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I considered suicide. I considered a lot of things, but that part of me that killed Gabriel and a spark of self-righteous indignation that none of this was of my doing meant that, abomination though I was, I could not die by my own hand. Oblivious, Tristan remained solicitous of my every need although I did little to encourage him.
Once or twice, I allowed myself the luxury of imagining myself as Tristan’s wife. It was a foolish daydream, nothing but fluff without any substance. He was beautiful, it could not be denied. Yet beyond that, while I certainly liked him, I had no deeper feelings. No desires beyond the aesthetic. If I never saw him again, I would miss him, sure enough. It wouldn’t break my heart.
Damien had not returned. Mrs Hudson visited once or twice and remarked that she had seen him, but that he had decided to travel around the country for an unspecified length of time. I found myself staring at the hanging in the sitting room, starting when a draft blew in and set it gently swaying. I missed him.
That small, indignant part of me felt let down and abandoned. The rest knew that I deserved it. He must regret those moments in my company so bitterly. That he had almost kissed me, an incestuous mess. He had seen his escape and counted himself lucky. I could not blame him.
If Edwina knew anything about the feelings of or undercurrents between the young people in her care, she didn’t show it. We carried on as normal as days stretched into weeks, and weeks into months, monotonous and repetitive, but also safe and familiar. The letter from the solicitor lay in my drawer, untouched but not forgotten. The only time I considered touching it was to pay Edwina something towards my keep, but any time I remotely raised the issue Tristan went very red and started blustering about being able to support his family.
I should have made more of an issue of it, if only for the sake of my pride, but at that moment I was happy to breeze along without making a fuss or causing a ruckus. I craved simplicity in my life, and the Lovetts provided it. My routine was uninterrupted to the point where the days and weeks seemed to merge into one. Then one Wednesday afternoon, while I was cutting back dead branches from the trees, Mrs Raynor came to visit.
Edwina reacted to our unexpected guest with the sort of complete control I had come to expect from her. With the grace of a queen, she led me into the sitting room and introduced my – I didn’t know what to call her. Neither did Edwina, I don’t think, so after a pause she just said,
‘Mrs Raynor, Fleur dear,’ then guided me to sit down beside her, opposite Mrs Raynor’s quivering feathers.
‘How kind of you to call,’ Edwina said, when neither Mrs Raynor nor myself took the initiative to carry the conversation. ‘Shall I ring for tea?’
‘That won’t be necessary, thank you.’ Mrs Raynor shifted in her seat, and I heard her corsets creak. She had not removed her hat, nor pulled back the black veil she wore, so her expression was obscured. ‘Mrs Lovett, I wonder, could I trouble you for a few moments alone with – with Fleur?’
Edwina turned to face me, clearly bristling with the urge to protect me.
‘I will leave you alone if Fleur wishes it,’ she said, her back as straight as a board. ‘Fleur?’
‘Would – could you remove your veil, Mrs Raynor?’ I asked.
With hands that shook slightly, Mrs Raynor complied. Her face revealed nothing; she was as unreadable and haughty as ever, but as she had complied with my request, I felt bound to comply with hers.
‘I will see you. Edwina, thank you, but-’
‘As you wish it.’ Edwina gave a stern nod and rose with all the dignity she could muster. ‘I shall be in the kitchen.’
With a swish of her skirts, she left, leaving the door open.
‘How can I help you, Mrs Raynor?’
Her lips twitched slightly before she spoke.
‘I understand my son’s solicitor wrote to you some months ago, detailing your inheritance. Did you receive such a letter?’
‘Yes.’ I quashed the impulse to add “Ma’am,” although my wariness ensured that I remained polite.
‘Today I myself received a letter from the solicitor, advising me that you have yet to respond to them. They say that you haven’t shown any interest in claiming the money. Is that true?’
‘It is,’ I said.
‘And might I ask why?’ She paused for me to answer, but when I did not, she continued. ‘Many a young lady would jump at the chance for such a fortune. Many a young lady would kill for such a fortune.’
I was stung.
‘I do not want it.’
‘No?’
‘I want nothing from Gabriel. I never have. His dying changes nothing.’
Mrs Raynor looked impressed, in spite of herself.
‘You have steel in you, I will give you that. You never showed it before.’ She spoke idly, as though recalling something from a long, long time ago, and of little importance. I felt anger flush through me and sat up a little straighter.
‘Things have changed, Mrs Raynor, since I was brought into your house, as your son’s unnatural wife.’
Her face fell slightly.
‘I had wondered if you were familiar – if your father had told you-’
‘Told me that he wasn’t my father?’ I interrupted, but she carried on.
