Chapter 4

Measuring Your Self-Esteem

In This Chapter

Seeing what healthy self-esteem looks like

Pinpointing your level of self-esteem

Considering your personal strengths and weaknesses

Understanding the stages of making changes in your life

Your sense of self-esteem is a mind-set that you hold within yourself about who you truly are. It affects every part of your life. In order to get the most from your life, your self-esteem needs to be strong enough to enable you to do what you want and be the person you desire to be.

Before we begin to explore the various ways to develop your self-esteem, it’s important for you to assess exactly where your sense of self-esteem is right now and to understand the mechanism of change. In this chapter, you do a number of exercises to examine your life up to this point and determine the degree of self-respect you have at this time. Then you find out about the four stages of change and get tips for going through these stages most successfully.

Identifying the Indicators of Self-Esteem

Everyone’s self-esteem has been shaken by one experience or another. Unfortunately, you can’t just wake up one morning to find that your sense of self-worth has skyrocketed overnight. You have to work on yourself daily so that having healthy self-esteem becomes natural and comfortable. By understanding where your sense of self-regard is already healthy and where it needs some improvement, you’ll be much better able to focus on the areas that need work.

In the following exercises, you concentrate on several indicators of self-esteem:

Success: People with healthy self-esteem are eager to imagine a wonderful future and take the steps to achieve that future. Setting goals and reaching them come naturally. Because they have so much confidence, they find it easy to reach out, learn new skills, and stand strong to follow their aspirations.
Competence: Along with success, competence is taken for granted. Those with strong self-esteem know they have talents and skills they can use in their work and for pleasure. They can ask for help and accept help from others. If they’re unfamiliar with something, they speak up and let others know and/or research until they find the answer. Although they listen to suggestions from others, they maintain their power and decide on their own how to act. Even if they’re criticized, they evaluate what is said and come to their own conclusions.
Self-love: You can’t go around with negative thoughts about yourself all the time and have a strong sense of self-worth. Those with a healthy sense of regard replace demeaning thoughts about themselves with constructive ones that build their self-confidence. In addition, they are adept at graciously accepting compliments. They know they can do things well, so they are happy to hear others acknowledge this, and they allow themselves to feel good about this recognition.
Appearance: People with a healthy degree of self-esteem appreciate their appearance, even if they’re not what would commonly be considered good-looking. They take pride in their appearance and do their best to be clean and appropriately dressed.
Relationships: Those with strong self-esteem depend on themselves for their opinions rather than others. They don’t worry about the reactions of others, and they can express their opinions with ease. How they feel about themselves is dependent on their own thoughts, not on what others say about them.
Assertiveness: Being served food that is cooked incorrectly or the wrong food in a restaurant can be frustrating. Getting home and finding out that the clothes you just bought don’t fit you as well as you thought can also be annoying. People who have healthy self-regard find it easy to deal with these situations. They’re not shy; they speak up and get their needs attended to.

Considering Your Life As It Is Now

It’s important to measure your current degree of self-esteem because when you understand where you are and how you feel, you can make the right changes. Assessing your self-esteem helps you pinpoint the areas where your self-esteem is strong as well as determine where your self-esteem needs your attention.

We include two separate exercises in this section for you to assess your life and your level of self-esteem now. Before doing these exercises, sit down in a comfortable position where there are no distractions. These exercises don’t take very much time, but you need to focus your attention on them.

In your notebook or on a blank sheet of paper, beginning at the top, write all the significant events of your life from birth until the present. Include such things as starting and ending school, moving to a different location, a sibling being born, turning points in your life, key people who influenced you, jobs you held, and relationships with those closest to you.

When you’re finished, write your answers to these questions:

What repeating patterns do you see?
What positive outcomes can you see in any negative events?
What would you want to do again?
What would you prefer to have avoided?
What were the most important turning points?
What in your life increased your self-esteem?
What in your life decreased your self-esteem?
What were the main events that affected who you are now?

Now review your answers and write a short summary of the factors and experiences that have shaped your self-esteem. Write about how your self-esteem has evolved over the course of your life.

This exercise is a questionnaire about your level of self-esteem. When you select your responses, do so on the basis of how you usually are, not just how you are at this moment in time. To get the most accurate picture, be honest with yourself. Don’t think long and hard about your answers. Just take a few minutes to go through each question one at a time.

You’re probably used to taking tests that ask for the “right answer.” That doesn’t apply here. This isn’t a test; rather, it’s a private assessment to help you discover your level of self-esteem. There are no right or wrong answers.

