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Lo
He holds me for hours as I let all my sorrow out. My misgivings seep out of me like blood. The transfusion of love to hatred soaks up my pores, drowning me beyond relief. My heart forgets what it’s meant to do, and I grip my chest as if it’s a tangible pain and not an inner struggle of my own creation.
“This can’t ever happen again, Tobe.”
As the words escape my mouth in a whimper, I realize they’re true. This can’t and won’t ever happen again. This wasn’t meant to happen, but it gave us both closure.
“I know,” he whispers, his voice strained, full with emotion, “even if I want to say anything but that.”
“W-We can’t be together.” I sob, not over my decision, but over the truth that this was wrong.
“I know.”
I hear the crack in his voice and roll over to see him crying. The pain in his eyes is present, making me bleed more because of my choices. How did Jason do this? How did he cheat on me and accept it? How did he fall in love and not feel guilty all while fucking my best friend?
How?
Why does Toby feel this insurmountable pain like me, but Jase didn’t seem remorseful until he was caught?
He fell in love. He fucked my best friend. He got her pregnant. Yet, none of that occurred here, and I feel worse.
I’m worse than him.
Somehow, I just am.
I kiss Toby’s nose, his cheeks, his forehead, and then his lips. I try to convey in each of those touches that I’m sorry. That this was me and he doesn’t have to cart the blame. That this wasn’t his fault but mine. He doesn’t need to take responsibility. He can give it all to me. In this moment, all I can do is give him the care that might soften the blow of me leaving.
“I’m sorry,” I say, but he stops me with a kiss, hushing me.
“Don’t,” he groans as if in pain. “Don’t take away the meaning of what we shared from me. It was everything, Lo, and if it wasn’t for you, for your wants, I’d keep pushing. I’d make love to you all day and night. I’d take care of you the way he never did or ever could. Please don’t take that away from me. This wasn’t a mistake. It was a choice, a mutual one. It felt amazing and perfect.”
I nod shakily, crying at his desperation. I’ve hurt him beyond repair. I’ve stolen a part of him that was never meant to be mine. The worst part of it all is he wanted me to have it—still wants me to have it.
What have I done?
“I won’t.”
“Then let me hold you, and when you’re ready to go, I won’t stop you.”
He says the last bit like it kills him to do so, like he doesn’t mean a single word but respects me too much to fight it. The stark differences between him and Jase astound me. There’s no comparison in what they decided, but what I feel with each of their decisions has me reeling.
Jason wanted me to stay but let me go after begging me not to.
Toby wants me to stay but is letting me go because he has no claim to me and he knows it.
They are both strong enough to give me my space for happiness, and I’ve got to honor that.
I kiss Tobe one more time, long and hard and cherishing, memorizing his lips, touch, and body before it’s no longer something I can have.
It only takes an hour before Tobe is snoring behind me. I haven’t spoken to my kids in over a day, and all I can imagine is the abandonment they feel. Searching for my phone, I find it and text Ace.
Hey, baby boy. How is Gran’s house?
His text comes in moments later. It’d be better if you weren’t gone. Where are you? Why haven’t you come back?
My heart bleeds at his questions. He’s not happy. He’s not okay, and it’s all my fault.
I’ll be there in an hour. I just had to fix some things. I love you.
Love you too, Mom.
Just like that, my eyes begin to burn. I grab my stuff—the extra clothes I’ve left in Tobe’s guest room, and the bag I brought when I thought it was smart to stay here—and load my car.
When I come back in, he’s still fast asleep. After leaving a lingering kiss on his forehead, I make sure to write a note and say goodbye to the only other man I’ve allowed into my heart and body, giving him his own closure.
As soon as I lock up, leaving his house behind, I straighten my spine, allowing myself the drive to pull myself together. I’ve been a mess for too long. I’ve abandoned my kids for too long. I’ve allowed this to go on for too long.
Now is the time to fix it. Now is the time to move on. Now is the time to forgive and let go.
For me, for my mom, for Lilac.
For my kids, Jase, and Toby.
For my future, my happiness, and my recovery.
*****
THE VAST HOUSE THAT my mother-in-law owns, nestled deep into the farming space and away from everyone at the edge of Hollow Ridge, welcomes me. It almost trickles away all the uncertainty.
Leaving Toby asleep wasn’t my best moment, but Ace’s texts drove me to it. It also convinced me to quit the job at Su Casa, so there aren’t any uncomfortable situations. It’s a clean break. For the both of us. It was all explained in the note. My resignation, telling him I couldn’t, in good faith, work with or for him. It’ll be a lower blow than leaving while he slept. That we can’t continue forward and he deserves to find his happy ending. Most importantly though, I told him that he would find it. She was waiting for him, he only had to go searching.
