We are hardwired to connect with others.
It’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives and without it, there’s suffering.
– BRENÉ BROWN
For Becky Sansbury, this period in her life has her caring for her ninety-six-year-old mother, who lives with her. While her mom doesn’t need nursing care, she does require care every day for basic needs, safety, cooking, cleaning, and the aspects of life that allow her to live outside a facility with care and dignity. Short-term memory is also an issue.
But there’s more. Becky is also the sole caregiver for her thirty-six-year-old daughter, who has an undiagnosed chronic health condition that has kept her from working. The daughter right now requires complete financial support, emotional support, and some help with day-to-day tasks. Becky says, “I formed a circle of six wise women whom I could trust for loving but honest guidance. I introduced them to each other online (because they don’t all live in my town) and gave them permission to talk to each other, talk about me, talk with me, and knew that the most important thing was that they cared about my well-being. They hold me accountable. They call me when I am faking it.”
Becky added that one of these women recently noted that she was not laughing the same way. “She told me that I wasn’t taking into account the fact that I was ‘on’ about eighteen hours a day and that she didn’t think I was paying attention to the toll it was taking.” Up until that comment, Becky didn’t realize that she did not have healthy boundaries in her work as a hospice chaplain and for the demands at home. “I now know there are times to take off the mantle and just be Becky reading a novel.” Ahhhh.
For Lin Jackson, support came from her sister when it was time to care for their mother. “You can only imagine the partnership. At some point, we did everything together as we were learning. Then we divided and conquered. She took health care and I took finances when it got more routine. I don’t know what somebody does who’s an only child.”
Lin’s point is so valid. I could never have cared for Mom without my amazing sister, Susan, who lives some seventy miles north of me. During that period, I’d accept work only if I knew my sister could come down and cover for me if need be, and I would not leave the United States. We both altered our connections with other parts of our life to care for Mom, because that was what mattered most. Although my business diminished without my regular amount of attention, letting go during this period allowed us both to experience our mother in a more intimate and precious way.
And if you have no sister or brother? Start creating a mutual support group with friends. For you to maintain your resilience, you need the underpinnings of others. You can’t wait until you suddenly need help. Make a conscious choice now and put it into action.
Social support is needed not only in caretaking. It’s essential for life! Shawn Achor, author of The Happiness Advantage, points out that social support is a far greater predictor of happiness than any other factor.1 Studies have found that people with strong relationships are less likely to perceive situations as stressful in the first place. When it comes to burnout, individuals who invest in their social support systems are simply better able to thrive under difficult circumstances.
QUESTIONS
Who has your back?
How will you nurture these relationships?
You can gain energy when you support others. In fact, you might also refuel and recharge when you offer support to someone before they even ask for it. Think of this as a random act of kindness. According to researcher Barbara Fredrickson, loving-kindness gets us away from self-absorption. It releases energy, boosts our immune system, reduces stress, and can generate natural painkillers such as dopamine and serotonin.2 It is an Aha that can really lead to Ahhhh.
Try it. Pay the tollbooth collector for the car behind you. Start the day with putting the newspaper on the neighbor’s front porch. Go visit a friend in her assisted-living facility—even if it is difficult to observe elders in less-than-tiptop shape.
When I made my almost daily visits to Mom in her assisted-living center, I’d call residents by name, give them hugs, and sing for them. It’s sad how so many elders are forgotten and abandoned by their families once they are “placed.” I admit that my gestures were self-serving, because as stress-inducing as it was to care for Mom in her last six years, I found comfort and joy in making small differences for her and the other residents. My research in writing this book confirmed that I probably also increased my levels of oxytocin, a hormone called the “love” hormone.
Focusing on what we can control can throw us into exhaustion or free us to move into breakthrough. Remember my insistence that we only live in the Now. We can plan for the future, create vision and goals, but we can only execute something this day. We can only extend our hands in action this day. As you think about your life and work now, do you notice that you are trying to control something over which you—at a basic level—have no control? You now know that you can choose your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and then act accordingly.
I live in earthquake territory, California. I have no control over tectonic plate movements. But I have many choices to consider. I can move (but I choose my Bill over moving). I can get first aid training. I can make my home and car as earthquake-ready as possible: double-hung pictures, bookshelves bolted to walls, plenty of food, water, three kinds of tools and fire extinguishers. I know how to turn off the gas and have loaded plenty of freeze-dried food, canned goods, plastic bags, paper products, surgical gloves, and medical supplies in a large bin beside my house. Plus, I have hard-sole shoes under the bed, a grab-and-go kit for my car, and on it goes. I have an evacuation plan and a communication system for my spread-across-the-country family in the event of a disaster.
I choose where I live and make alterations for that fact. But you don’t need a dramatic example like an earthquake to explore where you have control. Look back at your CAT scan.
QUESTIONS
Are you saying “yes” to energy-draining activities or people?
Where are your points of control?
