Early the next morning, Ryan stood in the corridor outside Carolyn’s apartment, staring at the door. He lifted one hand to knock, then dropped it back to his side, shaking his head.
Taking a deep breath, he let it out slowly, puffing his cheeks, then rapped on the door. After what seemed like an eternity, Carolyn opened the door, an expression of surprise immediately evident on her face.
“Ryan?” Carolyn said. “What are you— I certainly didn’t expect…”
“May I come in?” Ryan interrupted. “Please? I need to talk to you.”
“Well, I…” Carolyn said, feeling the racing tempo of her heart. “Yes, I guess so.”
As Ryan entered the apartment, Carolyn swept her gaze over him, savoring the sight of him, knowing she’d believed she’d never see him again.
Ryan looked awful, totally exhausted, she thought, closing the door. He had, like her, apparently not slept well. A scrutiny of her reflection in the mirror this morning had revealed dark smudges beneath her eyes and the lack of any healthy color on her cheeks. Ryan didn’t appear to be in any better condition than she was.
Ryan waved at Kimiko who was sitting at the table eating his breakfast, then said something in Korean to the little boy. Kimiko smiled, nodded and answered Ryan in a chatter of words that Carolyn didn’t understand.
“Kimiko likes you and you make good eggs,” Ryan said, turning to face Carolyn. “I guess you’ve been forgiven for putting blood on his biscuit.”
“Oh. Well. That’s comforting.” Carolyn wrapped her hands around her elbows. “Why are you here, Ryan? I really don’t think we have anything further to say to each other, do you?”
“I’m so exhausted,” Ryan said, frowning, “I wouldn’t know if there was something halfway intelligent in my muddled mess of a brain to say at this point.”
“Then why are you here?”
“Because of Kimiko,” he said. “He has a frightening ordeal to face, Carolyn, and I can hopefully ease some of his fears because I can communicate with him. I’d like to think that we’re mature adults, can put aside the problems between us and concentrate on Kimiko.”
“We don’t have problems, Ryan,” Carolyn said sharply. “That indicates a glitch in the program, something that can be corrected. Let’s tell it like it is, shall we? There is nothing between us.”
Except hurt, such deep and shattering pain, she thought. She felt the urge to fling herself into Ryan’s arms, turn back the clock to before the devastating scene that had destroyed what they’d had together and kiss him until he couldn’t breathe.
Ryan stared at the floor for a long moment, then met Carolyn’s gaze again.
“Yeah, well, that’s clear enough, isn’t it?” he said, an edge to his voice. “Fine. What I’m asking is if you’re willing to put Kimiko’s needs front row center and allow me to be a part of what he’s going through.”
“Yes, of course. Kimiko is of primary importance. I’d appreciate any assistance you might give to make his ordeal easier. Perhaps you could meet us at the hospital later when I take him for the tests he’s been scheduled for today.”
So cold, stilted, Ryan thought, and Carolyn was now speaking to a spot somewhere beyond his left shoulder, rather than look directly at him. He had the strange sensation that if he reached for her, he’d be able to actually feel the wall she’d built between them.
But then again that wall had always been there. He just hadn’t been aware of it because he’d been so enchanted by Carolyn, so head over heels in…love with her? No, that was nuts. He really did need some sleep because he wasn’t even close to thinking straight.
“What I’m proposing is that I still take Kimiko shopping for clothes this morning instead of his going to the office with you. We can connect with you later at the hospital.”
“He certainly needs clothes. His are clean and mended so carefully, but he has so few things. I have no idea if there are funds available. I just don’t know the details of this program he’s involved in. I’ll need to check to see if there is money to purchase clothes.”
“I’ll buy him whatever he needs. I want to.” He attempted to produce a smile that failed to materialize. “Hey, for all I know he’s a relative of mine. Or whatever. Look, let me buy him some stuff. Okay? I asked Patty to help me out with the shopping because I thought it would do her good.”
Hopefully Patty was better at putting the broken pieces of her life back together than she was, Carolyn thought miserably.
“It’s very thoughtful of you to be thinking of Patty as well as Kimiko. All right. I guess my only concern is that you keep a close eye on Kimiko to be certain that he doesn’t get overtired at the malls.”
