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Lo
It’s been three months since Brant went insane, and Jase and I have been dating the entire time. Brant drove his car into the Hollow Ridge ravine, he never made it to the police station for what he did. My mom and dad were distraught that I got knocked out. In the end, I ended up with a concussion, but both Jase and Millie made it out okay and that made it all worth it.
I remember the moment we woke up in the hospital side by side. His eyes were already on mine, watching me, absorbing all the snores I’m sure he heard.
I planned on saying yes before he got hurt, but that only made me more solid in my choice. Seeing him hurt like that made me realize that I need him in my life. By me being stubborn, he hadn’t had the chance before. I want that chance now.
No matter how little the time.
The last week, Jase’s been acting weird. I’m sure it’s stress from not being able to play when the scouts were here for him.
Tobe and I have been like opposing sides of magnets. No matter how close we are, he refuses to accept change. It never crossed my mind that I’d miss my best friend this much. I push, and he pulls. There’s nowhere for us to function together. When Jase and I officially started dating, Tobe backed off completely.
From our friendship.
From our combined assignments.
From my life entirely.
Even after me saving his mom and Jase from Brant or when I was in the hospital, he’s been cold. He refuses to look me in the eyes, and we haven’t talked much more than in passing. He’s angry. I can see it in the way his eyebrows are pinched as he stares from across the lunchroom or in class. When Jase kisses me, and Tobe’s near, he curls his lips in a soundless snarl. Tobe flaunts his new chicks as if it’s supposed to upset me. It does but not for the reasons he thinks.
It upsets me that he can’t just be my friend without wanting more. I’ve always believed we were better than this, but he’s proving I was wrong. When he decides to be an adult and talk again, we’ll definitely discuss his childish behavior.
The more my mind wanders, the antsier I become.
I think Jase is going to dump me.
It sounds childish, stupid even, but I feel it. When he separates from my lips quicker, when he doesn’t look into my eyes when talking to me, and especially when college gets brought up. His eyes go downcast, like he has his mind elsewhere.
I’ve mulled over the possibility of him calling it quits. It seems realistic. He’s distant. He hasn’t tried to sleep with me and has avoided me like a bad bag of potatoes for the last few days. I could easily be overreacting, but I don’t know him enough otherwise. We’re still new. This—us—it’s still fresh.
We’re only starting to get to know one another. I’m nowhere near the “I love you” stage, or the, “I can’t live without you” stage either. I’m just enjoying our moments. Brief or not, they’re something, I’m just not sure what yet.
I mean, we’re teenagers.
Do any teenagers know? Like actually know?
We’re not meant to have our entire life planned out, only a day-by-day type routine. I want to go to college, get a degree in culinary arts, and then see where life goes from there. He wants sports, money, a family, and to be set for life.
Maybe I should cut it off with him before he does me. Is that realistic? He’s going to college after he graduates. For at least four years, even. How am I supposed to trust a guy I’ve only started dating to be faithful?
It’s easier if we stop now rather than wait for the inevitable. It’s why I didn’t want to date in high school anyway. Attachments aren’t for me. Luckily, I haven’t let my grades slip, or I’d definitely be singing another tune. My heart hasn’t been released into his arms, not yet, not ever if I’m smart.
Things are too choppy. We teenagers are too emotional, and everything is up in the air when we don’t know what we want. That’s not a variable I’m comfortable with.
Dreams exist at this age. We live for the now and hope for a good future. Planning that far ahead makes me dizzy. Hell, all this thinking is making me dizzy.
“Miss Tanner,” Mrs. Hallstead says rudely, interrupting my thoughts.
Apparently, we’re talking about cultured DNA and how to maximize its replication in the correct heat. I missed most of it but read ahead last night in preparation.
“Yes, Mrs. Hallstead?” I feign innocence, like my mind wasn’t just running over everything that shouldn’t matter.
“What best machinery and temperature is best for replicating DNA?”
“One hundred-ninety degrees and a thermal cycler is best for the heat and separation we need. After, the centrifuge is best for replication,” I answer confidently.
She doesn’t know I prepare before each class because of her lacking teaching ability. The surprise on her face is answer enough.
Someone behind me chortles.
“Stick that in your pipe and smoke it,” another whispers and coughs to cover it.
“Very well,” she admonishes, turning back to the formula on the whiteboard.
The small victory is short-lived for me because my mind is dead set on saving itself and my heart from Jason Collins.
It’s for the best.
I may be a teenager, but I’m intelligent enough to realize that when a guy backs off, he has other things on his mind, other things that don’t include me. Maybe he strayed and is too scared to say something.
He’s out for the season, and he had been taking it easy. Now, Jase is back at it, exercising like it fuels his existence. Since then, he’s been distant.
Shaking my head, I listen to the rest of the lecture. When class ends and the bell for lunch rings out, I head over to Ellie’s locker. Ellie and I have been detached, too. It’s strange, but I’m oddly okay with it. My gaze scans the lockers. There are flyers for prom and the last musical of the year. When I look up at her, she’s standing with Francis, the swim team captain. He’s her recent beau. He’s a looker, and I can see why she’s head over heels for him.
