Chapter 14

Furthest Thing From Worth It

"Good morning, baby," I said, bending down and kissing Danielle on the forehead.

"Oh my God, what time is it?!" She popped up out of bed. She was always the one to wake us up in the morning unless she was morbidly late for something.

"Relax, relax." I said handing her a cup of orange juice. I was still focused on having some sex pretty soon, and was willing to do any sucking up necessary to get it. "I woke up a little earlier today and decided I'd make you some juice before you headed out."

"Oh...thanks," she said, grabbing the cup from me. "What time is it?"

"It's 5:45. You got plenty of time to get ready, baby. Don't worry. You not late."

"So you mean you woke me up? That's 15 more minutes I could've been asleep, Superman." She set the cup back on the night-stand and threw the covers over her head again.

I could understand. When Momma used to wake me up too early for school, every side of the bed was the wrong side.

I walked back to the dining room. I never woke up this early before and my first class wasn't for another two hours, but I still wasn't sleepy.

I got on Facebook and looked to see if there was any catching up I needed to do. The first thing I saw on my newsfeed was Jazmin going on a rant.

She posted Facebook statuses shortly after I left last night, all of them with just a few minutes in between them that read:

I hate when a friend is so blind to the bullshit, that telling them only makes things worse.

Never put yourself out there with someone who isn't willing to meet you halfway.

The worst thing about making a first move is when that person's next move is in the other direction.

Best friends make the best lovers.

Apparently, she hadn't stopped thinking about the night before either. I heard Danielle bumping around and closed the laptop shut.

She came out of the room scrambling with one shoe on and the other in progress all while she brushed her teeth and carried her books.

"Why are you rushing?"

She kept walking, trying to step into her other shoe. "I got an early meeting with my student this morning to go over some last-minute notes," she said, spitting through the toothpaste still in her mouth.

"Well, let me help you."

She said, "No, thank you, I got it. I'll see you later," and went out the door.

I admired how serious she was about her academics, but I hated when it started infringing on the attention she gave me. Nevertheless, support is all about sacrifice. The least I could do is put my selfishness aside, and allow her room to be great.

Jazmin was still taking her share of mental real estate on me at the moment. I couldn't believe she had the nerve to try and come on to me. Her running in between the door and me. Then telling me I was probably missing out. Then the attempted kiss. It was all too much.

In a way I felt disrespected, but I knew she didn't have ill intentions. Maybe I did send the wrong message by airing out my dirty laundry, but that's what friends do. We take the laundry out, talk about ways to get it clean, and if it works, we fold it and put it away over a few drinks.

It didn't help that she was so damn sexy. Her body was carved from a block of perfection and given just enough flaws to deem it human. My hormones were getting to me again.

I needed some sex, and I needed it fast. Something about testosterone disables men from thinking straight. Either we want to fight when we normally wouldn't, or we want to have sex when we normally shouldn't. I was in that latter category.

I felt my good sense slipping the longer I contemplated the situation; my thoughts went from negative disdain to wishful thinking, more so about the sex than the situation, but nevertheless wishful thinking.

It didn't help that Danielle was going through another one of her sexless spells. Two weeks straight with hardly a peck on the lips. She'd either ignore my erection or dare to break it off if I kept trying to sneak it in while she was asleep. Masturbation had gotten old because once you've had the best, good is no longer good enough.

I went on throughout the day thinking about sex, how I was so close to getting some from a girl I shouldn't have, and then shortly after denied by another girl that I shouldn't have.

Every ass that walked by, every time I could smell the fragrance of a female, even innocent smiles from complete strangers were turning me on. My penis was so sensitive that just sitting in class, feeling it touching my thigh, had me using a book to cover up my stiffness when I got up to walk.

I had it bad. I figured I'd give it another shot with Danielle that night, and if she turned me down, I'd flush my pride and just beg. She was scheduled to be off, and to my knowledge she wasn't preparing for any more big tests.

