17
Sadie Hawkins

It’s the second-to-last Friday before the end of camp. In the counsellors’ never-ending efforts to reinforce straight Christian relationships, they have planned a Sadie Hawkins dance. I would be excited by the prospect of going to a dance, but Paul and I have not spoken in two days.

I’m trying not to show how much our argument has affected me. It’s hard. I want to tell Paul I’m sorry. But I don’t feel like I’m wrong. If anything, he’s the one who should apologize to me. At the same time, I’m worried that we’re going to go our separate ways without making up. It makes me mad that Paul doesn’t understand my point of view, but not so mad that I never want to speak to him again.

Martin, Randall, and I are standing off to the side of the dance floor. We watch boys and girls mingle with one another. Paul is off with some of the other campers.

“Don’t look now, but I think Rhonda’s roommate is making a move on Paul,” Randall says.

“Where?” I say, looking around the mess hall.

“Over there,” Randall points to the other side of the room.

I see Paul holding a cup of non-alcoholic punch. He is smiling and chatting with Sarah.

“Since when has Paul ever shown interest in her?” I say out loud.

“If I didn’t know better, I would think you were jealous,” Randall says.

“I’m not jealous. I just think it’s weird that we’ve been here for three weeks and Paul has never once tried to talk to her alone.”

“That’s because he’s been too busy hanging out with you,” Randall says.

I don’t know what I want to do more right now: get between Paul and Sarah or punch Randall in the throat.

Is Paul really into Sarah? I can’t blame him after the way I treated him. What if he falls for her? I try to tell myself he’s never going to be able to make her happy. I could tell from our “relationship” that he would always have one foot out the door. It was just like being my boyfriend. It wasn’t like I was asking him to hold my hand in public. I didn’t even expect him to kiss me. All I wanted was his undivided attention. I made it too easy for him. He had nothing to lose.

“I love this song,” Randall says, swaying to the music.

“You should ask someone to dance,” I tell him.

“I don’t like any of the girls here enough for that,” he says.

“It’s three minutes of your life. It’s not like you’re asking for their hand in marriage,” Martin says.

“I wouldn’t want to lead anyone on like that,” Randall says.

“You’re so weird,” Martin tells him.

I feel someone tap me on the shoulder. I turn around and see Rhonda. She’s holding up a red Solo cup of punch. “Did you drink the Kool-Aid yet?”

“Not yet,” I say.

“Want to dance?” she asks.

“I would like nothing better.” I let Rhonda grab my hand and drag me to the dance floor.

“I never thanked you for putting your neck on the line for me at Prayer Circle.” We are dancing with a foot of space between us. “It took a lot of guts for you to do what you did.”

“It was worth it. If I didn’t say anything, I would have lost it.”

“Sorry I was such a jerk after Bible Study. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I was mad and you were an easy target.”

“You had every right to be mad at me. It was pretty two-faced of me to support you after the fact. And in private.”

“Still, it wasn’t my place to force you into saying something you weren’t comfortable saying. I can’t expect everyone to fight my battles for me.”

“That’s funny. Paul said the same thing to me after I let you into the Prayer Circle.”

“You two aren’t fighting over me are you?”

“Let’s just say my little protest didn’t go over so well with him.”

“So that’s why he’s dancing with Sarah.”

“Sort of. Yeah.”

“Want me to say something to him?”

“No. I don’t want to make things worse than they already are.”

“You can’t let him fall back on his old ways. You guys make such a cute couple.”

“You think so?”

“I wish you could see what you guys look like when you’re together. It’s like there’s this energy coming off you that could power a small town. It’s magical.”

“But he’s so deep in the closet. It took so long for me to admit who I am. It figures the first person I have feelings for is too afraid to express who he really is.”

“You can’t force someone to come out of the closet. You have to let them do it on their own.”

I think back to working on the yearbook with Mike. He made me feel comfortable even when I didn’t know what I wanted from the world. If he had tried to force me to admit to being gay, I still might be trying to fight it.

“Didn’t you say a friend of your family outed you?” Rhonda prompts. “Look at the mess that got you into.”

I’m horrified at the idea that I might be doing to Paul what Greta did to me.

Rhonda can tell I need a subject change. “Do you know what you’re going to do when you leave here?”

“Bishop is going to recommend my parents send me to a ‘doctor’ who treats queer Christian kids.”

“You can’t let your parents do that to you.”

“I won’t. What about you? What are you going to do?”

“Running away doesn’t seem to work. I keep getting caught. I’m going to see if there are any government services that can help me legally get away from my parents. I have an aunt my mother doesn’t talk to. I’m hoping she’ll take me in.”

“Are you ready to give up on your parents like that?”

“They gave up on me,” she says. “There’s no point in fighting anymore. We’re not getting anywhere. Speaking of which — hold on tight.”

Rhonda swings me around so fast I almost lose my balance. When my head stops spinning, I look up and see Paul dancing with Sarah right beside us.

Paul and I look into each other’s eyes. I don’t know if I should smile or look away. Another couple dances in between us and I lose sight of him until the song ends. When the song is over, I go back to where I was standing with Martin and Randall. They haven’t budged since I left them.