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Present
Jase
I refuse.
I refuse to accept she’s pregnant.
She can’t be carrying a child. Our child? I made goddamn sure to wrap up every single time we fucked. Jesus. My mind races, wondering how I ended up sleeping with my wife’s best friend, how I allowed myself to get into bed with a woman who isn’t my wife. Resentment bubbles through. Did she tamper with the condoms?
Stop. She wouldn’t do that.
Nora came at the right time. She knew I was suffering.
Just like in college when I knew she was hurting.
But you never cheated then.
Back in high school, I used to call her Eleanor. It’s how I pushed her aside. She hated that name. Then, it turned to Nora, the woman who got inside my chest, burrowing her talons in me endlessly. I never saw her coming, couldn’t even prepare for it.
Seeing Lo’s face in the driveway, I’ve never felt astronomically stupid. What have I done?
I thought I would have a chance to fix us, to not ruin everything and move forward. Grovel, maybe. Show her I fucked up, but nothing has changed. She’s the only love of my life. She’s my soul. Not the mate but the soul. She keeps it intact, keeps me sane and wholesome. The more I think of it, the more I see Lo’s face after seeing Ellie... I know it’s over.
It’s over.
We’re done.
I feel it inside of me, the weight of it festering inside like a geyser, waiting to explode, waiting to destroy everything in sight, and my heart is first to go.
“Jason,” Nora whines.
Usually I find her peaceful. Right now, she’s cancer. She’s obsidian death creeping over my limbs, sucking me dry of anything light. Without Lo, that brightness is gone. Without Lo, only blackness and hate survives.
“She hates me,” Nora pouts, her lip wobbling, making me hate her in this moment for making this about herself.
“What the fuck do you expect?” I bark, my face hot. “Did you think she’d be okay with us fucking? Tainting the only love either of us had with her? I told you to stop, that we were done. My biggest regret is sticking my dick in you when she needed me. Biggest fucking regret, Eleanor. Look at you now. You’ve ruined it... for the both of us.” The vehemence spitting from my tongue is as acidic as the taste in my mouth. Lethal. Rotten. Decayed.
Grinding my teeth until they feel like they’ll break, I breathe through my nose as much as possible. If I open my mouth, I’ll say shit she doesn’t want to hear. I’ll say shit I’ll regret. I’ll say shit that’ll tarnish every good memory, replacing it with bad. Only bad.
And at this moment, I know. I know she made this little thing happen. She made it so Lo would see her. She knew. Somehow, she realized Lo would come home and see us together. It’s what she wanted. Her little revenge, a temper tantrum.
Lo’s face proved what I already knew. She’s not going to recover any time soon, if at all.
“Do you think I care?” she screeches, her eyes full of tears and smeared with mascara. “I don’t. She’s nothing to me. You are everything, Jason.”
Is she fucking mad?
In what world would we have been together?
Even with feelings involved, they didn’t touch my profound and fierce love for my wife. Though she helped heal me, she was nothing. She paled in comparison.
“Leave,” I shout, waving her off.
Her eyes narrow, her hatred and venom dripping from the sneer on her lips.
“You can’t do this. I won’t let you. I’m carrying your child,” she hisses.
“Maybe if you listened or even shut your mouth for five seconds, this friendship could’ve been salvaged. Not anymore.”
“Friendship?” she jeers, spit leaving her lips. “We have something, Jason. It’s love!”
“No!” I growl. “Had. We had. It was an indulgence, a selfish cry for help. You’re the drugs that’ll kill me. Loren is the rehab that’ll save me. She is the cure, and you’re the fucking disease.”
I don’t look back when I walk away and slam the front door, locking it behind me. My back collides with the wood, and I slowly slide down it.
*****
Ace
YOU’RE TOLD NOTHING is certain. It’s explained many times by many people. Nothing is perfect or right. But my parents? They’ve always proven that statement untrue.
They proved love conquered all.
It survived their school years and the birth of me and Jazzy bear. I even thought it survived Grandma’s death.
It didn’t.
Suddenly, love didn’t conquer all.
Love didn’t endure her death.
It didn’t prevail all circumstances.
It lost, and so did we.
Lilac. I had another sister. We never got to meet her. I remember Mom talking about her, telling us she would love us, and I love being a big brother. I love protecting Jazzy, and wanted to protect Lilac, too. Dad said she had to go, that her love was too bright and beautiful for the world, but it didn’t stop me from being angry. It hurt that she didn’t want to meet me as much as I wanted to meet her. I wanted to help Mom feed her, watch her grow big like Jazzy, and to one day need me to defend her. I wanted to play video games with her and help her learn how to read.
