Chapter 7

Creating a Healthy Body Image

In This Chapter

Examining what body image means

Seeing how body image is formed at a young age

Considering how businesses make you feel bad about your body

Relating to your body in a healthy manner

Okay, ladies, tell the truth. You’ve looked in the mirror and thought you looked too fat, or you’ve looked in the mirror and thought you needed to put on weight. You’ve emphasized that flaw on your face — a mole is in the wrong place; your nose is too large; your lips are too small. Or you don’t want to look in the mirror at all because it’s too tough on your emotions. You put yourself down, so you certainly don’t want to see yourself any more than you have to.

And men, you do the same thing. Your shoulders aren’t broad enough; you’re too short; your stomach is starting to be a pouch. When you look at your face, you think it’s not manly enough, your jaw isn’t strong enough, or you have sagging jowls. Even though you hate to admit it, you’re concerned about your appearance just like women are.

Body image is something almost everyone has to contend with. And as we get older, our bodies change and become even more of a challenge.

This chapter helps you understand what body image means. We look at how businesses make you feel as though your body isn’t good enough in order to sell you their products. Then we discuss ways to reconnect with your body and personality so you enjoy and take pride in both.

Pinning Down What Body Image Means

You may think that your body image is related to what your body actually looks like. But it’s not. It has more to do with your personal relationship with your body — how you think about it, how you feel about your body, and what your beliefs are about what is good-looking.

In this section, we look at the various ways people relate to their bodies, first in an unhealthy way and then in a healthy way. It is possible to feel good about yourself and to love your body.

The way you see yourself

Your body image is directly related to how you see your body in your mind’s eye. It’s not what is physically true; it’s what takes place in your mind that’s important. Consider this: Almost all women overestimate their body size, and about half of underweight women consider themselves to be overweight.

Having a perfect body is a myth, but many people see an image in their mind and that’s what they strive for. They’re so engrossed in becoming this image that they spend excessive amounts of time trying to change their appearance. Some people even put their lives on hold. They think, “I’ll do such-and-such when I finally look the way I want to.” They miss out on life for years because they’re waiting to have that ideal body.

If, instead, you see your body as the outer form that holds within it the marvelous personality that is you, your mind’s eye will hold a different picture. You can become a stronger, more confident version of yourself, and your body will reflect this.

The way you feel about your body

If you’re dissatisfied with your body, your poor body image will lead to a feeling of general unhappiness in your life. If you try over and over again to change your body, disappointment and frustration are sure to follow.

For a healthy body image, you don’t have to enjoy every little part of your body. It’s important though to like your body overall. In addition to how your body looks, you can appreciate how your body functions. If you can walk, run, move, and accomplish tasks, you can appreciate your functional body that serves you in many amazing ways.

The thoughts you have about your body

People typically engage in negative self-talk about their body. Have you ever thought something like the following?

I’m so fat!
I have to start losing weight now.
I need to work out harder.
My mouth looks terrible.
I need to fix (whatever you don’t like).
I’m so skinny, it seems like I’ll blow away.
I’m such a shorty, no one will ever go out with me.
My eyes are too close (or too far apart).
My nose is too long (or too short).
I can’t stand my stomach because it sticks out so much.
My hips are so big you can hardly see around them.
I am so ugly! Yuck!

These are the thoughts of a person with a very poor body image. They can lead directly to low self-esteem if you think that your body is the only thing that’s significant. As the frequency of these types of statements increases, the less you value yourself and the more likely you are to take action to solve this “problem.”

If you have a poor body image, every negative comment someone else makes becomes a blow to your sense of self-worth. And every compliment is interpreted as being insincere. You feel you deserve to be rejected by other people, and that your worth is totally tied to how your body looks. Only if you become the “ideal” will others start to accept and respect you. So it makes sense to fixate on your perceived flaws, which inevitably leads to a poor body image and decreased self-esteem.

On the other hand, you can use positive self-talk to tell yourself how very awesome you are. Even if you don’t believe these words literally now, using statements such as these can turn your thinking process around. Try these out:

I’m a strong, confident person and my body shows it!
My body is beautiful (or handsome) in its own unique way.
I love the way I look.
I think my body works in a marvelous way.
I am intelligent, and I intelligently take care of my body.
My body can do so many things, and I’m grateful for everything it can do.
Attractiveness comes in all shapes and sizes, and my body is attractive.
I know that nobody’s physical body is perfect, and I still love my body, even with its imperfections.
I am worthy of love.
I enjoy feeling good about myself.
I choose to be healthy, both inside and out.
I deserve to be treated with love and respect. I treat myself like this, and I treat others like this.

