Twenty-Four
I couldn’t wait to see Michaela. Today I’d introduced our dads to one another over the phone and they ended up talking for over an hour. They really hit it off. For the first time in weeks, I saw some of the life come back into my father’s eyes. Whatever Michaela’s dad had said to him, it worked. Now I just wanted to let her know how grateful I was.
I texted her to see if she wanted to come over for dinner, but she responded to say she was feeling under the weather. I was disappointed that I wouldn’t get to see her, but decided I’d surprise her with breakfast in the morning instead.
A half an hour later, I arrived back at the house and I was just slotting my key in the door when my phone vibrated with a text. For some reason, I got a bad feeling. Then I read it and that feeling expanded exponentially. It was the longest text I’d ever received.
Michaela: James, I know it might seem cowardly to send this in a text, but I promise there’s a method to my madness. Mostly I know that if we have this conversation in person, you’ll argue with me and convince me I’m wrong. You’ll try to change my mind and I’ll be too weak to resist.
Diana came to see me today. I won’t go into too much detail, and clearly she has an agenda, but she also made me realise some things. The most important is that I took advantage of you. You don’t know this, but I’ve fancied you pretty much from the first day we met. For months I kept my crush a secret. Then, when you were going through one of the most traumatic periods of your life, I made sure I was there. I took advantage of your loneliness and grief for my own selfish needs and I’ll never forgive myself for that.
You are the best person I’ve ever known and it breaks my heart to do this, but it needs to be done. You need time to heal and to grieve. Diana took advantage of your kind nature and I never want to be like her, so I’m proposing a separation. I know your mother’s death is something that will always be with you, but you’re still going through the grieving process and I want to give you space to heal in your own time. Once you’re finally feeling like yourself again, then you can decide if you still want to be with me.
Whenever that time comes, I’ll be here.
All my love,
Michaela.
P.S. I’ll do my best to stay out of your way at work.
I gripped my phone so tight I almost crushed the screen. My breathing quickened to the point where I was hyperventilating and pain seized my chest. I dropped down onto the chair and tried to calm down, but it was no use. I was having a panic attack. I’d had them before but never like this. My hands shook and dizziness overwhelmed me. Thoughts raced through my head a mile a minute.
What on earth had Diana said to her?
My devious ex-fiancée had somehow wheedled her way into Michaela’s insecurities and convinced her she was some kind of villain, which couldn’t be further from the truth. Beautiful, sweet, sensitive Michaela couldn’t take advantage of me if she tried. Yes, I was going through a rough time, but if anything, she made it better. Losing Mum and breaking up with Diana would’ve been so much harder if I didn’t have Michaela’s gentle, calming presence in my life.
The panic attack became so bad I had to run upstairs and dig out the bottle of pills I’d stowed away in case of an emergency. I held the bottle in my hand, about to open it and down the pills when something came over me. This wasn’t me anymore. I didn’t need medicine, I just used it as a crutch. I thought of Michaela, of the sense of peace I felt when she put her hands on me. Opening the bottle, I upended it over the toilet then flushed away the pills.
I didn’t need them. After a while, my pulse slowed and my breathing evened out. Then, as I centred my thoughts, anger took anxiety’s place.
Pulling out my phone, I dialled Diana’s number and brought it to my ear.
“James, it’s so good to hear from you,” she answered sweetly.
“What did you do?” I growled. My question was followed by a long silence.
“I don’t know what you’re—”
“Don’t play dumb. I know you spoke to Michaela.”
“I just told her the truth. She took advantage of you, James. You can’t see it, but I can.”
“She didn’t take advantage. You don’t know anything about us.”
Now she laughed. “Oh, honey, I’ve seen the photographs, and like they say, a picture paints a thousand words. I can see how smitten you are and I don’t blame you. Everyone would rather be with someone while they grieve than be alone, and Michaela made sure she was right there when you needed her.”
“What pictures?” I ground out, not bothering to point out that everything else she said was false.
“You haven’t seen them?” she said, a hint of derisiveness entering her voice as she tutted. “You’re always so behind on the gossip. The Daily Mail has posted photos of the two of you swanning around town on their website today. Speculation has been rife about who the mysterious brunette on your arm is.” Diana sounded bitter now, and suddenly it all fell into place. She’d seen some paparazzi photos and gotten jealous.
“You just couldn’t help yourself,” I said, my voice laced with disgust.