But she left.
She abandoned me, too.
I’m young, but I see things. When you’re forced to grow up in the midst of death, you see everything from the outside. It’s like your life is a fish bowl, and you’re the one looking in.
I remember seeing my mom break, seeing her beat herself up over Grandma’s death. It hurt me to see her in so much pain. It killed me knowing there was nothing I could do.
I tried loving the life back into her. No matter how much love I put into her, into our family, into everything around us, it wasn’t enough.
She disappeared for a while.
I know it wasn’t her intention. She tried. She failed, though.
Even when she was lost, she loved me.
I love her so much.
Now, she’s back. It’s like no time has passed, but I see the pain she tries to hide. I see everything she tries to keep from us all.
She’ll hug me, and it’s like she has to remind herself that it’s okay to love me. When she kisses my forehead, it’s longer than it once was, like if she lets go too soon, I’ll disappear too.
She’s damaged.
She doesn’t know that I see how she is with Uncle T or how he watches her with more love than Dad shows her, but it’s like she doesn’t notice. Her eyes are almost vacant, the life gone or hidden beneath the brown hues of her irises.
I want to hug and love the sadness out of her. Is that possible? Can I protect her from her pain and ease it with my own love? It hurts seeing her in pain and noticing Dad doesn’t care. He doesn’t protect and heal her like he’s supposed to.
He changed.
We were close once. He used to take me to baseball and football games. We used to play catch, go to the movies, and even play video games together. It’s not like that anymore, and at first, it made me unbearably sad. Now, all that’s left is anger.
It’s because of Aunt El. He doesn’t know that I know, that I’ve seen them, that Gray told me everything months ago.
And I hate them for it. Both of them.
“Ace!” Gray yells, running toward me.
Her mom just dropped her off, and we usually walk to class together. Gray has this unspoken crush on me, but she’s too good of a friend for me to want romance. I’m focused and determined to get into Brookewood like my dad.
“What’s up?” I inquire when she finally catches up to me.
Her eyes search my face, like she’s holding something back. We have Baker’s class in fifteen minutes. If she doesn’t spring it on me now, she’s not going to be able to. Our history teacher is strict about talking.
“Well, spit it out, String Bean.”
“I hate when you call me that,” she mutters. “I don’t know how to tell you. No matter which way it goes, you’ll hate me. I don’t want to lose our friendship, Ace, and I definitely don’t want to make home worse for you.”
Gray knows about my mom. I tell her everything. Literally. She’s the only person I can talk to who understands. If our parents weren’t best friends, I wouldn’t say it.
“You’re making me nervous,” I pry, hoping she’ll give me relief. This has my anxiety worse than normal. She knows this. She was there for me as my mom shut down on us all. She always listens to me. Hell, she’s practically family.
“Your dad...” she pauses, biting her lip. She grips the straps to her backpack, her eyes on the ground in front of us,
“My dad, what?”
“I saw him...” She stops again. Her knuckles blotchy from the grip she has on her bag. “I saw him with my mom this morning.”
Why would he be with Ellie?
Why would it matter that he was with Ellie?
They’re old friends.
Something unsettling builds inside me. Dad never came home last night.
No. He wouldn’t do that to my mom, to our family, to Jazzy. No. He wouldn’t. It must be my teenager brain. He wouldn’t cheat on Mom. Right?
“What do you mean?”
There, not jumping to conclusions.
“I woke up earlier today for pictures. Wanted to curl my hair, or whatever,” she says, blushing. “But I heard talking and went to investigate. Mom never brings guys home...” she trails off as if embarrassed. “Well, I went into the kitchen. Your dad was kissing her, his shirt wasn’t on, and they were practically humping.”
By the end, she has tears in her eyes. Whether from fear or disappointment, she’s crying. And I’m fuming. A rage I’ve never experienced fills me. Hatred unlike anything describable makes my body freeze in the middle of the hallway.
“What the fuck did you just say?” I demand venomously. I don’t mean to sound cruel, but the bitterness in my system is stronger than any care in the world.
“Our parents. They’re cheating on your mom.”
Cheating. My piece of crap dad is stepping out on my mom.
“Why’s Daddy and Aunt Ewwie fighting, Ace?” Jaz mopes next to me, bringing me back from the memory. I’ve been watching them for a half hour through the blinds.
My sister isn’t aware of the bad things in life, and I plan to keep it that way.
“Probably forgot that it’s my birthday soon,” I lie.