Lin Franklin knows that priorities change as life changes. Her method for getting in control is to put poster paper up on the kitchen wall with painter’s tape. Then she uses color-coded stickies to move items around, determining which is urgent, which is important, and what is not urgent or important. “It’s a work in progress and it gives me a sense of completion because at the end of the week, I take the completes and throw them away.”
Professor emeritus Jon Kabat-Zinn, founder and former director of the Stress Reduction Clinic at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, is credited with bringing the practice of mindfulness meditation into the mainstream.3 (See—it’s not a California woo-woo thing!) In simplified terms, mindfulness meditation is purposefully stopping, deliberately slowing down, and paying attention to your breath, your emotions, and your body. Remember that burnout is incessantly striving, doing, running, performing, going, going until you are gone. We move so fast, we’re often not even aware of where we’ve been.
Instead, allow yourself to sit quietly, breathing naturally and slowly, just being aware of the present moment. In fact, re-read this last sentence: slowly, deliberately. Can you feel yourself beginning to calm down? Just notice. Just breathe. Simple, um? And healthy.
A review of forty-seven clinical trials found that mindfulness meditation programs show “small improvements in stress/distress and the mental health component of health-related quality of life.”4 Another study found that focusing on the present through the practice of mindfulness can reduce levels of cortisol, the stress hormone.
Mindfulness helps you stay in the Now. It’s such a powerful tool that it’s practiced by schoolchildren as a way to center them for the day and by CEOs who want to focus and take thoughtful, deliberate decisions. Yunha Kim launched her first start-up in her early twenties and zoomed to the Forbes list of the top “30 under 30.” But that achievement left her burned out. She became a mindfulness advocate, integrating meditation into her daily routine. From her daily practice of meditation, Yunha ended up developing Simple Habit, the top-rated mindfulness app on the App Store, which has more than two thousand guided meditations, claims more than 2.7 million users, and to date has raised millions in funding.5
I’m not sure if you or I will raise millions in funding, but I can guarantee that mindfulness meditation will raise your ability to refuel, recharge, and reclaim what matters Now.
Your body, that is. Whether it’s a mild walk or a vigorous run, yoga classes or spin, Pilates or Spartan burpees, exercise is a superb tool for refueling and recharging. Start small if this is not your “thing.” If you will do some form of exercise in the morning, chances are you’ll keep it up. The day just seems to get away from us if we wait.
Reward yourself when you exercise—and not with chocolate chip cookies. I got in the habit of putting a sticker on my calendar. Funny, but looking at a paper calendar and seeing a sticker just helps me know I am making progress. Have an exercise buddy if that works. Get a dog you have to walk—though that might add to the burnout load with one more thing to do.
I remember going into a neighbor’s house and seeing a plaque on the wall: “Bless this mess.” I chuckled at the time, but now it doesn’t seem so funny. Our ability to refuel and recharge is hampered if our physical surroundings are overwhelmed with “stuff.”
I’m not talking about Marie Kondo’s Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, although you can certainly benefit from her book and her Netflix program. That kind of decluttering will take time. You picked up this book because you are feeling the flames of burnout now. You’re stressed, exhausted, and without energy. What I care about is what you need Now—the single point of focus that will put you in control of what matters most today.
One of my former clients, a meeting planner, asked me to come to her office. She was anxious, overwhelmed, and without energy. As soon as I entered the room, I could see why. Piles of paper were stacked up on almost every available inch of floor space. Pictures were hung askew. And her desk was littered with files. Of course she was overwhelmed. The visual chaos alone created a negative pull on my energy along with hers. I asked her what the single most important assignment was that she needed to work on that day. She rummaged around and pulled out a file.
“Those are the only pieces of paper you can have now on your desk.” I carted off all the other piles and put them in boxes that I found. I then placed them in a closet … for now. Without the visual clutter, she took a deep breath, smiled, and went to work on the task for that day. Obviously, this was not the end of the story. She subsequently hired a professional organizer to create systems that made sense. But you get the point: take the most immediate small step to gain control over your physical surroundings. It’s a breakout Aha. Keep working at it until you feel energy return along with clarity, so you can refuel, recharge, and take care of what matters most. Ahhhh.
Another colleague was stressed and ruminating over an absence of enough consulting work. I recommended that in addition to her marketing effort, she should go through her basement office and begin to clear out and toss any papers, books, and files that no longer served her. You can’t create space for “new” when you are hanging on to old. Weeks later, she reported that she felt a sense of accomplishment and joy by doing that very thing.
Now, do read and/or watch Marie Kondo at your convenience. She has some straightforward ideas. It’s about minimalism and sorting things by category: giving away and putting away, keeping only those items that bring you joy! But you need relief and refueling Now.
QUESTIONS
What is the most immediate step you can take?
What no longer serves you in your “space” (office, home, car)?
When will you start to can the clutter?
What is your Aha that can lead to Ahhhh?
The next two chapters focus on two areas that can help you refuel, recharge, and ultimately reclaim what matters most. These areas build on connecting specifically with the head, heart, and hand because—ultimately—humor and meaning will require all three.