But I couldn’t have managed without His help. One day I decided to visit my friend with the beautiful name, Svetlana. Svetlana always inspired me with her strength of mind, hard work, and constant desire to improve something in the interior of her apartment. She got married when she already had a daughter, Marina, and her new husband had two children from his previous marriage. His first wife was sick, and after her death, his children got a new mom, Marina for a little sister and another brother, Andrei, who was born soon after the wedding.
It was a mystery to me how Svetlana was managing to raise four children. Anton, her husband, was working a lot, and the children, household, a dog, and a cat were Svetlana’s duty. She even managed to earn some extra money by knitting. She had a real talent for that, so there was always a demand for her work. Only Heaven knew exactly how she survived.
They lived in a small two-bedroom apartment near the city center. I still can’t understand how all of them fit in it. I always dropped by to see her when something went wrong in my life. Seeing she was always busy as a bee but never lost her good mood and strength of spirit, I would come back home ashamed. I would think, This woman has a life much harder than mine, but never complains, unlike me, and other thoughts like that.
And now, years later, nothing had changed in Svetlana’s life. Her daughter, Marina, went to work in London, leaving two daughters to be raised by their grandma. Apparently, my friend did not now have enough of her own resources, so she joined a church community. After learning about my situation, she invited me to go to church with her, and I did not dare to offend her by my refusal.
“Polina, I want to introduce you to our pastor, Vladislav Petrovich. Tell him everything, and he is sure to help you.”
I smiled ironically at heart, but didn’t want to show my real attitude to the questions of religion and church.
Vladislav Petrovich was, to my surprise, an ordinary man with an ugly, but not repulsive appearance, dressed in an ordinary suit. Even in his eyes, which are supposed to be the windows of his soul, I saw nothing special. It was only when he started talking I realized he was a priest with a God-given talent. His voice, a deep, soft baritone, penetrated deep inside and settled comfortably in my brain.
“Hello, Polina” he said.
“Hello.”
“Tell me about your doubts, Polina, and I’ll try to help you make the right decision.”
I liked the fact that he did not offer to help me cope with my problems. I had already realized by this time that each person had to handle his or her problems independently. Apparently, my face reflected surprise because Vladislav Petrovich smiled gently and said, “Many people are waiting for God to solve all their problems. My task is to explain what’s really going on and help them make the right decisions. I don’t need to explain that to you. You already know that.”
I was even more surprised.
“Why do you think so?” I asked.
“I don’t think. I know.”
Oh, I am lucky to meet the people in the know, I thought, and said, “Svetlana brought me here, and I did not want to offend her, so I came. After so many years of atheistic communist education, many people tried to return to a life of faith. I also tried. I visited various parishes in search of the path to God. Unfortunately, after all my attempts I feel nothing but disappointment.”
“Do you believe that He really exists?”
“Previously I did, but now I am not sure. But I do not want to go to a church. I feel too uncomfortable there.”
Vladislav Petrovich approached to me and looked at my eyes. Carefuly. I do not know what he was going to see there, but he, suddenly, smiled and shook his head affirmatively. I wondered what would it mean?
“For an exemple”, he said, “If you need money, and you want to borrow it on your father, you don’t need to go to your neighbor and ask him to do that. You can go directly to your father and ask him, can’t you?”
“Well, in general, yes.”
“And some can’t. They can be shy, or just feel better in a company.”
And then it hit me.
“So you’re saying I do not have to go to church? That I can turn to Him directly with my gratitude or for the help and advice I need?”
“Yes.” Vladislav Petrovich smiled. “That’s what I’m trying to say. God knows how to read our hearts. Moreover, he created us each different. Yes, in His own likeness, but different. Someone needs to go to church, to be among people. You have a different case. That is not by accident. God has plans for everyone. You’re not an exception.”
I was struck by the fact that the priest was not agitating for me to go to his church, to bring a tithe and sing prayers.
“What are His plans for me?”
“I do not know, I’m not God. But I have to give you some important advice. You must find strength to forgive the person or people who did this to you.”
“How do you know?” I was surprised. “Did Svetlana tell you?”
“No. I do not know. Just my experience. You came here.”
“But I came with Svetlana, not by myself.”
“But you did come. Tell me, don’t worry,” his voice insisted and fascinated at the same time.
And I told him everything. I just could not resist the temptation to complain, to unload. But Vladislav Petrovich was a great listener. He didn’t interrupt. Sympathy and outrage reflected on his face, depending on the nature of the narrative.
And then he said, “You poor thing. How could you live all this time with so much hatred and???? love! You should go to your ex-husband, bring him a gift, something he loved when you were living together, and say out loud the words of forgiveness. Out loud, do you understand?”
“What’s the difference, aloud or not,” I was angry. “I can’t forgive him. I just can’t.”
“Did you try?” His voice became gentle and cushioned as an Angora scarf, making you warm on a winter evening.
“No.”
“So how do you know you can’t?”
I walked away with a determined desire to try. I wanted to do as Vladislav Petrovich advised me to, but just the same I determined my conviction that I couldn’t forgive.
And only a fragile hope flickered somewhere inside, somewhere in my head or in my heart: what if? What if I manage to get rid of this pain, anger, hatred and self-pity?