SAM
While Claudia made up a bed for me on the sofa, I took myself into the bathroom and called Charlie. I was desperate for comfort, for distraction. He didn’t pick up and I left a message – please call me – sounding much more querulous than I wanted. I texted him too, just in case. Hopefully he’d call. Anyway, I tried to tell myself sternly, either way, you’re seeing him tomorrow for lunch. He can comfort you then if not before.
Claudia was sitting on the couch when I came out, with two mugs of hot chocolate waiting on the coffee table. She was idly flicking through a magazine but I could tell straightaway she wanted to talk.
What am I going to say to you? I thought. I don’t have anything of worth to say. Nothing at all.
‘This will help you sleep.’ Claudia indicated the mug. I took a sip and winced.
‘It’s what you need,’ she instructed. ‘You’ve had a shock.’
‘Not as much of a shock as Luke and Rosie had, locked in that stairwell.’
‘Like Kate said, though, it’s good to get a fright now and then.’
‘Mara didn’t see it that way.’
‘Of course she didn’t, she won’t for a while. She’s very black and white. But she’s not their mother, Kate is, and she’s OK. Most importantly, she’s OK with you, darling.’ And Claudia patted my foot.
I sighed.
‘Look, don’t feel beaten down. We all love you very much, including Mara. We’re family.’
I grunted, unconvinced, and then thought of something.
‘Please don’t compare my friendships with my sister.’ I glanced at Claudia, who was looking troubled or something. But it flicked off her face and she smiled.
‘We’re even better than family,’ she said.
‘Some family. Mum and Dad are all right.’
‘OK, some family. But my point is, families have bust-ups – it’s what happens when you’re close – and then you make up.’
‘Yeah, right.’ I could really see Rebecca and I getting along one day.
Claudia had that strange, troubled look again.
‘Well’ – she patted my foot again – ‘don’t dwell on it. It will blow over – it will.’
I really wanted to believe her. I yawned, feeling the exhaustion right down to my toes.
‘I’ll let you go to sleep. Sleep in tomorrow if you can. Have you got anything on that can’t be changed?’
‘Only lunch with Charlie.’
‘Oh.’
‘I want to see him!’ I wheedled.
‘All right, all right.’ Claudia stood up and stretched then looked as if she was going to say something again, that strange, indefinable look on her face again. But again she didn’t; instead she leant over and kissed me on the forehead, wishing me sweet dreams.
*
I woke to the sound of Claudia’s front door shutting. It took me a moment to remember why I was at Claudia’s but then it came back to me in a whoosh of pain. God only knows what Claudia put in that hot chocolate but it worked. By rights I shouldn’t have been able to sleep so well last night. My chest felt heavy with shame and once again I ran through every detail of losing the children, feeling my gut twist in fear all over again. How on earth would Mara forgive me? My thoughts ran ahead, through a future where every gathering was uncomfortable with us both in the same room, when I gasped, realising the consequences – I would simply not be invited to things any more, never mind not being able to just pop by. My friends (Claudia was right, actually, they were my family) would have to choose between us. A tear ran down the side of my face. Of course they’d choose Mara over me, fuck it. Most of the gang were bloody Minkleys after all.
I reached out and felt about for my phone. Nothing. Not a single new message. No one gave a shit about me, no one at all.
I woke again a couple of hours later and started when I saw the time. Eleven o’clock? I got up too quickly and had to wait for the black spots to disappear before heading straight for the shower. As I cleansed with Claudia’s luxury toiletries I started feeling a little better and my mind started filling with thoughts of Charlie, which for once felt less complicated than thinking about anything else.
I’d vowed I wouldn’t be early again for him but I couldn’t help but walk quickly down Claudia’s street to the Tube. Charlie would make everything OK. He was always so even tempered, with nothing fazing him. And he (almost always) made me feel wanted. When I was with him the rest of the world disappeared. There was, as always, the little niggle of worry. I hadn’t seen him since ‘bumping’ into him at the Cock & Bull but he’d texted me when he could, in-between his round-the-clock shifts. It was hard work when another surgeon on your team was off sick. I was grown-up enough to understand that.
When I got to the pub he wasn’t there. Not to worry, not to worry. He’d be here soon. I counted out coins for half a bitter and sat down, aware as I took a sip of how hungry I was. Thank God he’d be buying lunch.