The things you do as a result of your body image

Having a poor body image compels you to go to drastic lengths to make changes. You may try radical diets, starve yourself, exercise several hours a day at the gym, or have cosmetic surgery. But ultimately, these don’t seem to work very well, especially if they’re not accompanied by changing your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs at the same time. And dieting away those extra pounds and having a facelift aren’t a guarantee that your self-esteem will increase. Although others may see you differently, you may not see yourself as being more valuable.

Plastic surgery has been used by many people for the wrong reasons. It can help you feel better about your body, but only if your motivations are healthy. If you have the surgery out of a desire for self-improvement and enjoyment of your body, that’s one thing. But if it’s out of fear, a desire to be approved by others, or pressure from someone in your life, that’s not healthy. Understanding that you are worthwhile whether you have the surgery or not is crucial. In fact, you’re valuable just the way you are.

Other behaviors that commonly accompany a poor body image are inadequate grooming and hiding parts of the body. Interestingly, not looking in the mirror or at store windows to avoid looking at the body and doing the opposite — frequently checking one’s appearance in the mirror and over-grooming — are all activities that belie an attitude of poor body image.

With a healthy body image, you accept yourself as you are and are comfortable and happy with the way you look. You may want to improve, but you do so with an attitude of liking yourself first. Your lifestyle revolves around nourishing eating habits, healthy exercise habits, and positive self-talk that helps you set focused and beneficial goals.

Analyzing How Body Image Is Formed in Your Youth

Think back to your younger years. How closely do the following statements describe your family?

No one exercised.
The car was used even for short trips.
Heavy, fattening food was the usual fare.
No one drank water.
Dessert was served at the end of every dinner.
You were told that something was wrong with your body.
Most activities revolved around food.
Celebrations were based on having sweet foods.
Your family went to restaurants with unlimited buffets.
Your parents complained about not being the right size.
Your siblings and/or parents made fun of your body.
Everyone watched television or was on the computer during most of his free time.

Generally, what you experienced with your family when you were growing up had a direct effect on the thoughts and feelings you had about your body. If your family members had poor health habits, and were obsessed with their bodies and felt disgust toward them, you probably disliked your body too. And if you had positive role models and the people in your family were happy about their bodies, you most likely grew up liking yours as well.

Especially for a girl, body image is influenced heavily by watching her mother. Seeing her mother in front of the mirror or going through the hardship of dieting and making critical comments about herself influences young girls to do the same things. One study found that girls as young as 7 years old mimic their mother when she says how fat she is, how old she is, or how bad she looks.

Keep in mind, however, that the messages you received from your childhood family do not necessarily transfer into later life. Some people who grew up in homes where they got strong negative messages about body image do not carry these same messages into adulthood. They’re happy with their body no matter what it looks like. Conversely, some people whose family didn’t address body image at all are obsessed with what their body looks like as they grow older.

Here’s an exercise to help you identify the body messages you received in your youth. In your notebook, answer the following questions. After you finish answering these questions, write a summary of what messages you got about your body and what it should look like when you were younger and also how these messages affect you today.

When you were growing up, how did you feel about your body?
How did this change or stay the same when you entered school?
How did you feel about your body when you were a teenager?
What did your parents say about their own bodies?
What did your parents say about your body?
When you were a teenager, did you subscribe to magazines? If so, what images did you see in them? What stories were about body image, dieting, cosmetics, and fashion?
Did you diet when you were younger? If so, what was the outcome?
Did you go swimming in the summers? How did you feel about getting in a bathing suit?

Examining How Businesses Convince You to Buy Their Products

Almost all commercial media aimed at women get their advertising revenue from the food, beauty, diet, and fashion industries. Just the diet industry itself is a $33 billion a year commercial enterprise. And, of course, these industries needs customers on a continual basis in order to keep being successful. It’s in their best interest to create a fantasy of what being attractive is. Unfortunately, only 5 percent of the population has the fantasy body they show us.