There wasn't a real reason why she wasn't having sex with me. Maybe I just kept catching her at the wrong time. That gave me some confidence. If I could just hold out a little longer, it'd all be over soon.

Football practice was always a nice window of relief...I could expend plenty of my frustration, but at 22 years old, I always had some to spare.

I was ready to forget about being a gentleman and have one of those "clear the furniture out and stretch" types of nights. One positive thing about being in a drought, is that you learn to appreciate the excitement you get before sex, like you're a teenager all over again.

Danielle still had no idea that I had gotten fired. To keep from telling her, I just kept up my usual schedule of being away from the house, using that time to fill out applications I had picked up earlier in the day when I wasn't at Jazmin's house.

I still hadn't talked to her since the night before and judging by her Facebook posts, that conversation needed to happen. Being that I had been deprived for the previous two weeks, I knew I'd better stay away from her turf. A good man is still a man, and I knew my limits.

So I spent a little extra time going to collect job applications to turn in. I looked at the clock and realized it was almost midnight, a little too early for me to be home, but maybe that was a good thing and I could pleasantly surprise Danielle with some physical attention.

After the sex we were about to have, I knew she'd be glad to have me home anyway.

I started on my way home and saw a missed call from Jazmin. I guess the silence was killing her, but I wasn't expecting her to break so soon.

She'd just have to wait. Instead, I focused on getting back to Danielle so we could clear my mind.

I stopped by a nearby gas station, picked up my Red Bull energy drinks, and was ready to go. Instead of waiting till I got to the apartment, I went ahead and popped one open to go ahead and get the energy flowing before I got there.

I pulled up in the parking lot and saw a familiar car in my parking spot. It looked a lot like the vehicle I saw pulled up by Jazmin's house back when her and Lewis were dating, but I wasn't sure.

There were a million cars like his, and with everything that had taken place, I had gotten paranoid so I dismissed the thought and found another empty spot close by.

I was just about finished with my drink, and turned off my engine to do so in peace, when I looked at the house to see my door opening. What I saw next all but flipped my world upside down. It was Lewis and Danielle standing in the doorway.

I stared, daring not to blink, so I wouldn't miss a thing. They stood there for a few seconds just within reaching distance.

They seemed to be having a few last laughs from a conversation that was coming to a close, as he would mouth a few words and she would laugh hysterically.

She had a look on her face I hadn't seen in quite a while. It was warmer, and with more energy.

Then I saw them hug each other. Not the kind of hug you give your pastor's wife at church, the kind of hug that you expect a woman to fling one foot in the air as the guy spins her around. It lasted approximately 5.5 seconds, four seconds past the maximum for being friendly, and as they came out of the hug, he held on to her hips, looking into her eyes as she smiled back.

I knew what that meant, and without wanting to see what was coming next, I started the car back up, put it in reverse, and sped out of the parking space.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that neither of them even noticed my presence or the fact that I was going 40 miles an hour in a parking lot, which made me even more angry.

I couldn't believe it. Well, I could, but I didn't want to. All this time, I couldn't figure out what was going on with Danielle, why she seemed so different. Why she needed her phone so close by her, or why she was always leaving early and coming home late, or why nothing I was doing ever seemed to satisfy her. It all made sense now, painful and brutally harsh sense.

I didn't know how, but I ended up back at Jazmin's parking lot, just staring at the steering wheel. It had become somewhat of a reflex to drive there when anything was on my mind.

I still hadn't talked to her since the day before when everything had gotten out of hand and she tried to kiss me. I wasn't sure if she'd give a shit about my continued relationship troubles, but with it involving her ex-boyfriend, I knew it would catch her attention. So I called her.

She picked up on the first ring. "Okay, so Shawn, I was gon' call and talk to you earlier, I swear I was. I just want to say that I apologize and that I never-"

"Jazmin," I said, cutting her off.

"Uh…..yeah?"

"It's okay. Open the door. I'm outside."