For as long as it lasts at least.
One thing I’ve learned since they started dating is that Francis is the richest kid in Hollow Ridge, or at least, his parents are. They not only own Meridian Central Hospital, but his mom is the lead surgeon there too. It’s crazy how small this town is but how high dollar it seems to be a the same time. She acts in love. But how can someone love another person within weeks? It’s not plausible.
Not that it’s any of my business, but I also think she needs to slow down. We’re teenagers, and they’re already talking about a five-year plan, babies, marriage, and so many things that are way too far ahead to discuss. She’s not a planner. She’s not even a more than a day-by-dayer, but with him, she’s jumping in blind.
I’m being such an old lady for a sixteen-year-old.
“Hey, Eleanor,” I announce while hugging her from behind.
She shucks me off, her face scrunched. It only lasts a moment before she places a placid smile on.
“Hey, Renny pie,” she coos.
That’s her name for me, a weird ass creature-sounding term of endearment. I’ve accepted her quirkiness and know it compliments my solid headedness. We are quite the pair. But that moment, just before, when she gave me a look of disgust, it’s settled into my stomach. Maybe it’s anxiety. Both Jase and Ellie can’t be pushing me away, right?
“Hey, Loren.” Francis sidesteps Ellie, welcoming me with a smile and our weird fist bump thing.
I laugh because he’s like me, not really much of a fit-in-groups kind of person. We’re two in the same, and maybe that’s why Ellie gets along with us both.
“Lunch?” I offer, and Ellie looks at Francis. They give each other googly eyes before making out for a moment, a really long, gag-worthy moment, and then he heads to his next class while we trail off to the lunchroom.
“What’s up with you?” Ellie asks, eyeing me warily. She knows me too well, and sometimes for someone as closed off as me, it’s a healthy dose. Or maybe she’s pretending to care? What is wrong with me?
“I think he’s going to dump me.” I don’t sound extremely broken up, but I feel it in me.
The pain, an ongoing ache that never abates.
It’s graspable, the pang of fear and sadness. We have something good, that much I realize already. He makes my cheeks warm, my stomach clench, and my lady bits want him, too.
“You’re overthinking. Maybe guys have their own PMS. Like dick-period or something.” She scratches her chin, and I can’t hold in the ridiculous laughter from her odd personality.
“How do you come up with this shit? You’re so far from normal,” I say, barely containing the laughter in my voice.
“Never claimed to be normal. Who would want to be?” Quirking an eyebrow at me, she sighs like I’m a child not understanding the wisdom of life.
“I don’t think it’s a dick-sickness or whatever the fuck you meant to say. He’s probably bored. We haven’t had sex,” I whisper the last part, eyeing the kids around us.
It’s no news to Ellie that I’m a virgin. No guy has caught my interest. They’re all stupid and immature. I’m not one of those chicks who wants to get it over with, but I’m also not waiting for some prince. I want it to be fun and hot. Is that too much to ask for?
“You haven’t let him pluck your cherry?” she teases, wiggling her eyebrows and nudging me with her elbow.
“Seriously? Shut up. And no. I’m terrified.”
Which isn’t exactly a lie, I don’t want to fall in love with him because he took my virginity. I’ve been told that happens. I wish they taught us this kind of shit in school. It’d be pertinent to my inner struggles.
“Then maybe he’s getting it elsewhere. It’s Jason Collins we’re talking about,” she utters softly, peering from side to side. What the hell?
Her eyes finally meet mine. They aren’t reprimanding or hateful, they’re truthful and full of worry. She wasn’t Jase’s biggest fan in the beginning, and he’s barely got her respect. I think it had more to do with him turning her down, but her statement settles in, biting me where it hurts.
“Yeah, I fucking get it. Let’s just drop it.” I pray to a fucking god, not sure which. I’m not religious, but nevertheless, I pray my best friend is wrong.
“No, talk. It’s not healthy to hold all this shit in.”
I eye her warily, placing my thumbs in my too-small-for-anything-other-than-thumbs pockets.
“I’m just going to dump him before he breaks my heart. Plus, if he's fucking some chicks behind my back, I might as well save myself the heartbreak now.”
“Do you even have one in there?” she questions, tapping her knuckles on my chest. “Seems hollow to me.”
She doesn’t mean it to be a bitch, but it didn’t stop me from flinching anyway. I’m a very closed-off person. My heart is mine and mine alone. I love people endlessly, and I can’t afford to love Jase. We only started dating for fuck’s sake.
“Thank you for that,” I growl, narrowing my eyes at her.
“I’m just saying you don’t let anyone in. You’re asking for a lonely future, babe.” Ellie sighs, overreacting to this entire thing like normal.
“I get it, but I’m scared. Love leads to pain and then death. I’m not a love-with-abandon kind of girl. You know that.”