‘Or if you had spoken to Gabriel before he died.’
She peered at me closely, and I met her eyes without flinching.
‘He did speak to me, yes.’
Mrs Raynor’s eyes lit with curiosity, and she rolled her lips between her teeth, clearly weighing up whether or not to ask me how much I knew.
‘He told me what he did to my mother,’ I supplied without waiting for her to come to a decision.
‘So, it was true?’ Her words were a breathless whisper. ‘And he admitted it?’
‘He certainly didn’t deny it.’ I straightened my spine, drawing myself up and looking down my nose at her. ‘But you knew, didn’t you? When he brought me into his house, and I was just a child, you knew what he had done.’
‘My son – he didn’t see things as other people did.’ She dropped her gaze and pulled at the fingertips of her gloves. ‘And he was always in control of everyone around him. I tried to pretend it wasn’t happening, when I saw how he was with Rosie. A mother doesn’t want to see those things from her own son. I couldn’t bear it.’
‘Nor could she,’ I said.
‘I did what I could to make it better for her.’ She tugged a tiny lace handkerchief from her reticule and dabbed at the tear tracks on her cheeks. ‘I gave her money and sent her away. I gave her up. You’ll understand if you ever have a son. I just tried to make it so it wasn’t so bad. Patrick Mason was supposed to hide you from him. I paid him handsomely enough. Gabriel should never have found you.’
‘But he did, Mrs Raynor. And I am your daughter in law and your granddaughter.’
She flinched at that, and I continued.
‘You showed me no kindness when I arrived at your house, and treated me worse than you treat your servants which, I might add, struck me as abominable. I may not have any experience of these things, as you were at great pains to tell me when I arrived, but I know that I would not return to that house for all the money in the world. Your son raped his sister, and now his child. You stood by and let that happen.’
As I spoke the words, so awful, confirming out loud just what had happened, it was as though I was realising them for the first time. I surged with anger, and at that moment I would have killed Gabriel again if I had the chance.
‘Oh Fleur,’ Mrs Raynor leaned forward and reached out to me, but I ignored the hand she proffered. ‘That’s why I’m here. I want you to take the money. It seems only right that you should have some sort of... compensation from all of this.’
I rose at that, and strode towards the window. I saw the chair where Gabriel’s body had fallen, the hanging that had rippled as Damien waited. Mrs Raynor watched me, alert and nervous.
‘You can’t buy off your guilt. You can’t pay to undo the lives your son ruined. Are you offering Mrs Hudson money, for what he did to Cassandra?’
‘I just – the family name-’
‘So, you’re buying my silence, too?’ I swung round to face her. ‘You think I want to broadcast this? That I’m a freak of nature, an abomination? This is nothing to do with protecting your family name.’
‘It’s your family too,’ Mrs Raynor said weakly.
‘I have no family,’ I said through gritted teeth, ‘and if anybody even comes close then it’s the Lovetts.’
‘Please will you let me help you,’ she reached out again, and I looked down at her proffered hand with scorn.
‘Understand this, Mrs Raynor. You are nothing to me. I care as little for your feelings as you once did for mine. If I decide to accept the money – and I’m certainly not saying I will, then it will be because it is my right as Gabriel’s widow, and nothing whatsoever to do with saving your good name or absolving you of the guilt you quite rightly feel.’
‘I did not want to hurt you. I pushed you away because-’
‘You pushed me away, so you did not hurt yourself. You pretended it wasn’t happening just like you pretended with my mother and with Cassandra. Gabriel did kill Cassandra, didn’t he?’
If at all possible, Mrs Raynor seemed to turn a shade paler and swallowed several times.
‘I think the very least you could do it tell me the truth,’ I snapped.
She nodded.
‘That will do then.’ I strode to the door and opened it fully. ‘Edwina!’
There was the clattering of pots in the kitchen and the sound of footsteps. I turned back to Mrs Raynor.
‘You’ll be wanting to leave, of course. Please don’t call on me again.’
‘Going so soon?’ Edwina appeared at the door, her sleeves rolled up to the elbows and a dab of flour on her cheek. She still exuded confidence and authority, despite her slightly dishevelled appearance. ‘Such a shame, but never mind.’
Mrs Raynor rose shakily and reached out for me again.
‘Please, if you could reconsider...’ Her hand wrapped limply around my arm, and I shook her off impatiently.
‘I’ve said all I am prepared to say,’ I said quietly. ‘You’re wasting your time.’
Edwina guided her to the door, and she left, wandering unsteadily down the path, directionless and old.
‘She didn’t upset you, did she?’ Edwina said as she closed the door.
‘No,’ I said. ‘In fact, I feel better than I have in days.’