Being pregnant, I was sober and off all drugs and completely focused on something growing inside of me. Having miscarried before made me even more determined to do everything in my power to make sure this baby lived. I’d actually stopped all exercise, too, because I was still on bed rest after coming back from Seattle.
Becoming pregnant the first time I’d been really nervous but excited, I was so happy when I saw that first home pregnancy test, I still have it. I told my mum and she was so thrilled, we all were, but that’s when I learnt pretty quickly that you don’t tell people you’re pregnant until much later. Losing that baby was devastating. It’s a big shift in your brain from the thought of becoming a mum, to the realisation that the chance to be a mother, my baby was suddenly gone. I’d thought I was ready, but it wasn’t to be. Being pregnant again felt like perfect timing, I was completely ready, I no longer had basketball commitments and all the associated travel, and would be wholly his or hers. Being an older mum I knew I’d appreciate my baby more than I would have in, say, my twenties, I don’t know how I would have dealt with it back then, because I was focused wholly and solely on myself.
I didn’t enjoy being pregnant, I was scared I was going to lose my baby the whole time, after that first miscarriage and then the haemorrhage in Seattle. Every day I’d wake up and check for a heartbeat—or just try and get the baby to kick when it was big enough—and just worry, all the time. That worry consumed me. Would I love the baby when it arrived? Would I cope? I almost talked myself into the fact that my baby wasn’t going to make it, but I do that when I shouldn’t. I had the usual ultrasounds you have when you’re pregnant, and was always relieved every time I saw the little heartbeat flutter inside me. I didn’t socialise much when I was pregnant. When I would go out I’d want to have a few drinks, so it was easier to stay at home—although the few times I did socialise I quite enjoyed being the designated driver, it had never happened before. Mostly, though, I really did just want to be alone.
Before falling pregnant I had to get X-rays of my hip and pubis area, and I actually saw the damage and the arthritis in that region after all the injuries I’d sustained over the years. My doctors had also seen the issues with my hip/pelvic area during routine scans on my hamstring, and had mentioned pinning it together post-retirement. Then I fell pregnant, and decided to wait, but there were times during my pregnancy that I couldn’t get out of bed, I couldn’t walk because of the pain there.
My blood pressure was high, and in January I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia, a serious condition that can limit the blood supply to the baby, and so the doctors gave me a steroid injection to help mature the baby’s lungs. Harry Gray Jackson arrived on 2 February 2017 at 11.44 am by caesarean section. He came a little early because of the pre-eclampsia, and when my little boy arrived he was so tiny. It was really strange, me being such a big human and having this tiny little 2.6 kilogram baby, he looked like a skinny little mouse, but he was so perfect. Mum was with me and she always reminds me that she was the first to see him.
I named him after my maternal grandfather Harry, who’d passed away when I was just 14 weeks old. My mum was so close to her dad, and I remember going to the cemetery to visit his grave with Mum all the time when I was a kid. He was always a presence in my life, even though I didn’t know him. I wanted to also include Dad’s name, but Harry Gary didn’t work, so I transposed a couple of letters, and we have Harry Gray.
When Harry arrived, the adrenaline afterwards took me totally by surprise, I didn’t go to sleep for 36 hours, all I could do was look at him and smile. I’ve never felt anything like that in my entire life, no matter how great a win was or a championship or a MVP, I’d never felt anything like what I experienced after he was born. I remember thinking after retiring that I’d never again experience that level of elation I’d felt when playing and winning, I thought that could never be reproduced. The euphoria I felt after giving birth to Harry was a little bit different, but not that much, and there was an additional level of intensity that I never had when I was playing. The chemical release and the adrenaline pumping through my body after the birth reminded me of those sporting highs, but this experience was so much better.
My baby boy turned out to be the most perfect thing that ever happened to me. Having Harry in my life now has highlighted to me what love should be, and I’ve never had that with anyone before. When you’ve had relationships and they fail constantly, the last thing you want to do is get into another one. I’ve never had a traditional live-in relationship, and I’m really fortunate that because of basketball I will never have to depend on another human being for anything, I’m so grateful for that. Having Harry, I’ve never been happier in all my life. I think I always knew that if I was going to have a child it would be on my own, and I don’t regret anything, Harry is my pride and joy.
I’m a single parent but I’m not alone, I have my wonderful family and amazing friends. Sam, my old friend from Albury and my partner in crime in the Jameson evening in Spain is Harry’s spiritual dad, and I can’t think of a more honest man to help with Harry’s upbringing. Katrina Hibbert and Sue Bird are his spiritual mums. He’s going to have a lot of strong male role models around him, his grandfather, his uncle, his father, wonderful male friends of mine, who he’ll learn a lot from. His father’s also an important part of Harry’s life, but out of respect for him I’ve chosen not to talk about him in this book.
Before having Harry, I could never imagine how Mum could get such pleasure out of watching me, and being there for me, I always thought it must have been hard for her, but now I want a child of mine to do a million times better than I ever did. I want him to be a good kid, respectful, a gentle young man. I suppose like all mothers, I just want my child to be healthy and happy.
I do want Harry to be a leader, not a follower, I want him not to feel pressured by his peers to be a certain way, not to go down the path of actively being a bully, saying hurtful things or being disrespectful. I will talk to Harry about social issues as he grows up, make him aware, and I’m going to ask him to be kind—to be kind and respectful of people.
If he’s keen, Harry can play basketball. When he’s young I will get him into sport because I think the lifestyle is the best way to go for kids, get them out of the house, away from in front of the television, in front of any sort of screen. So I think I’ll get him into something, whatever he wants to do or enjoys doing, any sport, just for fun. Being my child, he’ll be tall, and like my parents did for me, I’ll encourage him to do what he wants to, what he can do.
No matter how well prepared you think you are for a baby and the demands of motherhood, I don’t think you have any idea until you’ve actually had a child. They arrive and you’re just thinking, there is my life gone. The first couple of weeks there were definitely times when I’d look at him and be frightened, thinking ‘This is now my life’, and it really scared me. That feeling didn’t last too long, but I know that my life will never be the same, it’s so much better.