“Patty will know what to watch for in that arena. She’s a good mother, a natural mother…like you, Carolyn.”
A sudden burst of laughter escaped from Carolyn’s lips, surprising herself as much as it did Ryan.
“I don’t think they hand out Mother of the Year Awards,” she said, still smiling, “to people who scare the bejeebers out of darling little boys.”
“Oh, that’s right,” Ryan said, matching her smile. “I’m afraid you lose a point or two. I imagine you and I will chuckle about it whenever we’re out together, stop for fast food and put ketchup on our hamburgers. We’ll remember for a long time how Kimiko thought it was…” Ryan’s voice trailed off, and his smile faded. “Well, that was a lame thing to say.”
“Yes, it was.”
“Ah, Carolyn,” Ryan said, lifting one hand toward her face. “I wish…”
“Ryan, don’t,” she whispered, “just don’t. This is difficult enough. We’re concentrating on Kimiko. There’s no purpose to be served by rehashing it. I’d best go see if he’s had enough breakfast.”
Carolyn hurried across the room toward the kitchen area, telling herself that she did not feel a warmth on her cheek from where Ryan’s hand had almost, but not quite, touched her skin. That imagined warmth was not now gaining power, turning into churning heat of desire that was swirling within her. She had not seen a flicker of want and need in the dark depths of Ryan’s eyes, those compelling, mesmerizing eyes of his. No.
Ryan stood where he was, staring at the hand that had come within inches of Carolyn’s cheek.
It was warm, tingling, he thought. It really was. The heat was sweeping up his arm and exploding throughout his body, coiling low, building to a painful ache of desire. Damn it.
This was going to be more difficult than he’d imagined. He’d thought that by concentrating on Kimiko, there wouldn’t be room to dwell on what he had shared with Carolyn, how right and real and wonderful it had felt when he was with her, talking, laughing, making love.
He had to work on forgetting all of that, just remember how sliced and diced he’d been when he’d discovered that Carolyn didn’t trust or believe in him enough to share her innermost secrets. Just remember that she had rejected him, focus on that pain.
But it was so difficult to accept that Carolyn believed that he would reject her because she was hearing impaired. Reject her? Hell, he respected her more than he would ever be able to put into words. She had faced a momentous challenge and won, accomplished her goals, was held in high regard in her chosen field. He was so proud of her, of what she had done, that he was rendered practically speechless with awe.
Maybe he should tell her that. No, what was the point? A great dissertation of compliments on his part wouldn’t erase the bottom-line truth. He wouldn’t even know about Carolyn wearing hearing aids if he hadn’t pushed her for answers.
What they’d had together was over because he’d entered her private space, the distance she was determined to keep between them. Oh, sure, she felt he should divulge the painful memories of the rejection he’d suffered in the past, and she now stood in harsh judgment of him because he refused to do so.
Yes, sir, Ryan Sharpe, just bare your soul to the lady as she was demanding, but don’t expect her to return that gesture in kind. No way. There were very different rules in place for the goose and the gander.
But he’d forced her hand and she didn’t like that, not one little bit. And so it was over. He hadn’t followed the game plan and had been rejected and ejected.
Kimiko ran into the living room, pulling Ryan out of his tormenting thoughts. He swung the little boy up into his arms and tickled his tummy, savoring the sound of the laughter of the innocent.
“Does he have a sweater?” Ryan asked, looking at Carolyn where she stood by the kitchen table.
“No, just a lightweight cotton jacket.”
“That should be okay. It’s supposed to be fairly warm today. Okay, buddy, let’s go. Where should I meet you at the hospital, Carolyn, and how close to eleven o’clock should I have him there?”
They settled on the time and place, Carolyn fetched Kimiko’s jacket, then Ryan took the child’s hand and started toward the door. Kimiko frowned and stopped, looking back at Carolyn.
“Oops,” Ryan said. “I guess he thought you were coming with us.”
“Tell him I’ll see him later.”
Ryan spoke to Kimiko in Korean, but he shook his head and tugged his hand free of Ryan’s to run to Carolyn and wrap his arms around her legs.
“Caro,” Kimiko said.
“This could get dicey,” Ryan said, frowning. “I sure don’t want to drag him out of here kicking and screaming. You’ve won him over big time. Do you have any suggestions?”
