“Rise and shine! Rise and shine!” Brian yells, banging his pot with a wooden spoon. I hear Paul and Martin groan at the same time I do. I see Paul sit up in his bed. He looks around the room like he doesn’t know where he is, and then plops back onto his pillow.
“No dawdling!” Brian steps right into our room and bangs the pot over our heads.
“You’re giving me a headache,” Martin says.
“Adam, Bishop would like to see you in his office after breakfast,” Brian says.
That can’t be good. “What for?”
“You’ll find out when you see him,” Brian says. “Do you know where his office is?”
“No.”
“It’s just down the hall from the media room,” Randall pipes up. “It’s clearly indicated on the map in your handbook.”
“Thanks, Randall.” Brian shoots Randall a look like they know something we don’t. “See you in the mess hall.”
“I wonder what that’s about,” Paul says.
“I hope everything is okay at home,” I say.
“I wouldn’t worry too much,” Randall says. “Bishop probably wants to see how you’re doing.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I ask.
“Nothing,” Randall tries to look innocent.
“Why am I not convinced?” I say.
“Because you’re smart,” Martin says.
All through breakfast I replay the last week in my mind. What could I have done wrong? I haven’t been acting really gay, as far as I can tell. I’ve been doing my best to keep my crush on Paul to myself. Or have I?
I go straight to Bishop’s office from the mess hall. Whatever is going on, I want to get this over and done with before all the guessing drives me crazy.
“Come in,” Bishop calls to my knock on the door.
I poke my head inside. Bishop’s office is also his bedroom. He is sitting at an old desk that is right up against a single bed.
“Have a seat,” Bishop points to the bed. It’s the only other place to sit.
This is the first time I’ve been alone with Bishop. He smells like a combination of body odour and body spray. It prickles my nose.
“Have a seat,” he says again. I take a seat on the bed, and look for the closest exit in case he tries to get physical with me.
“Brian said you wanted to see me,” I break the silence.
“I wanted to check in and see you how you’re doing.”
“Have I been acting like something is wrong?”
“Your parents and pastor were very concerned about your spiritual well-being when they arranged for you to come here.”
“What did they tell you?”
“They said there was an incident with a gay student from your school.”
“Mike is just a friend. We were only shopping.”
“Boys aren’t supposed to go shopping together.”
“People keep saying that to me. I work in a mall, and I see guys shopping together all the time.”
“I’m only bringing it up because you’re sharing a room with three other boys. I worry that it might be tempting for you.”
“In what way?”
“I think you know what I’m talking about.”
“No, I don’t,” I say. I’m going to make him say it. “Please explain it to me.”
Bishop shifts in his office chair. I can tell he was hoping our conversation wouldn’t come to this.
“It’s been brought to my attention that you’re very close to one of your roommates.”
“Martin? I’m concerned about him. He’s obviously depressed, and the diabetes can’t help.”
“I’m talking about Paul.”
“We’re just friends.”
“You said you were ‘just friends’ with this homosexual from school. Yet you lied to your parents so you could be with him.”
“They wouldn’t understand. They didn’t understand.”
“Can you blame them, after you told them you think you’re gay?”
“I haven’t done anything wrong — with Mike or Paul.”
“Not yet, but that doesn’t mean you won’t.”
“I am trying to be the best Christian I can be. Everyone keeps acting like I’m fast and loose with my morals when I’m not. Do you have any idea what this has been like for me?”
“Yes I do,” Bishop says.
I can hear in his voice he is telling the truth. I’m too surprised to speak.
“I too am a straight man trapped in a homosexual body,” Bishop goes on.
“Do my parents know this?” I ask. “Does Pastor Connell?” It doesn’t make sense. Why send me here if Bishop is gay himself?
“I try to keep it under the radar as much as possible. It makes some people uncomfortable.”
It’s making me uncomfortable. But now I have to know what Bishop’s deal is. “So what did you do?” I ask.
“Like your parents, my parents recognized the problem. They sent me to a doctor who specializes in correcting this sort of behaviour.”
“Isn’t that illegal?”
“It is in some parts of the country. This happened twenty years ago, before the mainstream media began promoting the gay agenda.”
“And this doctor was able to convert you? He made you straight?”
“Let’s say that I learned to control those impulses. And now I have a lovely wife. Someday soon we plan to adopt a child and raise him or her to be a good Christian. I’m living as Jesus expects us to.”
“But you still find men attractive.”
“The way a man finds another man’s wife attractive. And you know the commandment against acting on that.”
“But if you’re still attracted to men, what’s the point?”
“Salvation. You have to learn to control your impulses. Only then will you see God’s light. And it’s such a beautiful light. So, how have your urges been since you’ve been with us?”
“Urges?”
“Your feelings for other boys.”
“I’m aware that I’m not supposed to be attracted to boys. I can’t always control what I feel though. It just sort of happens.”
“That’s to be expected.”
“Then why do I feel in my heart that’s it wrong to deny who I am?”
“Feelings are not good for you, Adam. Feelings are what get us into trouble. It’s actions that count.”
“You have to believe me that I’ve tried to make this go away. Prayer doesn’t work. I even tried to train myself to be straight by masturbating to women on the Internet. It doesn’t work.”
“Masturbation is a sin.”
“See, I can’t win!”
“My point is that you can’t expect to make yourself normal on your own. You wouldn’t expect a drug addict to become sober without going into recovery, would you?”
“I don’t know if I would compare being gay to being addicted to drugs.”
“Both end in death and destruction. If you let me, I can help you overcome your feelings.”
“But if I try to change who I am, won’t I damage myself in the process?”
“I don’t want to change you. I want to help you discover who you really are. I know it feels like you are at war with your body, but you are really at war with God. I’m here to negotiate peace. Will you let me try to help you?”
I think for a second. This goes against everything I’ve read about being gay. If I decide to go along with this, I might do real damage to myself. But what choice do I have? I’m stuck on the top of this mountain with Bishop for another couple of weeks.
“Okay,” I finally say.
“I’ll schedule some time with you this week, okay?”
“Thanks, Bishop.”
As I walk down the empty hall, I can’t stop thinking about what Bishop said. Feelings are bad for us. But what is the point of morals without feelings to guide them? If you need God to tell you the difference between what is right and wrong, are you saved? It’s enough to send you off the deep end!
When I get back to our room, I see Randall in his bed reading the Bible. He looks at me and smiles. Paul’s bed is empty. It dawns on me that Randall must have had something to do with my meeting with Bishop. That would explain the look he shared with Brian this morning. No wonder he’s been all over me since I got here. Randall is Bishop’s little gay spy.