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Toby
Every day it’s like this.
Run.
Sweat.
Weight lifting.
Exhaustion.
To distract myself from my problems, I run until I can’t. I workout until my limbs are heavy with exhaustion. I exert myself until my body shuts down. My mind works until it’s a heap of nothingness, too, because that’s easier than accepting the fate I’ve been given. The one I single-handedly served myself on a platter full of blood, guts, and bones, hoping for a better outcome than becoming a meal. But that’s what happens when you hope. You lose, and until you weigh the loss with the outcome, you’re bound to give up more than you bargained for.
My feet stop at the Magic Bean, the shop Lo and I always went to after runs. The craving for a Danish—one I’ve bought her on many occasions—stabs through my stomach, reminding me how little I eat or indulge anymore. As soon as I walk through the door, the heat outside is replaced by a crisp breeze and the scent of my favorite beverage. Black coffee, no sugar.
The clerk behind the counter isn’t someone I recognize, but of course not. A lot has changed in the three years I’ve been gone. Why not take my favorite barista too?
As soon as it’s my turn at the counter, I see Alara. My favorite coffee shop employee comes out from the back. She eyes me almost like she’s not sure if it’s really me. As soon as her mind connects with my face, she smiles and moves the dude clerk away.
“Tobias Hayes, is that you?” she questions, her voice her usual cheery self.
I grin back, happy to see a friendly face in Hollow Ridge. “Sure is. Can I get my regular?”
“A black coffee?” she jests and laughs.
She used to joke that only psychopaths drink coffee black. It’s not a bad assessment according to the people around me.
I nod, giving her my card. As soon as I sign the receipt, giving her a nice tip, I wait for my coffee. It only takes thirty seconds before I have it gripped in my hand. When I turn around, my hand slips.
Do you hear that sound? That’s my life fracturing in this moment. The room is silent, yet the coffee cup dropping from my grasp, spilling over, and toppling to the ground is like a large thump, mimicking my heartbeat. Everyone’s gaze lands on me, making me more aware of where I’m currently residing. Their expressions range from worry and confusion to annoyed and amused.
I ignore them. They don’t matter in the end.
My eyes go back to what made me drop my coffee, or rather, who.
Years.
It’s been several years since I've seen her.
The pain is as fresh as a brutal collision. It’s as real as a moment of disaster in a beautiful package. It’s as damning as an end before it began.
Her short hair is now long again, the tresses hitting her mid-back like then. But it’s not then. It’s now. It’s bitterness in a cup of whiskey. It’s distaste in a cup of joe with sugar. It’s heartbreak in a room of dead people.
She’s even more beautiful now.
Radiant.
Delicate.
Fierce.
Her eyes light up, but the glossiness isn’t like before. Back then, they were always brimming with tears of heartache. They’re currently shining with affection, the vast difference between before and now is stifling.
The affection she offers has everything to do with the russet brown-haired toddler begging for her attention. He can’t be older than two, but something about him triggers something in me.
That single night.
The one that changed it all.
My forehead beads with sweat, my stomach concaving with the possibilities. No. She wouldn’t keep that from me. Even with our past in the air, our pain on repeat, our friendship gone... she wouldn’t keep a child—my child, if that’s the case—away from me.
Right?
She feeds little pieces of a bagel to him, her eyes lighting up as he smiles and giggles. Her eyes, the ones I’ve loved for years, gaze at him as if he created the earth itself. Maybe he did. Maybe he’s godly and ethereal. Maybe by some chance, he’s a miracle. Our miracle.
I forget about my coffee on the ground, and my steps become more frantic, almost as if I need to get to her quickly. The breath of coffee I inhale on my pursuit reminds me of all the mornings we spent together, enjoying a cup of joe and pastries for her sweet tooth before we’d go for a run.
Then the pain comes, right after the memories fade.
I’m only six feet from her table, five steps tops to get to her, to demand answers, but before I make it, a hand on my chest stops my pursuit, halting me immediately. I turn to the person stopping me, and my glare is met with lustrous fiery almond eyes.
My heart drops further, if possible, striking me in another place that hasn’t felt in so long.
“What the fuck are you doing here?”
This is generally as hard as writing the blurb itself. I always miss someone, but let’s see if I can do it right the first time.
