The Very Last Final Countdown.

In which Nate lives through ten seconds that seem like ten lifetimes and experiences yet another of Biffo’s curious distortions.

I still couldn’t understand how the six Nazi bombs had been trapped inside Biffo’s peculiar steam sphere by a mysterious manipulation of magnetic surface tension. However, everyone understood that this curious tension would not hold forever. This was the single fact that the harsh, metallic, voice of the tannoy kept reminding us of, as it continued its relentless countdown towards our doom.

# 10 #

‘There’s still time to abandon ship.’ I said, looking out the furnace door that was open to the S.O.L.E gun and the starry sky outside.

‘Hold your forward positions.’ said DeBlanc, rubbing the zigzag scar on his cheek. ‘Remember, a watched kettle never boils.’

Something fractured beneath us and a huge burst of steam ripped up through the damaged dance floor tossing party hats, red balloons and chunks of parquet flooring into the air. They bounced off Biffo’s quivering sphere and the bombs slid even closer to the floor.

‘Right! That’s it! Time I left.’ I said, heading towards the door.

‘Nate is correct, sir.’ said Captain Wright, addressing Commander DeBlanc directly. ‘It’s time we left. There’s no point in staying here to be blown to pieces. It’s your prerogative if you want to go down with your ship.’

A bullet riddled pipe, on the far wall, fractured with a loud bang and another cloud of steam hissed into the ruined hall.

‘I have been in worse situations than this.’ muttered DeBlanc, still rubbing his cheek. ‘However, scars have the power to remind us of the past and, I must say… on this occasion, Nate may be right. We shall all make haste to the control room. Bring the black box with you Captain Wright.’

# 9 #

As we all hurried through the furnace room, Captain Wright pulled a black attaché case off the wall.

‘Where the bleedin’ ‘ell are you going with the Eye Key?’ shouted Wayne, as everyone ran past. ‘Lummie. Is everyone scarpering for the exits?’

‘We are repairing to the control room.’ said DeBlanc. ‘A strategic withdrawal. You are to remain here with Dwayne until he gets the cover off the S.O.L.E. gun.’

‘Typical innit.’ said Wayne, throwing Captain Wright a clipboard. ‘Ere’s the instructions for the Eye Key box, mate… you’ve got less than ten seconds to read the whole thing.’

‘You’ve done this before.’ said Captain Wright, as the huge brass pistons lifted us, smoothly, towards the luminous roof of the chamber.

‘Just once… with Lolly.’ I said, watching the massive brass wheel above as we rose up to the control room together. Steam hissed from the pipes around us and burst out alarmingly.

# 8 #

‘Hellfire and damnation’ shouted DeBlanc, furiously tapping his tachyscreen as he arrived beside us on the slowly rotating wheel. ‘My handheld has gone on the blink. Captain Wright… what time do you have?’

Captain Wright’s reply was lost among clouds of blue vapour as he disappeared into the tunnel, but the tannoy continued to shriek above the clatter of brass cogs and gears.

# 5 #

‘What happened to seven and six?’ demanded DeBlanc, as he was carried into the dark tunnel. ’Perhaps our number really is up this time.’

‘My difference engines aren’t always one hundred percent accurate.’ said Captain Wright, apologetically.

‘Nate. Where is that posy of mauve carnations you had when you came aboard?’ demanded DeBlanc, as we emerged from the narrow passageway.

‘It’s in my cabin.’ I said, hopping from rising brass piston to gyratory wheel.

‘It seems to have brought us fantastically bad luck.’ he said. ‘Regardless of what Lolly said about its special properties.’

# 7 #

‘Or perhaps fantastially good luck.’ I said, catching a trace of Lolly’s perfume that still lingered in Holon’s tunnel. ‘We seem to be back on track.’

The gliding machinery slid us out on to the upper deck.

‘It’s in here.’ said Captain Wright pushing open a polished wooden door to the control room.

‘I know.’ I said, ‘I’ve…’

‘… been here before with Lolly.’ he said, finishing my sentence.

‘What took you so long?’ demanded Corporal Price, taking the black box from Captain Wright and ripping the lid off. I observed that the case contained two brass cylinders, several thin silver pipes and a huge assortment of peculiarly shaped gold parts.

‘Why have you brought the Eye-Key-A?’ groaned DeBlanc, looking down in dismay at the vast array of pieces. ‘The Eye-Key-B is much easier to assemble.’

‘Don’t worry.’ said Corporal Price, laying out several pieces on the console beside DeBlanc’s Angrec orchid. ‘I can put an Eye-Key-A together in ten seconds… blindfolded.’