“Use the universal code to the way to a male specimen’s center of understanding. Tell him we’ll be together to eat lunch.”
Ryan chuckled. “I’ll give it a try.”
He spoke to Kimiko in Korean, and the little boy released his hold on Carolyn and looked up at her. She nodded, smiled, then leaned down and kissed him on the forehead. Kimiko turned, marched back to Ryan and took his hand.
“Like I said, you’re a natural-born mother.” His smile faded. “Your children will be very lucky little miracles, Carolyn.”
“Thank you.”
Their gazes met, and the distance between them seemed to disappear, despite the expanse of the room that separated them. Hearts began to thunder and heat began to churn within them.
A mist of sensuality encased them, bringing gentle memories of the wondrous hours they’d spent together, what they had shared, how much they had cared. They heard echoes of their laughter, then whispers of the other’s name spoken reverently in passion-laden voices.
They were filled with a combination of the heat of desire plus the warmth of rightness, of being where they belonged—together.
“Ry,” Kimiko said, wiggling Ryan’s hand.
Ryan jerked at the sudden noise, and Carolyn took a sharp breath.
“Right,” Ryan said, his voice sounding strange to his own ears. “We’re outta here, kiddo. See you later, Carolyn.’ Bye.”
Carolyn nodded, unable to speak as she realized she’d been holding her breath during the strange spell that had floated around and through her and Ryan, and had no air left to utter a single sound.
Ryan left the apartment quickly with Kimiko, then Carolyn sank onto a chair, her trembling legs refusing to hold her for another moment.
She wasn’t going to survive this, she thought, pressing one hand to her flushed forehead. The next few days were going to be pure torture while she was in close proximity to Ryan Sharpe.
No, wait, she ordered herself. Get a grip. She’d focus on Ryan’s rejection of her, of how he’d walked out of her apartment and her life without a backward glance or a single word once he learned she was hearing impaired. She’d remember the pain of that rejection, the tears that had flowed unchecked down her face, the sensation of her heart being smashed to smithereens.
“Got it,” she said, getting to her feet and heading toward the kitchen to clean up from preparing Kimiko’s breakfast. “I’m back in control, doing fine.” She sighed. “I hope.”
Several hours later Patty and Ryan sank onto a bench in a pretty little park.
“Oh-h-h, my feet are killing me,” Patty said. “That was quite a shopping marathon. Kimiko is now one of the best-dressed kiddos in Ventura, and I’ll bet you a buck that you’ll have a battle on your hands when you try to get him to take off that new red baseball cap.”
Patty reached over and squeezed Ryan’s hand. “Thank you for inviting me and Tucker to come along with you and Kimiko, Ryan. I actually forgot about my woes for a while.”
“That was the plan, sister mine,” Ryan said, kissing her on the cheek. “Tucker and Kimiko are getting along very well. Boys and a ball. They’re just sitting on the grass rolling it back and forth to each other and that’s obviously major fun.”
“Yep.” Patty paused. “Would you care to tell me why you look as though you’ve been up all night?”
Ryan stretched his legs out in front of him and crossed them at the ankles.
“I just didn’t sleep well,” he said, directing his gaze toward where the boys were sitting on the grass. “It happens to everyone.”
“To everyone who has something heavy on their mind. I’m not so centered on my own problems that I believe I’m the only one who has any. Is something wrong, Ryan?”
“No.” Ryan sighed. “Yes. But it’s not fixable, so there’s no sense in discussing it.”
“It must be about Carolyn St. John,” Patty said, nodding decisively. “I may not have attended the family barbecue, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t hear that you brought a very lovely woman with you to meet the family.”
“Whoa. You’re putting the wrong emphasis on that. I brought Carolyn to the barbecue, and she met everyone there because the socially acceptable thing to do is introduce your date to those in attendance. You’re making it sound as though Carolyn being with me was a big deal.”
“The family thinks it was. Everyone really liked your Carolyn, by the way.”
“She’s not mine,” Ryan said quietly. “I thought…well, I thought that Carolyn and I had something special together, but I was wrong. It turned out to be the same-old, same-old. The only reason I’m still…interacting with her…for the lack of a better word, is because I figured I could help smooth things a bit for Kimiko since I speak Korean. Carolyn and I are done, finished, kaput.”