Matthew, my love, my other half, my light. If not for you, I wouldn’t have survived this book. You held me while I bawled, when I shut down from being overwhelmed so much, and pushed me through the worst depression of my life. Without you, I can’t imagine this book coming to fruition.
Helen, my best friend and shoulder to bitch and cry on. This book was halted on so many occasions because of doubt, anxiety, and how hard it was to write. You always talked me through it and was there for me when Matt couldn’t be. Without you, this book would have been indefinitely put on pause.
Grandma, I don’t even know how to word this without crying. I wrote my dedication for you, and now, tears stream my face. You were the mom I always wanted, raising me when you didn’t have to, being everything a daughter could ask for. It took me years to be able to say your name, talk about you, and cherish our good memories. This book was meant to heal those broken pieces that you created by leaving. When I scattered your ashes in the ocean where Matt and I got married, it was the first time I felt peace. It’s another reason I could complete this book. For once, I felt at peace. Fighting for years just to have your ashes and set you free ate away at me. Now, we’re both free. I love you for teaching me how to live, for teaching me how to fight for myself, and for always believing in me and my dreams. I miss you.
Selena, my writing bae, my ho, one of my bestest friends. I admire you, our friendship, and how hard you push me to write. Yeah, we slack a lot, too, but we also motivate each other and understand one another on a very unique level. I love you, bro. To the next one!
Dimples, you have been the insane kind of cheerleader I never knew I needed. You’ve cheered me on since we met, and crazy enough, this book is one of the things that brought us together. You’ve pushed me to complete it, to keep working toward their end, and you’ve been the best kind of friend I could have asked for. I appreciate you, and I’ll get to your boys soon.
My betas, Mari, G, Cali, Ofa, and Michelle, I hurt y’all a lot with this book, I know. You all told me so many times on various occasions, but because you wouldn’t let me give up on these two broken people, I didn’t. You went through hell and back while I wrote this book. We all cried together and experienced pain and love on levels unsurmountable, but we made it. We did the damn thing. Thank you.
Cali, you will always be my twin. You helped me write Nora’s ending, and it has stuck with me since that discussion.
Michelle, you are my Harley, my confidante and cheerleader. I appreciate you more than words.
Sam and Lana, you’ve both been such bright lights and motivators. Without you, I couldn’t imagine smiling. I love you both more than words. Keep shining your light.
Jessi, girl. You were the first person to read the second idea of this book before it had a title, before Toby was Toby, before I knew where this book would take me. You helped me grow so much. You always do, and for that, I’ll be forever grateful. The book has changed so much since we first started, and insanely enough, it couldn’t have happened without your push. Thank you for always being here, for being my friend throughout all these years, and for staying.
Nicole. Dude. You are seriously the best part of this career. Since the beginning, you’ve helped me edit my books, worked your ass off, and supported me in everything. You even have patience with me, which is a blessing. I’m slow.
Dege, you are one of my first friends. You’ve helped and supported me since the beginning, too. You never cease to make my interiors gorgeous, and even when we met, and I adopted you as an author, I’ve loved seeing you grow. You amaze me.
There are so many authors I want to thank who may never even see this, but they always fight for me, cheer me on, and keep me going. Giana, Leigh, Charles, Len, Michelle, Nat, Cali, Megan, Amo, Donna, Nicole, Sam, Lana, Alexis, Nadège, and so many more, your friendship means everything. It pushes me to work harder and strive to be better. I love and appreciate you all.
To my readers, for waiting so damn long for this, for having patience and excitement, for just being you and loving my writing, thank you. I couldn’t have accomplished this without you.
To all the bloggers who have spread the word, for helping me and being awesome, thank you!
And finally to you, if this is your first book of mine, hello! If it’s not, welcome back, and I hope you can forgive me for the pain you felt reading inhale, exhale.
But as always, love, no hugs, and a lot of tacos!
Firsts (Cape Hill #1)
Lasts (Cape Hill #2)
Always (Cape Hill #3)
The Dating Games: Author Edition
Welcome to Cape Hill (Cape Hill Vipers #1)
Thou Shall Not: A Dark Ten Commandments Anthology
Coming Soon
Something Wicked: A Villain Anthology (September 30th)
Forevers (Cape Hill #4)
Tragedy (Cape Hill #5) - FREE Newsletter Story
Breathe (Hollow Ridge #2)
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