way to cross the Boundary, for Cherubim only. Time I tested it out again.
Beltana, could you please find me some Fruit? I want to do some climbing.
You will eat it now? She blinked at me, wanting to be certain.
Closing my eyes, I breathed in deeply. The ambrosial scent of the Trees drifted on the wind, and I could still taste the remnant of juice on my tongue from when Noah had revived me. It was exquisite. Was this craving for more simply an addictive result of my recent healing? A bit. Sure. But that wasn’t all. Noah had apparently discerned the difference in me, the same way I now did. The shame I had felt, that had previously barred me from eating from the sacred Trees, was now resolved. There were a lot of emotions woven into my memories of what had happened to Sarah Ashbree. Grief, pain, regret, including regret that I would never be able to reveal the truth to the rest of Noah’s family—never be able to explain what I’d done and why—but I no longer felt ashamed. There was nothing else I could have done that day. Except one thing. I shouldn’t have left them all to deal with the consequences. Shouldn’t have fooled myself into believing that they would be better off without me. That had been a fear-based belief. Understandable, but unfounded and unfair.
My eyes snapped open. There had been a second reason for my guilt. What I had done to Bane, and the others, when I had left them. Flitting about in Paradise with hardly a thought for the mess I’d left behind.
Beltana, I will eat the Fruit.
The only guilt I would feel now would be if I didn’t act.
She darted away laughing, in search of the right sort of tree.
The cliff wall ran along the entire length of the valley, in line with the Event Horizon, but the threshold didn’t exist for humans anywhere except inside the cave, where they would have to pass the flaming sword. It did exist for Cherubim. Noah and I had crossed it to enter Eden, years earlier. Unfortunately, going in the other direction to leave the Garden was going to be problematic. From what I could see the cliff was mostly smooth, except for a large overhang that loomed a good twenty metres above me. Beyond that I knew was an incredibly high climb that would be daunting for all but the craziest thrill-seekers back home. Maybe wearing a dress hadn’t been the best decision after all, and yet my jeans would have been even harder to climb in. Besides, I wasn’t delaying any longer in order to change back.
She glanced back at me from across the small glade, tilting her pretty face curiously.