"You're outside?" she asked with her voice rising. Then I saw her come over to the window and peek through the curtain. "Okay here I come," she said, then hung up the phone.

I got out of the car, double checked the locks, then walked up to the already opened door to see her standing in it. She was, again, in the same robe she always wore. The silk, damn-near-see-through one that left little to the imagination and pleasantly so. She was scanning my face to try and read my eyes as I walked past her and into the living room.

"It's past midnight. Why you over here so late? Are you okay?"

"I just...I just needed a place to go. I can't think right now," I said, flopping down on the sofa.

"I mean, but why though? Is it about yesterday because I told you I never-"

"No, it has nothing to do with yesterday. I saw Danielle with another man. She's cheating on me."

She paused for a second then sat down beside me. "Shawn...I'm so...I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say honestly."

"You don't have to say anything. I don't need anybody to say anything. I just don't wanna feel like I'm feelin' right now."

I put the pillow over my face to hide the tears getting ready to form. Hearing myself admit that I was getting cheated on was almost as bad as seeing it happen. I was hurt by Danielle, but my ego was making me more and more angry at the man she was seeing, Lewis.

I'm sure she was only cheating because I had been neglecting her to see Jazmin. I was only seeing Jazmin to keep her safe from his abuse. This was all wrong.

I felt Jazmin's hand gently grab the pillow from my face. I couldn't fight it. The tears had broken free and she was going to see them sooner or later anyway. I sat up and ducked my head so I wouldn't have to make eye contact.

"Shawn, don't cry, it's gon' be okay. You just need to relax for a little, let the dust settle, and you'll be all right. I can't believe this happened. I'm sorry for even jinxing it."

"Nah, don't be sorry. It wasn't you. I just can't believe this shit, man. How the hell I let this happen?"

"You didn't let anything happen. She chose to do it. Her and whoever it was. Did you get to see the guy's face? Did you know him?" she asked, pulling me to lie on her chest, something like a mother does her child.

I thought about telling her who it was, but decided not to. That was only going to switch the subject into something I didn't feel like talking about. "Nah, I don't think I do. It was dark."

"Oh, well, I don't know what I can do, but I'm here for you if you wanna talk about it. But it's cool if you don't. I gotta go finish up some work right now and I'm sure you'd rather be alone so just take whatever time you need and holla if you need me."

She got up and went back into her room. I was trying to take her advice, and just let things soak in, but the more it did, the more angry I got.

I should have never left and just given him the ass whooping he deserved a long time ago. There's no telling how long this had been going on. While I was busy trying to befriend and protect his ex, he was busy fucking my girlfriend.

Beating him up wasn't going to change the truth, but it would have definitely eased the tension. I needed revenge, relief, or whatever was on the menu to fix a bruised ego and a broken heart.

I looked up and saw alcohol on the fridge. I was told that if you drank in times of sadness, you'd turn into an alcoholic. The alcoholics I knew all seemed to be doing better than what I was doing at the moment, so what the hell. I grabbed the closest bottle of vodka and turned it upside down.

It burned a little on the way down, but not so much after a few seconds. I took a breath and repeated two more times then went and sat back on the couch.

I watched the second hand go around on my watch, trying to focus on something other than the memories of the last few hours. After about 15 minutes of being unsuccessful, I was back to looking for something else to hit the spot.

Inebriation wasn't enough for relief and definitely not for revenge.

"Shawn, you all right out there? I don't hear you moving around. You alive?" Jazmin yelled from her room.

It clicked. "Uh…yeah, I'm good," I said, now feeling the buzz of the vodka binge. I wasn't drunk, but it became a little tougher to hit those syllables without running them into one another.

I got up, steadied myself, and made my way to her bedroom door. It was slightly cracked and I could see her lying on her stomach, facing away from me.

She had on another Victoria's Secret laced panty and bra matching set. Her legs were shiny, and the small of her back had those two little dimples that drive men crazy. She looked sexier than ever. I knocked, enough so that the door didn't move too much but that she could still hear it.