“Don’t be mad at me, baby,” Diana cajoled, softening her tone. “I’m your first love. You never forget your first, and I’ll be your last. I know you, James. No other woman will ever know you like I do. I know what you need and I can give it to you. Stop playing this game and come back to me.”
She was deluded. “I am never coming back to you,” I growled. “And certainly not after what you’ve done. In fact, I never want to see your face again.” With that I hung up, tossing my phone across the room.
This was such a bloody disaster and I needed to figure out a way to fix it. I needed to talk to Michaela and convince her that Diana had put lies in her head. Lies intended to crush this amazing, pure, beautiful thing we’d started together.
***
I called her phone several times but got no answer. I left voicemails and texts, asking her to hear me out. I wanted to talk to her in person and I berated myself for not expecting this to happen. I should’ve known. Diana wasn’t the sort of woman to back off easily, I just hadn’t expected her to play so dirty.
Desperate, I went to Michaela’s flat, but nobody answered the door. I couldn’t tell if she was in there and avoiding me, or if no one was actually home. I just needed to talk to her, but it felt like she’d disappeared into thin air. I even called Leanne, knowing she and Michaela were close. Unfortunately, she hadn’t seen her. I told her all that had happened. She sympathised, calling Diana a few choice words and promising she’d let me know if she got hold of Michaela.
Finally, I drove to my dad’s house. He sat in the living room, watching the evening soaps. Mum had always loved Eastenders and Coronation Street, and I think he watched them now to feel closer to her.
“Hi, Dad,” I said, my agitation evident.
“Evening,” he answered, eyeing me warily as I sat down next to him. I stared unseeingly at the television screen for a long time before Dad broke the quiet. “You look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, son.”
I turned to him now. I didn’t want to lay my problems on him. He had enough of his own to deal with, but it all came tumbling out of me anyway. I couldn’t hold it back. Dad was a quiet, thoughtful man. Everyone said that of all his kids, I was most like him, both in looks and in personality. Mum was the lively one, the loud one, the one who was always laughing and joking, filling the house with noise. She was rarely seen without a smile on her face. She brought my dad out of himself. Her vivaciousness tempered his stoicism.
I told him about how unhappy I’d been with Diana, but that I’d been numb to it until Mum’s death tore me open and showed me everything that was missing in our relationship. I told him about the medication I’d kept secret from everyone, like it was something to be ashamed of. I told him how Michaela’s gentle, caring presence brought me back to life, how I felt a galaxy of emotion when I was around her, whereas with Diana, I’d merely been existing. And finally, I told him how Diana convinced Michaela she’d taken advantage of me in my time of grief, tearing apart the tentative beginnings we’d made.
Dad listened quietly, never interrupting me once. Then, when I fell silent, he spoke. “It sounds to me like you’re in love with this girl, James.” His words and keen observation made the feeling real somehow. I wasn’t just falling for her. I was in love with her. It was obvious to me now. Why else would I have the worst panic attack of my life at the thought of losing her?
“Did you know,” Dad went on, “that when I went away to join the army, I broke up with your mother.”
“I didn’t know that,” I responded quietly.
“I loved her, but I didn’t want her to waste years of her life waiting around for me to come back. So I told her that.”
“And what did she say?”
He gave a soft chuckle, like it was a fond memory. “She told me to quit trying to fall on my sword, and that when you love someone, you make it work. Michaela thinks she’s doing the right thing with this separation, the same way I thought I was doing the right thing by breaking up with your mum. But like most things in life, your mum was right. When you love someone, you make it work.”
I stared at my father, my pulse spiking as I looked into his wise brown eyes. “You think Michaela loves me?”
He let a long breath, his expression full of care. “You’re so much like me in many ways, James. You keep your emotions locked in here,” he said, patting his chest. “But you have to lay all your cards out, tell her how you feel. Once you convince her of that, she’ll come back to you.” Dad shocked me when he reached out and pulled me into a tight, fatherly hug. “Your mother is gone. She was my everything, but now I live for my kids. I want to see all of you happy, James. I’ve only seen you with Michaela once, but I know for sure in all the years you were together, I never saw you look at Diana the same way you look at that girl.”
Dad’s words bolstered me. I felt renewed. Like I suddenly knew what I needed to do to get her back. Now I just had to find the right words to express exactly how much she meant to me.