Chapter 17

Improving Personal Relationships

In This Chapter

arrow Looking at the dynamics of relationships

arrow Figuring out how to interact with family

arrow Developing fulfilling friendships

Your family and friends are likely most important to you. Yet there are times when your relationships with these individuals can be painfully difficult to understand and navigate. In fact, due to the hurt and difficulties that these relationships cause you, it may seem easier to walk away — but you don’t. With 20, 30, or 40-plus years invested, you probably feel like you can’t. But, can you? Should you?

A popular saying points out, “You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family.” With new-age thinking, if the law of attraction, which states that “like attracts like,” is true, even that’s debatable. So what can you do?

We want to help you gain a deeper understanding of relationship dynamics. In this chapter, we share with you strategies on how to successfully navigate difficult moments. We also share how to make a distinction between your issues and those of the people you love.

Understanding Relationship Dynamics

You and every person on the planet have layers of conscious and unconscious experiences. These experiences shape values, attitudes, and idiosyncrasies. The notion that we’re more alike than different proves to be erroneous when we look at this concept more closely.

You’re different. No other person on the planet thinks and responds to stimuli exactly like you do. Neither does anyone else respond to specific stimuli for the same reasons. Even if you and another person share the same interests, it’s for different reasons. The understanding that every person has been uniquely shaped by his experiences and how he interprets those experiences is the foundation for accepting and appreciating relationship dynamics.

Here’s what’s true: At the core, everyone wants to be loved, accepted, and appreciated for who he is and what he does. That’s the strand of commonality that humans share. Hence the reason we work tirelessly to earn the accolades that’ll lead to the euphoria that the fulfillment of these needs creates. Interestingly, we’re so different that love, acceptance, and appreciation even need to be expressed toward us in ways that feed our unique hunger pains for these things. Without them, we can potentially starve.

The realization of our differences is the foundation for understanding relationship dynamics.

Putting your feelings in perspective

Your feelings are important. They drive, inspire, and support you. They alert you to danger and give you a different signal when it’s safe to proceed. They help you express what’s happening inside you, and provide direction when your mind can’t figure out what matters.

With that being said, you may be wondering, “If my feelings are so valuable, why do I have to put them in perspective?” The reason you have to learn how to put your feelings in perspective is that feelings are transient.

Feelings come and go based on your understanding of what’s happening in the moment. In unpleasant situations, most often your first response is reactionary. If you listen and respond to your feelings, you may create a disastrous outcome. For example, imagine your spouse says something about you that makes you angry. You lash back. Before long, the back-and-forth exchange turns into a full-blown argument loaded with hurtful comments.

Having pierced the heart of your loved one, your words can never be extracted from the deep place where they land within him. Your loving relationship becomes a land mine — nearly impossible to navigate without resistance every step of the way.

Put your feelings in perspective to avoid creating unnecessary distress. Here’s a checklist:

  • Be accountable for your behavior.
  • Don’t look for someone to blame; seek to solve the problem.
  • Give yourself time to process your feelings.
  • Be honest with yourself about how you feel.
  • Step back from your emotions and totally release your pride before forging ahead with a response.
  • Seek an unbiased opinion.
  • If you have ill feelings about a person, don’t unnecessarily put yourself in a situation where you have to interact with her until you can resolve your feelings.
  • Set an intention for your meeting.
  • Have the courage to speak your truth.
  • Be compassionate and open to hearing someone else’s truth.

Separating your issues from others’

To help workshop participants better understand the causes of low self-esteem, I (coauthor S. Renee) developed a presentation called “That’s Not My Stuff.” I’ve done several variations to meet the needs of different audiences, but here’s the point of the visual illustration.

Every person who is or has been a part of your life has issues. Those issues manifest themselves in different forms — for example, harsh words that crush you from within, physical abuse that leaves emotional and visual scars, or an inability to be responsible that leads to abandonment. The list is inexhaustible.

You must get this: Mom, Dad, Grandmother, whomever, did the best they could with what was projected onto them. Unfortunately, because they didn’t know what to do with the negative experiences that were given to them, they gave them to you.

remember.eps Because you were young and vulnerable, and lacked the understanding of what was happening, you accepted their stuff and possessed it as your own.