"Shawn!" She snapped around, scrambling for her covers. "What you doing? Didn't yo momma teach you to knock?"

"I did knock. Your door was already open. My bad if I startled you, but can I come in?"

She rushed over to the door and pushed it closed in my face. "Wait," she said. I heard her rummaging around in the closet a few seconds then she opened it again. "Yes, you can." She had slipped on her silk robe that she wore when she first opened the door. As she walked back to her bed, I could see the same imprint of her underwear and the curve of her ass through the back that looked even sexier with the adornment of the robe's silk.

"What's up? You still thinking about Danielle?" she said as she sat on the bed with her back against the headboard.

"Actually no, I'm not. I'm tired of thinking about that. I just wanted to come back here and thank you for everything. I've never gotten the chance, or taken the opportunity to just say thank you."

"You ain't gotta do all that. I don't mind being here for you. We all need somebody and I know you'd do the same for me."

"But I want to. I mean, I wanna say thank you. But I also want to do more than just say how I feel and you're right, we all need somebody, but I have a question." I came over to the bed and sat at the edge. I could tell the closer I got, the more uncomfortable she looked. Her guard was still really high.

"Okay...? What's the question?"

"What if I needed you?"

"Shawn, you're just saying that because you're hurting, not because you really mean it."

"But what if? What if I really needed somebody to be there for me, without judging me or asking a lot of questions. Would I be able to count on you?"

"I mean of course, you know you can count on me."

"Okay, so I have another question. Do you trust me?"

"Yeah," she mumbled, still trying to figure out where I was going with this.

"Then trust me. Don't ask questions, and don't judge me."

"Okay," she said.

I reached over and touched her foot for a safe ground to test her nerves. She was still a bit tense, but she was trying to hold back any reaction out of curiosity on just how far I'd go.

I understood the body of a woman. It's a marathon, not a sprint. So I took my time and slowly moved my hand up her leg up to her knee, and back again. I did this a few times until I felt the tenseness gone from her.

"Shawn, what is this? What are you doing?" she said.

"Remember what you told me and remember what I told you. No questions, just trust me."

She curled her lips, slightly annoyed, but she cooperated anyway. I moved my hand up to the lower part of her thigh using it to put a slight pressure on the inside where I knew she'd be a bit more sensitive.

The pressure I put on it reached deeper into more tenseness and I stayed there for a few moments, massaging it out. I looked up and saw it leave through her exhalation as her facial expression relaxed back to neutral.

Finally, her guard was coming down.

"Jazmin, don't talk. Just listen." I said, still gently massaging her thighs. She looked at me in agreement without saying anything.

"I know this is a little much for one night. Me, with all this drama about getting cheated on. But I need you. I have a lot going on and I just don't feel like thinking about any of it. Instead, I'd rather act on what I'm feeling right now, and that's an unbelievable amount of physical attraction for you. I ran out on you before, but it just kinda caught me off guard and I wasn't ready. Doesn't mean I didn't want you. Sometimes we feel things that don't make sense to us, but the only way to know for sure what it means is to do something about it. I don't want to compromise our friendship, but I lost control over that a long time ago. At this point, I think it's time we both figure out what it is that's drawing us to one another. Something brought you to try and kiss me before, and something's bringing me to try and do the same thing right now. If you want to know exactly what that something is, then don't stop me."

I continued to massage her thigh as I leaned in closer to her face for a kiss. For every inch closer I went, I anticipated a hand on my chest pushing me backwards. But it didn't happen. She didn't stop me, or even try to move out of the way.

She began closing her eyes when I got close enough, so I did the same, softly pecking her on the lips.

I pecked her again and again, each time easing my tongue onto hers.

She kissed me back, and I slid my hand up to her vagina, met with what seemed like the Pacific Ocean. Then I stopped and stood up from the bed.