As we discuss in Chapter 3, the media survives because it makes us believe that we have problems that don’t exist in reality. People in the media business are responsible for urging consumers to adopt limited notions of beauty. They airbrush photographs in magazines and online so that women look smaller and prettier and men look larger and more handsome. They hire professionals to do the models’ hair, makeup, and clothing to make people fit an ideal image in television commercials. Only when you feel bad about your body image will you buy their products in hopes of changing your body to look like the perfect body they tell you is a must. And if you look closely, you’ll see that the media praises some people and insults others.

On top of that, the media links such things as thinness and beauty in women and strength and good looks in men to having a social, happy, and desirable lifestyle. They tell you that you must invest great importance in your body to be valuable — and of course, purchase their products to fix or conceal your numerous imperfections so you can have this enviable lifestyle.

In addition, the media business makes women feel bad about aging. Have you ever noticed when you watch television commercials that older men are always with younger women? Almost none of the women in commercials have gray hair if they’re married, while many men with gray hair are with women with brown or blond hair, indicating the women are younger than they are. And never do you see it the other way around in commercials — a younger man with brown or blond hair married to an older woman with gray hair.

Being older, especially for women, is considered unacceptable in media. Comics make jokes about older women, and gray-haired women are rarely seen in roles that are complimentary or strong. This is another way the media industry makes people — especially women — feel there’s something wrong with them as their bodies naturally age.

For a week, jot down every media message you see about bodies in your notebook, whether it’s on television, the Internet, newspapers, magazines, or elsewhere. Mark whether you believe the message is true or not.

Evaluating Whether You Judge Yourself Accurately

So now you know how poor body images are formed and the damage they do. Negative beliefs about your body can hold you back from what you want out of life. Do you believe that if you’re too overweight, no one will be attracted to you, so there’s no reason to go out or be open to a new relationship? Or that having an unattractive body will keep you from getting that promotion, so you might as well not even put in for it? Or that having some physical flaw will prevent you from starting a new business, marketing yourself as a consultant, or selling your new product, so you’d be wiser to drop any dreams of doing those things?

How accurate are these beliefs? One way to realize that this thinking isn’t based on reality is to think of a person who has what you want but also has a body that is not the ideal. For example, say you believe that being overweight eliminates the possibility of ever finding true love. Think about a friend who is overweight and has been married for over 20 years or a successful person at work who’s overweight and just recently started a new relationship.

Imagine that what you don’t like about your body isn’t keeping you from what you want. Visualize getting exactly what you want out of life with the body you have at this time. You may choose to make changes to make you healthier, but you don’t need to make changes to be happier. It’s your personality, your inner magnificence, that will attract the life that you want.

Reconnecting with Your Body

You don’t need to continue to dislike your body. You can pivot and turn another direction. In this section, we introduce you to several techniques you can use to relate more deeply and more constructively with your body. Feeling a stronger attachment to the body you have now can lead you to take the steps to improve it, if you desire. Or if you prefer to appreciate your body as it is, that will also lead to having healthier self-esteem.

Stopping the comparisons with others

When you believe that you come up short as you look at other people’s body types, certain parts of their bodies, or their clothes, or even look to see whether they seem more confident or happier than you, you’ve entered into a form of self-loathing. You belittle yourself because you don’t measure up. Of course, this comparing doesn’t happen just with people you see in person. It may occur when you look at models, movie stars, sports stars, and bodybuilders too.

It’s better to recognize that every person is unique, and the differences we have make us distinctive. And believe it or not, the flaws you see in yourself that you think are so important are generally not even noticeable to other people.

Most people look average, so wishing you had someone else’s body, someone else’s face, or someone else’s physique is a waste of time. It’s healthier to feel comfortable in your own skin, to observe and appreciate others without comparing yourself with them and putting yourself down.

I (coauthor Vivian) inherited thick, wavy dark hair from both of my parents. I’ve received many compliments about my hair, and I’ve even had people stroke my hair in admiration. I’ve observed that most of the people who’ve complimented my hair have had straight, thin hair. They would love to have hair like mine. But you know what? When I was a teenager, all I wanted was straight, blond hair. I worked as a carhop at a drive-in, and the carhop who made the most tips was a girl who was a senior in high school (I was two years younger) who was pretty with straight, blond hair. Boys from her class would come to the drive-in and leave her very large tips, and I got much less. I figured it must be her hair. One day, I accompanied my mother to the beauty parlor and tried on several wigs of straight, blond hair. I looked absolutely terrible! With my olive complexion and dark eyebrows, there was no match at all. I gave up the idea of having blond hair during that visit, and I’ve never wanted it again. Ever since then, I have loved my thick, wavy dark hair.

