AUBREY STARED OUT the window of the hospital waiting room at the parking lot below, unsure why she was even here. Why it mattered what the doctor was going to tell her.
But Charles Ramsey was her father, and no matter what he did or how he treated her, a part of her still somehow longed to have him show up in her life, tell her he was sorry and that she was important to him.
Which made absolutely no sense.
He never truly cared for anyone but himself. He’d walked out on her and her mother and betrayed his country. Things like that could never be erased or forgotten. And yet here she was, drinking bad coffee, pacing the floor, and praying he made it through surgery.
One of the doctors, still wearing scrubs, stepped into the room. “Aubrey . . . I’m Dr. Gregory Mantel. I want to give you an update on your father.”
She tried to read his expression as she walked up to him. “Yes.”
“We were able to remove the bullet and patch up the damage. He’s still not out of the woods, but at this point, unless he develops a secondary infection, I believe he should make a full recovery.”
After which he’d be taken into FBI custody. Aubrey frowned at the thought, wondering how she could still feel sorry for him despite everything he’d done.
And everything he hadn’t done.
“Thank you. I appreciate it.”
“There’s one more thing,” the doctor said. “He’s still a bit groggy, but he would like to see you.”
“I . . .” The request hit her squarely like a punch in the gut. “I’m not sure I can do that. The last time I saw him didn’t go so well, and besides that, I’m not sure I have anything to say to him. I was just . . . just waiting to make sure he got out of surgery okay.”
She took a step back, unsure of why she was explaining to the doctor her reasons for not wanting to see her own father.
“It’s your decision. I just wanted to give you an update and pass on his request.”
“Of course. Thank you.”
She moved back to the window as the doctor left the room, trying to untangle her emotions. No matter how hard she tried to let him go, Charles Ramsey still had a hold on her.
“I’m sorry I took so long.” Jack stepped into the room with two cups of coffee. “Any news yet?”
“Yes.” She pushed back the looming wall of emotion. “The doctor just stopped by. My father’s out of surgery and, given time, should recover.”
“Good. I know my boss will be glad to hear that. We need his testimony.” He handed her one of the coffees. “I’m sorry . . . that didn’t come out the way I meant it to.”
She shook her head. “You’re fine. Even I’m not sure if I should feel sad or relieved or mad . . .”
“Whatever you feel is okay. I don’t think there’s a precedent for something like this.”
“I guess they don’t make sympathy cards for finding out your father was a spy and a traitor?”
Jack chuckled. “You’ve still got your sense of humor. I’m guessing that’s a good sign.”
“I suppose. But there is something else.” Her smile faded. “He wants to see me.”
“And I’m guessing you don’t want to.”
“I don’t know.” She took a sip of her coffee, wishing this wasn’t so hard. “Do you think I should?”
“I can’t make that decision for you, but I do know that sometimes forgiveness is more for the person who needs to forgive than the person who needs to receive it. Even if that’s all that’s left to be said.”
She knew he was right, but how was she supposed to forgive the one person who’d hurt her more than anyone else?
I just don’t know how to do this, Jesus.
She sat down in one of the cushioned chairs, thankful the small waiting room was empty. “I know we’re supposed to forgive, seventy times seven, and yet this time . . . I don’t know if I can. When I think about what he’s done—the lying, the betrayal of both my mom and me, and on top of that of his country. How am I supposed to forgive that? How am I supposed to act like nothing happened?”
“Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting everything that happened. It doesn’t mean that everything will suddenly be okay again, and it certainly doesn’t automatically wipe away the hurt. It probably won’t even mean your relationship is repaired. But it might bring you the freedom you’ve never found.”
She heard the emotion in his voice and knew he was thinking about what she needed, but forgiveness wasn’t something she could simply dole out like a vending machine.
“I know I should, but I’m so angry with him, Jack. And somehow forgiveness seems like I’m giving him an easy out. Like he can just skip the consequences, and everything will suddenly have this happily-ever-after ending because he asked for forgiveness. But for me, it doesn’t change anything.”
He sat down beside her and waited for her to continue.
“What bothers me the most is that I thought I was over all of this. Thought I’d dealt with all my father issues years ago, but now I find out I haven’t. His coming back into my life has been like ripping off a scab I didn’t even know was there. And now . . . now I don’t know how to react to the emotions seeing him brings up.”
Jack set his coffee cup on the table beside him and pulled her into his arms. She nestled her head against his shoulder, breathing in the calming sense of his presence. For a moment, she could almost forget why she was waiting in the hospital with her father only a few doors down, and instead imagine what it would be like to delve into what Jack had told her last night. Their conversation was interrupted, but she hadn’t stopped thinking about what he said. Hadn’t been able to avoid wondering what might have happened if, all those years ago, he’d told her how he felt.
But she knew all too well that she couldn’t change the past.
She also wasn’t sure she was ready to deal with the confusing feelings passing between them. For the moment, she simply needed him to be there for her.
