To every journey there needs be an end. As this book is about getting away for a while without a trace, it is logical that we conclude with a discussion about returning to your old haunts. Of course, there will be those who have no desire to return, and I will address that as well.

When and if you decide to return home, you will need to settle any affairs in the place where you have taken refuge. If you have been sheltered or otherwise aided by others, you should at least thank them for their kind assistance, and possibly offer them a gift or other compensation for their help. Never burn your bridges behind you; you never know when you may need to cross them again.

If you have been working a job, then you should turn in a notice if possible. Sometimes doing so will prompt your employer to tell you to forget the notice and take a hike immediately. If you think this may be the case, then just leave them high and dry.Assholes like that deserve what they get. Working Man Jack had a great experience with the company he was with, so he turned in a full two weeks notice. Now he has a good reference he can use to find work back home.

If you have been self-employed, let your clients know that your services will soon no longer be offered. Don’t leave customers in the lurch. Remember what I said about not burning bridges behind you. If nothing else, they may serve as valuable references when you open up shop back home.

Now is the time to see any sights you have been putting off seeing and to gather a few souvenirs of your little adventure. Do NOT, however, lower your guard and start blabbing about your real reasons for being in the area. And don’t start acting up at the end. Stupid mistakes like these can come back to bite you in the butt. Make your exit with class and discretion.

RE-EMERGING

It makes no sense to return to your old life if the problems that led you to seek sanctuary are still active. Make sure the finance company is satisfied, the stalker is in prison, or the problem is otherwise resolved before you head home. Still keep your communications discreet, though.

Sally was able to catch a bus home to testify against her old love. He got 20 years with no chance of parole, and she is now safe. She is taking computer courses at the local vocational college and will soon have a high-paying and secure job.

If you left behind family or friends you did not share your plans with, then they may be a little pissed when you show up after they have written you off as dead. There are two options for dealing with this:

1. Simply tell them the truth. This is the easiest and often the best approach. Once they understand that you were facing a major crisis, they will likely be understanding and just glad that you are safe. Sally did this, as did Working Man Jack. Their friends and family were just glad to have them back.
2. Lie. Being a mischievous type, this was my approach. I have been telling inquirers that I was driving down a lonely country road on a dark evening last fall when a glowing, saucershaped object appeared in the air. Suddenly short, grayish beings with huge heads were standing in the road in front of me as my engine stalled. The next thing I knew it was Summer of 2002, and I was lying naked in a field with mysterious bruises all over my body and an anus that was swollen like hell. That’s all I know, honest.

You may have a financial mess on your hands when you get back if you did not keep up with your bills. Try to contact your creditors and set up a payment plan. A debt counseling organization may be of some help, as might the various books available on credit repair, such as BestCredit: How to Win the Credit Game (Paladin Press).

Of course, after being away for a while, you may just want to say to hell with it all and stay gone.

SAYING TO HELL WITH IT ALL

There are many possible reasons for staying gone. You may not have realized until you took off just how shitty your old life was.You may have concluded that the problems back home either can’t be solved or aren’t worth the effort. Or you may have fallen in love with your new life and decided to make it permanent.Whatever the reason, there are things you must consider.

Permanent identity change is possible, even in the age of Big Brother. You must realize that there are only three identifiers that allow the government and private sources to keep tabs on you.These are your name, your birth date, and your Social Security number. Alter these and you will literally appear to slip between the cracks, as far as the major databases are concerned. You can then acquire new identifiers and re-emerge for all practical purposes reborn, your old life left behind forever. With care and caution it is possible to avoid any past mistakes you have made and do well in your new identity. You must always exercise some degree of caution to maintain a low profile lest you are discovered, however.

Having returned home, the author celebrates
in high style with friends and family.

The most difficult identifier to alter is your Social Security number, but it can be done. If you are considering this, I highly recommend that you read the most up-to-date books you can find on permanent ID change. The two currently on the market that I think are the best are How to Disappear in America and The Paper Trip III, both published by Eden Press, and Modern Identity Changer, published by Paladin Press. (By the way, Unlucky Larry did this, and he is now Lucky Larry, working under his new name of Rusty Shackelford at an outdoors store in Colorado, where the possibilities for outdoor recreation are endless. His wife was not so lucky; she choked on a stale pastry she bought to console herself after her boyfriend dumped her.)

There is a method of identity change I recently read about that seems more foolproof than others. You find someone who is dying of AIDS or another incurable disease and arrange to “take over” their life in exchange for monetary compensation. Since death certificates are normally only filed in the county in which the death occurs, you must not reside in that county. Other than that limitation, this technique seems quite sound.

After nine months in refuge, I can honestly say that my life is much better. I have been able to take stock of things to realize how much I have been under the control of false guilt and incorrect thinking. I have seen new things, met new people, and learned new skills. I am a better person for the experience. I sincerely hope that your “sabbatical” will be just as rewarding for you. I wish you all the best.

As a final note, I want to announce a little contest. I have dropped little hints throughout this book about what state I took refuge in but never actually said which one it was. I am interested in learning how many of my faithful readers can figure it out. So I make the following offer: if you think you know where I was, then write to me in care of the publisher and tell me the state and why you came to your conclusion. The first five readers who guess correctly will receive a free, autographed copy of this book.

Again, best of luck to all of you. Take care.