I called Nana from Parrot Kingdom.
Sam called her when we were leaving Parrot Kingdom.
I called my dad on the way to the grove and left a message. Then I called Nana to tell her we were there.
“Stop. Drop. Flop!” I shouted. “This is a gold mine of bugs.”
“A bug mine,” Sam said.
“Every rotten orange is a bug hotel,” I said.
“Beetles!” Sam screamed.
“I have forty thousand ants already!” I yelled.
I pulled my shirtfront into a hammock and put the bug oranges in gently.
“Come look at my gnat collection,” Sam said.
“Bring it over, Rover.”
Sam took one step. “The gnats flew away,” he yelled. “Why are you hopping around like you’re on an invisible pogo stick?”
“Ants are running all over my stomach!” I shouted. “And my back!”
“Shake them off,” Sam said.
“They’re in my armpits!” I shouted.
“Take off your shirt!” Sam hollered.
He pulled his off and slapped it against my back.
“They’re falling off,” he said.
“They’re falling in!” I shouted.
“What?” Sam asked.
“I have ants in my pants,” I said.
Sam laughed so hard he burped.
“Pants or underpants?” he screamed.
“Both,” I said. “Be my lookout. I’m going behind that lime tree to take off my shorts. It’s the only way to de-ant them.”
“The coast is clear!” Sam shouted.
I was jumping around in my underpants, shaking my cargo shorts, when I heard something.
“Do you see anybody?” I shouted to Sam.
“Only you,” someone said.
I flipped around.
An old lady was standing there.
“Are you OK?” she asked.
I grabbed my shorts and ran like hurricane wind.
“Get on Zippy!” Sam yelled. “I’ll push.”
If this ever happens to you, do not try to put on your shorts while kneeling on a moving getaway chair.
Sam would not stop singing.
“The ants go marching down your pants,
Hurrah, hurrah.
The little one stops to do a dance,
Hurrah, Hurrah!”
“Ants in My Pants is going on my List of Achievements,” I said.
Being in the rider’s seat gives you time to think about your life. I started off with hard things, like catching a parrot and collecting forty thousand bugs. I moved to easy things like catching an armadillo once you have bugs.
“Make a U-turn!” I yelled.
I called Nana and said we were back at the grove. Actually, Sam was at the grove. He said the lady wouldn’t recognize me with my clothes on but I hid across the street.
Sam made his T-shirt into a bag. I steered Zippy. Due to the neck hole in the bottom of the orange bag, we had to stop a lot to round up the roll-aways.
I dialed Nana. “We’re home. Are you getting much blood?”
“Donors are lined up,” she said. “We’ll be another hour, at least.”
Sam squished bananas. I cut up the skins with Nana’s sewing scissors.
“Add kiwi, blueberries, and all the sugar in this bowl,” I said. “I’ll get a bucket from the garage and meet you outside.”
We squeezed the fruit into mush. The oranges were E-Z P-Z. Most of them got presmashed on the way home.
“Taste this, Chris,” Sam said.
“Sweet, Pete.”
We stashed the bucket of Armadillo Attractor under a yucca plant on the side of the house.