So saying, Corporal Price, armourer extraordinaire, set about assembling this fantastic device with the greatest rapidity. Two large brass cylinders, the size and shape of two litre lemonade bottles, made up the body of the contrivance. These two sealed tubes were joined together by a tangle of thin copper pipes that had to be screwed into place at various sockets along their length.

# 6 #

A huge black number six appeared on the large tachyscreen, obscuring the closed circuit picture of the bombs hovering in the great hall.

‘Well at least the main screen is still working,’ said DeBlanc, taking up his position at the helm, ‘and Dwayne has finally got the cover off the S.O.L.E. gun. Events may be turning in our favor after all.’

With smooth efficiency Corporal Price fitted a metal handle, inlaid with dragons, to the bottom of the twin cylinders and attached a, pencil slim, sighting tube to the other side.

‘I have allowed a ten seconds margin for error.’ said DeBlanc, checking on Corporal Price’s progress. ‘What time is it?’

‘All clocks are showing two o’clock.’ said Captain Wright, surveying the many timepieces in the control room. ‘That’s too tight Commander. We need a three hour safety gap.’

‘We must carry out our action.’ said DeBlanc. ‘We are out of time.’

Several other crew joined us in the control room as I listened to the planes buzzing behind us like a swarm of angry hornets.

‘Prepare to fire.’ announced DeBlanc. ‘The enemy are gathering for another assault. Open the forward viewing portal.’

‘This I must see.’ I said. ‘How will that tiny gun be of any use against a whole squadron of planes, especially if they continue to attack from behind?’

‘They have formed an attack formation.’ said DeBlanc, ignoring me. ‘But they hesitate… unsure why their bombs haven’t blown us out of the sky. They observe us from a distance and we observe them... How long now?’

# 5 #

'We have exactly 15 seconds left to lock and load.’ said Captain Wright, consulting his wristwatch. ‘Our 15 seconds of fame.’

‘We shall know when they make their move.’ said Corporal Price, glancing up at the tachyscreen as a hushed silence fell over the control room. Apart from the gentle hiss of steam from the console, the only noise that could be heard was a click, clack, clatter, as he assembled the, ludicrously elaborate, Eye-Key-A.

I sighed with frustration.

‘Daddy always leaves it to the last possible second before taking action.’ sighed Lolly, who was standing beside her father, looking weary. ‘And Biffo’s experimental equipment goes wrong sometimes – well… often, really! Things are always a bit less silky smooth than they should be.’

‘I just have to zero the sights.’ said Corporal Price, adjusting the green crystal eyepiece.

# 4 #

Each second seemed like a lifetime

# 3 #

The universe held its breath.

# 2 #

‘All… done.’ said Corporal Price, holding up the double barreled weapon and cocking it with a final flourish. ‘Locked and loaded.’

The giant tachyscreen turned amber and, without warning, alarm klaxons began to blare.

# 1 #

The control room darkened and, silently, a single white petal fell from DeBlanc’s orchid and drifted down on to the hot plate where it lay wreathed in celestial light.

‘Action Stations.’ shouted DeBlanc into his voice tube. ‘Is the steam on full reverse?’

There was an agonising silence as he waited on a reply from the boiler room.

Another lifetime passed.

‘Yes sir. Full reverse.’ Wayne’s muffled reply was almost lost among the roar of pounding pistons and hissing steam.

‘Clear the forward area.’ ordered DeBlanc. ’We are about to punch back.’

I could hear the Jericho sirens of several planes hurtling down on us with their 50 mil cannons blazing. They were determined to set off the bombs trapped in Biffo’s steam o'sphere.

‘Everybody get down and hold your breath.’ ordered DeBlanc. ‘If my calculations are correct… this sequence is about to come to an end.’

Everyone gulped in a lungful of air and squatted down; eyes glued to the huge screen.

‘Spray the Actaeon mist.’ shouted DeBlanc.

Corporal Price pulled the Eye-Key-A’s gold trigger and the control room was instantly filled with the same luminous steam that I had first observed in the Great Hall.

Through this haze, the images from the great hall shimmered as if the big tachyscreen was failing now as well.

And then, abruptly, the six bombs vanished.

Biffo’s trembling sphere collapsed and huge globules of water splattered across the dance floor.

‘What happened?’ I gasped, turning swiftly to the forward portal where I was confronted with another amazing sight.

The Uchronie was now behind the huge squadron of enemy planes.

Out of the blue, the six bombs from the great hall materialized among them.