We make it to the double doors, stopping only for her to place her hands on my shoulders. Ellie doesn’t have lunch with me but she’s ditching class to be with Francis later on. It’s something you’ll never catch me doing for a guy.
“Renny, girl. You can’t let what happened to your mom and dad reflect on your love life. You’re missing out on life because of this fear,” she replies softly.
Rolling my eyes obnoxiously, I growl out my next words. “You’ve been in love three times, Ellie. You’ve cried yourself to sleep in my arms two of those times. I’ve lived vicariously through you. I don’t need the experience.”
“Noted.”
She drops it, knowing she won’t win, and we head for the salad bar. My concoction of weird shit is going in a different direction today.
I feel bad for being a bitch, but I have my reasons and I've seen her broken over guys. It doesn't feel worth it whatsoever, not even for a guy who seems as amazing as Jase.
After we pay the clerk lady, we head to my new regular destination outside under the tall tree on the west side of the lawn, where we start eating and avoiding conversation all together. It’s not like us to be this childish, but we both said some bitchy things.
“Lo!” The voice I’ve been dreaming of for days calls out to me.
I’m mid bite, my thousand island dressing dribbling down my chin. My eyes find his tight navy t-shirt wearing body. Pattering assaults my chest, and an ache I’m not sure of starts in my stomach and trails between my thighs. His body is one of scriptures. It’s godlike and perfect. He’s a fine specimen, and for now, he’s mine. I want him... and more than just our heavy petting. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not new to masturbating and getting myself off, but with Jase, I know we’ll be different.
“Hey,” I say around a mouthful of salad, remembering our first encounter.
His boyish smile is directed at me, and he kneels next to me. Seeing the dressing, he thumbs it away from my chin then licks his finger clean.
“I can’t tell if I’m going to vomit or swoon over the adorableness of that,” Ellie pops out, faux gagging and winking at the same time.
“Give us a minute?” Jase requests softly.
She gets up and heads to the other people I don’t like sans Francis, and he turns back to me, seriousness in his gaze but also a playfulness that he can never truly hide. He’s a troublemaker at heart. He just has that joking charm about him.
“We need to talk,” he blurts.
I glare at him because I’m not one of those overdramatic chicks who cries over situations as mild as this one. Staring at him, I wait for him to continue. Since he’s not taking the hint, I wave my hand, telling him to keep talking.
“I’m graduating soon,” he starts then sits back, creating a distance between us.
He plucks the grass, and I want to shake him, to tell him to just get on with it. This doesn’t need to drag out any longer than necessary. Hasn’t he ever seen breakups on TV? They’re quick and brutal, not slow and ongoing.
“I’m not sure how this will work. Maybe we should break up,” he mutters with a frown. His eyes are downcast. His shoulders are slumped, and he continues to ruin the grass with his nerves.
“Before we’re really anything?” I ask sardonically. Placing my hand over my chest, I use bullshit to get away from the hurt his words just brought me. “Let me guess. You want to fuck everyone with legs, and since I haven’t given it up yet...” I bat my eyes at him. “You’re getting bored with me?” Again, it’s like a TV drama.
He shakes his head immediately, his face somber and pained, as if I’m the one hurting him and not the other way around. Fuck that. It’s annoying. He’s the one taking the cop-out. Asshole. He can’t put this on me. I’ve been all in.
Haven’t I?
“That’s not it,” he rumbles, pinching the bridge of his nose.
But it has to be. I haven’t given it up to him, and I’m not ready. I’m scared of love. I’m terrified of the repercussions.
“Then, what is it?” I prod, unable to be cordial. I don’t raise my voice. I’m not going to cause a scene. It’s not my style.
“I really like you.”
“But...” I interrupt as he chokes over some words.
“But when I’m gone, he’ll be here with you, and I won’t be. I don’t trust him around you.” His voice has telltale signs of jealousy and fear. I don’t even have to see his expression to know that.
Toby. He must be talking about his brother who dropped me like a sack of potatoes. Why, at this moment, is he worried when there was no mention of him before this point?
“You’re worried I’ll fall for Toby?” I sound bitter and resentful, and that’s probably because I feel exactly that. He’s being a child.
“Yes,” he grits out.
I can see it was hard for him to admit that. My anger recoils a little, and I try to see it from his point of view.
“I only want you,” I say. Raising my hand, I place it on his stubbled chin. “I don’t want Toby.”
“Doesn’t mean you won’t over time. He’s fucking in love with you!” His voice rises.
What set this in motion? Why now? What’s changed? And why the hell does he not trust me? I’ve never done anything to put suspicion in him.
“Well, I don’t love him like that, and if you can’t see me for someone worth fighting for, then I’m done.”
My lunch is all but forgotten. Standing up, I take my tray, toss it, and go to find Ellie. Jase can be a dick all he wants. There’s no reason for this childlike behavior.
I’m so fucking done with high school.