Now that you are older and wiser and have come to understand that others have given you their stuff, you have to identify what you’re still carrying that doesn’t belong to you. When you separate your stuff from other people’s stuff you’ll discover that, in many instances, you’re acting out the pain of others.

exercise.eps It’s difficult to remain cool in heated situations when you’re carrying the pain of the past. That’s why it’s important to identify and release other people’s stuff that, for years, you’ve claimed as your own. When you do so, a more authentic you will come forward. The following six steps help you identify whose stuff you’re carrying and how it’s impacting your life:

  1. Ask yourself these questions and write down the answers:

    What do I love about me? What behaviors don’t fit who I really am and want to be?

  2. Look at your list of behaviors that aren’t in alignment with who you are. Ask yourself:

    What discomfort are they causing me? Am I making others feel uneasy? What is it costing me? What could it cost me?

  3. Identify the people you’ve seen behave like that. Ask:

    The first time I saw them act that way, what did I think of them? What did I say about them?

  4. Think about your life and what you do, intentionally or unintentionally, that counters the love you have or would like to have for yourself.

    Make a list of these learned behaviors and negative emotions.

  5. Compare the lists you created in Steps 3 and 4, and give back what doesn’t belong to you.

    Put each item on the list you created in Step 4 under the name of the person to whom it belongs on the list you made in Step 3.

    Now that you’ve given them back their stuff, you can shred this exercise, knowing that you can move forward without carrying the issues of others.

Improving Your Relationships With Your Family

If you want to successfully navigate family relationship dynamics, you’ll need to sharpen your interpersonal relationship skills. You may often see family as people who will love you unconditionally, but when you hurt or get hurt by a family member, it cuts deeply. The unintentional pain imposed on you or your loved one can take a lifetime to understand and to heal.

To minimize misunderstandings and to prevent broken relationships, we want to help you develop the skills necessary to keep your family relationships intact.

Building relationships with blended and extended family members

The world is rapidly changing. Although this change is being met with resistance by some who want to maintain traditional values, the exposure to an unprecedented amount of information has created new freedoms, which are reshaping how people see themselves, their roles, and their opportunities to participate in a global society.

For many people, this change has opened up a smorgasbord of choices about how to live, love, and experience joy. A big part of the change is a shift in family beliefs and what a family should look like in order to be called a family.

Despite the ongoing increase in divorce rates, multiple marriages, and same-sex marriages or the continuous fight for the same, there remains a perplexity of how to seamlessly integrate one’s exes, children, their children, in-laws, ex-in-laws, and grandparents. If there was only one way to do this well, we’d get rich sharing it with the world.

From coaching clients going through divorces or starting to date, I (coauthor S. Renee) have learned that broken commitments often come with anger, revenge, and conflict. Decisions have to be made that impact many people, including children. When you’re experiencing those emotions, it’s difficult to see yourself and everyone who is being impacted by your behavior.

Here’s a list of suggestions that can help you as you and your loved ones work together to create the best environment for yourselves and your families. They apply to dealing with exes and new companions or partners. We call them the “ten B’s”.

Keep the following tips in mind when dealing with exes:

  • Be respectful. When deep hurt and unresolved pain have flooded your relationship, you can become vindictive and tempers can flair over irrelevant issues. These reactions can cause innocent people and your relationships with them irrevocable harm. Regardless of whether you agree or disagree with your ex’s choices, unless they’re harmful to your child or you, respect them.
  • Be considerate. Show common courtesy when interacting with your ex and her new family. For example, speak to everyone when you walk into the room, call if you’re going to be late picking up your child, and don’t invite yourself into her home when you know you’re not welcome.
  • Be rational. Your ex’s parents and family will want to spend time with your child, so let them. You and your child need that experience for their healthy development.
  • Be supportive. There’s no way around it: If you have a child together, you’ll have to support your ex to help support your child. To ensure that your child maintains a healthy outlook, this means you’ll have to care even when you don’t want to.