“My advice,” Jack said, “is to remember that this is all going to take time to deal with, and in the meantime, don’t be so hard on yourself. I have a feeling God understands this is a process. It’s all a part of your healing.”
“Thank you for listening and understanding me.” She blinked back the tears, then looked up at him. “For walking me back from the ledge—more than once.”
“Always. I know this has been hard. I know you’re exhausted and probably haven’t even had time to process all of your emotions, but that’s okay. Because you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t hurt, Bree. And the bottom line is, you don’t have to go in there.”
“But if I don’t, will I regret it?”
“Only you can answer that.”
She nodded, trying to pull up her last reserves of strength. The past week had sucked everything out of her both emotionally and physically. But this . . . having to deal with her father had pulled her to a place she didn’t want to go. But she needed closure, and she knew that the only way she would get that was to see him one last time. To forgive him, and then somehow find a way to move on.
“I’ll regret it if I don’t go see him,” she said.
“Do you want me to come with you?”
She shook her head and stood up. “Thanks, but I’ll be fine.”
Aubrey drew in a deep breath as she walked down the hallway to her father’s hospital room. She stopped at the foot of his bed. He was asleep, giving her a few moments to prepare herself as she listened to the constant beep of the monitors surrounding him. But the deep-rooted anxiety refused to leave her alone. She turned to leave.
“Aubrey . . . wait. Don’t go. I didn’t think you were going to come by.”
Her stomach clenched. She shouldn’t have come. “I didn’t mean to wake you up.”
“I’m glad you did. I wanted to see you one last time. There are so many things I need to tell you. I know you’re probably not going to believe me, but I never meant for any of this to happen.”
“Never meant for what to happen?” She sucked in a deep breath and felt her anxiety increase. Where did she even begin, after so many years of silence between them? “Never meant to run off with a younger woman and break my mother’s heart? Never meant for me to be raised by a single mom who struggled to pay the bills? Or are you talking about betraying your country—”
“Stop.”
“Why? It’s all true.”
“I know, I just . . . I never meant to hurt you in the process. You’re my daughter.”
“No, you gave up that right when you walked out on me and Mom, and nothing you say now will change anything. Did you never think about how your choices were going to affect so many other people?”
“I just . . . I made one bad mistake and then another and before I knew it, I had lost everything. And everything I did after that just made things worse.”
“But they were all your choices, and you decided not to stand by your commitments. All I ever wanted was a father. Someone who came home at night after work. Who showed up at my ballet recital and high school graduation. That was enough for me. I wanted it to be enough for you.”
“I’m sorry, Aubrey.”
“And you know what’s really sad? This is what’s left of your life. You’re going to spend the rest of your life in prison.”
He stared straight ahead, avoiding her gaze.
“Just tell me why.”
“Why I left your mother? Why I went and messed up my life? Why I hurt my only daughter?”
She paused, surprised by his response. Not only had he admitted he’d hurt her, but the defiance he’d had in his eyes for so long was gone. Still, she wasn’t sure she believed him. He made his living lying and deceiving those around him. Why would this time be any different?
“If I didn’t know better, it almost sounds like you regret your choices,” she said. “Or maybe you just regret getting caught.”
“If I were to do it all over again . . . honestly . . . I don’t know what I’d do. But I do know one thing.” His hand trembled as he lifted it and held it out toward her. “I just . . . I need you to forgive me, Aubrey.”
She crossed her arms in front of her, fixated on a spot on the wall just above his head. She knew Jack was right, but it seemed far too late for forgiveness. Nothing would give her back the lost pieces of her childhood or fix her mother’s broken heart.
And after everything he’d done, did he really think that he could simply ask her to forgive him and everything would somehow magically be okay? His demeanor had completely changed from the last time she saw him. On the boat, he still seemed cocky and arrogant. Certain his plan was going to work out. But now he had no place to hide.
She turned around, ready to walk out. There were memories that haunted her for years. Memories that faded over time as she learned how to move on with her life, but to truly forgive him after all the hurt he left behind? How was she supposed to do that?
She could hear Jack’s words, pulsing through her head. Forgiveness wasn’t only for her father’s benefit, it was also for hers. But she wasn’t sure she knew how to do that. How did she just forgive the man who never spent a day thinking about anyone but himself?
But maybe none of those things were what was at stake right now.
Maybe her own heart was at stake. Maybe finally letting go was the only way she was going to be totally free of her past. Free of the bitterness that could overwhelm her if she let it.
He’d made his decisions. Now she was going to make hers.
She turned back around and faced him. “I’m deciding to forgive you. Because while you were off doing . . . whatever, we made it, Mom and I. We made a good life for ourselves, and in the end, you were the one who missed out on all the things a father is supposed to be a part of. You thought there was something better out there. But I choose to forgive you, because as imperfect as I see you, I’m just as imperfect.”
A feeling of peace washed over her as she spoke. She’d lost out on having him as her father, but she’d been given so many other things in return. And it was time to start living again.