As I sat waiting, and the beer started loosening my mind, a plan that had been slowly gathering voice in the back of my head somewhere since that morning spoke loud and clear. Of course! It was so obvious. I smiled, pleased with myself and took out my phone.
Thank u so much for looking after me last night lovely friend xxx yr drugs blinking knocked me out
Claudia didn’t reply. I didn’t expect her to – she would be in the thick of her workday. On a whim, I texted again.
I’m going to ask Charlie if I can stay with him, so if I’m not home later, I’ll be at his.
There. Send. I hope I haven’t jinxed things by getting ahead of myself.
Oh look, here he is. Excellent timing.
‘I was just thinking about you.’ I smiled in what I hoped was a mischievous way.
‘Oh really?’ he answered flatly as he took off his coat. His face was tight, like he had a lot on his mind. He took his phone out and checked it before slipping it into his pocket. He still hadn’t sat down.
I kept the smile on, determined. ‘Busy at work?’
‘So so. Another one? I’m going to grab a coffee.’ He pointed at my drink and headed to the bar without giving me even a hello peck on the cheek.
It doesn’t matter; stop worrying.
Charlie took a sip of coffee and texted something again. It had to be the twelfth time since he arrived. He hadn’t even really listened when I told him about what had happened with the kids. It was as if that wasn’t even a story, no big deal. This wasn’t at all how I imagined it would be.
‘Do you have to do that?’ I couldn’t stop myself.
‘What?’
‘That . . . texting all the time.’
‘It’s work, I have to.’
‘You said you weren’t busy.’
‘I wasn’t until I got here.’
Charlie’s tone was defensive but he slipped the phone back into his pocket anyway. I noticed he didn’t apologise. But I couldn’t dwell on that – I had to ask him before I lost all enthusiasm for my great plan.
‘Charlie?’
‘Hmmm?’ He was gazing out of the window now. It was like he wasn’t actually in the room with me.
‘I need to ask you something.’
‘Yes?’ He turned to me and I tried a smile again.
‘Can I come and stay with you for a while?’
‘What?’ Charlie went very still.
OK, so he’s listening. That’s a good thing, right?
‘Mara’s kicked me out.’
‘Well—’
‘It won’t be forever, just while I sort something else out—’
‘The thing is—’
‘I won’t be any trouble. I won’t start rearranging your pad or anything,’ I hooted awkwardly. ‘God no, nothing like that—’
‘Sam.’
‘I mean, I’m not into having my style cramped either. I’m not trying to take over your life—’
Please stop me!
‘Sam!’
‘Sorry, I was babbling.’ I blushed.
‘Yes.’
You’re not meant to agree!
‘The thing is—’
‘I do that when I’m nervous.’
‘Sam!’ Charlie held up his hand, palm flat. Stop.
‘Sorry.’
‘The thing is, Sam, I can’t.’
‘Why not?’ I felt myself go into free fall.
‘I just need my space at the moment. It didn’t work out with Lucy and I was living with her, and I just don’t want to mix lovers and living together for a bit.’
‘Lovers?’
Charlie grinned. ‘Sorry, lover. Singular. You pedant.’
I forced myself to grin back. I knew he was right; of course he was. He didn’t want to scupper a good thing. But that didn’t stop me feeling deflated and, to make matters worse, here he was getting up and putting his coat on.
‘Look, I’ve got to go, sorry. I’ve got to nip home to meet the boiler man.’
Boiler man? I stood up with him, putting my coat on in a daze, and he embraced me, kissing me briefly on the lips.
‘I’ll see you soon, OK?’ And he was gone, out through the doors of the pub before I even had time to say, ‘Looking forward to seeing you . . .’
I stuffed my hands in my pockets and walked down the street in a daze. He’d never been so uninterested in me ever. The further away I got from him, the more obvious the truth was. He didn’t want to be there today, not with me. And on the one day I really did need his comfort he wasn’t there for me at all. Stuff this, I thought. I don’t need this! I turned abruptly and headed for Leicester Square station. I’d catch him at home right now. Have it out with him – was he into me or not? I suddenly, violently, couldn’t bear his wishy-washy fence-sitting a minute longer.