    To minimize conflict with a new companion and maximize your efforts with your ex, have open, honest communication with your companion. Come to an agreement on how you’ll handle situations. If you take it upon yourself to do whatever you want, your companion will feel you’re sharing secrets with your ex, which is not a good thing.

  • Be loving. This is probably the farthest thing from your mind right now. As you let go of resentment and heal past pains, you’ll discover how to love your ex despite her past transgressions and shortcomings — and she’ll do the same for you.

As time goes by, you’ll learn to do what you couldn’t do in your marriage — understand who the person is and how to work with her. While you’re trying to keep peace with your ex and work for the good of that relationship, make sure you’re satisfying the needs of your new companion. Feelings of insecurity come into a relationship when someone is saying, “My needs aren’t being met.”

Consider these tips for relating to a new companion:

  • Be fair. The scales are unbalanced when you’ve spent ten years with your child and two years with your stepchild. The feelings you have for someone you’ve just met and know little about can’t compete with your feelings for people you’ve known for years. Don’t try to feel something that isn’t there: You’ll only frustrate yourself. Simply be fair to the child. Treat him the way you want your child to be treated when he’s with your ex’s new companion. Most importantly, let the relationship evolve naturally.
  • Be open. Your mate comes as a package that includes her ex, children, parents, siblings, and so on. You and your mate can’t live in an isolated world: Family members need one another. Be open to all the people in your companion’s life.
  • Be participatory. Every family has a culture. You’re not going to change that. Pay attention and understand the makeup and how your mate’s family culture is structured and run. Don’t resist; join in and enjoy. Teach your child to do the same.
  • Be cooperative. There are times when families have to come together to share a special day, such as confirmations in the church, graduations, college visits, or weddings. These situations don’t have to be chaotic. As the newcomer, you may feel like an outsider, but be cooperative and flexible. When you decided to love your mate, this was one of the countless experiences you signed up for.

    warning.eps If you decide on a mate with a child and you don’t have any children of your own, there may be times when a special event for you and a special event for your mate’s child will fall on the same day. Your loved one will be torn. Your decision to become a member of a blended family included these types of conflicts. Find the place in your heart to have compassion and understanding — no one should have to choose between you and her child.

  • Be patient. It may sometimes feel like the ex has the upper hand as she mingles with family and friends while you’re trying to establish your relationship with the family. Change is a process and building relationships takes time. You can’t wipe away 10, 20, or 30-plus years of joy, pain, and growing together, so don’t try. Be patient and just flow with it: Your time will come.

Dealing with difficult family members

Some people have a way of bringing out the best in you — or the worst. Some people would recommend that you run as fast as you can to get away from the latter, but what happens when they’re family? Is the gate locked with no way of escape?

Some family members’ behaviors seem intolerable. There are others whose behaviors really are out of control. Either way, it can wreak havoc on your life and emotional well-being. At what point is it okay to cut these people off and never have to deal with them ever again?

Unfortunately, we can’t tell you if and when you should walk away from a family member because only you know your level of understanding, patience, and tolerance for a particular behavior. Additionally, there are so many layers to family relationship dynamics that if anyone tells you what to do, we advise you to run from that person because it’s your life and your decision.

What we would like to offer you here is a three-step strategy to help preserve your sanity while you interact with difficult family members:

  1. Live according to how you want people to respect you.

    Your family knows you beyond your image; they treat and respect you according to how you live daily. Nothing will make your family respect you more than you establishing your expectations by living your values. By doing so, you let them know in advance what you like and don’t like and how far to go with you. The majority of your family members will follow your lead.

  2. Immediately address any transgression.

    If others don’t see the line of respect, show it to them. Don’t let them even put their longest toe at the tip of the line. If you do, they’ll start pushing buttons just to see which ones work. Draw a line in the sand, and firmly and unapologetically let these people know that their behavior will not be tolerated under any circumstances.