She snapped, "What are you doing? Why you stop? Shawn don't play games with me. This is not the time to start with your fucking games!" She was getting angry at what she thought was me getting ready to bail on her again.

I just looked at her, in slight amazement of how I had drawn her into the moment so much, and aroused by the control I now had.

I took off my shirt and unfastened my belt.

She looked me up and down, anxiously waiting to read just how excited I was by the extent of my erection.

Then, a memory of Danielle flashed across my mind. It had been so long since I was doing this with another woman, and I didn't like the feeling it was giving, but I needed it more than anything for refuge from the onslaught of truth about my love life being in shambles.

It was the only thing thus far that actually distracted me from those images of her with Lewis, and the imagination of what else was happening when I wasn't around.

I felt my erection failing me the longer I dwelled on those thoughts, so I cut the nightstand lamp off to try and hide it. Took her hand and placed it on my stomach to revive me.

She felt around on my stomach a bit, and immediately, I was back to full strength.

I almost forgot the feeling of wondering whether or not I was going to receive oral sex. It was unpredictable.

It was exciting.

The way that she bit her bottom lip at the touch of my penis told me she was just as excited as I was.

She put her forehead to my stomach, and I could feel myself in her mouth. Her tongue was doing a figure 8 number on the tip of me as she sucked, something I know I didn't teach her, but was grateful to whoever gave her the lesson.

She was amazing. I'm not sure if she was just trying to impress me, but if so, it worked.

I pulled back so I wouldn't come too fast once we actually started having sex. Went back to kiss her again, this time reaching around her and unhooking her bra.

"Shawn, do you have something to put on it?" she said.

I looked around trying to see what she was talking about, then saw her looking at my penis and back up at me.

"Something like what? What you mean?"

"What you mean, what I mean? I mean a condom. I'm not on the pill and I don't need none of your jr.'s running 'round here. You need to put on a condom."

I forgot all about using protection during sex. I had been with Danielle for over three years now and we hadn't used any since we made it official. During the moment it took to realize why I didn't have a condom, my thoughts came back about the luxury of trust I no longer had with my partner.

She saw me staring blankly and said, "You don't have one, do you?" Then she got up and walked over to her closet. She reached up on the top shelf and pulled down an old shoe box.

I could tell it was something she hadn't been in for a while with how clumsily she was searching through it. But then she picked something out and dropped the box where she was standing.

"Here, put this on. I know it's not as big as you might need, but it's all I got."

"Uh, yeah. Okay cool," I said, nervously trying to remember how to put on a condom. Trying to figure out which way it rolled in the dark was like shooting a three-pointer on a moving rim. The lubrication made it too slippery and I was feeling the pressure from her waiting that I normally didn't have to worry about.

Finally I just forced it on. It wasn't pretty, but it was going to have to do.

She lay back on the bed, inviting me between her thighs. By this time, the streetlights were shining through just enough that I could make out general details of her frame.

It was just as sexy as I had imagined when I saw her in the house walking around in her underwear.

Then, this weird feeling came over me. It was cold, and even in her presence, very alone. Started thinking about the times Danielle and I would be in the same position.

But this was different because I was hurting, and on the run from something that I could never get away from; the truth.

Jasmine was saying something to me, but I was already gone. I could feel the tears filling up my eyes as I was reminded of the intimate moments Danielle had been sharing with another man.

She had broken my heart, yet every single fragment still belonged to her.

"Shawn. Shawn. SHAWN!" Jazmin said, interrupting my daze.

"Huh?"

"Why are you just sitting there? See, look what you've done, you let it go soft." I looked down and saw my penis cowering in what looked like a wet trash bag around it. "You know what, how about you just lie down," she said, getting off the bed again.

I moved to the other side. She grabbed me, then tried to swallow me whole.

After a few seconds, she took off the mangled condom, threw it on the dresser, and continued to suck. I started coming back to life again.

I closed my eyes and tried to block out my thoughts. I was here now, and I needed to finish what I started.

