69

SAM

Ed and I carried the subdued kids through the door. The clock said five thirty but it felt like midnight. The walk home had been very quiet. Neither child had said a word and for once didn’t try running off ahead. They studiously licked their ice creams, dripping them onto our jackets, and for once we didn’t mind the mess. When they were all gone, Luke announced he was cold.

The police said we could take the children home but had said they’d be in touch with Kate later on.

‘I’m glad she’s not home yet . . .’ I said as we set the kids down in the bathroom and started running the bath. ‘But what the hell are we going to say to her? Sorry, Kate, we lost your kids. Can we take them out next weekend? She’s not going to let us near them ever again.’

Ed didn’t reply and tested the water with his hands.

‘Right, kids, time to get in.’

Rosie and Luke obediently let him take off their clothes and put them in the bath, and then he sat very close to the bath and let his hands dangle in the water. I sat on the toilet seat and stared at the kids, still reeling from what we’d just been through.

‘Rosie went the wrong way.’ Luke was scooting a plastic boat around and around in front of him. Ed became still.

‘You mean she went in the door, Luke, the door we found you behind?’ Ed asked.

‘The pussy cat went in there.’

Ed and I exchanged looks.

‘Where were you going, Luke?’ I asked.

Luke scooted his boat around and around. Rosie patted the water quietly, her round cheeks red from exhaustion.

‘Luke?’

Luke looked up at me blankly.

‘Did you leave the park?’

‘I wanted an ice cream.’

‘You went for ice cream?’ Ed asked him very softly, and he nodded gently at the plastic boat.

There was the sound of keys in the door.

‘Hiya, sorry I’m late!’ Kate called out happily.

‘We’re up here,’ Ed replied. My mouth went dry and my stomach turned over. I scrunched my toes and took a deep breath. Kate stood in the bathroom door.

‘Hi, darlings!’ she said, all smiles.

‘Mummy!’ Rosie reached out for her and Luke burst into tears. She reached out to get wet hugs and lifted them out of the bath into big towels.

‘How are my darlings – were you good for your uncle and Sam?’ Luke buried his face into her shoulder. Kate looked at us sitting there, not saying a word.

‘You two look stuffed. Did they run you into the ground?’

‘You could say that,’ Ed replied.

‘I’ll go down and put the kettle on.’ I disappeared down the stairs, cowardly leaving Ed to explain. I looked at the kitchen cupboards and tried to remember what I was meant to be doing. I felt yet more tears prickling behind my eyes but then Ed was there next to me, quietly getting a saucepan out and emptying some beans into it, putting on toast, finding a grater and some cheese.

‘How did she take it?’ I finally managed to ask.

‘I haven’t told her yet. I’ll get a cuppa in front of her first,’ he whispered. Then he stopped his activity and wrapped his arms around me.

‘It’s just one of those things, Sam, not anyone’s fault.’

I leant against my friend for a moment, trying to hold back the wall of tears threatening, but pulled back when I heard the others coming down the stairs. Ed was still holding my arms and standing very close when Kate and two clean, pyjama-clad children came into the room. A flicker of amusement crossed Kate’s face but I didn’t acknowledge it.

‘How was the date?’ Ed asked.

‘I’ll tell you all about it once these monsters are in bed but, in short, it was great!’ Kate replied, beaming.

Before I could say more, there was a knock on the door and Mara let herself in. Her quiet, measured tread in the hall gave her away. She stood at the kitchen door in her long dark blue woollen duffle, the left arm hanging loose with her sling underneath it. It must have been a mission to get ready and out of the house alone. She looked at Kate, at Ed and I, and finally at the kids about to tuck into baked beans.

‘Mara! What are you doing here? You should be at home.’ Kate rushed over to give her a hug.

‘Stop fussing!’ Mara held up a hand in protest, and I saw a glimpse of what a cantankerous eighty-plus-year-old Mara would be one day. Kate ignored her sister’s obstinacy as she hung Mara’s coat over the back of a chair while Mara trained her stern stare on her nephew, who was tucking happily into his beans.

‘You gave Sam and Ed a really big fright today.’

‘What did you do, you rascal?’ Kate joshed her son, her face still rosy from her date, her voice twinkly. She brought her tea up for a sip but stopped when she caught sight of our faces.

‘You haven’t told her yet?’ Mara asked us in a clipped voice.

‘Told me what? Sam? Ed?’ The colour had drained from Kate’s face.

‘I was naughty, Mummy,’ Luke said quietly.

Kate put the children to bed twenty minutes after that. They were almost asleep on their feet. She had taken the news very well, I thought. But I could feel Mara seething across the table, like a volcano, like a tiger about to pounce. And I was right – as soon as the children were out of the room Mara leapt in.