Eliminating concentrating on a negative body image

Changing your attention from a negative body image to a positive one makes an enormous difference in your life. Seeing your body in a positive, affirming, and accepting way frees you from remaining unhappy and stuck.

Here’s the fastest and most efficient way to change from having a negative to a positive body image: When you notice you’re giving attention to any of the thoughts, feelings, or actions on the left side of the following chart, immediately and consciously replace them with those on the right side.

Negative Body Image	Positive Body Image
You have a false view of your body.	You have a clear, accurate picture of your body.
You feel uneasy in your body.	You feel relaxed and self-assured in your body.
You allow your inner critic to run rampant in your mind.	You take control of your thoughts and use positive self-talk.
You either obsess over your body and go overboard to improve it, or you feel you don’t deserve to take care of your body and ignore it.	You respect your body and care for it in an intelligent manner.
You feel embarrassed, awkward, and apprehensive about your body.	You feel proud of your unique body.
You believe that others are good-looking and that your body is an indication of individual failure.	You appreciate your body and know that your physical body isn’t as important as your personality and value as a person.

Focusing on what you like about the way you look

Don’t feel guilty about taking pride in your body. And don’t try to hide your body and ignore your physical self because it’s not exactly the way you want it to be. Concentrate on what you like about your body; then imagine expanding that empowering feeling to the rest of yourself. You can have pride in your body by recognizing what you appreciate and enjoy.

People with healthy self-esteem and a healthy body image don’t believe they’re the best-looking people around. Instead, they recognize their physical flaws, but at the same time, they place their attention on what they like about the way they look.

It’s important to eat correctly and exercise enough to be physically healthy. In Chapter 6, we look at how to do this in detail.

This exercise prompts you to describe the parts of your body you appreciate. In your notebook, draw a line down the middle of a page. Stand in front of a mirror and look at every part of your body. On the left side of the page, write down each and every part of your body that you like, even if it’s as small as “freckles on the bridge of my nose.” On the right side, record why you like it, such as, “They give my face an interesting coloring and they come from Dad.” Continue to do this for as many parts as you can. When you’re done with your list, read it out loud and announce, “I love [feature from the left side] because [reason from the right side]” while looking at it with fondness. If you have a negative body image, do this exercise at least once a day.

Making the best of your good features

No matter how you look, you can have the attitude that you are attractive. You dress in an attractive way and move in an attractive manner. You feel attractive. Everything about you is attractive. You care about yourself, and others can see that just by looking at you.

Don’t wait until you’re the perfect size to buy that new wardrobe or that new dress or suit. To emphasize your best features, don’t wear drab, plain clothes. Instead, wear bright colors like red, blue, yellow, and green. How about adding some smart pieces to your wardrobe to liven up your clothes? You can enhance your look by wearing nice scarves, jewelry, belts, cufflinks, and shoes.

Too many people slavishly follow the latest fashion trend, no matter what it looks like on them. Your clothes and accessories can be a statement about yourself and who you are. Don’t wear anything that you don’t feel great in. Your goal isn’t to look like stick-thin models or muscular men. Rather, dress in ways that make you feel good about yourself, that fit you now but that are also comfortable and that you enjoy wearing. Don’t try to squeeze into clothes that are too tight or try to camouflage your body by wearing clothes that are too loose.

Making the most of your skin tone

Wearing clothes that flatter your skin color is one way to feel good about your appearance. Take three tests to determine whether you have a cool or warm skin color:

Look at the underside of your arm in the outdoor sun. If your veins are blue tinted, you have a cool skin tone; if your veins are green tinted, you have a warm skin tone.
Hold up gold and silver cloths or jewelry to your face. If silver looks better next to your skin, your skin tone is cool; if gold looks better, your skin tone is warm.
Drape two pieces of cloth around your neck, one pink and one orange. If the pink one complements your skin, your skin tone is cool; if orange is your best color, your skin tone is warm.

Now you’re ready to choose your colors. If your skin tone is cool, choose royal blue, sapphire blue, gray, black, lemon yellow, soft white, purple, pink, and deep emerald green. If your skin tone is warm, choose light yellow, sage green, olive green, dark brown, ivory, camel, red, and orange.