It wasn't like Danielle and I had some kind of commitment to each other anymore. Clearly she had moved on. I needed to do the same. My conscience was still in a relationship, but I wasn't sure if I was.

Jazmin was amazing at oral sex. She could have given a workshop on some of the things she was doing. The movements, the sounds, the breathing, and everything else about her, was as good as I had ever experienced with any woman.

I was finally loosening up again and relaxing until I felt something different.

It was much warmer.

And wetter.

I opened my eyes and looked up to see Jazmin on top of me, and me inside of her.

Shit. What was I doing?

I knew better than this, but she did it so fast and fluently I couldn't even tell she had transitioned her entire body weight until it was already done.

But it was too late. Couldn't stop now, especially with me being the one bringing the whole situation into fruition in the first place. Anything I could catch was already caught, and I didn't feel like going through the whole condom thing again. It was no turning back, I could only hope pulling out worked.

Trying to convince myself to believe in that rationale was taking so much effort, I had become numb. Again.

Jazmin was yelling and moaning loudly, so I assumed she was enjoying herself. But other than that, my feeling was gone, this time throughout my entire body.

Everything went into slow motion, and it was then that I realized exactly what I had set out to learn in the beginning. The answer to the question of exactly what that 'something' was that was drawing me to Jazmin.

I lost focus and ultimately appreciation for the things I had because of my distraction turned curiosity for the things I didn't have. A man could have a million dollars, but if he only focused on the penny on the ground, he would lose sight of his fortune, giving someone else the opportunity to take it from him.

My fortune was being taken and I wanted it back.

I felt Jazmin's body shiver violently and her moans got louder. She did this back in the day when she climaxed, so I knew exactly what it meant.

"Did you come?" I asked her.

"Yeah I did, but only twice. I want one more."

"I'm about to come, though," I lied. I wasn't anywhere near an orgasm. I just needed to get things over with as smoothly as possible. My mind was no longer on sex.

"Oh okay, you need me to get up right now or can you go a little longer?"

"Right now." I grabbed her by her waist and picked her up off of me.

She was probably going to be looking for the semen somewhere so I ran into the bathroom and closed the door. Never did this when I pulled out, normally it would just end up wherever I aimed it, but then again, I never faked an orgasm either.

I let a few seconds go by then flushed the toilet. My penis, still erect, was being stubborn. I leaned over the sink and ran cold water over it to make it go back to sleep.

It was time for me to come up with an escape plan that was going to allow me to save face.

I opened the door and saw her sprawled out on the bed. She was still panting, but her body was motionless.

"Babe, that was great," she said, with her eyes half open fixed on the ceiling. "I'm gon' cook you a nice breakfast in the morning. You earned it."

Babe? She was already moving too fast. Staying over for breakfast? She had me mixed up. I felt my "ain't shit" instincts coming back from freshman year preparing me to hurt her feelings.

I walked back over and stood at the foot of the bed. "Um, yeah, it was good for me too. But I think I'mma go on back home. I don't have anything over here to sleep in and I might be late to class if I try to get all of that done in the morning."

She sat up in the bed and glared at me. "So what, you just gon' fuck me and then just leave? Is that what I am to you? Some kind of two dollar whore?"

I wanted to tell her that actually a two dollar whore would be more expensive because she was free, but it was no time for humor. "No Jaz, you know it's not like that at all. I do want to stay. I just need something to put on and I know you don't have-"

"I still have some of Lewis' old clothes if you wanna wear those."

I all but blew the fuck up. "No! And don't bring his name up to me again. You hear me?!" I yelled.

She looked at me surprised and confused. "All right, damn. I won't do it again."

I caught myself. I had thought that having sex with his ex-girlfriend would do something for me, but it didn't. His name felt like a knife in my side.

Now I was beginning to feel like a complete jerk for not only trying to hit it and leave, but then yelling at her.

I looked at her again and could see I had hurt her feelings.

