CLAUDIA
I took a deep breath and pressed the doorbell – brass, polished twice weekly. The door opened immediately, almost as if Mother had been hovering behind it.
‘Come in, come in, we haven’t seen you forever!’ She reached up on tiptoe to kiss my cheek before marching down the hall. ‘It’s been too long, darling, too long,’ she called over her clip-clopping court shoes.
I followed her, muttering I’d been flat out with work.
‘Oh you girls, such high fliers,’ she said in a voice leaking polite disapproval. When Sabrina and I were growing up, Mother had made the same noises as my father about how important it was for us both to succeed. But when it came down to it and we were eventually achieving greatness out there in the shiny corporate world of her dreams, she couldn’t understand why we were too busy for ‘family time’. She felt, if she was honest with herself (which she didn’t generally make a habit of), somewhat miffed.
Sabrina crossed her eyes at me from her perch in the kitchen. I smiled in relief. I hadn’t been sure if she was going to make it today and I was grateful for the extra buffer. It was the first time in as long as I could remember that I wasn’t looking forward to a family meal. Even while living a life they couldn’t possibly understand, I never once felt distanced from my family. But now I did; now I felt like a usurper.
No one seemed to notice my reticence to start with. Mother burbled small talk over her Aga, as if she had been wound up and set off like a small toy. A little bird with excellent manners, I thought. Sabrina provided most of the required noises, dotted with frequent winks in my direction.
‘I can see you teasing me, you know.’ Mother looked sternly at us as she carried a steaming dish to the table. ‘Now it’s time to sit up.’
I took a step towards the dining room and I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket. Marco! Not now, not while I was here. But in a moment of recklessness I pressed the call button and motioning to my mother that I’d be one minute. I stepped quickly out of the back door.
‘Marco.’
‘Oh, lovely lady, nice to hear your voice.’
‘Same here but I’ve got to make it quick, my family are waiting for me to sit down for lunch.’
‘Of course, of course! I have good news for you though. My results are back and I’m all clear, baby.’ Marco’s syrupy voice, which had the ability to become so thick and sticky it could shut synapses down, suddenly became the most beautiful thing in the world. I felt relief whoosh from my stomach to my toes.
‘Oh, that’s great news!’
‘Well, I hate to disappoint the ladies and all. But go and eat, see you at the club sometime, OK?’
‘Yes, OK. Bye then.’ Brilliant – that narrowed things considerably. And before I could change my mind, I called David. Maybe he’d have his results too. He answered after two rings and this time knew exactly who was calling.
‘Claudia.’ His voice was hard.
‘Hello, David.’
‘I’m glad you’ve called. I’ve had the test results back.’
‘Yes?’ I felt sick – it had to be bad news, he sounded so angry.
‘They’re negative.’
‘What?’ Did I just hear him right? His words jarred – they didn’t sound right.
‘I said the tests were negative.’ He slowed the last word down as if I was very thick.
‘Oh, right.’
‘So that’s that then. I don’t wish to have any more contact with you, Claudia . . . Claudia?’ I stood stock still, looking down the pared-down winter garden, its edges butting the neatly clipped grass, a large grey bird bath pulling the whole gorgeously designed thing together.
‘Yes, of course,’ I finally whispered and hung up before the odious creature could say another thing.
‘Fuck me,’ I whispered to the garden. So it was John who had given it to me all along. And I was in exactly the wrong place to process this information. I took some deep breaths and then went back inside, steeling myself for lunch.
After lunch, the women cleared the table. I was about to continue into the kitchen to wash up, but my father called me to join him in the sitting room instead. I paused momentarily before joining him on the sofa. He was so good at prising things out of me and today wasn’t the day for sharing. But of course I joined him, the pull to obey him as strong as it had ever been. I sat next to him on the sofa so I could look at the fire, rather than at him. That was the problem with him – he always knew when I was unhappy, which was fine when I could confide in him but excruciating when I couldn’t.
‘I saw a friend of yours the other day, what’s her name, the GP,’ he began.
‘Lily.’
‘Yes, that’s it, lovely girl.’
‘Woman.’
‘Yes, yes, you’re right.’ He smiled.
I waited for him to come to the point.
‘She had her husband with her, a well-spoken chap, very confident.’
‘He’s a builder.’
‘Yes, he was telling me about a house he’s working on at the moment in Berkshire, has a green oak frame or something.’
I turned and looked at him, suddenly feeling cross. He was pushing tobacco into his pipe, an indulgence that no one could dissuade him from.
‘Why are you telling me this?’
He looked up from his satisfying little activity, a poorly executed ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’ look on his face. ‘Just making conversation, Snooks,’ he said.
Using my nickname failed to placate me. I kept staring at him hard until he crumbled. He shrugged.
‘She just seemed really happy, that’s all,’ he conceded, bringing the pipe to his mouth and starting the protracted huffing and puffing required to light the smelly beast. Eventually he added, ‘And it made me think of you, that’s all.’
‘Right.’ I sat back. ‘In what way, exactly, did it make you think of me?’
Papa’s pipe crackled as it finally took light. He exhaled the smoke in a sigh.
‘I was wondering if there was someone in your life, that’s all.’
I stared at the wall opposite the sofa, at the fireplace and tasteful paintings, placed just so, and I pictured John, his handsome, earnest face as he sat across from me in that lovely restaurant and asked me if he was seeing anyone while I had sat opposite him, leaden with self-loathing.
‘No,’ I replied in a small voice, and then was suddenly swamped by anger at my father, at his too-high expectations of me, at the bar he had set for me to aim for. All for what! So I fell short of it just when I met a man I could see eye to eye with?
‘It’s not as if you’ve encouraged me either,’ I spat at him.
‘Excuse me?’ he spluttered, pulling his pipe out in a quick, shocked movement.
‘Nothing.’ I crossed my arms. What was the point anyway? Like he’d understand. No one in this too-good-for-everyone-else family would ever understand.
There was a silence, filled with anger as far as I was concerned. But when Papa broke it, his voice was full of love.
‘Tell me what’s on your mind, Claudia, please.’
And then, out of nowhere, I felt tears spilling down my cheeks and I covered my face with my hands. Papa shifted closer and put his arm around me.
‘It’s all right, darling, we love you. There there.’ As if he could read my mind and knew that was the only thing I really needed to hear.
I leant against him, his spiky beard poking into my head while he held me, waiting for the tears to stop.
‘I’m sorry,’ I finally managed, sniffing and wiping my face.
‘That’s OK. You’re right anyway. I know I’ve been pretty strict in that department. Maybe part of me didn’t want to see you grow up. Maybe—’ He paused and smoothed my hair off my forehead. ‘Maybe I’ve never wanted to see you settle for second best,’ he added, passing me a box of tissues. ‘Here, you can stop sniffing in my ear now.’
‘Well, I’m not bloody perfect, you know. Why should someone else be?’ And I blew my nose noisily.
‘You’re right, darling. Of course you are but can you blame me for wanting the best for my girls?’
I folded my tissue into a wet square. ‘What if what you think is the best for us might create a mountain that’s just too high to climb?’
Papa slapped my knee. ‘Well, Snooks, how about throwing the hiking boots away and not worrying about climbing any mountains?’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Definitely.’ And he hugged me tight against his smoky chest.
Oh Papa, I thought, if only it was that simple.