I pull up in the long driveway and notice only Millie’s car is here. Instead of searching the house for them, I sneak in, like a robber, and head to the guest room she reserves for Jase and me.
I’m immediately struck with memorabilia of our wedding, our maternity photos, the ultrasounds of all three kids, and our pictures from random moments. Closing my eyes, I imagine I didn’t fuck this up worse and accept that this marriage is over.
Telling Millie is going to kill me. I would leave it up to Jase, but they already don’t get along as it is, and I’ll unburden him by saying it to her first.
I check my face in the bathroom mirror. There’s no makeup, just tired and baggy eyes, and puffiness from the crying. I look like shit, and everyone will be able to see, but for once, I’m done hiding. I’m done holding in my pain, shutting down, locking the feelings away, and hurting everyone around me.
Today, I’ll turn a new leaf.
We’ll start over.
I hear footsteps right before the door swings open.
“Mommy!” my little girl squeals.
For the first time in a while, she’s smiling. She’s carefree. She’s happy. It brings the biggest smile to my face, seeing her with joy and peace.
Behind her is Ace. He stares at me, scrutinizing, analyzing, almost picking me and my clothes apart.
“Mom,” he comments, standing there stiffer than a board.
Unlike Jaz, he isn’t happy. In fact, he’s angry. I can see it behind his eyes. The pain there is easily identifiable.
“Hey, Jazzy girl. Why don’t you go find Grandma and see what we can start for dinner, huh?” I coo, saying it softly enough to hide the tremble in my voice.
She jumps up and down excitedly. After I leave a kiss on her forehead and hug her once more, she skips away as I wait for Ace to speak.
He’s so similar to his father in that sense. His eyes are narrowed. They scrutinize me with a bitterness that only makes me feel worse. He’s finally showing me his resentment, that built-up anguish he suffered for years.
“Where were you?” he demands.
I choke on my saliva, coughing from the irritation lacing his tone.
He walks closer to me, standing taller than me already. “Where, Mom?”
His voice is kinder now, almost worried and scared. His body is still rigid, like he doesn’t know how to act around me. He hasn’t been given the opportunity to heal. I’ve hurt him. So damn much.
I pull him into my arms. It takes a few moments before he softens, hugging me back. Once I pull him into the room more, I close the door behind us.
“I had to figure out some things,” I try, sugarcoating with kids gloves and everything.
Immediately, as if I’ve hurt him, he pulls away. When I get a good look at his face, it’s beyond disappointed. His distaste for my easy answer has him thrumming with rage.
“Don’t bullshit me, Mom.” Ace scrunches his face.
Seeing him this upset makes me sadder. It’s because of me, his father, and what we’ve both done.
“Your language,” I barely croak, trying to rein in the agony inside.
“Tell me,” he growls, gripping my arms. “Stop lying to me. I’m not a child. I’m not.” He drops my arms, turning to head for the door.
“Ace,” I beg, wanting him to stay. I don’t want to ruin him. He can’t be explosive like this. He won’t find happiness if he stays this hateful. “Okay, okay,” I add, willing to give him an inch.
He pauses, his hand still cradling the door knob, like he’ll leave if I hurt him any worse. “So,” he demands. “Tell me.”
“I was at home. I spoke with your dad, and I left him.”
I watch for his reaction. His shoulders tense, lifting in surprise. Then, he lets out a loud exhale.
“Okay, so you left the dick that hurt you. Took you long enough,” he responds callously. His voice is strained, though. He’s in pain. He doesn’t want this, even if he thinks he does.
“We just can’t come back from this. Not right now.”
“He doesn’t deserve you to come back,” he growls defensively. He turns to me, his face wiser than his years. “You need to heal, Mom. I need that for and from you.”
The waterworks break free, blurring my vision. My son, my nearly sixteen-year-old son, has experienced too much in life.
“You’re right,” I barely get out over my crying. “I’ve failed you and your sister, and I’ll make it right. I promise.”
He comes back to me, hugging me, giving me that little affection he saves for these moments. “I love you, Mom. Don’t let the darkness win again. I was terrified when you didn’t come back last night. You were too happy. You were off... like before,” he stumbles over his words, the fear from earlier apparent.
“Oh, Ace,” I pacify like when he was younger, when he depended on me and not the other way around. “I’m in a much better place now. I promise.”
“I just want to be happy again. When things were easy...” He trails off, his body shaking with emotion.
We just hug for some time, and for once, I feel like I’ve done something right.