When you look into the future, your dreams are
1. in the process of coming true.
2. something you rarely think about.
3. never coming true, no matter what you do.
When an item of clothing from a store doesn’t fit you, you generally
1. take it back to the store and exchange it for one that does fit you.
2. cut it up and make something else from it.
3. put it in the back of your closet and never wear it.
Your feelings about yourself when you look in the mirror are
1. satisfaction with the way you look.
2. indifference because you look so average.
3. disgust because you’re so unattractive.
When there are difficult times in your life, your main belief is
1. the bad times are only temporary and that they’ll pass soon.
2. difficulties are natural but they happen to you often.
3. you have the worst luck in the world and things will never change.
When other people in your life tell you what to do, you
1. consider their opinions but don’t always follow them.
2. argue with them and tell them you’re the one who’s right.
3. do what they want you to do because you want to be nice and not ruffle any feathers.
When you receive a compliment, you’re most likely to
1. say, “Thank you. I appreciate it.”
2. look the other way because you feel you don’t deserve it.
3. say, “That’s just a fluke. I’m really not that good.”
When you observe your thoughts about yourself, they’re mostly
1. very confident and helpful. You are upbeat about yourself and have eliminated those thoughts that are critical.
2. somewhat supportive, although you still have many self-defeating thoughts.
3. almost entirely critical and belittling of yourself. These thoughts never seem to stop.
When you are criticized, you
1. value what the other person says and determine whether he is accurate. If so, you make a change. If not, you continue doing things your way.
2. get defensive and criticize the other person in return.
3. take it personally, get upset, and feel you’re worthless.
Your closest relationships are with people who
1. nurture you and help increase your self-esteem.
2. What relationships? You stay home and play video games or watch TV most of the time.
3. take advantage of you.
When you think about your career,
1. you’re excited about it and feel you can be very successful.
2. you’re mainly going through the motions.
3. you have a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach that nothing will work out and you may very well end up poor.
When it comes to expressing yourself and communicating your thoughts and feelings about issues, you
1. do so easily.
2. do so on occasion with your best friends.
3. don’t do it at all if they’re different from what the others in the group think.
When you don’t understand something, you
1. speak up and ask someone who does know, or you do research to understand the topic more fully.
2. ignore it and hope that someone else understands it better than you.
3. find it difficult to admit that you don’t understand it and actually feel you’re not very smart because of it.
When you’re in social situations, you
1. can easily converse with anyone you choose.
2. can talk only to people you already know.
3. clam up and stay in the corner by yourself.
When you have a decision to make, you
1. consider all the possibilities, ask for input from others, and make the best decision you can.
2. choose one option quickly because you don’t want to think about it very much.
3. ask others for their advice and do what they think is best.
When you think about your life and achievements, you
1. feel very happy about them.
2. try to stop thinking about them because they’re not as great as you’d like.
3. feel depressed because your life isn’t going well at all and you’re not achieving anything, only living day to day.

After you’ve noted the most accurate answer to each question, score your answers to find out your level of self-esteem. Give yourself 3 points for each first answer you chose (a), 2 points for each second answer (b), and 1 point for each third answer (c).

If you scored between 15 and 29 points, your self-esteem is fairly low. You most likely find that you think of yourself poorly and are having difficulty reaching your personal goals and being happy and satisfied with your life. This book gives you many skills so you can develop your self-esteem and make it stronger and more positive.
If you scored between 30 and 37 points, you have some sense of self-worth. However, you need to make some changes in order to improve your self-esteem and achieve the life you’ve dreamed of.
If you scored between 38 and 45 points, you are well on your way to having healthy self-esteem. You feel confident in yourself and feel you can accomplish whatever goals you have in life. In this book, you discover more techniques that can sharpen your sense of self-respect and help you become even more self-assured.

Creating a Personal Profile

Most of us tend to be stronger and more confident in some areas of our lives than in others. You may have a greater sense of self-worth at your workplace accomplishing your job and relating to your coworkers but find that it’s much more difficult speaking with strangers in social situations. Or you may find you can easily speak up and express differing opinions when you’re with your friends, but it’s impossible for you to tell a waiter that your soup is cold.

In this section, you write a summary of your strengths and weaknesses. Consider how each one works for you and against you. After you see how each aspect of who you are adds or takes away from you, you can work toward designing your new identity.

Seeing your strengths

Your strengths are the areas of your life where you already have a strong sense of self-esteem. You truly like yourself and acknowledge what you’re good at. These are the areas you can build on and in which you can increase your self-regard even further.

Review both the timeline of significant events in your life and the questionnaire. In your notebook, write down the most noteworthy events relating to your self-esteem and the areas in your life where you marked the first answer in the questionnaire. These are the specific spheres where you can pat yourself on the back, accept compliments for your accomplishments, and continue to achieve.

Seeing your weaknesses

Your weaknesses involve the areas in which you need the most work. They’re the areas you avoid; they cause you to think the most belittling thoughts about yourself.

Write down those events from the exercises in the previous section that were most devastating to your self-esteem. Also note those areas of your life in which you marked the third answer in the questionnaire. These are the areas you need to concentrate on most intensely. Look at the different chapters of this book and identify the ones that are most helpful to you in addressing these specific areas.

