Dr Disastrous headed towards a small meeting room located directly behind the badminton courts, trailed by his number ones and newly produced number twos.
‘Sir, this is our third meeting today. Do you get the feeling that Yuri Boom-Boom is trying to completely take over the running of our joint evil operation?’ Number 1B asked. ‘And why do we have to pledge allegiance to the four past leaders of his failed communist nation each and every day?’
Dr Disastrous glanced disinterestedly at his henchmen. ‘Do I look like I care? I would happily bow to the shiny feet of a margarine Tinky Winky statue if it helped rid the world of Johnny Danger. Personally, I think Yuri is nuttier than a vegan fruitcake, but he’ll have European governments eating out of his hands in a few days, so let’s put up with his freakish weirdness for a bit longer, eh?’
The group entered the crowded room and took their seats near the back row. A moment later, Yuri stepped forward to the speaker’s podium and instructed everyone to rise to their feet as the opening bars of the national anthem of Oobleckhstan began playing drearily over the speakers.
‘Oobleckhstan Oobleckhstan . . . a country there’s no greater than
Our skies are black, our lands are grey . . .
You break the rules – your life shall pay
Oobleckhstan . . .
Oobleckhstan . . .
Our name out-letters Kyrgyzstan . . .’
The crowd reluctantly took their seats again.
Yuri saluted his guests. ‘Comrades, today we are on the cusp of starting a new world order. This new world order will be based on the core values of my beloved Old Country.’ He clicked the mouse and six words appeared on the screen. ‘F stands for Fortitude. A stands for Answerable. R stands for Resourceful. T stands for Tenacious. E stands for Energy. And R stands for Respectful. What does that spell . . .?’
A ginger-headed minion stood up nervously. ‘F.A.R.T.E.R., sir.’
‘Ha ha ha.’ Stifled giggles erupted around the room.
‘When I was ten, I learned these values in a survival test I will never forget. Our village leader sent my father and I deep into bear-infested woods armed with nothing more than frozen fly swatters to protect ourselves. I survived the test, but my father didn’t. Why? Because I respected the six core values and he failed to honour them. I was only a young F.A.R.T.E.R. but I knew I had what it took to be a great F.A.R.T.E.R.’
More giggles echoed up and down the aisles.
Yuri placed his hands on his hips.
‘People, world domination is our biggest test of all. I don’t want any of you to fail and end up like my father – a small pile of frozen bear droppings in the middle of nowhere. I don’t care where you are starting from today, but we can all be successful F.A.R.T.E.R.s if we do it together.’
He flicked his wrist and the group rose to its feet. He then singled out one of his bashful minions.
‘You looking nervous in the front row – what are you?’
‘I’m a shy F.A.R.T.E.R., comrade.’
‘And you who has clumsily spilt coffee down your front.’
‘I am a wet F.A.R.T.E.R., comrade.’
‘At the back, you with the high-pitched voice . . .?’
‘I’m a squeaky F.A.R.T.E.R., comrade.’
Finally, he singled out one of his personal assistants. ‘And you with the permanently upbeat personality?’
‘I’m a bubbly F.A.R.T.E.R., comrade.’
He signalled for everyone to take their seats once more.
Dr Disastrous rolled his eyes and groaned quietly under his breath. ‘Sorry, I can’t take any more of this Siberian self-improvement gibberish. I’m going back to my office to do some real evil work.’
He sidled his way to the rear entrance.
‘Comrade . . .’ Yuri called out coldly.
Dr Disastrous froze.
‘You haven’t said a word so far during my presentation. Please, share your wisdom with the group. Surely you have many inspiring stories that you can motivate us with?’
Dr Disastrous frowned. ‘Sorry, Yuri, but I’m an evil genius who doesn’t say an awful lot. I let my sinister deeds speak for themselves.’
Yuri smiled indulgently at the scowling supervillain. ‘I see, you are an excellent inspiration, Comrade. You are a silent but deadly F.A.R.T.E.R.’
Dr Disastrous stormed out the door to a chorus of sniggers.