Promoting a healthy and happy lifestyle

You can take an entirely new approach to your body. It’s one where you concentrate on the notion that your most important focal point is on being healthy and happy.

How do you do this? Take these measures:

Realize that your body is not an indicator of your self-worth, so accept yourself for who you are and what you look like right now. Look around you and you’ll see that people are different sizes and shapes. Appreciating the diversity of different bodies is important. Not everyone can be rail thin; in fact, it’s not necessarily healthy. And what if you’re a petite or tall woman? Or a short man? Your body is individual and unique. Instead of hating it and trying to be something different, love and enjoy it.
Change your self-talk. Compliment yourself for what you admire about your body. If you do want to change, use affirmations and positive self-talk to motivate you to do what’s needed.
Eat when you feel hungry and enjoy the foods you eat. Get in touch with your appetite. When are you not hungry? When are you the hungriest? When you’re the hungriest, can you drink more water so you don’t overeat? Get in touch with when you’re halfway full and when you’re full. Stop eating somewhere in between those two. Eat a variety of foods that offer you full nutrition and balance. Choosing foods in a variety of colors helps you get the vitamins and minerals your body needs.
The other day, I (coauthor Vivian) began eating a bowl full of cherries. They just started being in season, and they were so tasty. I ate the entire bowl, so I got another full bowl. I was about halfway through the second bowl when I realized I was full. But because I had the cherries right there in front of me, I continued to eat them until the bowl was empty. My stomach felt heavy and stuffed. I realized then that I should have stopped after one bowl or, at most, 1½ bowls. It was an important insight.
Enjoy some sort of physical activity at least every other day, but make sure you like the type of physical activity that you choose. If you find that following a specific exercise routine keeps your enthusiasm high, by all means do that. But if you discover that you get bored over time or you don’t enjoy the routine any longer, look for various physical activities that you like. Most people find that changing exercises every few weeks or even within the week helps them to stay motivated. And if you enjoy sports, play them often.
Schedule some time to pamper your body. Take a soothing bath, get a massage or facial scrub, dry brush your body with a skin brush, or put good-smelling moisturizing lotion all over your body.
Stand up straight, look straight ahead, walk with a spring in your step, and smile. Be that confident person you want to be.
Develop supportive relationships with your family and friends. Spend time with people who have a positive effect on you, who energize and invigorate you. If one of your family members or friends wants to improve her health too, you can exercise together, swap recipes, have each other over for dinner, and encourage each other in your healthy endeavors.
Show yourself that you’re worthy. Create a beautiful environment at home and at work. Surround yourself with your favorite colors, put fresh flowers with a wonderful fragrance on the table or your desk, play your favorite music, and place lovely artwork on the walls.
Make a list of things you’ve always wanted to do but that you’ve held back on while you were waiting to achieve a perfect body. Start right away to go out and do them!
Realize that all the tips in this list contribute to a healthy lifestyle, no matter what your weight is today. Focus on being healthy overall physically, mentally, emotionally, and in your relationships.

Giving Yourself Credit for Your Entire Personality

If you judge yourself only by your body, you reduce your focus to only the form side of yourself and completely ignore the substance within that form. What about the other parts of your personality? Don’t they matter too?

Real beauty is defined by who you are on the inside — your excitement for life, your concern for others, your joyful personality, and your friendliness toward others. All of these attributes make you who you truly are. They are the real you.

Here’s an interesting fact. Some people whose appearance is the opposite of the “ideal” are very happy, and some who look just like the “ideal” are unhappy. So is it really how perfect your body is that makes you feel good about yourself? Obviously not.

A French term applies here: jolie-laide, which means beautiful-ugly. This word describes people who don’t fit the typical portrayal of beautiful or handsome but who develop into being beautiful or handsome by the way they present themselves, by who they are on the inside.

Pay attention not only to your physical health but also to who you are as a person. You aren’t just your body. You’re so much more!

In your notebook, list at least 15 positive qualities you have outside of your physical body. Here are some topics to get you thinking:

How you relate to family members
How you relate to friends
Volunteer work you do for various organizations
How well you do at your job
What you do well as a parent
Sports you participate in or watch with friends or family
Artistic abilities — painting, sculpting, singing, dancing, acting, and so on
Natural talents and skills you either were born with or developed

These are the qualities that you need to focus on. Carry this list with you and look at it often so you concentrate on these aspects. And develop these characteristics fully to become the person with healthy self-esteem you desire to be.