One more thing. We suggest that you take this questionnaire again in the future. Wait perhaps six months, then another six months. Notice the changes in your answers as well as the changes that have taken place in your life.

Making a Commitment to Transform

Now is the best time to get started in transforming your life. Your self-esteem can change if you focus on what we show you, do the exercises in this book, and have the confidence that things can improve. You can change for the better!

Being passionate about becoming the person you desire to be includes changing your attitude, increasing positive thoughts about yourself, and eliminating those pesky negative ones. It means nurturing yourself and being kind to yourself. It means standing up for yourself and expressing your thoughts and feelings. How are people supposed to know what you want and need if you don’t tell them? They can’t read your mind, so expressing how you see things and what you want and need are the most effective ways to inform others about you.

Make a commitment to be focused on your growth, to do the things you need in order to make your self-worth stronger, and to take the next step in your journey to healthier self-esteem.

Developing the Power to Make Changes

You’ve decided to take the bull by the horns and actually make those necessary changes to transform your life. You realize that you need to change. You can see that your life will improve dramatically if you make the needed changes.

So how does change happen most effectively? There are four stages of change that will help you make the transition to having higher self-esteem. They follow one after the other, although sometimes they overlap. The following four sections outline those stages.

Recognizing that you need to change

In this first stage of change, you have not yet formed your new identity. Creating a new identity can be very frightening because although you accept and admit that you need to change, you’re in the process of dissipating your old identity. Even though you know it’s not working for you, having low self-regard is comfortable and making the needed changes is still uncomfortable.

Here are some tips for getting through this stage:

Realize that it’s time to take this important step in your life. Be willing to do whatever it takes to increase your self-esteem.
Rather than being worried about what is going to take place in the future, focus on what is happening in the present moment.
Give yourself permission to mourn the passing of your old self. Experience these feelings; then allow them to fade away. At the same time, recognize that it’s time to create your new self.

Imagining being different

In the second stage, you begin to concentrate on your new personality. You visualize and sense what it’s like to start to feel and act as though you have healthier self-esteem. You can see yourself developing the characteristics of this new personality.

You may feel the urge to make changes with your body or home, such as buying new clothes or painting a room. This is perfectly natural, so go ahead and do it!

There are several ways you can use your imagination to visualize the person you desire to be:

Daydream about how you’ll feel when your self-esteem is completely developed and you can easily accomplish what you want and live your life fully.
Use the guided visualizations in this book often to take you on inner journeys to help you acquire the characteristics you desire.
Create a collage of pictures, words, and phrases that represent having healthy self-esteem. Look through magazines to find images and text that reflect the new you, cut them out, and paste them on poster board you can purchase from department stores or art supply stores. Put your collage up where you can see it often, perhaps in the hallway or on your dresser — anywhere you pass frequently and are likely to take notice of the concepts and images.

Taking action

After visualizing what it takes to have a stronger sense of self-worth, you’re ready to enter the next stage, which is taking those actions that lead you in that direction. Start with small steps first. Keep in mind that you may try and stumble, and things may not go smoothly at first. But realize that this is normal. You must be persistent and continue to take steps to increase your self-esteem.

Some things that can help you succeed in this stage include the following:

Continue to visualize and daydream in order to keep in contact with who you are becoming. Spend time by yourself thinking about the benefits of having healthier self-esteem.
Expect that you’ll make mistakes and won’t be perfect every time. But do eliminate those thoughts in your mind that you’re a failure and weren’t meant to improve your sense of self-worth and replace them with confidence that you’re on the right path.
Keep working on it. It takes time and effort to make these changes. If one technique doesn’t work well for you, try another one. Keep being persistent and determined. Eventually, you’ll find what works best for you.

Maintaining your new identity

Over time and with practice, you’ll find that having healthier self-esteem is easy. In fact, you’ll discover that it feels natural. You’ll have honed the techniques we present, and being self-assured will seem simple and comfortable.

The following strategies can help you sustain this stage:

Take time to feel gratitude for making the needed changes.
Congratulate yourself and take deep pleasure in having made this transition. Give yourself some special treat, such as going to a play or taking a much-needed vacation.
There’s a chance that you’ll relapse into being that person you were before with low self-esteem. If this happens, think about what happened and why you did what you did, and then turn it around as quickly as you can. Even if you have to stop what you’re doing mid-action or stop in mid-sentence when you’re talking with someone, do so!

Even if it’s a bit scary, it’s time for a change! Becoming stronger and more self-confident is something that can be mastered. You’re capable of living your life in a whole new way and re-creating yourself. You can push through and learn to think in a different manner by seeing greatness in yourself. You can learn to appreciate your talents, skills, and capabilities. You can find that person with healthier self-esteem within yourself, no matter who you are or where you start from.