My dad and Ellie have been screwing around on Mom, and she just found out. Good. I told myself I would tell her if he didn't. She doesn’t deserve to be lied to. But I didn’t. I chickened out. It’d destroy our family. It has destroyed our family.
“It’s your birfday?” Her eyes are wide, and her bottom lip protrudes. “We didn’t get you a cake,” she pouts.
“Oh, no, Jazzy bear. It’s not for a few weeks. Don’t worry. You didn’t forget,” I cajole, trying to soothe her anxiety. I pull her onto my lap, kissing her forehead and rubbing circles into her back. “Don’t you worry your pretty little head.”
“I don’t like when everyone fights,” she whimpers. Little whimpers continue to shake her tiny frame.
I hold her close then lift her, taking her to my room to watch Shrek.
“Let’s watch your favorite ogre,” I say, distracting her. “I’ll even make you popcorn.”
“Really?” she asks, her crying put on a momentary hold. She has a dog’s attention span sometimes, and I admire that.
“Yup, and I’ll even let you sit in my chair.”
“No way!” she shouts, her face filled with excitement.
I wipe away the stray tears and set her on my bean bag chair.
“I’ll be back. Get the movie started,” I suggest. She may be young, but she can operate the Xbox like a pro.
She nods at me, a big smile on her face. As she does that, I head into the pantry, grabbing popcorn to microwave. One thing you learn when your mom shuts down is how to cook the little things.
In the distance, the front door slams.
Instead of starting the popcorn, I tiptoe into the foyer. From where I’m standing, his crying can be heard.
My dad... crying.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen or heard him cry.
But hearing him cry doesn’t fix the misery he’s caused. It doesn’t ease the betrayal. My fists ball up on their own accord, and I’m practically stomping toward him. The newfound anger that’s been bottled up releases like a deadly gas leak.
“How could you do that to Mom?” My voice slices through the air. Uncontrollable and bitter. It’s harsh and untamed, and it shakes with the hatred I feel inside.
His head lifts to mine. His eyes that mirror my own and Jaz’s are sad. He can be sad all he wants. He did this.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he deflects, wiping his face.
My heart hammers, my nails dig into my palms, barely holding myself back from him. “Bullshit!” I shout.
He immediately rises. “Watch your mouth,” he bites back.
Good thing I’m no longer cowering to his deceit. I want my mom back home, and he’s the reason she’s gone. He’s the reason this family has fallen apart.
“You ruined everything!” My entire body shakes with the truth. The violence coursing through me has me near tears. I hardly cry, but crying in anger is even rarer. “Why would you do that, Dad?”
“Ace, I need you to calm down.”
“I don’t care what you want!” I scream.
In the next moment, I’m hitting him. I shouldn’t be. I shouldn’t lose control, but he hurt Mom. He decided to step out on her. He’s at fault.
“She’s gone because of you!” Tears betray my anger, showing the sadness consuming me. My fists hit his chest, making loud sounds of impact.
“Ace! Stop hitting Daddy!” Jazzy cries, tugging on my shirt.
My chest deflates. I promised not to hurt her. I promised to protect her, to always be the strength she needs. I promised to be better than them.
My limbs drop, and Dad’s face is full of regret. He doesn’t say anything. He’s still as a statue as his daughter sobs.
I turn to her since he can’t even comfort her. “Hey, pretty girl,” I say, choking back the hollow feeling inside. “Don’t worry. We were playing.”
The lie rolls off my tongue immediately. Her eyes are red-rimmed, and her lip-wobble is back.
“I’m sorry,” I add. Because I am. She doesn’t deserve me breaking down, too.
Dad shuffles past me, going into their room, slamming the door.
“Does Daddy not love us anymore?” she asks, her voice so small and childlike.
I shut my eyes, barely holding on.
“Of course he does,” I return with a lack of conviction. I just pray she doesn’t realize that.
She lets go of my shirt then lunges at me.
“I don’t think he does,” she snivels, her face tucked into my shoulder.
He did this. He hurt us all. I need Mom. I can’t do this without her.
“He does, Jazzy bear. Let’s go watch that movie, okay?”
She doesn’t look convinced, but she nods. Setting her down, I hear her little feet tap on the linoleum as she retreats back to my room.
While I’m cooking the popcorn, I text Mom. Please come home, Mom. I can’t do this, I want to say.
But she doesn’t respond, and how can I blame her? I just watched my dad break her heart. I witnessed it with my own two eyes.
After the popcorn finishes, we watch Shrek. Dad doesn’t come out of his room.
I’m just a kid. I can’t do it all, but for my mom, I’ll do my best.
She has enough to worry about.
I’ll make you proud, Mom.