Becoming a responsible human being is a path filled with potholes and visited constantly by temptations. Children need guidance and moral road maps, and they benefit immensely with the examples of adults who speak truthfully and act from moral strength.
—Vigen Guroian, Tending the Heart of Virtue
Schools have tried to implement “character training,” an enterprise that’s bound to fail because it’s been taught in a theological and philosophical vacuum. Moral issues are discussed, but no one moral standard can be settled on since someone might disagree and the beliefs of all must be respected. Right and wrong can’t be asserted with too much vigor because “we want our children to be tolerant, and we sometimes seem to think that a too sure sense of right and wrong only produces fanatics.”1
Character training isn’t some sort of subject, like algebra or spelling, that can be packaged into a curriculum and taught to everyone, regardless of belief. The definition of character is tied to standards of right and wrong, which in turn are tied to religious belief; the training of character is done through example and teaching—not in a classroom, but in daily life.
What is character? Character is the possession of moral qualities that have become habits of life. As a partial list, we offer:
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Boldness |
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Honesty |
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Compassion |
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Humility |
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Creativity |
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Initiative |
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Dependability |
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Patience |
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Determination |
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Perseverance |
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Diligence |
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Responsibility |
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Endurance |
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Self-control |
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Enthusiasm |
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Sincerity |
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Fairness |
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Thoroughness |
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Forgiveness |
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Tolerance |
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Gratefulness |
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Truthfulness |
While we can’t imagine anyone arguing about the components of this list, we also can’t figure out how to teach them in the abstract without some sort of philosophical, theological underpinning (taboo in public schools).
Be diligent, the teacher of the character curriculum says.
The student yawns: I’m bored with the subject. I don’t see what good it’s doing me. So why be diligent?
As parents, we answer: Because we believe that this subject will do you good down the road, and that’s what we’re aiming you toward. (Schools don’t really have the right—or the authority—to make career plans for students. Parents do.) And even if you don’t see this, we have the responsibility of planning for your future and the authority to tell you how to prepare for it.
This is our approach—yours might be different. The point is that the parent and child share a context—a worldview—within which certain qualities of character can be explained in a way that makes sense. Without this shared context, character training becomes a matter of following pointless rules. And this sort of character building lasts only until the student reaches the age of independence.
When it comes to the more demanding virtues—tolerance, forgiveness, humility—that shared context is even more vital. The Christian believes in a forgiveness that is modeled after God’s—it doesn’t expire after a number of offenses. A secular, Muslim, Buddhist, or Scientologist definition of forgiveness might be expressed differently. The unfortunate teacher, honor-bound not to step on anyone’s toes, has to allow the class to evolve a lowest-common-denominator definition of forgiveness from the students’ shared consciousness. By the time this is done, the moral quality under discussion—supposedly a yardstick for the students to measure themselves against—has become a loosely worded definition of what everyone is prepared to accept.
To define character properly may be nearly impossible for schools, but to build character is even further out of the realm of possibility. These moral qualities have to become habits, and habits are often achieved by going against the immediate short-term desire of the child. This is a parent’s job, not a teacher’s.
If these moral qualities are to become habits of life, they must be reinforced by both observation and practice. As you supervise your child’s education, you can encourage him to read books and watch movies that demonstrate admirable character. Be careful of the character content of teen or young-adult books. Some are excellent, some aren’t. Jessie remembers her sixth-grade son picking up a book full of sexual obsession with no encouragement of positive morality. The author of that book has said in interviews that any experience children have is a valid theme for literature. But the whole enterprise of teaching character assumes that some experiences are worth dwelling on and striving for, while others aren’t.
You must also be a model of these qualities every day. When you forgo your own wants to tutor your child through fifth-grade math, you’re demonstrating self-control. When you patiently go through a lesson several times until the child figures it out, you’re showing perseverance. When you introduce a history lesson, complete with coloring books, paper models, and interesting books that you’ve collected, you’re showing enthusiasm. When you turn off the TV because a program you want to watch wouldn’t be good for the child, you’re showing self-discipline. These qualities have to be internalized by the child, and this will only happen if she continually sees them being practiced by you.
As you work with her every day, you’re helping her to put good character into practice. To develop character, a child has to learn obedience. Obviously, strict obedience changes as the child grows older and shows herself to be responsible. But it is impossible to teach a child over whom you have no control (ask any public-school teacher). Currently, obedience is a virtue that isn’t popular since it’s at odds with the autonomy now touted as being essential to proper development. But autonomy—what I want supersedes any consideration for family, community, or government—can ultimately turn into disregard for laws or restrictions.
It’s an expression of intelligent, loving care to teach a child that disregarding certain rules brings unpleasant consequences. You can’t live in the real world without structure and authority: every day, we stop at stop signs, drive on the right side of the road, refrain from stealing food at the grocery store. The child with character has learned to thrive within structure.
Requiring a child to work and study hard in the early years develops the moral qualities of industry and perseverance. This doesn’t mean that the child has a cheerless education. Many of the subjects studied are enjoyable, fascinating, immediately engrossing. But others won’t be instantly fun. Some will require hard work so that the student can acquire skills she’ll need in the future. The reality of life is that disciplined people usually accomplish more and can achieve their goals.
Powerful models of character are found in stories. Read them together. Talk about them. The joy of home education is that all of this learning takes place in the context of the family. You’re not just teaching hard principles. You’re also living them out. Thus, education becomes entwined with the living of life—together.
RESOURCES
Guroian, Vigen. Tending the Heart of Virtue: How Classic Stories Awaken a Child’s Moral Imagination. New York: Oxford University Press, 2002.
A fantastic book about good, evil, friendship, redemption, faith, and courage. Read it together, and read the books Guroian discusses. At bookstores.
Kilpatrick, William, Gregory Wolfe, and Suzanne M. Wolfe. Books That Build Character: A Guide to Teaching Your Child Moral Values through Stories. New York: Touchstone, 1994.
An introduction to morality, along with descriptions of dozens of stories for families to read together. At bookstores.