‘FIRE.’ roared Commander DeBlanc as a single flash from the S.O.L.E. gun exploded the six bombs simultaneously and the enemy planes disintegrated. Everyone of them was blown out of the sky with one shot.

‘That gave them a taste of their own medicine.’ said Doctor Mentor, as shrapnel like debris clattered off the forward blast shields.

‘We have avenged the deaths of our fellow crewmen.’ said Corporal Price, switching off his device.

‘That was not vengeance; that was punishment.’ said DeBlanc. ‘Credit is due to the forward crew for their outstanding performance.’

‘We’ll be up in a tick.’ shouted Wayne, through the voice tube.

‘What happened?’ I asked, still bewildered. ‘I can’t believe what I just saw.’

‘…a’ light speed, you’re like… light… n’that…’ said Biffo. ‘use ‘nom lies... blah blah blah.’

‘What’s he saying?’ I asked. ‘I can never understand a word Biffo says.’

‘It’s quite simple.’ said Doctor Mentor. ‘When you approach the speed of light, you become the light. Time slows down according to Einsteinian, steam age, relativity.’

‘And Biffo takes advantage of anomalies that cannot be explained by universally accepted paradigms.’ said Captain Wright.

‘Like I said earlier.’ joked Wayne, joining us from the furnace room, ‘Biffo’s invented a novelty egg timer.’

’A Hard One Colloider.’ said Dwayne, taking off his Burberry baseball cap and bowing.

‘Well…you can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs.’ said DeBlanc, joining in with their banter.

Everyone laughed and gathered round his console.

‘Well that is one St Arwar’s Ball we shall all remember for a very long time.’ he said,  standing up and raising one hand in the air. ‘Now… I am not one to do a victory dance, but I do feel that I understand what is in the hearts of everyone in this room today. Let us bow our heads and give a prayer of thanks that we have come through safely. All who attempt to attack and spoil us will be corrected. Amen.’

‘Amen.’ said everyone in unison.

‘We are still on our mission, heading for Germany.’ continued DeBlanc. ‘We could be attacked at any moment. We enjoy our freedoms… but the price of that freedom is constant vigilance and we must always watch our borders. Now… I have learned that some of the forward observers attended the St Arwar’s Ball and... I have no problem with that…. but what I do have a problem with is that Ginger’s return was not reported to me.’

The crew fell silent.

‘I know Ginger’s return was unscheduled.’ continued DeBlanc. ‘Perhaps that should have made someone realize that it was worth reporting. I certainly would not have opened the shields to the Great Hall if I had known Ginger had returned pursued by enemy planes intent on blitzkrieg.’

‘I saw him return.’ admitted Vicky, still wearing her fancy dress costume. ‘I was out on the balcony with Les Chemise Rouge at the start of Biffo’s robot display. ‘We saw his red plane coming from the west and his unbelievable acrobatics. We were in awe of his flying ability.’

‘Well, now you know that he was not performing for you, but trying to shake off his pursuers.’ said DeBlanc. ‘

’Yes… in hindsight, that is obvious.’ said Vicky. ‘I should have mentioned Ginger’s remarkable aerial performance to someone but I thought he was showing off, making a fly past. His three winged red plane was a blur of speed… his spinning propeller a silver haze in the moonlight.’

‘Yes, very poetic.’ said DeBlanc. But, if it had been reported to me, all this death, injury and damage may have been avoided.’

‘It won’t happen again.’ said Vicky. 'I hope Ginger is alright.'

'We'll know as soon as we get his results.' said Doctor Mentor. ‘You seem to have injured your shoulder Nate.’

‘I’ll be alright.’ I said. ‘It’s just a scratch.’

‘Well if you’re sure.’ said Doctor Mentor. ‘But... Captain Wright informs me that you breathed in some of the luminous steam in the great hall.’

‘He’s a causality.’ said Wayne, grinning broadly.

‘A casualty.’ I said, correcting him. ‘You mean… I’m a casualty, walking wounded.’

‘I know wot I said.’ muttered Wayne.

‘Someone needs to stay with Nate for the next twenty four hours.’ said Doctor Mentor. ‘Wayne…he seems to get on well with you; perhaps you would be so kind.’

‘Nah, I’ve got places to go and people to see.’ said Wayne, shuffling a deck of cards with one hand.

‘I’ll look after him.’ said Lolly, smiling sadly. ‘I need a diversion to take my mind off Ginger for a while.’

Next episode: ‘Déjà vu all over again.’ Released January 7 2013