  3. Show repeat offenders the door.

    If you don’t set the standard in the beginning, you’ll have to fight to get your power back because some people inevitably say, “You can’t tell me what to do.” This typically happens when they suffer minor consequences, if any, for past infractions. In this situation, you have to put your foot down and let them know that this is the last time you’ll tolerate that behavior. If it happens again, they’ll no longer be invited to share time with you until they can respect you and your space.

remember.eps We don’t advise that you say, “I don’t ever want to see you again” or “I can’t stand you.” These types of words and behaviors negatively impact you and the other person while destroying the relationship. You’ll maintain respect and order if you address the behavior instead of criticizing the person.

Detecting Where You Fit within Your Friendships

In this age of social media and text messaging, acronyms are the latest craze. BFF is used to express the status of a special friend in your life. It means “best friend forever.” Is it just cute and sexy, or does BFF have real meaning?

Perhaps adding BFF to a status update means nothing, but when it comes to interacting with your so-called best friend forever, grandstanding may not be as easy as you expect. To determine whether “#BFF” is more than a way to spread a message about how important you are in a variety of platforms, ask yourself the following:

  • Does your friend accept you for who you are?
  • Is your friend actively supportive of what you want to do?
  • Does your friend encourage you when you’re down?
  • Does your friend share equally in maintaining the relationship?
  • Can you depend on your friend?

If you answered yes to those five questions, then you have more than a social cyber friend.

Creating deeper connections

Over time you’ve come to trust your friend. If you spend a lot of time with your friend, more than likely there have been moments that have made you wonder whether this person is truly your friend. That’s the nature of relationships — having moments of doubt and concern about behaviors that make you secretly call them crazy.

The fact that you’re still in the relationship indicates that you’re getting satisfaction from the friendship and, overall, the good outweighs the bad. You also understand that perfect friendships don’t exist, and you believe that regardless of what happens, your friend has your best interests at heart.

If you want to develop deeper connections with your friend, you have to invest time to build trust and a greater appreciation for who your friend is and who she’s evolving into.

Consider the following to develop the richness of the relationship:

  • Take a mutually enjoyable trip together.
  • Have transparent conversations about your hopes, dreams, and fears.
  • Commit to communicating regularly.
  • Ask, “How can I best support you?”
  • Give unselfishly and keep secrets loyally.

Overcoming disagreements and hurt feelings

Friendship should be a place of safety, refuge, laughter, and complete authentic freedom. You may have some friends that you never disagree with, whereas moments with others may cause you to pause and ask yourself, “Why are we friends?” More than likely they passed the BFF test we talk about earlier in this section.

Their presence in your life is evidence that you’re willing to accept them as they are — or at least work with them. To do so, you need to build the skills necessary to understand and work through difficult moments that cause hurt feelings.

remember.eps When people express themselves in a wrongful manner, it’s due to a level of disrespect and a lack of appreciation. This issue must be addressed.

The information that follows should be viewed holistically to best help you work through disappointing moments and hurt feelings:

  • Be aware of what’s happening in your friend’s life. There are times when a situation in a person’s life can cause him to be more temperamental than usual. If you’re aware of this, give your friend the opportunity to talk about it without being interrupted or hearing your opinion. If you’re not aware of any concerns say, “You don’t seem like yourself. Is something bothering you?”
  • Understand your friend’s personality and internal issues. You likely have a lot of information about your friend that can help you understand what drives him and why he thinks and acts the way he does. Take this into account when disagreements come. Most often, what was said or done comes from a place where your friend is experiencing pain, and it has nothing to do with you.
  • Share your concerns. Understanding your friend doesn’t resolve your hurt feelings. You should never feel that you have to choose between your feelings and any relationship — both are important and should be satisfied. Be transparent and tell your friend what hurt you and why. Be clear so that she understands the lines that were crossed and how it made you feel. If she values you and your friendship, she’ll apologize. When she does, forgive her and move on.

Most often you’ll know when you’ve done something wrong. When you do, go to the person and apologize. Friendship isn’t about competition or who’s right; friendship is knowing that regardless of what state you find yourself in, there’s someone in the world who has your back.

Assessing the value of personal friendships

You probably have many people in your life. Out of literally thousands, you may have a handful of personal friends and perhaps a smaller inner circle of genuine friends. Who are your friends? Do you categorize them? If not, should you?