“Why? What happened?”
Ryan turned his head to look at his sister with a frown. “Gosh, Patty, don’t beat around the bush. Just speak right up and ask me what you want to know.”
“Well, excuse me,” Patty said with an indignant little sniff. “A tad touchy, are we? This is tit for tat. You came to my house and demanded to know what was going on with me, why I had been practically invisible during the holidays, remember?”
“Because I love you, the whole family loves you, and it was apparent that things weren’t as they should be with you. No joke. Man, I’d like to get my hands on that jerk Peter and…”
“We’re not talking about me,” Patty interrupted. “I will now quote the great Ryan Sharpe. I love you, the whole family loves you, and it’s apparent that things aren’t as they should be with you. What went wrong between you and Carolyn St. John?”
“Secrets, Patty,” Ryan said, with a weary sigh. “Peter had his and they destroyed the world you two had created together. Carolyn had hers and…” He shrugged.
“Are you in love with Carolyn St. John, Ryan?” Patty said.
“No. Well, hell, I don’t think I am,” he said, frowning.
“I’ve never been in love, so for all I know I could have missed the message, or the signals, or whatever, regarding how I feel about her. But that’s a moot point, because what I had with Carolyn is over.”
“And your heart hurts,” Patty said quietly. “It actually physically aches because it’s been smashed, shattered, and that’s very painful.”
“Yeah, it is,” he said, his voice husky. “It really is.”
“You wouldn’t be experiencing that pain if you didn’t love Carolyn. Trust me, I know. If I hadn’t believed in my love for Peter and his for me with my entire heart and soul, what he has done wouldn’t be causing me this terrible pain.
“I’d give anything to be blissfully happy with Peter the way we once were. Instead? I’m in the process of getting a divorce, will be a single mother of a two-year-old and will be giving birth to a baby fathered by a man who no longer loves me, nor is he the man I fell in love with. Nothing can change those facts.”
“No, but I might change the shape of Peter’s nose if I see him.”
“My point is,” Patty said, “my situation is etched in stone. Peter is gone, he’s living with another woman, he no longer loves me, nor wants to be a part of my world.
“Oh, Ryan, are you certain you’re not giving up on what you have with Carolyn too easily? So she had a secret, kept something from you. Can’t you work through that, past it? Is her secret like Peter’s? Is there someone else in her life?”
“No, it’s nothing like that,” he said, shaking his head. He paused and ran one hand over the back of his neck as he told Patty about Carolyn’s revelation.
“Back up, here,” Patty said, waving one hand in the air when he finished. “You broke things off with Carolyn. Not because she is hearing impaired but because she didn’t tell you that she is. Do I have this straight?”
“Well…yeah,” Ryan said. “There is no room for secrets in a relationship, Patty. You of all people ought to understand that. If there had really been something special between me and Carolyn, she would have shared her secret long before now.”
“To match up with all your innermost secrets that you’ve shared with her, of course. You know, the difficulties you had because you felt different while you were growing up, a step off the mark, because you’re half-Korean. You told her all of that because it’s part of who you are as a person, a man, but she didn’t reciprocate and tell you about her hearing problem. Do I still have this straight?”
Ryan opened his mouth to reply, then snapped it closed again.
“That’s what I thought,” Patty said, rolling her eyes heavenward. “And don’t give me the spiel about your years of turmoil being personal, belonging only to you. I mean, my gosh, what could be more personal than being hearing impaired since you were a child and having to deal with everything it must have brought into that woman’s life? You are so stubborn and dense sometimes, it’s a crime. Men are such duds.”
“Thanks a helluva lot,” Ryan said, glaring at her.
“You’re welcome,” Patty snapped. “Darn it, Ryan, look at Kimiko. Look at that beautiful little boy. You could have a son like Kimiko, with your unique eyes and beautiful skin and light-up-a-room smile, if you would just listen to your heart for once in your life instead of the voices of your ghosts.”
“I…”
“A dud,” Patty said, getting to her feet. “Definitely a dud. Come on. You’d better take me and Tucker home so Kimiko won’t be late for his tests at the hospital. What you ought to be thinking about, though, is if it’s too late to fix things with the woman you’re in love with, with Carolyn St. John.”