From the very beginning, she was only trying to help. She trusted me, exactly as I asked her to.

I needed to honor that and at minimum, not make her feel like shit by leaving in the middle of the night after faking an orgasm. Besides, it was still a little too soon to see Danielle. The dust was probably never going to completely settle, but it was a huge gamble to go back on the same night.

"Move over and give me some covers. If I'mma sleep naked, I gotta make sure I'm warm enough so I don't catch a cold."

Her face relaxed into a slight grin as she made room next to her in the bed. "I knew you wasn't about to leave. At least, I wasn't about to let you." She tried to cuddle up next to me so I lay flat on my stomach so she couldn't. That move was reserved for my fortune, not the penny.

***

"Wake, up boo. I told you I'd cook for you and I don't want you blaming me for being late either. Come on, wake up."

I opened my eyes to see Jazmin standing over me with a tray of food and orange juice. She was wearing my t-shirt from last night and smiling from ear to ear. This had gone too far a long time ago. It was time for a talk.

"Thanks, you can set it over there for right now. But real quick, Jaz, I wanna talk to you."

"Yes?" she said, still smiling. I hated that what I was about to say was going to make her do everything but smile, but it needed to be said.

"Jaz, you're my best friend, and I appreciate everything you've done for me. Really, I do. But I think I made up my mind about what I wanna do about with my situation. You may or may not like it but I hope you understand."

She stopped smiling and it made it hard to keep eye contact. But I kept going.

"You and I...we need to just fall back from each other. I mean you haven't done anything wrong or nothin'. I just feel like I'm a mess and I've invited you into it to make it even worse. I've been selfish, only thinkin' about myself. Never should have drug you into this."

"So you say all this now, after we've had sex, after everything we've been through and you tell me this now?"

"I know. I know. I just, I have to figure this out on my own. And I don't need to open any doors until every other one is closed. You're an amazing person. Really, you are. But the amount of me I'm able to give you is way less than you deserve. I'd be doing you a disservice by even trying when I know where my heart is at. I couldn't have asked for a better friend, but if I don't end this now, then I never was your friend to begin with."

She stared at me expressionless. Then I saw a tear drop from her left eye and it made my heart sink. It really sucked to know I was hurting her. But I had to.

"Shawn, you can't just expect me to be cool with this. Sex isn't just sex to me anymore. My body is special, and if I share that with you, it's because I think you're special. I've been looking, all my life, for a reason to feel that way and meeting you was proof that I was worth the try. Things didn't work out with Lewis, but talking with you helped me see that there's some good guys out here who think more of me than just a good fuck and cool conversation. But in the same way you're not being selfish, I don't wanna be selfish either. If you need to cut things off with me, then that's just what you need to do. It hurts like hell, but I support you," she said, wiping the tears from her face.

I didn't expect the emotional response she gave. More like a pot of grits splashing on me which actually would have been better.

I couldn't blame her for anything she felt. She was entitled to it all. But even if I couldn't make things right, I at least kept things from getting worse.

"Thank you. Take care," I said. Wasn't sure if that was the last words I'd ever say to her, but if it was, it summed up our friendship and the way I wanted to end.

She took my shirt off then handed it to me and went into the bathroom to, I believe, change clothes. I didn't wait to find out.

Instead, I slipped on my pants, and headed out the door with the rest in hand. I got in my car and started it up and remembered my phone was kept off the charger all night so it had to be dead by now.

I plugged it up to the charger and saw it light up with a line of missed calls from Danielle.

She had been calling from 1 a.m. all the way until 5 a.m., nonstop, every 10 minutes.

Maybe she saw me pull off last night after all.

I started to call her back but hesitated because I didn't know what to say. I could go off about what I saw, or I could wait and see if she would just come out and confess.

That would mean she at least felt some kind of regret about cheating, and it'd help me learn to trust her again. Even though I had realized how much she meant to me, I still had to learn to deal with the fact that she was seeing another guy. It was too many thoughts to deal with so I just drove back home getting ready to cross that bridge when I got to it.