‘What the hell were you thinking, Sam?’ she spat at me.

‘Don’t you mean, what were we thinking?’ Ed asked her.

‘No, I’m asking Sam. If you were on your own, Ed, you wouldn’t have been distracted by her, you would have stayed close to the kids all the time and this wouldn’t have happened!’ Mara was furious, each word forced, gravel-like, through clenched teeth. Her eyes were hard and bright and not, for a single second, leaving my face. She looked at me like she loathed me. I felt rooted to my seat and knew with a sinking, sinking heart that nothing I could say would change the way Mara felt. I scrabbled around in my mind, full of shame, for something to say but came up with nothing.

Then there was a knock at the door. I felt Mara’s gaze shift as Ed rose to answer it and soon I heard Claudia bustle inside, and Ed thank her for coming. He must have called her but why? So she could come and tell me off too? I wished I could just blink and disappear.

‘Well,’ Claudia said in her no-nonsense voice as she joined us at the table, ‘it sounds like everyone’s had a fright.’ And she sat down at the end of the table, with Mara on her right and me on her left.

‘I think that’s the understatement of the year,’ Mara said, her teeth still clenched.

‘The main thing is that they were found, safe and sound, right?’ said Claudia.

‘The main thing is Sam wasn’t paying enough bloody attention!’

‘We weren’t paying enough attention, Mars,’ Ed interjected.

‘Please don’t fight,’ Kate said as she came back into the room. We all watched as she walked to the sink and stood with her back to us, looking out into the inky night beyond the window. Was she imagining what could have happened? Was she about to tell me I could never have the kids again? I waited for her to say something – anything. But she took a deep breath and let it out slowly, then walked to the fridge.

‘I think I need a wine, how about you guys?’

‘What a good idea,’ Claudia agreed.

Mara sighed and muttered her assent.

We sat and sipped half-heartedly. Claudia forged on valiantly with questions about Kate’s date, which she answered in a rather more subdued voice than the one she’d used on her return. There was a tacit understanding that we’d just talk about other stuff for a bit, let the air settle. Mara wasn’t playing the game though and managed to continue seething. At last Kate brought the conversation round to the children.

‘I think this is a blessing, you know.’

‘What?’ Mara spluttered.

Kate gave her a small, Kate-sized warning look, almost invisible to the naked eye. ‘This could have happened to me, to you, to any of us. He’s been a real tearaway lately and I think it’s given everyone a really good shock – including Luke.’

‘How can losing Luke and Rosie be a good thing?’ Mara’s face was dark. ‘It’s just classic Sam, this is – deeply irresponsible.’

‘Mara, why are you ignoring my part?’ Ed’s voice was sharp and I almost flinched. I had never heard him speak to her like that before.

‘Because you can be trusted, unlike her!’

‘Mara, calm down, this is crazy,’ said Kate.

And finally I couldn’t contain them any longer. My tears spilt out, running like two streams down my face. Mara had opened her mouth to say something more but paused when she saw my face. She stood up.

‘I’m going home, and Sam, I think you need to find somewhere else to live. I’ve had enough!’

‘Mara!’ Claudia got up and followed Mara’s stiff, angry back out to the front door. I didn’t watch them leave the room, I simply hung my head, bent over with shame. Someone passed me a tissue and I took it. It was Ed. He hadn’t followed Mara to the door; he’d stayed sitting at the table with me. So had Kate. But rather than comforting me, it made me feel even lower. I didn’t deserve their kindness. Mara was right – it was my fault. I was irresponsible, ditzy. A fucking idiot.

‘Come on, let’s take you home. You can come and stay with me tonight,’ Claudia said as she returned to the table, half lifting me out from the table onto my wobbly legs.

‘What about John? I don’t want to cramp your—’ I couldn’t think of the right word to use.

‘She could stay here,’ Kate offered.

‘No,’ Claudia said briskly, ‘she’s coming home with me. John is at his place anyway.’

I allowed myself to be led out to the hallway by Claudia and helped into my coat. I supposed I had to go to Claudia’s. I couldn’t stay here, not being reminded about what a fuck up I was.

‘Are you all right?’ I heard Claudia ask Kate as they hugged.

‘Yes, I’m fine, honestly.’

Ed said. ‘I’ll stay here tonight.’

‘What about Mara?’

‘Let her own words ring in her head. She’ll be fine.’

I looked up as Claudia raised her eyebrows at Ed, saying, ‘I didn’t know the Minkleys did tough love.’

Ed chuckled. ‘I didn’t either but it appears we do, eh, little sis?’ He put his arm around Kate, who smiled sadly.

I had my head down as I left but I was vaguely aware of Claudia signing something to Ed, something about needing to talk to him or something. I felt utterly, utterly exhausted.