You can’t tell everyone everything. People can’t handle it, nor do they want to. Others will teach you what they can handle and what is of interest to them. Therefore, it’s important that you listen and know with whom you can safely share specific information, without risking inaccurate conclusions being drawn about you or ill feelings developing between you and the other person. Wrong conclusions and bad feelings can cost you valuable relationships.

The following criteria characterize different levels of friendship — inner-circle friends, outer-circle friends, and acquaintances — to help you put your friendships in perspective.

  • Inner-circle friends:
    • There’s an even exchange of sharing confidential information.
    • There’s a proven record of reliability, and you depend on one another for support in different areas of your lives.
    • You have mutual interests and enjoy sharing in activities.
  • Outer-circle friends:
    • Talking comes easily when you connect. It can be days, months, or years since you last spoke, but the invisible, inexplicable connection is there. This connection can make someone appear to be an inner-circle friend. However, the lack of consistency, reliability, and other failed appearances puts the person outside your inner circle.
    • The interaction and caring between you and your friend is genuine, but core differences keep you from aligning as inner-circle friends.
    • They’re in and out of your life based on what’s happening in their life and yours.
  • Acquaintances:
    • They really aren’t your “friends,” but because you’ve shared some experiences together, you call one another friends; “acquaintance” seems too unfriendly.
    • You see one another on a regular basis because you participate in a program, serve on a board, attend classes together, or live next door to one another. These consistent touch-points give you the feeling that you “know” each other, but, if asked, you would know very little about each other.
    • It’s an unspoken understanding that you have very little in common. Warm pleasantries are exchanged, and personal questions are avoided or asked out of curiosity rather than concern. Detailed conversations are topic-specific.
    • There’s a mutual understanding that asking for something is considered a favor, and at some point the favor must be returned.

exercise.eps Use the preceding criteria to place the names of your friends where they belong. If you have your own standard of categorizing your friends, feel free to use it, or add your personal touch to the guidelines offered here.

Knowing when a friendship isn’t right for you

Maybe you’re struggling with a friend and trying to figure out whether you should excuse yourself from the relationship. The struggle is likely coming from the feeling that either you’re not being treated in a way that you believe you deserve, something is intentionally being done to you that you don’t like, or you’re giving more than what you’re receiving. At the core, your needs aren’t being met in a way that satisfies you.

Take a look at this from two perspectives:

  • Is your friend your teacher? Every person and situation shows up in your life to teach you something about you. Could you be focused on what your friend is or isn’t doing and failing to see what lessons you’re to learn?

    I (coauthor S. Renee) have many clients whose friends’ behavior mirrors their own, yet they hate what they see. Step back for a moment and ask yourself, “What do I dislike the most about my friend? Do I ever do the things that he does? What is this experience meant to teach me?” If this is the case, find ways to increase your confidence and skill set in dealing with your friend. By doing so, you’ll grow as a person and your friendship will take a different turn.

  • Are there compatibility issues? Some people aren’t meant to be in your circle. Although this may be difficult for you to own, you invited them into your life because of your need at the time. Now that your need has been satisfied or the problems the person causes offset the value she brings, you want her out. You don’t have to trigger hard feelings by telling her all the things you don’t like about her; simply scale back the amount of access she has to you and move on with your life. She’ll get the message.

Balancing your old friends with your new future

Your career is forging ahead, but your friend’s life is humdrum. Or, you decide to get married and your friend is still single. Changes in your lifestyle can change your relationship’s dynamics, the quality of your conversation, and common activities that once interested both of you. Can your relationship survive the changes?

Career success doesn’t necessarily denote that you’re outgrowing your friend. And marriage doesn’t mean that you’ll no longer have time for your friend. If your friend becomes jealous, demanding, or insensitive to your new opportunities and the necessary changes to your friendship, then he didn’t prepare for the inevitable.

Career success is a barometer for your hard work, and taking on family responsibilities is a life transition. Friendship is a measurement of acceptance, genuine concern, and consistent support, even if it looks different in the future.