| |
I found Apollo easily. Although he was a slight distance away from the museum, his bronzed torso rose above the hedges, meaning that the fountain at his feet was reassuringly screened from view. And there sat Damien, on the fountain edge, leaning back on his hands, watching the clouds roll overhead.
‘You came,’ he said as he rose to greet me.
I hung back, preserving the space between us.
‘It seemed important.’
‘You never used to be so coy,’ he said.
‘I like irritating you,’ I replied. ‘I think it’s one of my favourite things.’
He smiled at that.
‘And you came alone?’ Damien peered behind me, as though expecting to see Tristan materialise from out of the hedge.
‘I said I needed some air. They don’t watch over me all the time you know, they’re my friends, not my keepers.’
He shrugged.
‘You must know why I wanted to talk to you.’
‘Oh no,’ I stepped back again until my back brushed the hedge. ‘I’m not guessing. You asked me here, I came, now say what you wanted to say.’
Damien raised his brows at that.
‘My, you have grown up. Fine, tell me, are you engaged to Tristan?’
‘No,’ I replied bluntly. ‘Are you?’
He laughed, and his voice was softer.
‘Damn it, Fleur. Do you love him?’
I shook my head and plucked at the tiny stray shoots beneath my fingers.
‘Shouldn’t you be asking if I love you?’
That floored him, and I was glad.
‘Do you?’ he whispered.
I shook my head again. ‘I don’t know. I don’t know if I want to.’
Damien smiled, and looked at me with pride, which surprised me.
‘Won’t you sit? I’d like to talk to you.’
My hands lingered against the hedge behind me, but I pushed myself forward and sat beside him on the edge of the fountain, ensuring there were several feet of stone between us.
‘The thing of it is, I’m almost entirely sure I’m in love with you, Fleur.’
I stared down into the fountain, watching the ripples and bubbles, but not really looking. Just not looking at him.
‘I knew I was falling for you at the house, so when everything happened and I saw how you struggled after Gabriel died, it would have been so easy to just – I don’t know – to take advantage of you. You didn’t need Tristan and me scrapping over you when you could barely understand your own feelings.’
‘I see.’
‘When I say it now, it sounds presumptuous. But I didn’t want to presume anything. I couldn’t trust myself not to try and look after you, so I left. I hoped you’d get stronger on your own, because you didn’t need anyone. Least of all someone you’d come to depend on.’
I stared into the water still, trying to consider what he was saying but really, struggling to think over the pounding of my heart.
‘You assume I would have come to rely on you?’ I tried to sound stung, but I knew it was true.
‘You needed to become your own person. You weren’t before, because you didn’t know who you were. Perhaps you still aren’t, I don’t know. Maybe I was wrong.’
I shrugged, and refused to meet his eye.
‘I thought perhaps,’ he continued, ‘even if you’d not be happier alone, that you’d be better off with Tristan than with me. He’s a boy, really. He’s not as warped as I am. And he loves you.’
‘He doesn’t love me.’ I jerked my head up to face him. ‘He thinks he does, but he just likes the idea of me. He just likes how against Gabriel, I won. That’s not real love. He idolizes this image of me, and he’s put it in a painting. That won’t last.’
‘Far be it from me to do down another man’s feelings, but I think you might be right. But I don’t know. Either way, he could be good for you. He can offer you marriage, children, money, and a fair degree of fame as his muse, if that painting’s anything to go by.’
A breeze made the hedges hush and sway, and blew ripples on the surface of the water. I watched them all as I considered what to say.
‘Did you ask me here to advise me to marry Tristan?’ I said finally.
No, no.’ Damien chuckled. ‘If I was doing that, I’d tell you to marry me.’
‘I don’t want to marry.’
‘I don’t care.’
I looked at him curiously, suddenly afraid. Surely, he wouldn’t force me. He couldn’t, I reassured myself. I was my own woman now.
‘I want you to come away with me.’
I laughed, relief and disbelief mingling.
‘I’m serious. I want to travel more. Europe, this time. Then America. And I think you should come with me.’
‘But you don’t want to marry me?’ I eyed him with suspicion.
‘Oh no, I do.’ Damien leaned back and trailed his fingertips over the surface of the water. ‘But you don’t have to if you don’t want.’
‘You’re playing very easily with my virtue,’ I said ponderously, trying to keep my tone light. ‘If I had one to lose.’
‘I don’t give a damn about your virtue, and I don’t think you do either. Do you?’
I laughed again. ‘Not really.’
‘Well then. Let’s travel together. We can see everything the world has to offer and have glorious fun doing it.’
‘What if I don’t love you? What if I can’t?’ I turned to him fully now, wanting him to see how serious I was. I was scared I couldn’t love him – that I couldn’t be the woman he imagined I was.
He shrugged.
‘I’ll not lie – I’d much rather you did. I think as time goes on – every minute I spend with you, I fall a little deeper. But I swear.’ He took my hand in his own, warm and ungloved, and addressed it, not me. ‘I’ll never press you. But I love you, there’s no use sidestepping it. But more than that, I truly, truly like you. I like who you’ve become, and I like who you were.’
I stared at my hand where he held it, and he glanced up before placing it reverently back on the stone.
‘I’m not in love with Tristan,’ I said, answering him finally.
‘No,’ I heard the smile in his voice. ‘I’d gathered as much. Women in love don’t tend to meet other men by fountains.’
‘I’ll make a note of that.’
The wind began to whip up around us, but in the oasis around the fountain, sheltered by the high hedges, I couldn’t feel it. All I could see were whirling leaves, spiralling high above us.
‘I still don’t know what I want,’ I said quietly. ‘If I should ever have children. If I should marry. If I can ever be happy in my own skin. The charities helped, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be comfortable with what I am, or what I did. I’m a mess, Damien, and you don’t really know me. Not really. I’ve got better – better than I was at any rate, but there are still days – more than I’d rather, where I wonder if...’ I had to swallow hard before continuing. ‘If I should end it. If it’s all worth it.’
Damien reached for my hand again, and held it tightly.
‘I’m not who Tristan thinks I am,’ I continued, ‘but I don’t know that I’m who you think either. It’s been a long time, Damien, since I last saw you, and the fact is that I’m a liability. I’m a hindrance rather than a help.’
‘You’re not Alice,’ he said with a smile, cocking his head to one side.
‘That’s certainly true.’ I managed a smile, but I felt as though my insides were dissolving and bubbling away, like the fountain. The more I protested, the more I wanted Damien to love me.
‘You’re the best man I’ve ever met. You care, not just about me, but about everything. And you were right – I did need the time without you. But I’m not right yet, I’m not normal and I don’t know if I ever will be. And you don’t really know me.’
He squeezed my hand again, and leaned forward, his face mere inches from mine.
‘I don’t know your favourite colour, although I now know how you take your tea. I think you like Shakespeare – and I know you like gardening. But that doesn’t matter. I have the rest of my life to learn that. I know who you are, in there. That’s what’s important. And if you don’t know yourself yet – at least you’ve started. And I’d like to be there as you find out, finding out with you.’
My resolve faltered, and melted away.
‘Ask me again,’ I whispered. ‘Ask me to come away with you again.’
Damien smiled.
‘Come travelling with me, Fleur? Please?’
‘Maybe,’ I said.