I pulled up and saw her car still in the same place, this time with my parking spot empty. I was barefoot and shirtless, and if I was trying to be obvious, I'm pretty sure that could do the trick.

I started putting my clothes back on. Even though I had every right to tell her what I had done without her getting mad, I still felt uncomfortable with the idea. Something just didn't seem right about it, but maybe I just needed to be face to face with her before it made sense.

I walked in and saw all the lights on in the house, apparently from the night before because it was still early. Danielle was sitting on the couch, still in the same clothes she wore yesterday, but leaning on the arm rest asleep.

She never went to sleep leaving the lights on.

"Danielle, Danielle," I whispered, seeing if she'd wake up. She was out cold. Calling me till five o'clock in the morning had worn her out. I tapped her shoulder. "Danielle, get up. Why you got all these lights burning?"

"Huh? Superman, that you?" she said, still waking up. Her morning voice was so innocent and almost childlike. It used to make me hold her tighter when we first woke up and she'd tell me she loved me.

"Yeah, it's me. You need to get up and get in the bed. You got all these lights on."

"I was waiting for you. Where have you been? I was trying to call you all night, I thought something had happened. I didn't know what to do." Her voice was still a little scratchy but she was coming to.

"I had to get away for a minute, had some things I had to get off my mind. I would have answered but I didn't hear my phone ringing."

"Oh, well, I'm glad you're all right. Are you hungry? I'm sorry I didn't cook yet, I would have but I fell asleep."

"No, I'm not hungry, but I do have a question. What were you doing last night? And please, just be honest," I said looking her in the eye. I knew she didn't expect me to ask her at the moment but that made it even better of a time to finally bring it up. I needed to know and I needed to know right then.

"What do you mean, be honest? What are you talking about? I was here."

"Here with who, Danielle? Don't play dumb."

She sat up and looked at me still squinting but wide awake now. "I'm not playing dumb. I was here, I promise. I didn't go anywhere all night."

"Danielle, I just want you to tell me the truth. I'm not saying I won't be mad, but I need you to come out and be real about whatever it is you were doing."

"I am being real. I don't have anything to lie about. Why don't you just say what you're trying to say already instead of talking crazy like I did something wrong."

"Okay, well, since you wanna play it like that, cool. I saw you. I saw you last night. You and Lewis were up in here while I was gone. You didn't think I saw you, but I saw both of y’all hugged up at the door and everything."

She looked away and shook her head. That was all the confirmation I needed right there. I knew it.

Then she started laughing.

I said, "What's so funny?"

"You."

"What you mean me? I don't think this is funny and it's messed up that you think it's a joke."

"Well, it is funny. I mean, yeah I had him in here, but it wasn't like I was sleeping with him or anything. I had him here because he needed my book to do last minute studying. Normally he asks me to send my notes but instead of me telling him no I just told him he can come get the book and do the work for himself. So he did. I know it was late and all but he called my bluff. The least I could do was actually help him. He wasn't here for a real long time, just like 10 minutes or so for an overview and then he left. And I wasn't hugged up with him, I just gave him a hug, that's it. I don't know why you're being all over dramatic, you should have just asked instead of assuming. I can't believe you think I'd do something like that. He's not even my type. Ugh." She got up and walked back into the bedroom.

My chest started pounding and I took the seat she had just vacated. This news should have been a relief, but it was devastating.

It would've been better if she had a confession, even a mild one. Maybe that she had been getting to know him for a while but it never went past that, or that she wanted to cheat one time but couldn't do it and was sending him on his way, anything but this.

Now I was left shit-faced. Guilt was bum-rushing me, and weight that few people could lift on their own had placed itself on my shoulders. I couldn't say a word.

I should have went and apologized before even accusing her. Then again, what's an apology without a promise to do better? What's a promise with a track record of infidelity? I lost all respect from and for myself.